Debt and my husband have fucked our future

[Smidgen15]

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

Just seen your ds is 3, he won't really need much for trips will he.

Not sure if you already said but is your son his?

Oh assume he is if he is 3.

examine every single penny you spend, if it's not essential, you don't spend it. You don't have the weekly takeaways, or go to the pub, you shop for food more wisely, draw up a meal list for the week and only buy the necessary ingredients, no treat

Exactly this! Shut down your husband's eBay account, Littlewoods catalogue account, Very account – it sounds like you're both very used to buying things on the never never and having a "want it, buy it" attitude.

£50 a month on eBay tat is a lot – any amount is a lot – when you're £14k in debt, now actually £21k. You have to get into the mindset that you don't actually have any money: you might think "Oh, this Deliveroo is only £25." But you don't have £25. You have -£21,000. It does seem like you've stuck your head in the sand about finances, while calling it "not prying" into each other's affairs. It's not prying if you're in a relationship.

Sell the camera, the drone, the mountains of eBay clutter, old children's toys. Sell all your CDs and DVDs on Music Magpie. You won't make a mint but you'll (a) make something and it all counts to chip away the debt and (b) learn to live without all this stuff.

Life - Im listening... ivf is a no no. I understand this...

Listen, i dont like where this is going... this happens all the time on mumsnet, i should learn my lesson...
Yes, of course i had a part to play in this... id say its naivety. My husband is 55. no typos.
I cant react to something i know nothing about.... i knew about the loan and the CC and i helped by consolidating.

The 14K was a joint decision we both made in 2016. Well it was 7K then we consolidated in april.
Then when the OT stopped last month, i asked him if we were ok, he said he wasnt sure and needed a few basic weeks to see exactly what he was pulling in. We only got 1 basic wage as he got 2 hours OT here, or 4 there, never equalling to more than 6 hours. He was also told the OT would be back in March
So on monday, he was told OT would not return to how it was so i asked him agai are we going to cope, it was then he told me his outgoings were more than his incomings and it was later that night where i found the 1st CC statement... i had it out with him and asked him if there was anymore to come out the woodwork. He said NO! On friday, i go through his bank statement and there i find a further 3CC....
I fail to see where we are 50/50 in all this...

If your son is 3 he doesn’t really need a new bed. And if he does it doesn’t need to be expensive at all.

That’s why I asked the question, because I think your attitude towards money is similar to his. And unless you both address this then you’ll never get out of it.

You’ve got a combined income of 3700
1600 of which goes into a joint account. 800 of which is rent. Ct and bills about another 200. Food 300, fuel 100 leftover 200 spending money. These are obviously very rough calculations

That leaves 2100 to pay off debt per month. If you combined all your debts into one then you could easily get it sorted in in a year and a half. Even if you didn’t consolidate them, you could still get them paid off quicker than most people.

Treatment is a now or never...
IVF will not be happening now. It may seem im being over dramatic, but im an overthinker, it all feels dramatic in my head. Its not helping that i feel im being blamed for this, like i said, i have a part to play but my husband has been lying to me for years.
I want my son to have the best, he deserves it and by having another child, he wont have these things, so im fully on board with not having any more children but it sure hurts like hell 😓😓😓

I fail to see where we are 50/50 in all this...
Because you knew you were £14k in debt and watched the £50 eBay tat roll into the house each month, the drone arrive, the takeaways, and at no point did you make a plan to pay the debt down. Your husband shouldn't have hidden the extra credit card, but come on. You knew you had a five-figure debt and you knew you weren't living in a way in which you could pay it off.

I know you're getting some tough love here but I think it's because you need a wake-up call. (In fairness, so does your DH if he's not planning to sell the drone and give up his spending!)

I’m afraid I think ou being very dramatic about this. I don’t see how a change in debt from £14k to £21k can influence your decision to have a child. £7k in the grand scheme of things over a lifetime shouldn’t affect your decision to have a child or ‘deprive’ your child of a sibling for the rest of the life. (You say you are running out of time) It’s estimated to cost over £100k to bring up a child over 18 years so £7k really shouldn’t be a game changer.
You have said 3 cards havn’t been touched and he is very sorry about keeping this from you. I think you need to sit and talk and find a way through,.

I don’t think mumsnet is saying it is 50:50, I think they are saying that an extra £7k in the overall scheme of things does not warrant the fanatic reaction. I suspect you are in shock which is what is driving it but actually the sitauation has been the same for the past few years. If you could afford IVF or mat leave on £14k (with night shifts etc going) then I can’t quite see how you can’t afford it on £21k, the difference between the minimum payments is fairly small. It sounds to me like you’d be struggling either way. I get how horrid debt fees though - we are in horrific amounts and will likely have to go on a DMP. Makes me feel sick.

Travis - you are right, we do have the same outlook on money, and this happening will certainly change that, it already has.

We also have £200 a month on childcare. They are rough calculations and probably not accurate but there is deffo something there to work on.

DS is 4 in may... he keeps hanging off the bed when sleeping so i think he needs a bigger one.

Im gonna try and have a nap, im completely exhausted.

Dramatic not fanatic 🙄

How old are you? Your partner could potentially be retiring in 12 years or so which might make bringing up another teenager a huge burden financially on you unless he’s going to be getting an amazing pension?

Just read your last post. I think your son would gain a lot more from a sibling then ‘having the best’. I think you are hugely overreacting over £7k, how can that amount of money possibly influence your decision about bringing a child into the world. You mentioned school trips earlier, schools always pay for children whose parents can’t afford to pay, they would never leave a child out.

Ps my sibling is 5 years older than me and we despised each other growing up. Having a sibling isn’t always a guarantee of an amazing bond and friendship

Ok so if you could work out somehow to put aside 1600 p/month on a consolidated loan then I think you’ll be ok.
I get that you’re hurt. But there is a way out of this, and I wouldn’t not have another child because of this if that’s what you really want.

But you will have to work out that if you have another child they won’t have as much material things, but that’s not all that important in the grand scheme of life.

Op says it’s an extra £7k plus the Ivf which was going on a credit card taking the total to £24k debt.

But why should schools, who are stony broke, pay for trips for financially incontinent families who spend £21k on takeaways and ebay crap? 🤔

I think a big part of the problem is that you don’t know what your outgoings are.

I cannot stress enough how much you need to track every penny. You will find it eye opening.

I was also taken aback by the age of your husband, if 55 is correct. Current problems aside, your husband will be in his 70s when your child or children need help for university. Are you able to save for this? Do you both have good life insurance? It's all very well giving your son treats, and a sibling who will (hopefully!) be a welcomed playmate, but he has other needs. I also think your debt should be pretty manageable with a strict budget, there are plenty of people who earn far far less than you and do manage. There is plenty of good advice here re getting help, this could be a turning point for you all. Are there buses for work, or could you cycle? Don't rely on your Mum for childcare! Best of luck.

I don't really understand why all of a sudden you're saying no to IVF, when you thought you were in 14k debt you were buying expensive cameras, drones, eating out, takeaways etc. And was happy to add to the debt with by doing IVF without any extra effort to reduce the debt.

I think if you really want another baby you should give it a go but have a few years of living really frugally.

Your son is young, he doesn't know what's expensive or cheap. Get rid of all the accounts with credit facilities and only buy what you can actually afford.

I agree Hollow.

So on monday, he was told OT would not return to how it was so i asked him agai are we going to cope

Again, not sure why you asked him like this? Surely it’s obvious that with a massive reduction in income, changes are needed?

The question is how are you going to cope and the answer is to plan together.

You’re blaming him but not taking enough responsibility for what you should do.

It would be a very different response if you had a firm grip and the CCs came out of the blue. But it doesn’t look that way from here. You benefited from the unknown ccs, enjoyed the lifestyle but didn’t think. I bet your dh was too scared to fess up.

You’ve both been a bit silly.

Ok....

Its my fault my husband has been lying to me

Its my fault he told me he had paid off his CC when he hadnt

Its my fault when i asked him if we could afford another cycle of treatment, he told me yes, we will manage.

Its dramatic because thats what im feeling... i cant excuse that. Im forcing myself not to sleep and forcing myself not to eat because i feel like being dramatic...

IVF was a squeeze on 14K.... car repayments were finishing in 6 months things were doable... this, has simply tipped us over. There has to be a tipping point.... this was it!

I would simply work out your combined total debt between you. Try and get a consolidated loan for a very short period of time, say 3 years. And live frugally till it’s paid off.