I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

[LilacDaisyChain]

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

Gone off sex with you and buying male sex toys...I'd be wondering if he was gay/bi.

Maybe he is having ED problems with his cock and this is why he’s ‘too tired’ for sex, and he’s hoping that the sex toy will help him stay up with you? This is very plausible and ED is a major issue with men, it happens to most of them, aging and all that, just like us with menopause, but men take these things to heart more than us, we women can chat to each other about these type of things, but it’s different with men talking to other men about it, we all know how some men are about this sort of thing.

I don't get the big deal about it being Valentine's day. Its, first and foremost, just Thursday. My husband going for lunch with a colleague on a Thursday isn't something I'd stress about.

It's been booked at least ahead for Valentine's day. I often go for lunch with colleagues on a Thursday. What I don't do is book a table for two on Valentine's day.

You know another thing that puts men off sex? When they're fucking someone else.

Sounds fairly plausible. I’d want to know where the cock ring got to though.

Whatever his explanation you still had doubts, now this is in your head and you will just become more suspicious of anything he now does out of character. Once you start digging it’s hard to stop.

Sex toy is weird but lunch explanation makes sense - I know people on here are always bloodthirsty for an affair but if you had no reason to doubt him before, it seems completely plausible. If my DP booked a lunch with a colleague/friend I wouldn't expect him to tell me... it's just a Thursday

Is he gay or bi and meeting this man and having a St. Vals meal out? It might explain the sex toy?

Calling bullshit.

Ime the more convoluted the explaination, the more likely it is to be a lie.

I think it's a bit of a myth that people go off sex with their partner when they're getting it elsewhere - affairs usually increase your sex drive!

Oh god, I hope that's true. I have an awful feeling he was either cancelled on or picked up on you being a little different and cancelled himself.

The over explaining is a worry. That would make me more suspicious, not less. I'd be tempted to still turn up at the restaurant tbh.

I think he's lying sorry. The restaurant probably emailed again to confirm after you phoned

Does he not have Facebook or anything.
And most signs would be taking his phone everywhere hiding it so you can't see what he's doing and taking a while to answer when you ask him who text/called him.

PresidentHump Yeah that’s often true! Also I’ve noticed no correlation from hundreds of posts about frequency of sex at home and having affairs. It’s almost like a cheating bastard is always a cheating bastard no matter what the other circumstances.

It sounds a bit strange.

Hmm, the explanation is plausible, although strangely coincidental. But I'd want to know where that sex toy is. I wouldn't ask him about it either, I'd keep digging.

I mean this kindly, OP, but why were you looking at your H's email in the first place? Is it because you already had doubts about him?

I would be getting my ducks in a row just in case. Start drawing back £50 in cash every time you do supermarket shopping and stash it. Move some joint money across into an account in your name only. Does he know that you know he has sex toy he has not used with you? If he is ordering sex toys he is still interested in sex so he is lying to you. Think about what you want to do if he is cheating before you go to catch him out.

northernlights

From the OP:

I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I think it's a bit of a myth that people go off sex with their partner when they're getting it elsewhere

Unless he is having an affair with a man. That would explain him going off sex with a woman.

I would be wondering about the toy, but I can't imagine many restaurants would bother to call back after someone just called to confirm a party size? I've worked in a couple of restaurants and we barely had time to answer the phone in the first place, let alone call back to double check a check!! If it was anything untoward it sounds like he came to his senses!

🤦🏻‍♀️

Exactly what sort of toy was it??

Fairenuff - yes, I saw that but I wondered if the OP subconciously was looking for an excuse to look at his email because she felt something was off.

I agree, too, that he is lying about losing interest in sex yet he bought a sex toy.

I have a sex toy that's long neglected since my sex drive disappeared due to the menopause! Buying one would be the very last thing on my mind.

I've also previously been in a sexless relationship, OP, where my ex reassured me he found me attractive and still loved me. I'm sorry to say that it turned out he was having sex with prostitutes.

I hope things turn out okay for you - you sound lovely.