Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for my bf to say this....

237 replies

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 18:48

'I'm a big man. No one can tell me what to do. I behave in a way that I find acceptable. I can do what I like.'

This was in response to me saying that perhaps we wouldn't argue if he behaved in an acceptable way. (He always accuses me of arguing if ever ask a question or don't follow his Instructions).

This exchange came about because this morning he asked me to call his daughter and ask to borrow some money. The money is for him, not me. I didn't want to but I can't lend it him so reluctantly agreed. I said i would message rather than call as its less pressurusing for her. He was ok with that. Until she didn't read the message straight away so he hung up on me. He came back in a strop, snapped at me when I asked if was going to the gym. Then he left without a word. He came back a couple of hours later, barely spoke to me other that to tell me he was going to his mums because I couldn't lend him my old phone as its not charging properly. Of course he was annoyed about that roo.

After he made his 'I can do what I like' speech he stormed out the house. Having told me earlier that he won't be back until tomorrow evening, missing a family party he said he would come to.

Is this just me being over sensitive and over thinking? Or am I right to be upset at how he behaved? I've lost all perspective 😞

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/02/2019 16:45

You won't get any money back from him.
But you can survive without him.
Talk to your gp or someone
Don't tell him you are leaving or ask him to leave you need police to remove him. He won't go quietly! Get a safe exit strategy.
Go to police speak to domestic violence support.

HumansCannotEverChangeSex · 11/02/2019 19:07

Forget the money. It’s not important, I know you need to live and eat etc but there will be help out there given your circumstances. I think the safest option would be to call the police and get him to remove him, even ask for him to not be allowed near you and if he does show up, call them again. Explain to them the situation and maybe they can help? He is a nasty violent man-child. He is pathetic and he needs to be away from you and your kids, for your safety. I hope you manage to get him to leave, I wouldn’t do it alone like others have said, maybe someone with you or the police.

Thehop · 11/02/2019 20:02

Can you go to citizens advice to look into a debt repayment plan? It acts like an IVa but less serious?

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 11/02/2019 21:55

Apparently there is an advice line for financial abuse, but I've not had any luck getting through yet...will try to get a citizens advice appointment if no luck this week.
I've also managed to make contact with the domestic abuse outreach worker, so hope to meet with her next week

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 22:11

Op, it doesn't matter if you've never asked her before. You've asked her now. And how will you get him to pay her back, when you can't get him to pay you back?

databreachname · 11/02/2019 22:32

When I read your op I assumed this was a teenage man you were describing, based on the language, not a grown man with a daughter! I'm staggered that a 40 yo can behave this way. What a total an utter loser and waste of space. I'm afraid you have enabled this man's behaviour and it sounds like you are still somewhat making excuses for him OP, and stalling from getting rid of him. I don't mean that unkindly, and it's completely understandable behaviour. But you need to bloody phone woman's aid and wait until you get through. Phone StepChange- your debts can be easily managed unless its mortgage related and they help. This is NOT the priority. The priority is reporting him and getting him out so he doesn't do any more damage to your DC. Once he's gone, please seek counselling to help you become stronger.

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 11/02/2019 23:26

I have now managed to speak to women's aid. Some evenings I have called 30 times and not got through. The last time I called I was able to leave a message so have now managed to speak to someone.

I can make sure he pays her back as it is only £20. And the only reason I asked her in the first place (other than trying to avoid being shouted at) is because I have leant her many times more than that. (And not actually got any of it back because her charming dad told her not to because he would give it to me...) if she had bills of her own to worry about it would be different, but she has no living expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 11/02/2019 23:28

That said I won't ever be asking again because it's not her responsibility.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/02/2019 08:06

Pinkypie22 well done for gwtting through to get help. Noe get safe.

You are the person that matters here, you and your child. You need to be safe and fee of this man and you need others to know of the abuse.

You are very brave and you are going to get there. Some people cannot understand how people can get trapped in abusive relationships but I guess it is easy because fear is a powerful tool. If you are afraid of him you stay because of that fear.

Get free. Flowers

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 12/02/2019 18:38

Italiangreyhound thank you. I think today was the first time I admitted to myself that I'm fearful of what happens if I make him leave.

OP posts:
Aa51761713 · 13/02/2019 07:12

RUN!!!

this guy is a dick.

Italiangreyhound · 13/02/2019 07:35

Pinkypie22 get everything documented so you can protect your daughter.

We do understand how these men work, it's pathetic but they are a real danger. Protect yourself. Take advice.

Xxxxxx

medusawashere · 13/02/2019 07:35

You deserve so much better OP. Do this for your children. Social services will view it very negatively if they get wind of the drug use and his behaviour and you haven't left the relationship.

It's easy to get caught up in "but I love him, poor thing" type stuff but that's going to have to be channelled into your kids.

You sound like a lovely person, intelligent, kind and very giving. You also sound like a lovely mum. Someone with all of the qualities that you have should be free to live her life of abuse. You deserve it!

Yes, you will struggle financially at the beginning but there will be help. In the end, the rewards you reap will be far greater than what you will lose.

I left a physically abusive relationship nine years ago and had a bag of stuff and that was it. Granted, no kids were involved but I do understand the feeling like you are about to set off a massive bomb in your life.

Get the police involved. Stay safe at all times and just keep your kids in your mind at all times. They will be absorbing all of this. More than you realise.

I absorbed a lot growing up, my dad had a lot of mental health issues (which he sought help for and eventually managed to overcome) but my childhood did affect what I saw as normal in a relationship. Don't do that to your babies.

medusawashere · 13/02/2019 07:36

I typed that with paragraphs, they don't appear to have worked. Apologies!

bullyingadvice2017 · 13/02/2019 08:02

Sounds like a real big man op. Having to borrow money of his daughter??? That is grim.

Ruru8thestars · 13/02/2019 17:50

If it’s your house can you ask the police to support you when you ask him to leave - your local pcso? Def change the locks and get rid. Make sure you have another person there for support

Italiangreyhound · 14/02/2019 01:55

OP, listen to this if you get time. It is amazing.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0002gq4

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 14/02/2019 14:39

medusawashere thank you for your kind words. It dies feel a bit like preparing to jump off a cliff...one of the things that bothers me the most about ending it is his daughter. We get on really well. She talks to me and comes to me for help when she needs it. What do I tell her? She is technically an adult but he is still her dad...

Italiangreyhound thank you, I will have a listen

OP posts:
CantStopMeNow · 14/02/2019 17:18

She's an adult - you tell her the truth.
She probably knows what he's like anyway

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 14/02/2019 18:07

I would like to talk her the truth, I've come close before as I've felt she deserves an explanation but I'm sure there would be repercussions for me if I did.

OP posts:
Ruru8thestars · 14/02/2019 18:25

If you are that scared of revealing your home situation it’s a sign you need to leave

BlueJag · 14/02/2019 18:33

You are in an abusive relationship. I can't tell you what to do but your future with that man will be very difficult.
It's a shame you didn't realised this before having a baby.
He is mean, abusive and broke. Expecting money from his dd? Wow that low. Confused

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 14/02/2019 20:58

BlueJag yes it is a shame but nothing I can do about that now sadly.

Ruru8thestars yes I guess it is. He is ashamed of his behaviour and is desperate for his daughter not to know.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/02/2019 08:13

Your number one priority is keeping you and baby safe. If/when his daughter finds out this coukd be leverage for him to change his behaviour (I'd never trust him again) but at least an incentive for him not to harm you (as if a man needs an incentive! How shit is that!). But prioritize your and babies safety. His daughter is an adult.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 15/02/2019 08:18

I'm a big man. No one can tell me what to do. I behave in a way that I find acceptable. I can do what I like.

Well, he's telling you right there who he is and what he thinks is acceptable.

OP, it sounds as if he hates you.

He's a cunt. Leave him.