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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for my bf to say this....

237 replies

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 18:48

'I'm a big man. No one can tell me what to do. I behave in a way that I find acceptable. I can do what I like.'

This was in response to me saying that perhaps we wouldn't argue if he behaved in an acceptable way. (He always accuses me of arguing if ever ask a question or don't follow his Instructions).

This exchange came about because this morning he asked me to call his daughter and ask to borrow some money. The money is for him, not me. I didn't want to but I can't lend it him so reluctantly agreed. I said i would message rather than call as its less pressurusing for her. He was ok with that. Until she didn't read the message straight away so he hung up on me. He came back in a strop, snapped at me when I asked if was going to the gym. Then he left without a word. He came back a couple of hours later, barely spoke to me other that to tell me he was going to his mums because I couldn't lend him my old phone as its not charging properly. Of course he was annoyed about that roo.

After he made his 'I can do what I like' speech he stormed out the house. Having told me earlier that he won't be back until tomorrow evening, missing a family party he said he would come to.

Is this just me being over sensitive and over thinking? Or am I right to be upset at how he behaved? I've lost all perspective 😞

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 00:28

What is the debt for ?

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 10/02/2019 00:31

He has drained my account a couple of times so now I can't get out of my overdraft. And even the overdraft doesn't cover my expenses. He has also made me take out loans for him

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 10/02/2019 00:34

Where is he getting money if he is borrowing if form you and everyone else?

OlennasWimple · 10/02/2019 00:35

You aren't going to get the money

Even if you dont' throw him out, he isn't going to repay you

He's borrowing from his daughter, he is making you take out loans. He doesn't have the money and he isn't going to give it to you

sorry to be blunt, but there it is

Can you talk to whoever runs the foodbank that you are going to about how to get help managing your debts? So that you can try to get your finances into a better place

poppingoff · 10/02/2019 00:36

So he has a job, and I'm assuming his other dc is an adult so not paying CM for her. Where is all his money going, if he's supposedly off the drugs??

AnyFucker · 10/02/2019 00:38

He must be using a truckload of charlie

Solstice888 · 10/02/2019 00:38

How is he draining your account unless he has your details? If he has, change your pin. Also, if he ever used your account card to take money without your permission, this is theft, call the police - you might get your money back if you can prove he took it without your permission. Though I'm guessing that if you took out loans for him then this isn't the case (and his lawyer would argue thus). But still, change your pin and don't ever give him a penny more money.

Might be wise to talk to citizens advice, they might recommend a debt consolidations company/plan.

Everyone has said it, you are not going to get money from him. At least not enough to ever get yourself out of this mess as he will give with one hand and take with the other.

Cut him loose and cut your losses.

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 10/02/2019 00:39

The money ran out last month, then he lost his job. Got another one now though so he will be earning again by the end of the month

OP posts:
poppingoff · 10/02/2019 00:41

Was losing the job drug related?

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 10/02/2019 00:43

He was making all the loan repayments up until a couple of months ago. Then the drugs got out of hand and he knew he was about to loose us both and then he lost his job the same day and hit rock bottom. As he was paying what he owed until recently I do believe that he would continue to do so

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 10/02/2019 00:44

poppingoff yes it was

OP posts:
category12 · 10/02/2019 00:57

He got you into the financial mess, and it's not in his interests that you get out of it. It's part of keeping you under. Part of the trap.

Debts can be managed. He can't.

poppingoff · 10/02/2019 01:02

And what age are your older DC? They must surely have seen and heard all this going on? Where is their dad?

Coyoacan · 10/02/2019 05:10

He was in my arms when he grabbed me and pulled me over on to the bed. He was in his arms when he pushed me over. He was frightened the other day when he was yelling at me and I somehow fell onto the bed next to him

That happened to my dgd when she was two months old. Fortunately they were in my house and my dd split up with the father there and then.

My poor wee dgd was angry for two weeks afterwards, she had absorbed her father's rage. Then she became the sweetest happiest little baby and child.

Please get your child away from this situation, it is already really harming him.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 10/02/2019 05:35

OP, you do realise that your other DC are witnessing this abuse don’t you?

They may not have seen him actually grab you, but witness the horrendous atmosphere he creates.

I appreciate that the money is important, but you are subjecting all your DC because of this debt.

Like Pp have said, debt can be managed but him killing you will leave three children without a mother.

Also, what if your other DC start to disclose what they are seeing etc to staff at school..? The school as a safeguarding issue would contact children’s services...

Please contact the police/women’s aide, make an appointment with your GP/health visitor to log what he has done.

As it’s your home, you can change the locks and get him escorted off your property.

I would when telling the police, inform them that he has taken loans out in your name through fear and intimidation and l would change PIN numbers etc so that he no longer has access to your account.

Please do this for your children.

Shoxfordian · 10/02/2019 06:01

You need to leave him as soon as you can op
Can you call Women's Aid for advice?

Gina2012 · 10/02/2019 06:25

if something happens to your baby and the authorities find out you have willingly kept your baby living with an abusive drug addict then you run the very real risk that your child will be taken off both of you. You have a legal duty of care to your son to keep him safe. He is not safe around his father. You need to take this seriously. Leave the house / kick him out, whichever works best for you and make sure you get SS involved in helping you keeping your baby away from his father. Call women’s aid

This^

You must conquer your fear of this man

You must stop feeling sorry for him

You must put your baby first and get this man out of your life

Is the place you live, in his name or yours?

Is it easier for you to leave? Where can you go?

SuperSange · 10/02/2019 06:39

So you're putting your children (all of them) at huge risk waiting for him to pay you back? He's not going to pay you back, love. You need to speak to women's aid and leave. Or you run the risk of losing your children.

flameycakes · 10/02/2019 06:54

My ex used to threaten to top himself all the time, knowing full well I'd found my dad dead from suicide as a teenager, I'd go into a mad panic in the early days, in the end I'd tell him to get on with it x

flameycakes · 10/02/2019 07:01

Ps found out after I'd managed to get rid that my ex had been taking speed and coke all the way through our relationship, call me naive but I didn't have a clue, I lived with a paranoid man who wouldn't allow me to go the shop without questioning who I'd spoke to etc etc, I carried the relationship on sporadically after the first 5 years when he moved out for another 7, even had another child in year 12, that's when I stuck to my resolve and finished it, I feel so guilty putting my eldest sons through all that, ill never let another man over my doorstep into our lives x

TooTragicToBeFunny · 10/02/2019 07:29

Pinky I wold highly recommend you going bankrupt. If you have no real prospect of repaying what you owe now, it’s only going to get worse.

Going bankrupt really not that big a deal if you don’t own a house. Your credit score will be screwed for a while, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

It would be a huge weight lifted of your shoulders, wouldn’t it? All your debts would be wiped clear. You can open your own account he doesn’t have access to. Are you on benefits now? Without him there, will you get more?

Can you kick him out or do you have to move?

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 10/02/2019 07:35

I know I need to act now. It's just a case of how and when. I've been trying to get help for months but women's aid rarely answer the phone. Took me 5 months to get through to them at Christmas. Same problem with the local domestic abuse outreach worker. And the financial abuse helpline that women's aid suggested I call. So all these months later I'm no further on and was still wondering if maybe I was over reacting. But reading everyone's responses has convinced me that I'm not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 10/02/2019 07:40

I own my house so can't go down the bankrupt route.
I would be better off without him as he would have to pay child support. Currently he doesn't contribute towards anything other than the loan repayments. And he has now fallen behind on those.

OP posts:
TooTragicToBeFunny · 10/02/2019 07:42

Have you tried social services?

Helsvamp · 10/02/2019 07:43

He sounds like a child

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