Domestic support outreach workers can’t really help further if you’re in some stage of enabling him and believing things can get better if you just wait it out. I got through to Women’s Aid when I was calling about my ex emotional control still recently in about 3 tries of calling. Stop making excuses sweetheart I know it’s scary and I know you want to believe things can change but they can only change if you leave.
I know you’re afraid about money and afraid you won’t be able to cope financially without him but you will. You can get a lodger maybe, a female lodger? You can start doing some work from home stuff. As someone else has said : Debt can be managed. Domestic abuse cannot be managed by you.
You need to make police report that he has forced you to take out these loans and you are afraid of his explosive reactions so you did it. Maybe then you can have valid reason to have the repayments frozen for a while. At the moment I’m on a thing where I told them I have no £ and am single parent and the loan company agreed I can just pay £1 per month and froze interest.
Otherwise you’re in danger of being just one of those women who blindly believe in their addict man based on very little flimsy hope from him/ one promise that “I’ll stop when...”(being “clean” 3 weeks is nothing ! If that’s true...) And then you are part of the problem.
Hearing about the financial abuse too I agree with TooTragic in that you borrow some money from a family member or friend so you can pay someone to change the locks then inform police. Or get someone to stay with you when he comes home after you tell him you want to separate and ask if he stay somewhere else. It’s YOUR house, the police will tell him to go away if he tries to force entry to your house after you’ve told them how he treats you. Wait for him to lose his shit and call police saying he’s outside.
Look up “coercive control” - it’s a crime - what he’s done it commit a crime in frightening and coercing you into getting into debt for him to feed his addiction because he can’t manage his own life/ lost his job etc. If it wasn’t for you bailing him out he would actually get real consequences and hit real rock bottom.
You are not responsible for him. You are not responsible for his feelings or his messes he’s made.
If there is no police report, in the eyes of the court & police - it.never.happened. Then you don’t have a leg to stand on if he takes you to court for custody. He can pay £200 and represent himself and drag you through court for months or years just to spite you. However, if you have called police and have an incident number etc ... then CAFCASS who are the social workers who will get involved to help decide what’s best for the child will take your concerns seriously. Otherwise it’s just his word against yours and I echo what a previous poster said - the longer you put up with it, the less people will believe you.
They think your blind loyalty to the man is greater than your rational instinct to protect your children & they’ll consider taking children away. You need to show you have taken REAL steps to protect your children from this drug addict abusive man. Otherwise he can switch all “nice” - claim you are the one with issues - and try and get custody and you will look like just one of those unstable women who lie about domestic abuse to get revenge on an ex. The system is skewed towards giving abusive men contact at all costs - do not believe anyone that tells you it’s fair and “child centred” - if he takes you to court and asks for shared care (what my ex did) then they will give him what he asks for or push you to agree to it because if CAFCASS finds no serious reason not to allow contact ... they will say “we don’t see why he can’t have shared care if he wants it as there’s no clear reason / evidence against it”.
If you have police report this is clear evidence that he is abusive however. Also with domestic abuse as an element you would qualify maybe for legal aid so you could order drugs tests which he’d be order to pay half the costs of. At this point I bet he’d drop the court case and stop asking for custody.
I repeat again - if you don’t report it to police, in the eyes of professionals :/ the court, it did not happen.
He’s not going to consistently make loan repayments and stick to it or stick to sobriety when he’s being enabled by you to continue throwing his weight around and continue his addict behaviours - getting you to take loan out for him, asking his daughter for money for him - you’re his enabler at this point and it’s not your fault because he’s coerced you into it but once you have awareness - which you do now because of this thread & the fact you’ve spoken to women’s aid yourself - you know what’s happening now - and you know he’s financially controlling you and coercing you as well - if you continue making excuses for him or believing that things will get better or that once he gets back on track he’ll be back making payments again, then you are consciously continuing to enable him.
Nothing is more important to an addict than getting their fix. He will never truly hit rock bottom whilst he is still enabled by living in your house and getting you to get £ for him, feeding off the power he gets by controlling you.
Don’t feel sorry for him. Just do what you have to do to get you and your children out of this situation before it gets worse or you lose all credibility.
You can do this ! Don’t be scared just jump through the fire and on the other side things will be better, it will work out financially somehow. But you need support and you need police involvement.