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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ok for my bf to say this....

237 replies

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 18:48

'I'm a big man. No one can tell me what to do. I behave in a way that I find acceptable. I can do what I like.'

This was in response to me saying that perhaps we wouldn't argue if he behaved in an acceptable way. (He always accuses me of arguing if ever ask a question or don't follow his Instructions).

This exchange came about because this morning he asked me to call his daughter and ask to borrow some money. The money is for him, not me. I didn't want to but I can't lend it him so reluctantly agreed. I said i would message rather than call as its less pressurusing for her. He was ok with that. Until she didn't read the message straight away so he hung up on me. He came back in a strop, snapped at me when I asked if was going to the gym. Then he left without a word. He came back a couple of hours later, barely spoke to me other that to tell me he was going to his mums because I couldn't lend him my old phone as its not charging properly. Of course he was annoyed about that roo.

After he made his 'I can do what I like' speech he stormed out the house. Having told me earlier that he won't be back until tomorrow evening, missing a family party he said he would come to.

Is this just me being over sensitive and over thinking? Or am I right to be upset at how he behaved? I've lost all perspective 😞

OP posts:
Weenurse · 09/02/2019 22:41

Please realise this is only going to get worse.

Set a plan in your mind to pack his things and change the locks.

LadyMinerva · 09/02/2019 22:43

Don't feel stupid OP, it's not your fault. He isn't going to change and it's only a matter of time before he physically hurts you or the baby. This is not an environment to raise a child. This is setting an example that it's acceptable to treat not only a woman, but another human being like this. And it's not acceptable. You need to find the strength within to cut this man from your life or the cycle will just repeat. You do have this strength, I promise you.

Solstice888 · 09/02/2019 22:44

I run a wee group to help ppl that have had those with npd as parents/partners ect...and from what you've said I would say that it is very possible (if not probable). Not to say it isn't just the drugs but...the grandiosity and you mentioning the coldness...coldness is a big factor of disorders categorised by a lack of empathy such as NPD. That whole calling you stupid thing too. General devaluing. Just fits if you ask me. Anyway, you're actually doing the kid a favor getting out of this situation asap either way. Wish you all the best xx

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/02/2019 22:45

Jesus he's in his 40s and still doing drugs....proper waster.

Also the money he wants to borrow from his daughter, what do you think that's for? Come on now....

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/02/2019 22:48

Just to add the only thing that would make you stupid is staying with this neanderthal!

poppingoff · 09/02/2019 22:49

Does he have a job?

Dvg · 09/02/2019 22:51

Soooo hes a druggie who borrows money from his daughter and has a baby? He needs to grow up and you need to get out, drugs are no excuse and i'm sure he will be back to using in no time.

The reason you are finding it hard to leave is because you are holding on to hope that he becomes the partner you always wanted.

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 22:51

Dragongirl10 I worry about exactly this. From even before he was born he has heard his daddy yelling abuse at me and heard me crying. He was in my arms when he grabbed me and pulled me over on to the bed. He was in his arms when he pushed me over. He was frightened the other day when he was yelling at me and I somehow fell onto the bed next to him. Broke my heart 😪 i let him leave that time (He often threatens to leave me) until he said he was suicidal. I couldn't let him leave in that state. Think that's the drugs again as on another come down. That was the last time he used.

OP posts:
whereisthepostman · 09/02/2019 22:52

'Solstice888 that's interesting as I've been starting to wonder if he might have some kind of undiagnosed disorder. He can be completely devoid of emotion (other than amger) cold as ice'

He's just a fucking abusjve arsehole, will you please get out of that house before he starts to beat and harm your child.

whereisthepostman · 09/02/2019 22:53

He won't kill himself, they always say that, it's just another way to control you.

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 22:55

Closetbeanmuncher I thought that too but he hasn't been doing that tonight. I'm pretty positive about that.

OP posts:
poppingoff · 09/02/2019 22:55

He'll kill you before he kills himself.

Solstice888 · 09/02/2019 22:56

Yeah the guy is a danger to u and your kid. Time to go and never look back.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 09/02/2019 22:57

Stop making excuses for him. He is already harming your child, put a stop to it now.

He's been clean for 3 weeks and is still speaking to you like shit. It is not the drugs that are making him an abusive arsehole, that's what he is. Recognise it and free yourself and your child.

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 22:57

OP if something happens to your baby and the authorities find out you have willingly kept your baby living with an abusive drug addict then you run the very real risk that your child will be taken off both of you. You have a legal duty of care to your son to keep him safe. He is not safe around his father. You need to take this seriously. Leave the house / kick him out, whichever works best for you and make sure you get SS involved in helping you keeping your baby away from his father. Call women’s aid maybe.

Dragongirl10 · 09/02/2019 22:58

Op if l were you l would call the police to say you need him to leave as he is a drug addict and you are terrified of him, perhaps they could be there when you tell him to go and change the locks.
Then it will be on record and you can perhaps restrict access or get supervised access in the future, l am not sure how this works but speak to the police and see what help you can get.

You can sort the rest out bit by bit, but you are not safe and that is the first thing to address, if the police cannot be there do you have some male family or friends who can be there instead?

I know you are understandable scared, and l feel for you, but you have to sort this out whilst protecting yourself and your baby.

Just focus on getting him out and getting the locks changed so you are safe.

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 22:58

poppingoff yes he does

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 09/02/2019 22:59

I second what TOOTRAGIC said...

Original poster
Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 23:00

TooTragicToBeFunny this terrifies me more than anything

OP posts:
TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 23:03

I know it does

I’m sorry I know it’s not easy, I really do.

But that’s a reality I’m afraid. You have to do something. You can do it!! Call on whoever you can you help you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 23:07

You really need out of this situation as a matter of urgency. If something happens to your child you will never forgive yourself and as TooTragjc says social services will be concerned you are not capable of making good judgements and looking after your child.

C0untDucku1a · 09/02/2019 23:07

Phone the poloce to have him removed. He has physically hurt you and threated serious harm.

Do not make excuses for him. It is not the drugs, it is him. It is not an undiagnosed condition making him abusive, it is him.

You can not change him. This is him.

Your child deserves better.

Believe nothing from his mouth.

Weenurse · 09/02/2019 23:08

He needs to go. What you have described is very abusive behaviour

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/02/2019 23:09

At what point does this type of behaviour become abuse?

You are way past that point and then some. For the sake of you and your baby get rid of him. He’s an obnoxious, controlling abuser.

Lifeisnotsimple · 09/02/2019 23:09

Tootragictobefunny is right op. If ss get wind of this environment for the baby and you have openly opted to stay with this man because pigs might fly he will change, they will remove the child. You have a duty of care to that child and you are actively putting that child in harms way. I know cos im an adoptive mum with a child of such a situation. You need to act now before its too late, otherwise others will do it for you.