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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it ok for my bf to say this....

237 replies

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 18:48

'I'm a big man. No one can tell me what to do. I behave in a way that I find acceptable. I can do what I like.'

This was in response to me saying that perhaps we wouldn't argue if he behaved in an acceptable way. (He always accuses me of arguing if ever ask a question or don't follow his Instructions).

This exchange came about because this morning he asked me to call his daughter and ask to borrow some money. The money is for him, not me. I didn't want to but I can't lend it him so reluctantly agreed. I said i would message rather than call as its less pressurusing for her. He was ok with that. Until she didn't read the message straight away so he hung up on me. He came back in a strop, snapped at me when I asked if was going to the gym. Then he left without a word. He came back a couple of hours later, barely spoke to me other that to tell me he was going to his mums because I couldn't lend him my old phone as its not charging properly. Of course he was annoyed about that roo.

After he made his 'I can do what I like' speech he stormed out the house. Having told me earlier that he won't be back until tomorrow evening, missing a family party he said he would come to.

Is this just me being over sensitive and over thinking? Or am I right to be upset at how he behaved? I've lost all perspective 😞

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 03:28

How's it going, OP?

Pinkypie22 · 17/02/2019 11:10

Italiangreyhound thank you for thinking of me. I'm trying to take everything in at the moment and get some advice on a couple of things so I can work out the best way forward.

In the meantime he does appear to have stayed off the drugs, which is something at least.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 17/02/2019 19:03

Your partner should be kind, loving and considerate. It sounds as though he is none of those! What qualities does he actually bring to the relationship? Based upon your OP, I would get rid.

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 19:04

Pinkypie22 good news.

But please get the big picture advice from the thread. Drugs or not, is he safe to be alone with dd, can be care for her? If not, find a way to ensure he will only get supervises access.

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 19:12

So many people wrote good advice, I think, Gina2012 and all.

On the 10th you wrote "I'm in so much debt that I can't afford to buy food for the rest of the month. I'm going to a food bank Monday. And I've had to borrow money from someone to cover the rest of this months bills. Without money from him i can't get out of this situation."

D of you get sorted with a food bank? Where I live local charities provide clothes and baby equipment, bedding etc, for free. See what is available but do not tell your abusive partner or things may be sold on/ go missing.

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 19:40

OP I can't help re-reading the post from beingniceiscool11 at 09/02/2019 21:16

I won't copy the whole thing but the poster says...

"You're not blowing anything out of proportion. You're in a an abusive relationship. He is verbally abusing you, emotionally abusing you (telling you you're the dumbest person etc) shouting at you for "not doing as you're told" .....It's never ok for a man to speak to you like this, like you're a dog. I was in a relationship like this when I had a young baby and felt I was maybe "blowing things out of proportion". He has gaslighted me and psychologically torn me down so much that I doubted myself and thought maybe I was just being too sensitive. But none of this behaviour from him is normal, healthy or loving. When you step back and get perspective you will see looking back how wrong it is how he's treating you like this but he's gotten you used to it."

She adds "He eventually started doing it to my daughter as well - he couldn't contain his rage and he would grab her off me, shut me in a room, it started when I was pregnant but little things and I kept making excuses and "not wanting to blow it out of proportion" like you say. Fast forward 4 years and he has taken me to court to have joint custody of our daughter which he was awarded because there was never any record of his abusive behaviour to me because ..."

And adds...

"I wish I had taken Mumsnetters advice on my post 4 years ago telling me to get a Non-Molestation Order, report abuse to Healthy Visitor, make plans to leave then once I was safe, make Police Report.
Now my daughter suffers because of my inaction and fear of him and him telling me I was "making a big deal out of nothing". He has eroded away your sense of what's right and wrong and he has a lot of power over you, I can tell this by what you've said. But you can and should get out of this situation immediately. Every day you stay you are in danger or his rage turning physical and you are putting your baby in an abusive home which then the baby will soak up all your stress too. Trust me."

Please find a way to get free of this man, his coercive control, emotional control and financial control.

I've not read every post on here but this one really struck a nerve with me when I first read it. I'm very lucky my husband is not like this but I have a dear friend whose husband was abusive, mostly emotionally and financially.

Her ex has not paid her any maintenance but has the children in his care some of the time. No one suspected what he was like and although the abuse may have started during pregnancy she did not leave until kids were about 6! She is now happily married to a new man.

I want to wish you all the best. Flowers

Pinkypie22 · 17/02/2019 20:22

Thank you. There is so much to think about its hard to process it all. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard. I'm just taking one day at a time and seeking advice on whether or not I have grounds to ensure he isn't allowed unsupervised access. If he stays off the drugs then I might have to allow access, weekend stays etc and that's really not ok with me. It's about much more than just his drug taking.

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 17/02/2019 20:52

Hi OP call DV Assist and The Police.

Fl0w3r · 17/02/2019 20:56

@Pinkypie22 you appear to be living with my ex.

You're finding this so hard because he has corrupted your brain so badly.

It took me 6 months to get him to leave my house. And he got me into debt. The impact of him had such a detrimental effect on my mental health.... as it will have on yours too!

I would say please try and utilise all the services available for both you and your little one.

Also, don't believe his BS about stopping drugs, he'll stop for a bit whilst he knows you're getting stronger.

Also, inform the police, I regret not doing this sooner, I didn't as obviously the abuser minimises everything and I thought I was being silly as you described in your first post.

I wish you and your baby all the best. Stay strong. We're all here for you x

Pinkypie22 · 17/02/2019 21:28

Thank you. I really appreciate all the support

OP posts:
keepforgettingmyusername · 23/02/2019 23:13

You're a really good mummy @Pinkypie22

Pinkypie22 · 01/03/2019 21:07

Thank you keepforgettingmyusername

Today I have reported everything to the police. All feels a bit surreal. And u feel a bit silly, like I'm making a fuss

OP posts:
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