My husband slept with someone else

[Stargazer456]

Hello everyone

I am new here and this is my first post.

So my husband and I have been married 14 years and we have children. Put life has always been a bit of a well.... a perfect bubble I guess... we met at school and have been together forever I trusted him unconditionally. However 6 months ago he had what I can only describe as a breakdown of some sort and he just left out of the blue.
To cut a long story short whilst he was ‘away’ he met someone and they slept together, 4 times ... twice successfully and twice unsuccessfully because he said he couldn’t.
He asked to come back to me a month or so ago and I agreed but at the time didn’t know this had happened. He told me he’d met someone but was just a friend and nothing more and I believed him he swore I was the only one for him. Fast forward to last week and I find receipts for meals out etc and a holiday quote for 2!
He has admitted they were together and slept together. He says he’s sorry and made a stupid mistake and he is doing all he can for me but the pain is unbearable....
sorry for long post but I just feel so betrayed and broken 😢😢

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Some others will be along soon with some great advise for you. Xx

That's awful. I'm sorry OP. I think it's unlikely events occurred in the order written though. What I mean is that it's more likely that he appeared to have some sort of breakdown and then left out of the blue because he was seeing this woman - not that he left and then met her.

Do basically the long and short of it is he saw something he liked the look of and fucked off to pursue it, it didn't work out and now he's trying to weasel his way back in.

That's how it went down op and that's how it will go down again and again if you let it.

The breakdown was him having found someone, told you a lie he knew you would find plausible, then when things did not work out for him and the ow he came back running. He is only sorry because you found out about his lies and not because he is remorseful. What are all his other behaviours like? What was he like before the “breakdown”?

He could have tried using the Ross/Rachel line ‘We were on a break’ had he really had a breakdown and realised his mistake in leaving you.
However, the fact that you found out the information about OW, rather than him explaining the situation to start with a clean slate, suggests posters saying the relationship with OW did not work out as he had hoped was the actual truth.

Hi there,

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I know you must be completely besides yourself.

My major concern is similar to what others have already mentioned (I.e he had indeed already met this person, which is ultimately why he left you in the first place.) Worse still, he could have only come back because the other person dumped him.

Why should you put up with this, when you have done absolutely nothing wrong, other than having stuck by him for the long haul?

Personally, I wouldn't be so quick to take him back (even if you do intend to stay with him ultimately) because if it's so easy for him to stray and not pay, then he will most likely do this again to you, and you don't sound like you deserve this kind of treatment.

Make him experience the consequences of what he has done to your family for some time. In light of this latest discovery (receipt for meal for two) I would ask him to leave, and make the pig sweat...it might result in you deciding that, actually you don't want to be with him either. Alternatively, it may just confirm that you love him, and don't want to throw away all the years you've invested in your relationship.

Either way, I reiterate the point that I don't think you should make it easy for him.

I hope you can keep your chin up, and not allow this to affect your mental health/wellbeing too deeply (although I know you will presently be in turmoil, which is only natural.)

You have been together such a long time, and it may well be true that he feels this was all a mistake, and that he really loves you. Unfortunately you will probably never ever get to the bottom of the truth, so I would most definitely make him realise that if he betrays you like this in the future, it will be no easy sail.

OP how did he meet the OW?

I don't want to make you feel worse, but chances are it wasn't a break down. He left because he wanted to be able to shag her and try out being with her.

There clearly wasn't all he thought it would so he came back. He was going to book a holiday with her, that's not someone you just met and slept with.

This doesn't mean he thinks you are better than her or you won. It means you were his second choice.

I am so sorry

What was his role in family life whilst he was off on this jolly? Did he still help support you and his children or was he off having cosy meals for 2, checking out holidays and sleeping with OW whilst you looked after the house, children, and everything else? He seems to be minimising the sex by saying that twice he couldn't. Sorry but if you're laying naked with OW and you've kissed and fondled or whatever then I really don't care if you don't then finish the act. The betrayal is the same. He's saying this to make you feel better about what he did. Don't let him. He still went back again.

Boysandbuses, I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's necessarily the case that her DC thought the other woman was 'better than OP' or that she was '2nd choice'.

I'm not sure comments like that are particularly helpful (however well intentioned...)

It's not a comparison game if you ask me, it's just the typical story of a man wanting to try something 'different' (which unfortunately, for a man, 'different' might translate into 'new and shiny'...)

The wife could be Michelle Keegan/Cindy Crawford, but a new toy is exciting to the cheater - even if it looks like worzel Gummage in a skirt!

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you and understand you must be upset right now. You will also be in shock, so much of this will not make sense, however I do not think you are getting the full truth. The 'breakdown' was not what you are seeing it as-he has not stopped functioning, he has used it as an excuse to get out. I fear the relationship with OW has been going on longer than you realise and he will use every excuse to get away with it. I doubt very much it was only 4 times and twice he couldn't (cheaters script- I couldn't do it because of guilt/I thought of you/ I didn't like her enough blah blah blah). I think there is much more to this and you have to either be prepared for the whole story, or leave. I am not a LTB....however on this occasion I think there is much more to come out and it is whether you can cope with that. Big hugs. xx

Boysandbuses, I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's necessarily the case that her DC thought the other woman was 'better than OP' or that she was '2nd choice'.

Sorry but I disagree. If all had gone swimmingly with the OW he wouldn't have come back. It doesn't matter that famous women get cheated on. I don't see how that's relevant.

Men aren't children. Let's stop treating them as such and writing cheating off as a playing with a shiny new toy. You don't have responsibilities or made promises to toys to toys.

I think it is helpful for the op to realise exactly what's happened rather than letting him tell a narrative that doesnt even add up. What's not helpful is pretending this isn't as bad as it is and supporting his bullshit story of it didn't mean anything.

I don't want to hurt the op. But it's incredibly easy you start getting wrapped up 'well he must have wanted me more' or 'it wasn't his fault he had a breakdown/got tempted away' when you want you marriage to work.

Men rarely leave a relationship without having another lined up. I agree with the other posters that he met this woman before he left. The breakdown was a decoy. Just think about it op. If you had a breakdown would you then put yourself through a house move?

Flowers for you op

Your problem I think is that he’s a liar. Relationships might recover from infidelity but I’m not sure it’s possible if the cheater doesn’t own up to what he did and take full responsibility?

All this sex 4 times/only worked twice sounds utterly ridiculous, especially if they were planning a holiday together.

It sounds like this would need a lot of work to get through.

You can only work through this if he can be honest. He needs to know you want to be with him and the only possibility is all cards on the table. Perhaps get a baby sitter and tell him you’re give him an amnesty to tell you everything Saturday evening then go out and find a neutral spot to discuss this.

He may be being a snake and minimising or her may actually think the truth will end your marriage. It may be that the relationship was planned or that he broke down and meeting this woman made him see sense. But you actually need the truth to have any chance of saving it. You say life has been a dream so you know which one it’s likely to be.

Of course, I agree with everything that you have said! However, I wouldn't want OP comparing herself to this other woman, and imagining that his discretion is something to do with her (or how attractive/lovable she is/isn't..) it's so easy to get caught up in all that when you've been cheated on.

It's relevant, simply because I was trying to make the point that even if he has cheated, it doesn't mean that the OW was 'better' in any way than OP.

And of course all men are not 'children ' but the sad fact is that an awful lot of them are! And these pigs are literally looking for a shiny new toy, (which once it has been played with - whether he broke it, or the toy got sick of him, he wanted to go back to what was familiar. )

I am certainly not trying to make light of what he has done - I think it's heinous! But I also know how delicate OP must be feeling. I also know that she probably doesn't want to split with him right now (despite what we think) because she is embroiled in the situation, and she wasn't on the same page as him whatsoever.

I agree with PPs. His 'breakdown' will be him meeting OW and wanting to give it a go. It didn't work out and there are a million reasons why this might have been. He now wants to come 'home' (until the next time).

Dump him OP. His telling you about their sex life is all part of his spilling his guts but it's for his own benefit only isn't it? It hasn't made you feel better, put it that way. It's classic cheaters script.

The actual truth of this situation will be a country mile from what you have been told.

Agreed totally with Froggy.
Seen it so many times.

Very 'few' men ever leave their wives for ow's.

Marriage can run into trouble.
Busy lives.
No time for each other.
Money : job stresses.
Kids etc
Arguing and petty fights.
Put others first.
No excuse but fact.

Ow's are just distractions.

This could be a wake up call for a better marriage.

I know it's awful but once the anger has been work through and there should be anger , there is a way through this.

It's relevant, simply because I was trying to make the point that even if he has cheated, it doesn't mean that the OW was 'better' in any way than OP.

And I never said she was. What the op needs to understand is that she didn't win a prize. Does it mean the OW is better? No, but he thought the OW was and worth the risk. And he is back because it didn't work out.

He has continued to lie. You don't get back with someone you love and respect and mot be honest. He lies and tell op what he thinks will minimise it. He doesn't respect her enough to be honest.

And of course all men are not 'children ' but the sad fact is that an awful lot of them are! And these pigs are literally looking for a shiny new toy, (which once it has been played with - whether he broke it, or the toy got sick of him, he wanted to go back to what was familiar. )

No, that's a cop out. They aren't children.

They are adults he made adult decisions, to leave his wife, shag this woman (being unsuccessful didn't stop him giving it more than one go) then to go back to his wife and not be honest with her....oh while faking a break down.

He is an adult who made adult decisions and won't face up to it. He won't even be honest. Writing it off as childish behaviour is akin to saying 'they can't help it'

Children can't help their behaviour alot of the time, that's what we teach them. Saying these pigs are like kids is giving them an out

Sorry OP, but I agree with others that it seems more likely that he met OW before he walked out, rather than after. After all, that finally explains what has been troubling you all this time - how could he leave you “out of the blue” for no reason at all?

I also agree with blackcat that his behaviour during the five months away is an important point. Was he doing his best to co-parent with you despite the relationship breakdown, or was he off on a jolly leaving you to hold everything together at home?

Good luck OP

Clearly, the grass isn't greener on the other side.

I don't even get the 4 times sex nonsense either! I would be needing a break to clear my head if I were you OP. This man doesn't deserve a second chance.

He's a cheat and also dishonest and a liar, now these are heinous crimes and they don't and can't change. Save yourself from a repeat torture OP!

Not at all am I making excuses for his vile behaviour, by insinuating that he has the mentality of a child.

In my mind, a 'cop out' is something that lends an excuse for one's reckless actions (be it plausible or not,) where as, I am just making the point that he may well be a right dick head! (Which is absolutely possible impo)

It may absolutely be the case that he thought the OW was worth the risk, (clearly, at some stage he thought something about her) but that doesn't necessarily mean he thought 'more' of her.

I agree with PP's who said he probably came crawling back because his new 'toy' didn't want to play anymore. (See my first reply to this post,) at which stage he went running back to what was familiar. Now if he was a mature adult he would realise that his cheating occurred as a direct result of something he felt amiss in his relationship (which I guess was probably nothing more than a bit of excitement that he craved.) But instead of addressing this he runs back to family with a sleeve full of excuses...

If that isn't acting like a 'child' I don't know what is.

I also suspect that OP has been through every possible scenario while she's been struggling with this betrayal; so I doubt she's as naive as ppl might believe based on this post alone. I suspect she's just reaching out.

Well put Foggy.
Men don't talk about their problems.
Women do.

Thanks everyone. Sorry I’ve not been back. I don’t know where to start. I found out 6 months ago that there was a second women who he met three times and slept with once. We are still ‘together’ but to be honest I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m heading. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. He promises he didn’t meet her before he left....? I think I believe him.
I don’t know what I’m asking I am just reaching out I guess.
It’s a year now since he left and got with them and it’s been the hardest year of my life, I wish someone could just tell me what to do 😢
Can couples really come back from this?
Thanks again from the bottom of my heart for responding xx

He's a serial liar and cheat. There's no coming back from this. Take that number he gave you, 2, and add a zero on it. He's a punk.