My husband slept with someone else

[Stargazer456]

Hello everyone

I am new here and this is my first post.

So my husband and I have been married 14 years and we have children. Put life has always been a bit of a well.... a perfect bubble I guess... we met at school and have been together forever I trusted him unconditionally. However 6 months ago he had what I can only describe as a breakdown of some sort and he just left out of the blue.
To cut a long story short whilst he was ‘away’ he met someone and they slept together, 4 times ... twice successfully and twice unsuccessfully because he said he couldn’t.
He asked to come back to me a month or so ago and I agreed but at the time didn’t know this had happened. He told me he’d met someone but was just a friend and nothing more and I believed him he swore I was the only one for him. Fast forward to last week and I find receipts for meals out etc and a holiday quote for 2!
He has admitted they were together and slept together. He says he’s sorry and made a stupid mistake and he is doing all he can for me but the pain is unbearable....
sorry for long post but I just feel so betrayed and broken 😢😢

Him "leaving out of the blue" is more than reason enough to get rid. That is completely inexcusable. As for him having a "breakdown", that is utter bullshit. He left for another woman, and after that blew up in his face, he comes crawling back to you. Now you know there was at least another woman his dick fell into. Surprise, surprise.

Stop being a mug and kick this twat to the kerb.

I can tell you what to do OP because I'm practising what I preach here.
It will take more than a year but you'll be fine. The first year is the worst and you're through it already.
What you do is you get yourself the Chumplady book on audible. You can get a free trial if you don't want to subscribe properly.
I've read all the books and done all the therapy but that book was what helped me understand it all the best.
After a 28 year marriage my decree nisi was done on Friday and I'm starting to feel So Much Better. Yes it's painful - excruciating sometimes - but I can see that the pain is getting less with time and as I'm moving towards my new life.
Seriously - get the book and ditch the cheating liar.

Can couples really come back from this?

No I don't believe so. When my ex cheated and left for OW I was on the floor with grief, no exaggeration. Our DD was only a baby, I was utterly devastated. I would have had him back. I swore I would never be involved with another man in my life ever again.

6 months later the fog started to clear and the anger kicked in. I was horrified that I even considered wanting him back. 8 months after he left I met my now DP, we've been together for years now and a nicer man I couldn't have wished for.

I now know that even if my ex had stayed with me, I would have left him anyway when the anger kicked in. I am very thankful actually that he left and my new life was able to begin. You need time.

can they.well from how low you still sound and what youve said in this past all these months later...no they cant.or maybe some can but you cant. you sound so very down and beaten.and to be coming back shows its all bloody shit.
so i dont know the ins and outs.but id say you need to leave him hun.for your own peace of mind.this post all these months later to me shows youve given it a bloody good go.and to be returning stll feeling like you do means your just cant do this.and that is ok.you were put through so much and you stayed,you tried.
time to run free i think.time to start living.time to even start being happy again.

I don't think you can come back from this tbh, because he's still lying to you op.

There's no chance he just upped and left and then "conveniently" met Ow, she was there all along, and you are being very naive believing him.

Unless there's complete transparency you can't even being to rebuild trust.

He's already changed his story's by the looks of thing? 2 shags to 1? How did that happen?

I do know one marriage that came through infidelity. It wasn't the same afterwards but it was more honest and actually seemed stronger. Interestingly, he genuinely had a breakdown through the stress of the situation that he himself had created. His long term partner managed to hold everything together for him, and he genuinely did everything he could to build a new relationship with her, including changing jobs to be away from the other woman, lots of therapy, and a fresh commitment to her in the form, eventually, of marriage.

IME however, it is very, very rare for a relationship to survive infidelity in this way and will only do so if there is total openness, total honesty, a willingness to answer all questions over and over if necessary.

Very best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

Do you want to live with him when you can't trust him?

I don't know to answer your question, but I think it would be nice if you could have time out and away for all sorts of reasons and for as long as you need to take.

Can you get away from your routine, chores, home and just spend some time somewhere different to be able to look at your life away from it? To find out what you miss (him?) or not..

Otherwise, you are just picking up where you left off, which is where you don't want to be ever again. Either of you.

Good luck!

Thank you so much all of you. I am honestly just feeling so numb right now, he is actively working to help me through this, and can’t do enough for me, there is just this great big but hanging over me, a big hole in our marriage and burning questions as to why I wasn’t enough why our years together weren’t enough to raise a voice in his head to stop and say no 😢
There are days when I want to be with him so much and other days I just don’t know, I just keep waiting to wake up with some sort of clarification, but it never comes, and I keep thinking about my children and how happy they are to have daddy home xx

Sorry, no. It's 99% that he met someone, had an affair, left for her and it didn't work out.

He didn't have a 'breakdown' and then - when in mental health crisis, coincidentally meet someone and start a new relationship. He just didn't.

Start by not believing him OP, it will protect you more in the long run.

OP I agree with what everyone else has said. He was already deceiving and lying to you before his ‘breakdown’ (guilty conscience) took hold and he left. He then moved straight on with the OW whom he already had lined up. It didn’t work out with her because he realised the grass wasn’t greener and he learned what he had to loose.
You will only truly be able to move forward from this if he is 100% truthful, honest and transparent with you about what happened. He has only given you half truths at the moment. Maybe going to some form of counseling together would help draw out his reasoning behind abandoning his relationship. Lots of people will tell you to LTB but ultimately it’s your relationship and you sound as though you want to work to reconcile so you need to be very clear what you need from him from here on in. Absolutely NO contact with the OW (or any others for that matter) for a start.

Thank you do you really think so? He swears he met her after he left through plenty of fish.... I just don’t know what to believe or how to find out. I’ve been through his phone and credit card and there is no evidence of anything prior so how do I ever find out?

We are already in individual counselling as I don’t feel ready for joint.

He has cheated twice, what more do you need.

He met her before or after it doesn't really matter, he left you and your children.

The trust is gone

All my sympathy to you, OP. I have been there too.

Him 'actively working to help' you is the manipulative tactic that is causing you to doubt yourself day to day, and seek clarity. It would be so much easier if your H came with a massive paper tag with neon arrows saying 'serial cheater' and 'didn't care about his wife and children when he had sex all round him' and 'fancied a random shag to his children's happiness'.

His being superficially nice to you now is further deceit and manipulation. It is doing you no favours- quite the opposite.

People like you H are not special- they are common and worthless. You can SO EASILY do better than him, by virtue of this. You have nothing to lose in that respect.

In terms of your children's happiness as a factor you are worrying about- your children will pick up so much on the unhappiness, lack of security and uncertainty in your relationship. It will be happier for them also if you leave, rather than remaining in this relationship.

Throw that disrespectful cheating liar of a man out! If you stay with him you will have a lifetime of pain. Get some self respect and a new much better life away from him, or you will be dealing with this type of shit from him forever, he thinks you're a fool and will continue to treat you as such unless you wise up to his lying, cheating ways. Its only a matter of time before the next OW.....

He's a liar. I wouldn't believe a word he says.

He left to pursue OW, quite blatantly.

He's placating and hopes it will blow over. He needs to learn his triggers and be honest. You could try relate if you want to make a go of it. He's a rat, deserves to go under the patio.

Hi OP
I could have wrote your original post, im going through the same thing at the moment.
Separated end of last year his decision although i agreed due to being worn down, he slept with someone else a few times and then came back 5months later.
We are trying again and im another 5months down the line but it doesnt seem to be getting easier im afraid to say.
Im sure there are some positive stories of people making it work and i hope i end up one of them.
He also say it started after we split but i know emotionally it was before.
Its hard and i hope things improve for you, sorry i dont have any good advice but just wanted you to know your not alone in these situations xx

So he's left his wife and family, is having a 'breakdown' and his first thought isn't to get himself some therapy, get to the bottom of this breakdown...it's to get on POF and meet another woman...

And now he's moved home, all full of the sorries. Well, I'd get him to move out, first and foremost. If he's REALLY sorry and wants to make a go of your marriage, then he will give you the space and time to process everything he's said, and he will visit to see his children. Sounds like he's just moved back in and is just waiting for you to shut up and forget about it.

Has he had therapy for his 'breakdown' yet?

OP, you know he's a liar, because he's proved it over and over. How will you ever be able to trust him again? You'd frankly be foolish to do so.

That's what the reconciliation people don't think of in their proclamations of how an affair can improve a marriage. It never changes the repeated betrayal, the repeated lies and the repeated lack of respect.

This had nothing to do with you and your desirability or worth. It is primarily down to his poor character.

The only way he can ever regain your trust is by never lying again. It would take years. I think he should move out until then - I also think you'd then soon find out how serious he was about reconciling.

People who have a breakdown don’t get on the computer and start dating. They just don’t. I have a friend who had a breakdown and a group of people had to work together to get him to the hospital. That’s a breakdown. What he did was leave to shag around. He came back because reality didn’t live up to fantasy. Wouldn’t you be happier taking control and going after a new life without a liar in it?

How did he behave on his “gap year” to you and your DCs?

Was he at The Priory - doing therapy during this “breakdown”?

Most people’s sex drive goes off a cliff when depressed.......

Whilst your DCs are happy to have Daddy back they are losing their Mum as this preoccupies you and erodes you from the inside out. This seems to be destroying your MH - don’t do this to yourself and your DCs.

Ask him to move out for 6 months - to give you some healing space. Whatever he is doing now is not working. How did you manage when he left last year - how does it feel to have a break now to get perspective?

I note from your first posts that he made the move to come back to you around Xmas / NY? How was Xmas/NY for you all last year - was that a lonely time for him particularly? Where was the OW then?

You are in great turmoil because you know what your H is capable of. He abandoned you and the children. He cheated with 2 women. He sought illicit sex/ego boosts. He returned under false pretenses, telling lie after lie. It is likely that you do not know the full story.

This is not a trustworthy or reliable man. Personally, I could not live a life filled with uncertainty and anxiety. Also, I wouldn’t want this to be my children’s blueprint for their future relationships.

OP he might have been using a pre-paid mobile. One of those cheap things you buy at the supermarket with x amount of data and credit built-in.