My husband slept with someone else

[Stargazer456]

Hello everyone

I am new here and this is my first post.

So my husband and I have been married 14 years and we have children. Put life has always been a bit of a well.... a perfect bubble I guess... we met at school and have been together forever I trusted him unconditionally. However 6 months ago he had what I can only describe as a breakdown of some sort and he just left out of the blue.
To cut a long story short whilst he was ‘away’ he met someone and they slept together, 4 times ... twice successfully and twice unsuccessfully because he said he couldn’t.
He asked to come back to me a month or so ago and I agreed but at the time didn’t know this had happened. He told me he’d met someone but was just a friend and nothing more and I believed him he swore I was the only one for him. Fast forward to last week and I find receipts for meals out etc and a holiday quote for 2!
He has admitted they were together and slept together. He says he’s sorry and made a stupid mistake and he is doing all he can for me but the pain is unbearable....
sorry for long post but I just feel so betrayed and broken 😢😢

Right now you have no reason to believe that he won’t up and leave tomorrow or go and shag some women and you’ll never know unless you find the receipts.

That’s why you are still suffering just as much a year on.

You know in your gut that this is unfixable. He is still lying, concealing and minimising right now.

This man has it in him to just walk out on your kids. Don’t spend your life wondering when it’s going to happen again. Take back control xxx

You wish someone would tell you what to do.

LTB

When you bring it up, does he make you feel bad for making HIM feel bad? Does he get angry at you because he feels guilty, or are you allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling?

there is just this great big but hanging over me, a big hole in our marriage

It won't go away sorry. You won't be able to fully trust again. You can carry on and fake it but as someone who did that my advice will always be to leave.

Of course he is all over you and can't do enough. He wants his cake and eat it too. He'll be back to it next time someone else comes along and then will crawl back as he has done now. He will tell you what you want to hear to get back in.

Remember he did it twice, not once, twice - that you know of. How many more do you want to find out about?

You're confused because he's now around, all the time, acting like the ideal husband and clouding your judgement.

I think you need time, and more importantly space (away from him).

OP, the reason he’s cheated (and there will be more women than you know about btw) is because you’ve basically given him the green light to continue to treat you like utter shit. He’s actually treating the other women better than he is you, his wife, the mother of his children.
Stop wasting your life with this dick.
Whether he met another woman before or after he left is a completely and utterly pointless issue - he left you and his children OP, he slept with loads of women OP, all whilst married and committed to you. Did his wedding vows mean fuck all to him?
You’ve got two choices, one you dump him now, before you or he talks you around or two, you let him carry on cheating for the next 20-40 years and just deal with it, as you’re allowing him to do already.

I’m sorry OP if I’m coming across as a bit strong, but I’m just so angry for you. How dare he think he can treat you this way! Doesn’t it get to you when you’re intimate with him?

Lastly, read your own posts back to yourself as if you’re reading a best friends posts - what advice would you give them? You don’t sound like you’ve realised just what an absolute shit he is.

What should you do? LTB

Speaking from the experience of hanging on to a marriage after finding out he cheated, I wish I would have completely ended it right when I found out. I would have been spared more heartache and grief and would have been able to move on sooner.

I regret sticking around and trying.

He's betrayed and lied to you and is still lying to you and there is no coming back from that. Hope you have checked out chumplady. That place helped out a lot.

My ex husband is trying to insist that I entertain him and his girlfriend for three days over Christmas, in what was our marital home ( which became mine following our divorce) for many years, as our grown up daughters and their families are coming to spend the holiday with me and he wants to see them and our grandchildren. He says I am being unreasonable in saying no. We have suggested he rents an airbnb nearby so that he can invite the families to join him without me for some of the time. However, nothing less than his demands will satisfy. He has refused to include his Asian girlfriend in the discussion - tho she is a mature woman 'because she wouldn't understand why I wouldn't welcome her'. My daughters are very patient but accept I have a right to say who comes into my home and feel they have tried to put forward many alternative solutions all of which I have agreed to - all to no avail. Am I being unreasonable ? We were married for many many years and he was the instigator of the divorce.

OMG Nankin this is horrific.
You definitely should not let him anywhere near your home/sanctuary so that he can pollute it.
It’s all about power and male territorial dominance - don’t let him do it.

And exclusion is the price you pay when you shit all over your family.

I wouldn’t even be encouraging him to be staying locally - he will turn up on your doorstep and cause a scene - you will be on pins throughout. You need your DD to take over - to tell him they will see him elsewhere for NY lunch or something.

Hilarious that he wants to pretend to his GF that all is amicable.

This is your revenge moment - find your anger don’t be polite - get your DD on side. Totally unreasonable

Blimey @Nanakin stick to your guns! Your house your rules! If you were on good terms with him and he met this woman some time following the divorce then that would be up to you but I can’t imagine it would be a comfortable scenario for either you or the girlfriend! He’s off his head if he thinks so!

Oh HELL no, Nanakin! That’s beyond weird!!!
He will probably turn up with his bags. You will all laugh at him and say, “Don’t be so stupid - Do you have dementia? You can’t set foot in this house ever again!” And slam the door.
Easy.

Life is short and yours is far too precious and important to stay with someone who claims to love you yet choses to hurt you in an extremely cruel act of betrayal. Ultimately it has to be your choice how you move forward but you have to, with or without him. It's not as straight forward when children are involved and you absolutely have my sympathy at this time. The question is could you ever completely forgive and forget or will it eat away at you till the arguments start and you end up hating each other? There are too many lovely, loyal and kind men out there that would treat you the way you and your babies deserve. Stay strong pet and stay strong x

Thank you everyone I really do appreciate your replies.
In answer to one of the questions he sometimes listens to me when I tell him how I’m feeling but for the most part he gets angry and often walks out.
Last night was awful, I’d been out with a friend and I was no angel and said some hurtful things to him, it was like all the feelings hit me at once. He got so angry, he took his wedding ring off and pushed me, then walked out.
He came back and has been very apologetic today.
I just feel so sad and numb all at the same time
Thank you again so much for taking the time to read and reply to me x

Without a doubt - time to move on! You will both continue to get more and more angry, life is short. Enjoy the single life and if/when you feel ready search for the person that will love you and treat you the way you deserve x

‘ He got so angry, he took his wedding ring off and pushed me, then walked out.
He came back and has been very apologetic today.’

Massive disrespect marker there.

He doesn’t respect you op, it was already clear after sleeping with 2 other women, please get rid of him. You deserve better.

Do you think your children would be as happy to have him around if they understood how he’s been treating you? I doubt it.
They’d get used to it.

I think people can get over this, but there needs to be respect. There isn’t any of that here for you.

He pushed you?

Right, he is done. While he's trying to persuade you to forgive him for multiple infidelities, he physically lays his hands on you in anger? He is a horrible, abusive man who doesn't respect you, just expects you to fall in line, and when you won't manage your emotions to suit his timetable, gets physical with you to show you who's the boss.

This is not a good man who is having a tough time, op. This guy is an arse hole and you need to stop trying fix the relationship (sounds like you're the only one trying, anyway) and end things.

I'm really sorry he's such a twat

OP I hope your ok but men like this don't change. He's cheated on you with two separate women that you know of and joined an online dating site. There will be many more you don't know about! He's now pushed you, you need to leave him. Do you have any support in real life?

😢 I just don’t know what to do I feel like I’m swinging in circles.
No don’t have anyone I can talk to just me.
There is so much that’s happened but don’t feel it’s right to post it all here on the open web as it were 😢 just want to wake up and have my life back 😢

Sorry op I have to agree with other posters. He left while in the throes of a breakdown but then got himself a profile on PoF?
Even if he didn't meet her before he left the alternative scenario sucks just as much. He clearly wanted to meet someone else. Why else did he join a dating site.
I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear. I know it's incredibly difficult when you desperately want to believe the person you love but his version of events doesn't add up.

OP, I am sorry you’re having to deal with all this. May I just bring up a practical point. You need to go to the clinic for an STI check, as your husband has potentially exposed you to infection.
As for your marriage - your husband has shown you very clearly what sort of man he is. He has cheated on you multiple times, been physically aggressive when you expressed perfectly justifiable anger/distress and given no sign of respecting you, or remorse for his behaviour or any indication that he will change in future.
I honestly think you should divorce him, before this sham marriage further destroys your self respect and confidence.
You deserve so much better than this arsehole. But you will never have the chance to meet a decent man if you remain with this abusive pathetic chap.

Well said Babcoc I hope you find the strength to move on from this guy. He doesn't deserve you x

Stargazer you don't need to reveal anything more- what you've already written is way more than enough to call time on this sorry excuse for a relationship.

Your H isn't the person you believed him to be. That is extremely sad and you are grieving the loss of that man and the life you had together. Don't try and hang on to that life, it's an illusion. He won't ever change- he doesn't love and respect you in the way you deserve to be loved and respected.

He got angry because he feels you should be 'over it' by now, because he's graciously bestowed his presence on you and you should be grateful for that. Well, fuck that, I say. You don;t need to be grateful for anything from him.

Kick him out. Leave him to his pathetic life. Make your life your own.

It really doesn't matter if he met them before or after his 'breakdown' he was married to you, therefore he cheated. He actively joined up to plenty of fish, it wasn't a spontaneous one night stand he was looking for sex.

Although some people can get past cheating I don't think you will be able to from your posts, especially as things are still coming out, you obviously don't know the whole truth.
You will forever be questioning his every move, constantly checking up on him, life will never be the same as it was before unfortunately.

You deserve better, show him the door.

So it's turning physical now.

You need to leave him. You are making excuses all the time for his terrible behaviour.

I don't think anyone on this thread have told you that you are right to second guess and give him an chance. We are all saying he's a liar and a cheat.

I just want to cry no idea what to do, how I feel, or what my future looks like now 😢