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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband slept with someone else

162 replies

Stargazer456 · 07/02/2019 19:17

Hello everyone

I am new here and this is my first post.

So my husband and I have been married 14 years and we have children. Put life has always been a bit of a well.... a perfect bubble I guess... we met at school and have been together forever I trusted him unconditionally. However 6 months ago he had what I can only describe as a breakdown of some sort and he just left out of the blue.
To cut a long story short whilst he was ‘away’ he met someone and they slept together, 4 times ... twice successfully and twice unsuccessfully because he said he couldn’t.
He asked to come back to me a month or so ago and I agreed but at the time didn’t know this had happened. He told me he’d met someone but was just a friend and nothing more and I believed him he swore I was the only one for him. Fast forward to last week and I find receipts for meals out etc and a holiday quote for 2!
He has admitted they were together and slept together. He says he’s sorry and made a stupid mistake and he is doing all he can for me but the pain is unbearable....
sorry for long post but I just feel so betrayed and broken 😢😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargazer456 · 11/01/2020 08:01

🤣 I wish. It’s unreal he’s messaging so many women on social media from all over the world.... commenting on their looks, skin tone, 🤢 it’s so so sleazy.
He is not someone i recognise anymore. just wish I could understand how and why he could do this. And if he thinks about women like this it feels like the way I thought he looked at me was all a lie

OP posts:
Happiness73 · 11/01/2020 11:13

Im so sorry this has happened to you..i feel he is trying to justify his actions because they haven't worked out and now he wants you back. He left you for another woman, you deserve loyalty and respect not this x

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/01/2020 11:38

People change, mostly not for the better.
I'd go off social media and tell your friends you don't want to know what he is doing.
Rebuild your life, OP. Focus on you and your children.

Pinkybutterfly · 11/01/2020 12:20

Sorry op. You miss the person you fell in love with, no that womaniser. Today is going to be hard but tomorrow will be another day, and you will heal. You are stronger than you think xxxx

ohwheniknow · 11/01/2020 12:35

Have you considered doing the Freedom Programme course as one of your next steps?

It might help you with making sense of everything so you can start processing it and healing.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

ohwheniknow · 11/01/2020 12:39

This is why I'm suggesting the Freedom Programme:

My counsellor says he is emotionally and mentally abusive .... so hard to accept that but I can see aspects of it now.

It will help things click into place and deal with the "why?" questions and self-blame.

It's info not therapy but the group courses are free, confidential and supportive. You wouldn't have to talk, you can just listen. If you cannot get to a group there's an online version, but I would really recommend the group.

MyOtherProfile · 11/01/2020 12:45

So sorry OP. How are the children coping? Is he seeing them?

Magicpaintbrush · 11/01/2020 13:11

I'm so sorry OP, the amount of pain you are in is just leaping out of the words you have written, I wish there was something I could do to help. I would think that given enough time and space there will come a time where you can feel differently about him and that your love for him will diminish as the reality of who he really is starts to hit home, and that in turn each day will be less painful going forward. At the moment you are in a place where you are in shock and can't get your head around the memory of who you thought he was in comparison to the absolute despicable prick he is proving himself to actually be now. It must feel impossible right now to imagine your life without him because you are so ingrained in your relationship and he has been your world for so long, trying to concieve of a new and different reality must be horrendous. I think in hindsight it will be for the best that he has left, it will give you the space you need to gain some clarity and I think you would have continued to hang on in there otherwise but you would have been so unhappy. Carry on with the counselling - book extra sessions if you need to - and then, if you start to feel stronger try and work up a 'fuck you' attitude and throw yourself into life with gusto. He has chosen meaningless over meaningful and it will not bring him happiness in the long term. But you have an opportunity to escape, to start afresh and maybe one day to meet someone better. For now though 'just keep swimming', look after yourself and your child, do whatever it takes to get through to the other side. You deserve much better than this sorry excuse for a man. He is a disgrace. Sending you hugs.

Kaurs25 · 25/02/2020 19:08

Hi, same happened with me , in November 2019 found out he cheat me but first he said he slept with her, now he said he didn't, im in so much pain i didn't tell anyone , staying with him because of kids

Lozzerbmc · 25/02/2020 19:27

Once the trust is gone its very hard to find a way back. Its horrible when you find out they are not who you think they are. But there is life after a bad marriage that ends with cheating. It is possible to be happy again.

mamato3lads · 26/02/2020 17:49

@Stargazer456

How are you doing? Xxx Flowers

Original poster
Stargazer456 · 10/03/2020 20:18

Hi sorry not been on for a while. I'm ok I think, well most days I am .... I dont really know. I've now got a solicitor but no idea what my next step is or what to do 😥

OP posts:
MetalRecycling · 10/03/2020 21:07

No words of wisdom, just Flowers

Original poster
Stargazer456 · 10/03/2020 22:37

Thank you. Hes literally disappeared on us and of course it's all my fault 🙄
We have no real contact .... and when we do he tells me how disgusted he is with me 🤷🏻‍♀️. My children are a mess I have no idea what to do next but just taking each day as it comes.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 11/03/2020 02:10

Your steps should be financial, OP. Ensure he’s paying for his children, whether or not he chooses to see them. Get them some counselling so they don’t feel rejected.

You deserve better than this lowlife.

Dery · 11/03/2020 17:21

Of course, he should be disgusted with himself but it's much easier for him to say he is disgusted with you. Don't allow those conversations. Go NC if you can or, if you have to be in contact, terminate the discussion if he becomes abusive. I have seen posters say on other threads – your goal is to become indifferent to his opinion of you. But in fact it's better for your lawyers or perhaps other family members to do the communicating so you don't have to deal with him at all. His nastiness is horrible but it shows you how much better off you are without him and his opinion of you is entirely irrelevant. He just doesn't want to accept that he's the villain in this story. I don't know what the problem is with so many of these men who leave their families nowadays and their refusal to accept responsibility for what they are doing. Really, it's pathetic. My parents' marriage broke up after decades together because my dad persisted in having affairs, but at least he accepted that he was the one who was behaving badly and never tried to pin the blame on my mum.

Get as much RL support as you can for yourself and your DCs. If they are in school, their school may well be able to offer them support also. Other Mumsnetters have been through this and will testify to the fact that – hard as this is now - you will get to a much happier place and be thankful that he is out of your life.

Zed2118 · 30/03/2020 00:04

My husband cheated on me...

I am 6 months pregnant and have just found out a month before I fell pregnant my husband slept with his ex wife. The mother of his first children. We was going through some difficulties but still together and I assumed we was working through them. However he was too busy sleeping with her and kept it from me. He not only had sex with her he recorded it and that’s how I found out. He had it on his phone all this time! He says he was drunk and not in his right mind... every mans bull crap excuse. I don’t know what to do. Need advice. I don’t want to be a single mother as if only young myself and have no other support but I don’t see how I am meant to move past this. Just so lost. Please help

Kintsugi16 · 30/03/2020 04:03

Zed2118 Flowers

I’m so sorry,
I suggest you start your own thread

Original poster
Stargazer456 · 23/04/2020 00:15

Hi everyone, sorry not been here for a while. Nothing has changed, hes not paying maintenance, wont speak to me but when there is minimal contact he just talks at me and continues to blame me for everything, tells me.im a.bitch and that I disgust him and that I'm a constant joke 😥
Why does it still hurt so much 😥😥

OP posts:
PurpleTrilby · 23/04/2020 00:31

I'm so sorry you are dealing with his bullshit. Don't listen to him, he is full of shit. Keep on keeping o xxx

Toutsain · 23/04/2020 04:23

Couples can come back from infidelity but it requires complete honesty, and on your side a lot of maturity and energy, to be able to listen without interruption. When something similar happened to me, I was too forgiving. I needed to have said how devastated I felt. So speak your truth, try to start sentences with ‘I feel..’, not You ..’ This is easier in a public place than at home, but if you make an agreement (eg each person speak without interruption for 5 minutes, without blaming the other, it could work. You haven’t said if you’re sleeping together. Not a good idea until you have had those discussions. Don’t dwell on the affair, talk about how you each feel. I found ‘Hearts in Harmony’ to be a good listen/read when working on relationship problems. Hope you can get some resolution and peace, and on the positive side, I did gain wisdom and confidence despite the awfulness of betrayal.

Windmillwhirl · 23/04/2020 06:57

What a horrible man. You need to find your backbone. He's just projecting his anger at you. He is the cheat and the disgusting sleazy one. I haven't read the full thread but if everyone knows what he did, then understand that is the reason hs is treating you so bad. He's humiliated.

Keep moving ahead with the separation and next time he lays into you tell him to stop projecting, take responsibility for his actions and grow up. He sounds like a child.

For you Flowers stay strong x

Cambionome · 23/04/2020 07:10

Keep going, stay strong. You can and will do this. Flowers

Original poster
Stargazer456 · 23/04/2020 07:31

Thank you (deep breath) omg no not sleeping together he left me (again) a while back ...
Just still hurts 😥

OP posts:
newstarting · 23/04/2020 08:06

You know you’re not a bitch or disgusting. He is. He’s slept with numerous women, he’s trying to destroy you to make himself feel better. It’s guilt. You have to ignore him and go no contact. It’s not fair on you. He might also be trying to drag you down so that if things don’t work out he can come back and you’ll be grateful to have him. Right now he knows you won’t find another guy. You feel too bad. Block his number. Have you sorted out child maintenance? Have you filed for divorce? Get those things sorted and you’ll feel much better for taking control of your life