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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband slept with someone else

162 replies

Stargazer456 · 07/02/2019 19:17

Hello everyone

I am new here and this is my first post.

So my husband and I have been married 14 years and we have children. Put life has always been a bit of a well.... a perfect bubble I guess... we met at school and have been together forever I trusted him unconditionally. However 6 months ago he had what I can only describe as a breakdown of some sort and he just left out of the blue.
To cut a long story short whilst he was ‘away’ he met someone and they slept together, 4 times ... twice successfully and twice unsuccessfully because he said he couldn’t.
He asked to come back to me a month or so ago and I agreed but at the time didn’t know this had happened. He told me he’d met someone but was just a friend and nothing more and I believed him he swore I was the only one for him. Fast forward to last week and I find receipts for meals out etc and a holiday quote for 2!
He has admitted they were together and slept together. He says he’s sorry and made a stupid mistake and he is doing all he can for me but the pain is unbearable....
sorry for long post but I just feel so betrayed and broken 😢😢

OP posts:
KRRA · 14/11/2019 20:16

You have to remember that although you are probably at your lowest point right now, things will get better. The priority for you is your children, where you will live and how you will manage financially. Could you maybe speak to a professional? Whether it's a lawyer or whoever there are people who can help. You have rights and entitlements and should use them. Perhaps rent somewhere near your children's school? It's clear that you are very unhappy and I'm sending you a virtual cuddle. Try to remain strong and focus on how you have been treated by a person who claims to love you. Deal with one thing at a time and don't be afraid to share things on here, we don't all know each other but you'll notice that people genuinely care (cause that's what humans do or are meant to do!) And have offered some good advice. Stay strong, head up, deep breaths and start planning x

Stargazer456 · 14/11/2019 21:07

Thank you so so much your reply means so much. I just feel numb for the most part. There are moments when I think I love him and we will be ok but there are moments when I look at him and think who the hell are you, how could you have done this, I just can’t quite believe it. He is remorseful but at the same time ‘carries on’ with life as normal. I was thinking about it today and he always messages me throughout the day and I always thank him for his messages but he never thanks me for staying for being with him, he just says I’m welcome... it probably seems silly but part of me thinks he should be thanking me, he should be acknowledging what it’s like for me... maybe he does but isn’t saying .... I don’t know...
sorry I’m waffling now 😔

OP posts:
KRRA · 14/11/2019 22:13

Don't apologies, it sounds like he's successfully ground you down. Why would you thank him for texting you? I can understand you are trying to hold on to what you used to have and how things were but it's him that's ruined it not you. If he had strayed once then yes maybe you could both move on but the guys a tom cat, it sounds like he's getting a piece at anyone's door and coming to you in between. Think about it, if a man treated your daughter that way, what would your advice be?? You must be exhausted with it all and I don't doubt not getting much sleep. He had his chance with you and he blew it, tough!

IdblowJonSnow · 14/11/2019 22:27

You need to get rid. You will never have peace.
And yes, he should be bloody thanking you the douche bag.
Two women? There might be even more. Tell him to go.
I'm sorry OP. It must be awful. Flowers
Some men are just like this. It's not you its him.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/11/2019 22:32

He pushed you?! What a fucking prick.
So violent as well as a cheat. Just get rid and quickly.
Let someone else have this prize (nob).

Ilovethekitties · 14/11/2019 22:35

Why does he deserve your love OP?

Stargazer456 · 14/11/2019 22:46

He doesn’t 😔😢

OP posts:
Stargazer456 · 14/11/2019 22:50

My family tell me he loves me and I need to move forward and put the past behind me, if only they knew how hard.... impossible that feels... and even if I could it goes against all I believe. It makes me so sad that last Christmas (I didn’t know about the other women then) I made him a jar full of quotes about how special our marriage was and how it was worth fighting for, I threw it away when I found out.
He’d never do anything like that for me 😢

OP posts:
Ilovethekitties · 14/11/2019 22:58

Are you religious OP? I am trying to work out why on earth your family would tell you to stay with a man like this.

Stargazer456 · 14/11/2019 23:02

no not religious

OP posts:
Stargazer456 · 14/11/2019 23:03

They think he had a mid life crisis and wasn’t in his right mind at the time

OP posts:
Housemove18 · 14/11/2019 23:33

I’m 2 years in since finding out about H’s affair and I still can’t make the decision whether to stay or not, and I’m at peace with that now. I’m not interested in finding another man etc so at the moment it is easier financially, and for the kids for us to stay together. But I have detached from him. I make sure I see my friends, have hobbies that don’t include him. I’m making sure that I’m bettering myself and not relying on him for my happiness. We get on well but I’ll never forgive or forget what he’s done. You don’t need to rush to make a decision but also don’t let people sway you. Your family are not the ones having to live with the mental torment you face everyday but it’s also not as simple as LTB sometimes xx

CalleighDoodle · 15/11/2019 07:00

It is time to love on. It really is. He has no respect for you at all. Getting angry, walking out, removing his wedding ring, pushing you, sleeping sigh other people, lying... Why are you choosing that for you and your child?!

KRRA · 15/11/2019 07:35

I totally agree. Why do you think your family gave that reaction? To claim his actions on a mid life crisis sounds to me like they've heard his side of things and not yours. Do you have friends you could go to for help? Even someone close you can talk to. If you are able to maybe try and get away for a few days to let you clear your head a bit. It may sound daft but have you considered writing him a letter to explain how you feel and the impact his actions have had on you? A letter won't allow him to interrupt or to become physical and will prevent you from saying something you wished you hadn't. Once you decide the way forward for you, whether ending the relationship or try and make it work then you can put it in writing. I guarantee he'll read it at least twice and will mull it over. For anyone who has been cheated on you have my utmost sympathy, I'm fortunate that hasn't happened to me but I do know I would be out that door after the 1st time. If a man didn't treat me the same way my dad treats my mum then I wouldn't want to be part of it. Everybody deals with situations in their own way however if you read over this thread there are very few that recommend trying again or sticking with for financial reasons. Personally I'd rather live a full and happy life either on my own or with someone who respects me. I don't know what age your child is bit at some stage he/she is bound to pick up on the negative atmosphere and lack of affection between you and your husband. I hope things become clearer for you soon x

Sassanacs · 15/11/2019 08:17

Couple of things I've picked up on that you've said...

You want your life to go back to normal - that would mean blissful ignorance and not the actual solid relationship you thought you had. He destroyed that and disrespected you by sleeping with at least two other women. Your new normal is with him gone and you getting your confidence back. You don't need him.

You want him to show some gratitude for you staying around - sorry but why are you are acting the martyr? You're not staying for his benefit but your own. Understandable because he has totally crushed you but that's on him. Don't spend your life in that vicious cycle as it will only lead to daily digs and building resentment and you will stop yourself from living the life you could have if you just find the strength and self esteem to tell him to leave.

I've read lots of posts from ppl who have experienced similar situations and there seems to be a common theme in that the men have a detachment and can compartmentalise their feelings/behaviour. He seems to be doing exactly that - he's saying what he knows you want to hear, but you are detecting the insincerity of it. It's just words because if he genuinely felt remorse you would see it more in his actions.

Let's face it he has lied to you successfully for some time - this is his MO and he isn't the upstanding family man you thought he was. So instead he is able to carry on as normal.

Don't sit around waiting for him to see the light, he won't. You are still there and that's all he needs... confirmation that you will stick around no matter what. He likely sees it as his licence to do whatever he wants so it's just a matter of time before another bit of fluff comes along.

Honestly do yourself a favour, make the break. Show him the consequences of his actions and then maybe he will think twice. But if he doesn't, it's not your time/life that he is wasting.

You deserve better

CiliatedEpithilium · 15/11/2019 08:25

Feel the fear and get away from him anyway. You will thank yourself profusely in the future.

user1479305498 · 15/11/2019 12:20

Please ignore what anyone else tells you to do, especially family. They aren’t having to live with it. What would they say if he had committed a horrid crime, ah, he was having a mid life crisis etc. They can support him by all means but they don’t have to live with him, have an intimate relationship with him etc

Stargazer456 · 18/11/2019 19:19

Thank you all of you am so grateful to you for taking the time to read and reply xx

OP posts:
Stargazer456 · 05/01/2020 20:56

So I am now on my own, he left me again 😢

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 05/01/2020 21:10

Oh no OP I’m so so sorry. Sending you a very big hug. I know it seem impossible now but please do believe that in the long run you will be happier without him. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been put through. (And if your family STILL say you should stay with him they are deranged and should not be listened to.) You deserve a million times better then this! Flowers

MrsPerfect12 · 05/01/2020 21:10

I'm so sorry. Please find your inner badass and don't let him back again. Are you still having counselling?

MrsAgassi · 05/01/2020 21:18

I’m sorry OP as I’m sure you feel devastated at the moment but I honestly think he’s done you a favour.

He treated you horribly and was lucky you gave him a second chance. I bet you will be happier in the long run without him.

MsPepperPotts · 05/01/2020 21:20

He will keep doing this to you...leaving then coming back...why?.... because he can. Because you will let him.
He does not love you @Stargazer456. People who love someone do not inflict emotional pain on someone they love.
He did not have a midlife crisis...he cheated, lied and slept with other women. He slept with them long before he left no matter how much he tries to get you to believe his own lies.
He will be able to justify his reasons for doing it because that's what cheaters do.
It's time for you to get angry OP and take control of your life and do not allow him to talk you around to letting him back in-between his various encounters with other women.
You need to stop doing the pick me dance with him.
He is no longer the man you married he has made that clear to you since the very first time he did this.
Do not put yourself through anymore heartache.
It's going to be really difficult to 'rip the plaster off' and end your marriage but you have no choice unless you want to continue suffering and making yourself ill.
You need to find support from your family and tell them they need to support you not him. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2020 21:25

Tell your family to go fuck themselves.. and he never had a break down.. breakdown my ARSE..

The breakdown was him having found someone, told you a lie he knew you would find plausible, then when things did not work out for him and the ow he came back running. He is only sorry because you found out about his lies and not because he is remorseful

THIS .. is what happened OP... he's a lying prick.. Flowers

KRRA · 05/01/2020 22:08

Probably the best thing that could of happened. Now you don't need to make the decision on whether to leave or not. It must be a very painful time for you but, like ripping of a plaster, the worst is done. I hope you find the strength to start living your new life. Flowers