DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

@Noname99, I’m not the OP. I was explaining that it’s not always a case of one person abdicating their responsibility to work. Nor is it always the case that the harder you work the more you earn.
I gave up work because I was thinking of our long term financial security. I knew that in DH’s industry, to make partner he’d need to be ever available and able to put the hours in. If I had continued to work he would have needed to take on 50% of the childcare and household stuff. How would that be possible with the long hours and the working away? How could I have single handedly worked and done all drop offs and pick ups when he was often away? Now he’s very senior, we’re in a good place financially and he no longer needs to travel. The kids are a bit older and I’m back at work 4 days.

The difference between me and the OP is that my DH was not financially abusive. We discuss what we’d do when we started TTC then again at length when I was pregnant with our first and then once more when I was on mat leave so we were both sure we were both happy with me taking a few years off. DH has never, ever made me feel that the money was anything other than our money.

Betty, your situation sounds awful. Did you agree to SAH and then he reneged? What led to you ending up trapped? One of the things we did was put some savings just in my name whilst I was at home. Safety net as such. That’s back in joint names now.

You're right he likely expected and wanted an equal and sees others doing it and is resentful he's not going someone sharing the load.

I would view paying for 50% of a house, providing 24/7 childcare for my child and paying for all the groceries as sharing the load.

OP, he sounds like a twat and he has some unrealistic ideas about how working parents share the load - the parents he knows at work will be paying a lot on childcare, rushing back to collect their children on time (or paying a huge amount for a nanny) and managing everything else (appointments, activities, etc.) between them.

My lovely DH works full-time, I'm part-time so I do all the school pick-ups, drs. appts., etc. but he STILL rings every evening on his way home to see if I need anything from the supermarket! I seldom do, but he'd gladly stop off if he needed to.

We accept the wage disparity because it makes life easier for us ATM. I'd like to go full-time but it's quality of life that's more important.

I don't get how this happens...I'm back at work part time now but DH and I are both paid into individual accounts, pay any separate bills such as phone etc and then rest is combined, pay household bills/food and then the rest is ours as a family. He brings home roughly 50% more than I do but it's still a joint pool.
You share a house and a child, surely you share everything else too

If you are in UK and have a medical issue, surely you would get this treated on the NHS. Secondly, you need to claim the child benefit, because this pays your National Insurance towards your pension and other things, when you are not working, but looking after a child. Thirdly, you need to have a conversation with your partner about finances for when you are not working and when you are working.

But unless he was specifically mentioned in the will, its not 'ours' its 'yours' and yours alone

Wouldn’t most married couples regard an inheritance as “theirs” regardless of who it was left to? More to the point, wouldn’t a divorce court regard it as “theirs”? DH seems to think that the instant you get married everything you own becomes 50/50. Which means the inheritance from my DF is half his, and so is my savings account, and so is the lump sum from my Gran. He thinks that if we split the court would just hand him half of that £15k my Gran left me, so there’s no point in me holding it back and not putting it in the joint account because it’s half his regardless.

A court might do that, but if you are the primary carer of your child you get more than 50% of everything, and he has to pay a considerable sum each month to support your child.
Go and talk to a solicitor - get proper advice.

This is horrific... with the extra posts I'd actually say he is being financially abusive.

Stop spending your savings right now because you very well may need to leave this dickhead who seems to have absolutely no respect for you and his child.

He's not willing to flexi, or push back on the 2-3 day meetings, or job hunt or go PT to help you find a job to slot around his?

That isn’t an option. He either meets the requirements of the job or he has no job. His employer booked a business trip that clashed with our wedding and cancelled his holiday that had been booked for two years - they threatened to sack him if he didn’t go on the trip, so we had to put the wedding back. When I was pregnant he said he couldn’t book business trips around my due date and his boss told him that he’d be sacked if my f* baby ruined this business deal. He had to take two weeks off to look after me and his son because I nearly died giving birth, and his employer went nuts and tried to stop him, insisting that there must be someone else who could care for me or he should hire a nurse (because of course ordinary people can afford that). There is NO flexibility and NO option to decline meetings or overnight trips. Unless he wants to be unemployed.

I think you should claim child benefit, get your birth injury addressed (try a second opinion on the NHS or pay) and look to create a career for yourself. If you have a doctorate, you should be capable of something more than minimum wage. Might also be worth couples counselling, but he sounds verging on abusive, so you may be better seeking counselling on your own. I wouldn't have any more children until you have properly addressed your problems.

And this hasn't made him want to find a different employer?

giving up work to SAH is absolutely fine if it works best for your family, you both agree

That’s the problem. We DO both agree. I discussed it with him again this weekend after recent events - he feels that DS is too young to go into full time childcare and he prefers him to have 1-1 attention at home for at least a couple of years. And he said if my salary won’t significantly exceed the cost of childcare then he feels the benefit of DS having 1-1 care at home exceeds any tiny benefit of having slightly more money.

But next week he’ll complain that I’m lazy and his female colleagues all returned to work after having kids and he’s sick of paying for everything. And he’ll whinge about having to do some minor domestic chore that I haven’t got round to for whatever reason.

So in a nutshell, he resents being with a low earner
Imo yes. I think he didn’t expect me to be a low earner because I was studying for a PhD. Neither of us understood the realities of the current job market, where universities pay a pittance or can’t afford to hire people at all, and other employers regard you as overqualified.

Whose idea was it to use the inheritance for the house deposit OP? ... you've essentially taken something that was ringfenced as being outside the marital assets and turned it into a marital asset
I wasn’t aware of that. I thought that your assets automatically belonged to both of you if you were married. Regardless of whether it was in a bank account or paid off the mortgage.

OP - do the financials with your husband. If you both work part time then you get 2 x tax free allowance plus your min wage earnings would be taxed at a lower rate than his earnings above the tax threshold. It doesn’t sound like he has a good employer and it would be good for your child to see both parents? Plus he would see how hard it is to look after kids and do domestic chores.

OP, you need legal advice ASAP. Your idea of your legal position re finances seems to have all come from your DH. You need to find out what your position actually is.

Knowledge is power.

If you are in UK and have a medical issue, surely you would get this treated on the NHS
Nope. Not if they regard it as non-essential. One of my issues is muscular pain and damaged abdominal muscles, my GP suggested looking online for exercises because the NHS won’t pay for me to see a physiotherapist. Another issue prevents me running - so the GP told me not to run.

And this hasn't made him want to find a different employer?
Golden handcuffs. He’s quite highly paid in an industry that has very few jobs. He’s unlikely to find another job that pays the same. He utterly hates his employer. His contract also requires him to give six months notice and most employers won’t hir someone if they have to wait that long for their new employee to start.

Have you calculated exact costs of nursery and told him what his half will be if you go back to work? Think it may be a little bit more than the weekly grocery bill.
If he really resents paying for everything then perhaps you should go back to work, split the childcare costs and household chores as you need some independence and options.

If you both work part time
How many part time jobs do you know that pay more than about £10 an hour? Are you really suggesting he should give up a £60k job so I can work part time for min wage?! We wouldn’t be able to pay our bills.

You need to sit down and properly talk. I did stay home and part of the deal was a joint bank account but I did all the household stuff except gardening and diy - yes very traditional but it worked for us, dd has asd so childcare wasn't an option.

It only works if you both are on the same page.

What about looking into professional qualifications that will lead to a better salary when you do go back to work? You could study and look after your DS- that would be a better way of spending your remaining inheritance.

Something like an MBA, CPA, PGCE, nursing degree that will open doors for you.

Your DH may squawk about supporting you and DS while you do this, but the payoff will result in you getting a professional job, plus spending the time with your DS that you both want.

I have experience of this as I supported us while DH did a full-time MBA. The career rewards were totally worth it, he's a much higher earner in a field he enjoys.

Talk about long-term goals with your DH and make plans. It sounds as if you've never had much career or financial advice, OP. Now's the time to plan ahead and make some goals to aim for. Your DH might calm down as well when he knows there's a plan in place.

Is this a joke or what?

You're playing with words to justify his incompetence and misogyny.

If you employed a full time housekeeper, chef and a nanny, how much would it cost your husband? More than 30k I bet.

Your inheritance is your contribution. Please repeat that until it sinks into your head.

Let him know that he is being very unfair and wrong in saying it isn’t a contribution. It is money given to you, and you have decided to use it for the benefit of the family.

He should be fucking appreciative that you’ve chosen to use it for mutual benefit. I can’t believe he has gaslit you to this extent and you are somewhat defending it!! Horrific. He is financially abusing you.

You need to think of an exit plan. He won’t be able to progress in his job if you weren’t there taking care of all the childcare and home stuff. He doesn’t appreciate it one bit. What an arsehole.

Your inheritance money is your own. Your DH cant have it both ways ie half your savings but be resentful of sharing his salary. I do think it makes women vulnerable being a sahm. Nursery isnt just about enabling you to work. My son went to nursery 2 days a week from 6 months and one of the best decisions i made - he learnt social skills, building friendships, independence, sharing (as is only child) had a headstart for school and did lots of play i wouldnt do at home (mash potato play!). I had to work as was single parent but he is a sociable confident self assured boy and thats why. What were your work plans when doing your phd - can you seek to pursue that line of work? Many companies offer flexible working too as lots of parents combine working and childcare.

Legal advice op. He's not reasonable or nice.

You can get the child benefit, he would pay the tax. Child benefit was invented so women with feckless or mean abusive partners could feed and clothe their children. Recent changes to the rules are very reactionary and draconian.

Get a second opinion about your surgery, ask for a referral or see a different gp