DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

This all sounds pretty awful and your husbands attitude sounds dire. His job also sounds miserable which I’m sure doesn’t help. If your PHD doesn’t get you the university job you want can you look at different careers or jobs? It’s sounds like you need a plan to get back in decent employment if not now than certainly soon whether you want to stay with this man or not. How viable is this idea of setting up your own business?

TBH, I would be pissed off if I was asked to do a full shop on my way home from work too.

Your domestic roles should be split fairly. You stay at home and cover that side of things, he goes out and earns the money. You share responsibility for your DC during evenings/weekends.

Sounds like he's hitting back with the ££ comment. You were tired and couldn't be bothered. He was tired after work and couldn't be bothered.

He is not even her husband so she is totally exposed and unprotected. You cannot be an unmarried sahm without a private income it’s financial suicide. You need to leave and retrain for something that pays a decent living wage teacher, radiographer something. What were your career plans when you did the phd? Why did you do it?

Why do these threads always descend into Women’s Aid, financial abuse etc?!!

Communication is what needs to happened here. A frank discussion about finances, how much comes in and how much needs to go out.

OP and her husband have not made the decision for her to be a SAHM, it happened by accident. OP sounds like she is damned if she will go back to work, and uses minimum wage as an excuse. Can you imagine her DH might find this all a bit annoying?

Also, it seems that he handles the bills and she was just giving him money without knowing what’s actually coming in/out of the house - just because he earns £60k doesn’t mean he actually can support the household on his own, as that comes down to a money in money out equation and without knowing the figures you can’t know the position.

As for giving OP money from the joint pot, it seems that was never discussed either.

Why can't you work weekends then there would be no childcare costs? You are in a very precarious position as an unmarried SAHM.

Send him an invoice for his half of the childcare

Why is it in your post you said that your wages wouldn’t cover the nursery fees, why wasn’t your child’s father paying half the nursery fees? He works so he should pay half

OP, you should go back to work!

🤔 It sounds like your staying home wasn’t a decision you’d agreed on pre child/birth and now your DP is resentful of it- to him is probably looks as though you’re ‘just at home all the time’ which we know isn’t the case as taking care of a child is hard work!

However, if your DH left tomorrow you would have to go to work, so staying home ‘because you prefer to look after DS’ and saying ‘DH can afford to support us’ when DH doesn’t WANT to support you, is not ok!

You’re making unilateral decisions and forcing his hand!

Find a good local nursery, cost it up, split the amount and tell DH ‘I’ve enrolled DS in a local nursery, this is half of the cost which you will need to pay each month. You will need to do 50% of drop off/collection and evening care!’

If DH realises this is a nightmare you may find he does a 180!

If not then you get a career back, a pension, financial security and you have TOTAL justification for demanding DH do 50% it care!

I don’t think inflicting your SAHP status on a partner who isn’t happy with it is ok, even if it does make more sense

I agree with Whitedust.

Also, you have an opportunity that many don't. You have some capital that allows you to retrain and if you have a PHD then you have shown that you are capable of study and need to focus on what you want to do that will enable you to earn money in future. I'm sorry, there are clearly issues with your partner but you seem to be making excuses.

I am sorry to hear about situation OP. Your treatment sounds familiar. Please can you look at women's aid info on domestic abuse. It includes financial and emotional abuse. I think that there is a quiz that you can take. They can help you.

I don’t think inflicting your SAHP status on a partner who isn’t happy with it is ok, even if it does make more sense

The OP has said it was both of their decision as it doesn't make financial sense and the OP#s husband doesn't want their young child in child care yet. She actually said this, so please, stop pinning it on her that she has decided this on her own and 'forcing his hand'. She is not.

Are you willing to say what general area your PhD is in? I'm wondering what the job prospects would be like if you looked outside academia?

I do have £15k in another account that my Gran left it to me. DH knows about it. I haven’t touched it since it was deposited - I’m keeping it to retrain or start a business when DS goes to nursery, but I’m also thinking about elective surgery to repair birth injuries that the NHS won’t cover.

DH insists I’m being selfish for considering spending any of it on surgery or on myself. He complained that I haven’t transferred it into our joint savings and said he’ll get half of it if I leave him.

OP, your “d”h is absolutely determined to screw you financially.
Spend your inheritance on getting your health sorted no.1
Do not spend any more of your savings on groceries. If he complains, ignore him.
You are absolutely right to stay at home with your DS if you want to.

I would definitely be seeing a solicitor about ring fencing the deposit you put into the house.
You need to get copies of all the paperwork, including all of his money and start getting your ducks in a row. He will have tonnes of savings on £60k pa.
I’m sorry but this is not a healthy marriage, either emotionally or financially.
Your husband is trying to milk his own wife for money.

I'm an unemployed PhD too. I understand. Nothing knocks your confidence like a PhD.

Except... Having a baby knocks your confidence too. And being injured. And nearly dying whilst giving birth. And having a husband who treats you like dirt.

I know why you have to push back on the suggestions here - you feel absolutely trapped. Your body has betrayed you. Your husband has betrayed you. Your PhD probably nearly finished you off - I know mine did.

Think about

1. seeing your GP about your mental health
2. seeing a solicitor and leaving your husband
3. renting somewhere for you and DS closer to potential work opportunities.

You don't have to live this way.

He is not even her husband so she doesn’t have the legal protection of marriage. Frankly you can’t be a sahm. He needs to pay the childcare and you need to find a way to make a decent income.

He is not even her husband so she is totally exposed and unprotected
I’m married. I never said I wasn’t?

Why can't you work weekends then there would be no childcare costs?
DH sometimes works weekends and I’d have nowhere to send my child. Plus it’s the only time we ever see each other or spend time as a family.

Why is it in your post you said that your wages wouldn’t cover the nursery fees, why wasn’t your child’s father paying half the nursery fees?
Because it’s irrelevant who pays. When you compare me SAH vs me working there’s no difference, we aren’t any better off if I work.

I don’t think inflicting your SAHP status on a partner who isn’t happy with it is ok
Whether I’m at home or at work, the financial situation is the same, so what difference does it make? I can either work for £0 and DH will have to handle more childcare and chores, or I can not work and DH doesn’t have to do those things. The situation he’d like, where I work and make a profit, simply isn’t possible because I can’t earn enough to make that happen.

He is not even her husband so she doesn’t have the legal protection of marriage

I never said this and don’t know where people have got that idea?? I’m married.

Send him an invoice for his half of the childcare
And he'll send her an invoice right back for mortgage, bills, car expenses and other living costs.

If you were divorced OP, you would be better off financially.
Your husband keeps talking about women at work who earn a lot more.
He seems to only think of you as a source of income.
You need a cold, hard look at your marriage.
I’m assuming you don’t even have a joint account.

White dust - if he pays the invoice, then she’ll have the money to pay half the bills.

And he'll send her an invoice right back for mortgage

Yeah, but she's paid off half of the house all by herself already.

His work conditions sound pretty hideous especially for only 60k. I would of thought he'd be earning much more with those expectations. It sounds like you need to have a talk about what he actually wants. Does he want you to work and he would need to share childcare and household chores, or does he want you to be a stay at home mum and recognise your contribution without giving you stick. Otherwise it's likely you will end up resenting each other.

It’s not the fact you’re not any better off if you’re working OP, it’s the mindset you have that it would be your wages covering the childcare and not that if your husbands. Your husband seems to think he pays for everything as he works and earns money but forgets the fact that as a father he does this as his wife does the childcare. If you dropped of the earth tomorrow childcare would be his one if his top 3 costs

Are you willing to say what general area your PhD is in?
Psychology of work- designing workflow to fit with human perceptual models. There aren’t many employment opportunities in regional areas, there are some in London but I can’t move because of house/DHs job/parents. I had planned to stay at university and aim to be a professor, but budget cuts mean there are no jobs and the available work is often done by lecturers on hourly paid temp contracts. I’ve applied for commercial jobs but been told I’m too academic and lack commercial experience and too old to start at entry level. Jobs unrelated to my specialism regard me as overqualified. Unless it’s a min wage zero hour job where they’ll hire me because any pair of hands will do and they couldn’t care less who they employ.

For someone so intelligent you are being very naïve
.
You come on here asking advise, you contradict every argument.
You are in a vulnerable position.

You are not able to earn a decent wage, if something goes wrong with your marriage you can not take care of yourself and your baby.

Your marriage does not sound great, this is not a man who loves you, he is not concerned with your welfare - if you want to spend money on surgery that is your choice, he is not supporting you. Your health does not concern him.

There are so many red flags here.
He is a bully and you are refusing to see it.

Is the mortgage on the house in his name?
I.e. It is not your debt.

You need to sit down and talk to him.
You need to stop using your savings to buy groceries.
You being at home is allowing him his career you need to make him see that.

If he doesn't you have to realize he does respect you as an equal partner and you need to decide where you go from here.

I can see your savings, your inheritance from your gran and your 1/2 the house going out the window and you left with nothing.

Wake up & smell the coffee. You need to protect yourself.

if something goes wrong with your marriage you can not take care of yourself and your baby
I figure in the worst case scenario I’ll move in with DM and get half of the marital home plus child maintenance from DH. Then top that up with a min wage job when DS starts school. I’d scrape by for the necessary 18 years.