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Original poster

DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

324 replies

Reticulata · 03/02/2019 08:43

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

OP posts:
Anytime · 03/02/2019 15:37

This is outrageous. If you have a child together it's surely all joint money from the point that decision was made. Paying for food out of your savings and having your/his money at this point is just not ok. Has this come up in discussion previously? If not then I think that in itself is very surprising. Sit him down and confront the situation now. What he says will be very revealing. I go out to work and my husband is a stay at home dad. All of our money is joint, ours together. I certainly wouldn't see that I'm keeping him or that we have separate funds. The reality is that he has been home for 3 years and if I'd taken your husbands approach, any contribution he could have made would have run out long ago! Talk to him.

Handprints2018 · 03/02/2019 15:40

So what's yours (inheritance) should be shared but i bet he doesn't share all his wages does he? So he will still have excess every month to save or spend on himself.

ShesABelter · 03/02/2019 15:40

He sounds like a complete arsehole!

Anytime · 03/02/2019 15:42

Another thought, if you do leave him and quite possibly you should, get the operation to repair the birth injuries ASAP. If he is going to try to take half the money then you may as well spend it on a totally worthwhile reason. Begrudging you doing this is cruel and any man who cared would see this as a priority.

TheWaiting · 03/02/2019 15:43

How did you get in this mess OP? Honestly, I’ve been reading these threads on MN for 15yrs and I’m still always amazed that women get themselves into these situations.

I get that it’s hard to get out of them once you’ve gone along with it for a while but how does it end up like this in the first place? What did you discuss when you married? What did you discuss when you discovered you were pregnant? Because IMO, giving up work to SAH is absolutely fine if it works best for your family, you both agree and crucially you will both have equal access to all funds. Otherwise it’s a recipe for disaster that can lead to financial abuse either intentionally or unintentionally.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2019 15:45

Op I wouldn't plan a day out with this man never mind a future, he's a PRICK Flowers

Ooogetyooo · 03/02/2019 15:52

Above posters are right, no decent man would begrudge you spending some of your savings on corrective surgery. How cruel.
Use the rest to fund a solicitor. He sounds awful.

Gina2012 · 03/02/2019 15:53

Your DH earns in excess of £60k a year and is making/allowing you to pay for groceries out of your savings? That’s horrendous.

This

Fucking hell - I am speechless

Janecon · 03/02/2019 15:58

I don't understand why you can't get a job earning more than minimum wage and haven't done before having your child if you have a PHD. Your husband seems unreasonable with respect to finances but I suspect there is more to this story than meets the eye.

endofthelinefinally · 03/02/2019 16:11

Child care is a really important job. How much would he have to pay a full time nanny if anything happened to you?
Good quality child care is expensive and rightly so.
Why did he agree to have a child if he cares so little about its mother and the cost to the family of caring for that child. Somebody has to do it and that will impact the family income.

TheWaiting · 03/02/2019 16:11

I know someone with a phd who works in a testing lab. She earns 15k a year. Other junior staff on a bit less. They all have phds.

BettyJJ · 03/02/2019 16:34

surely leaving can’t be as bad as staying in such a soul destroying relationship?
What did you agree with your DH before your DD was born?

As much as I'd like to leave, I just can't afford to. London is too expensive. I don't have a driver's license but can drive and obviously can't afford to take a test and drive if I were to move out of London. Please my job is here and I have family but can't move in with them, they're in shared accommodation.

I'm on the council waiting list bidding every week Hoping to get a place. So I will have to wait then move when I get a flat through the council.

It's far from easy trying to find and get somewhere to live as a single parent when you're not qualified any any well paying profession. There once was a time when I considered prostitution to get out of the relationship but I don't want to screw my head up or put my life in danger.

BettyJJ · 03/02/2019 16:35

He's my "partner" not husband. He doesn't like the idea of marriage. Doesn't want me to have half his assets.

sollyfromsurrey · 03/02/2019 16:44

So in a nutshell, he resents being with a low earner. He doesn't value your childcare and domestic work as any sort of contribution. He only values contributions if they are financial but he doesn't consider your inheritance as your financial contribution as it wasn't earned. so he actually only considers 'earned' financial contribution as a valid contribution. He won't accept spending family money on your health, he expects you to pay for all the food/cleaning stuff out of your old savings. Hmmmmm, I am struggling to see why you are with him frankly. He certainly doesn't love you. My DH would give up food to pay to stop me being in pain.

BettyJJ · 03/02/2019 16:45

My DH would give up food to pay to stop me being in pain

Where can us unlucky women find one of these angels?

Travisandthemonkey · 03/02/2019 16:50

You could go back and forth about the details about this situation endlessly
But what do you actually want?
What do you want him to do?
How do you see your future?

You can look at the answers to that and then see if you think anything realistically will change.

Tolleshunt · 03/02/2019 16:54

But DH insists that can’t be counted as my contribution because I haven’t earned it

This is ridiculous.

He is resentful that he has to work, while you don't. His rage is nothing to do with money worries, it's because he is jealous that you are not working. He wants you to be as miserable as he is, even if it's not best for your child.

What an unattractive quality.

Tolleshunt · 03/02/2019 16:56

Oh, and he's financially abusive, and controlling.

Tolleshunt · 03/02/2019 17:00

Christ alive, I've just read the stuff about the operation.

He's an abusive, selfish, slave-driving pig, OP.

If you divorced him you'd likely be in a much better financial position, you could make youcould own decisions about what you spent on, and he'd have to step up and do some actual child care on the days he had your DC.

ohamIreally · 03/02/2019 17:02

Whose idea was it to use the inheritance for the house deposit OP? I'm not saying it's not a sensible use of the money but you've essentially taken something that was ringfenced as being outside the marital assets and turned it into a marital asset and I'd be surprised if he didn't know that.

Noname99 · 03/02/2019 17:05

the waiting
I’m not doubting that everything you said is true - I’m wondering why on earth you would do that in the first place fgs?
He chose to have a child (presumably?!) with you so he gets to make 50% of the sacrifices. He pays 50% of childcare, does 50% of the sick days etc pick ups etc. Why roils you settle for anything less? He has chosen to become a parent - he does 50% of the parenting. You’ve chosen to be a parent but that doesn’t give you the right to hand over all reponsibility for financing the family either. You both have to do both equally.

Noname99 · 03/02/2019 17:09

However the massive drip feed regarding the mortgage/inheritance/other savings etc renders my previous post irrelevant and puts a different light on the situation however I continue to fail to understand why men think that having a child means they can carry on their lives with no childcare responsibilities and women think that having a child abdicates them From all financial responsibility. Neither is a health or logical position.

whatifI · 03/02/2019 17:45

You need to spend your savings on you. Whether that means setting up your business, surgery or retraining.

I'm confident with qualifications upto PhD level you have transferable knowledge that can be used somewhere? Have you thought of maybe doing a pgce in teaching? You can start it now and once qualified will have to work term time only. (some planning and prep from home in holidays)

Childcare whilst retraining and when you eventually start work will be both your responsibility.

AgentJohnson · 03/02/2019 17:48

Being a domestic skivvy hasn’t evened out the imbalance because he’s never seen himself as the breadwinner, or joint partner in domestic and childcare tasks. What was the plan? Sign up to gender stereotypes of being a housewife, with the expectation (despite earlier signs he wouldn’t accept it) that he would be the breadwinner.

For some inexplicable reason you’ve decided to ignore the type of person you’re married to and instead have opted to make decisions based on somebody who doesn’t shares your values.

It’s time to accept him for who he is and to start talking about your expectations. He clearly isn’t the kind of man who is going to be happy to shoulder the financial burden and to pull his weight domestically. Which means you’re going to have to fight your corner.

You’re supposed to be a partnership, start talking about your values and plan accordingly and for God’s sake, stop spending your savings!

Phineyj · 03/02/2019 18:00

I'm sorry, I can't get past the fact that he would attempt to prevent you spending money left to you on surgery to fix injuries from you giving birth to his child. Words fail me. What would your grandmother think?! I do believe job prospects aren't helped by having a PhD. There are ever more people with them, unfortunately.