DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

Do you leave the baby with him at weekends for a good chunk of time? Many men who aren’t used to looking after their own child don’t ‘get’ how much work it is. I’d be finding reasons to go out at weekends for several hours and leaving him to it. The only job with no childcare costs is childminding. But you need to get yourself fit and well first. I’d stop buying the groceries and draw up a budget between you which doesn’t involve living off savings. If he isn’t willing to take about money sensibly and wants you to use your savings just feed him baked potatoes and supermarket basics every single night or leave him. You need to know where his salary is going and if can make any savings (or whether he has surplus he is keeping to himself). You could for eg remortgage for a longer term to give you some breathing space. Look at moneysavingexpert for cutting costs. But you need full access to his bank accounts to see what’s coming in / going out. I am a single parent with a PT wage and a mortgage and I live on half that. It’s hard to believe £60k doesn’t leave enough for groceries. That doesn’t solve his attitude / resentment but at least protects your savings. If he’s around big earners than can affect people’s opinions of what’s normal. If your savings are joint so are his earnings and you are allowed to scrutinise where they are going.

top that up with a min wage job when DS starts school. I’d scrape by for the necessary 18 years.

I absolutely promise you that there are jobs you could do that will pay better than min wage. I have a PhD, I gave up on the dismal academic job market and now work in central government on something totally unrelated. I know lots of PhDs in the same position in all sorts of fields.

Life seems pretty bleak and impossible to you right now, but that is a reflection of how fed up you clearly are with the dismal situation you’re in at the moment. Between going through the PhD/academic job market grinder and a husband like yours, God knows how you’ve got any confidence left at all.

Meanwhile you think your husband is equally fed up with this situation. Consider for a second that maybe he’s not. I know, he complains and he grumbles, he hates his boss, he hates his job, he hates that you’re not earning money... but at the same time he won’t do anything to change the job, or change anything to enable you to get into a decent career. He gets to earn a great salary, never have to worry about childcare, get several big chunks of money from you anyway even though you don’t earn because of your savings and your inheritance, and also get to make you feel you should be in a constant state of grovelling gratitude from all he’s providing. He doesn’t even have to do the shopping!

I have a friend whose partner was like this for years. Oh I hate my job... but no I couldn’t possibly look for something else, I couldn’t possibly leave, couldn’t possibly take any active steps about anything I hate, alas for me I am trapped in this awful situation and will turn down every suggestion anyone makes to get out of or improve it, because this way I get the pay and I get to sulk and stress and whine about it and have my wife constantly flitting around to soothe and reassure me about how hard my life is and how much I do for the family. Oh woe is me it’s so haaaaaard. For years before she wised up and left him.

I agree with Ticklishspider. It's just not true to say that someone with a PHD will only get minimum wage work. You have the money from your grandmother which you could use to retrain into a field you want to work in - that's a great position to be in and will help secure a future for you and your child. I did something similar a few years ago. It cost me about 9k and a lot of time and hard work but I now have a job where I can earn reasonable money if I work hard and it's something I enjoy doing. It hasn't been easy but it will be worth it in the long run to boost your self esteem and give you some financial independence.

Psychology of work sounds as if it should have applications outside academia, but I admit it too far out of my area to know.

It's true you might need to start at entry level. But after 2-3 years, you should be well up from minimum wage. I guess the question is whether those 2-3 initial years at low pay are worth it to you?

You were tired and it was snowing and maybe he was tired and it was snowing too. I think the money thing is annoying but honestly your excuse of you can't focus on a online shop because you have an 11 month old is ridiculous - you can also wait until he asleep at night to do an online shop if looking after 1 baby at a time is too exhausting. Also, I noticed you have time to be online with mums net - not too sure how an online shop is so much more onerous with an 11 month old than being on mum sent with an 11 month old. And yes I have children - two.

@Isleep
Why do these threads always descend into Women’s Aid, financial abuse etc?!!
Because what she is describing can be emotional or financial abuse. Hence the quiz to identify yourself. Its hard to recognise when you are living it. Each incident with her DH taken in isolation could seems normal but its the whole pattern of behaviour. Alot of what she is saying
I have experienced myself. Turns out my ExH has severe MH issues which he nows gets treatment for.

It was always going to be a tall order to get an academic post in such a niche area, if you were unable to move away from your immediate home area.

Careers you could potentially move across to off the top of my head:

Clinical psychologist - any chance of moving to this? I don't know if you would qualify for some kind of conversion course, to save doing the full training?

Psychotherapist - long training, but if you went down the CBT route there would be a chance of picking up part-time work with IAPT services. They don't even require qualification for some roles.

HR or change management (the latter can pay ££££). You would likely need to go in at entry level, or possibly a grade higher, but as you are clearly very bright could work your way up, and even from the off it would be higher paid than minimum wage. Change management would be virtually impossible to get into from scratch, but you could get an entry level job in another area in a large enough organisation to have this functiob, and then apply internally for a junior role. I would be looking at local government/government agencies/civil service for that. You will probably also find they are more open to employing somebody with a PhD at a lower level, also taking a punt on somebody without relevant experience, if they seem bright, capable and keen to learn/work. Given their budget constraints, they could well view you as a great bargain for the money they can pay, and would quickly put you to work in more challenging areas you can use to build a CV from (I know this, as have recruited similar people as you into government agency roles).

Teaching could also be an area you could use some of your knowledge in. It only takes 9 months to do a PGCE. And there are lots of other routes into it now.

There will be loads of other options if you brainstorm.

I'm concerned that you appear to have written yourself off somewhat, when actually you have a lot to offer. You might have to initially accept less money, or a less interesting job, but it would be worth it in the long run.

But get your injuries repaired first. It's what your grandmother would have wanted, I'm sure. You deserve it. Nothing is more important than health.

This just gets worse and worse

He resents paying for things
He makes you use your savings to buy groceries
He doesn’t see your contribution physicall as anything of value
He discounts your buying 50% of the house because you didn’t ‘earn’ the money (JFC!)
He won’t let you get yourself surgery to repair birth injuries
He expects you to do all the shit work
He won’t marry you????

You are with a grade A bastard.

You seem quite passive about your life, OP. The work thing and how he treats you. Is it just because you want to stay with your child so much?

Will you plan for another child with him or is this it?

DEFINITELY get the surgery.

You have 2 choices.
Go back to work and split the cost of childcare between you, he would have to pay for half. OR
Be full time carer for your child and charge him for his share for this arrangement. His other option would be to either quit working half the time so he could look after his child for his share of the time or pay for someone else to look after them for his share of the time, so paying you us no different.

your excuse of you can't focus on a online shop because you have an 11 month old is ridiculous

I honestly believe sometimes people cannot see beyond their own nose.

I have a pain condition, so like the OP, am in chronic pain. I also don't even have an 11 month old I have to care for all day.
But I am sometimes so exhausted I cannot concentrate to shop online. There's a fog that can come with chronic pain and some days you cannot see beyond it, so cannot do things such as online shopping .

It can be a thing that goes hand in hand with chronic, long term pain.

Complete this entire form and post it to them or e-mail. Read section 4 re high earners. Even if he falls over 60k, tick "no i dont want to be paid but i want to protect my pension contributions".
I feel for you. Is there anyone who could care for your child in the evening or w.end so you could get a few hours of work?
My oh was an arse after dd was born, i had alot of arguments with him, we were both very resentful of our new situation.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/742475/CH2_online_10_18.pdf

Clinical psychologist - any chance of moving to this?
I don’t have a psychology degree. I studied EBusiness, my PhD is more like change management and workflow design. I already have a teaching qualification because I taught during my PhD. Nobody in their right mind would want to be a teacher, the excessive workload is unmanageable even if you don’t have DC to look after.

you can't focus on a online shop because you have an 11 month old
When he’s awake I’m constantly supervising him. He’s always on the move. When he’s asleep I’m so exhausted due to night waking every couple of hours that I sleep too. When he’s occasionally quiet and happy to sit in his playpen I clean and do laundry. Finding five minutes for a quick read on Mumsnet isn’t comparable to finding an hour to look in the cupboards and plan meals and make a list and shop online. Truthfully I just couldn’t be bothered to think about it last week. When I have five minutes break I want to switch off not start doing yet another chore.

He won’t marry you????
I am married. I never said I wasn’t.

What about the other options, OP? Change management would be an option, no?

Got to page 7.

You are educated to PHD level, you do not need to work in a crappy min wage job. You may not find flexible work at that level but if you earned anywhere near as much as your DH you could quite easily afford a nanny/childminder. You need financial independence because if your marriage continues how it currently is, it won’t last. I don’t say that lightly, you are an educated woman but you are living like a 1950s housewife. You deserve more than this. You should not be using savings to pay for groceries, he should be covering that but I understand why you are doing it- to prevent him complaining that he pays for everything. That is the reason you need financial independence, so you can pay for the groceries and any other bills without worrying about him being a prick.

Stop making excuses for him. You both created a child, you shouldn’t be doing absolutely everything for said child. Your child has two parents, not one. He needs to pull his weight more and stop being such an arrogant piece of shit.

It doesn’t take an hour to press a few buttons on your phone and order an online shop OP but it’s not the point, he should be able to do a grocery shop once without bitching about it.

Anyway, I do ordinarily teach at FE level so obviously not in my right mind . Also have four DC (currently on mat leave hence being on MN). I love my job, it isn’t all doom and gloom whatsoever and I have financial independence so if my relationship deteriorated I know my DC and I are safe. You couldn’t say the same for your marriage.

Have you posted under other names, OP? There is something familiar about both the situation and the tone of the posts.

A relationship won't work where you both make unilateral decisions and resent each other. If you think there is something to salvage, get yourselves into marriage counselling and see if you can create a joint vision for your lives.

If not (and it doesn't look hopeful), then get yourself untangled from this situation. Don't succumb to the temptation to stay in a bad marriage because it means you can hang on being a SAHM.

Sorry, OP - mixed you up with another poster.

In any case - if he continues with this attitude, if these are his core beliefs then you are not going to be safe in the future when this goes to shit.

Op you need hard discussions with dh. Some men think because you are at home you are doing jack. Id like to see his face if on the weekend if you leave him with the baby, washing, dishes, cleaning, organising groceries and other gen shit that goes with organising the house. Plus having little sleep to boot. It sounds like he just wants to go to work and come home and do shit all. Turn it on his head. Detail every scrap of work you actually do in the house and cost it up. Tell him yeah i can go back to work ft but then you have to pay half childcare, you want a ft cleaner for the house, plus someone to do the washing and ironing. Trust me when he see,s the costs rack up then he be glad for you to stay at home. Its a hard job, i work pt time and going to work is a dream, you can actually pee in peace. Hes getting days off, do you ever get a day off doubt it. Hes not picking up slack cos he thinks ur sat on ur arse at home. At the end of the day you know your limitations and are allowed to be human cos some days we just cant be arsed and that is ok. Your not some super human freak who can do every thing, if other women are then bully for them. You are you. If he thinks your being unreasonable then tough. If he can do a better job by all means step up to the plate. So he had to get some groceries for dinner boo hoo for him. Try staying up with the baby all fucking night and then having to function the next day. He needs a reality check. Leave him with the baby, go to mums and some sleep.

If you already have a teaching qualification, why not register with an agency and do supply work? You don't have excessive workloads and you can choose your work days. Surely you'd end up better than working minimum wage?

When he’s awake I’m constantly supervising him. He’s always on the move. When he’s asleep I’m so exhausted due to night waking every couple of hours that I sleep too.

I wonder if you could speak to your HV about the waking every two hours. I only have the experience of my two children, but neither of them were waking so frequently by 11 months. Is your DS having plenty of solids? Could he be hungry?

I'd also consider starting weaning, or at least cutting down on breast feeding. My two both started to lose interest around 10-11 months and I didn't find it too difficult.

Again, just my opinion based on my limited experience.

He needs to talk to you properly, not rage and sulk, clearly he is unhappy. He is taking it out on you.He said he will do the shopping, let him. Get a babysitter, or choose a time dc is asleep and have a proper meeting. Would relate help? Still think you need legal advise, not to seperate now but to know your rights

We never look in cupboards or freezer. We have a notebook in the kitchen, you can do it online by updating favourites. If you use the last of anything or notice it's running low put it on the list, if not don't complain when there isn't any. I do look in the fridge, but have rough idea what needs using up, and what's near the end. That deals with staples and store cupboard. Anything extra you need or fancy is put on as you think of it. Then it's a quick job to order or take list to supermarket. If things are tough we revert to tried and tested meals, you can just keep it on a rolling menu plan if you have about 10 dishes. Go back to thinking about it when brains allow for more interesting things.
Would dc sleep better in his own room?