To think there's no coming back from this...

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

The OP said he was initially fine with the friend staying over and then changed his mind because he couldn't be there.
he changed his mind
I'm all for listening and respecting your OH's feelings but she shouldn't have to jump to his tune at short notice just because he's changed his mind.
And verbally abusing someone because they don't want to change previously agreed plans is never ok. Disappearing off to drink and returning to argue a second night in a row with someone because "they decided your feelings don't count" isn't something that happens in a healthy adult relationship.

There's a difference between changing your mind and reassessing things because the situation has changed.

OP it's promising that now he's had a chance to cool down he's respecting your wishes for space and also enquiring about DS - I see time and again when a man leaves the house then doesn't ask after his DC. Also good that that his mum is on your side. Not to condone his behaviour one bit but as a PP said don't feel pressured to separate (especially when your DS's family unit is at stake) just because some people on the internet are advising you without all the facts and background info.

Separating might well be the best outcome but I think you need to talk this through properly. My exH was abusive but I didn't see it for a long time although all the signs were clearly there throughout. You might find out it's the same for you, or you might actually find that there's no pattern of bad behaviour and DP is actually a good person who's had a blip. But definitely stand your ground in clearly stating this behaviour is not to happen again.

You're assertive now and it's very telling that you've never been treated this way before. Someone who is used to abusive behaviour would be far less likely to split up over it and their first reaction is usually to question themselves.

In your case, thanks to a healthy family background, your reaction was to feel like the relationship was over, as you can't put up with this treatment.

However, you are now doubting yourself, wanting to believe him when he's made excuses, wanting to use your birthday as a way of working things out, truly believe you'll be using separate bedrooms, etc etc.

While your family background might be healthy, if you're already doubting your own version of events in favour of him being understood and considered above your own needs, then he's already started "training" you to accept this kind of behaviour and treatment from him.

There are a lot of women on the freedom programme that feel because they've only been pushed over or slapped a few times - that they haven't really been abused.

They don't recognise how damaging years of emotional abuse can be.

I've spoken with my mum and she's going to come away with me and Ds. He says that's fine, he's finishing a bit early so he can come spend some extra time with Ds and I'm going to take myself off to the gym while he's here.
His mum called round too to see if I was ok.

He's stuck to the no communication at least, other than replying to my messages.

No clue what I'll actually do but it feels quite good having my mum know. Going to go out for lunch with her and my grandma tomorrow.

That sounds like such a great plan! At least you'll be able to relax a bit, even if it isn't the birthday you expected.

I would also say that if he is angry that you didn’t respect his wishes about your friend, he can tell you that. Its up to him to say not for you or us to second guess it. He didn’t need to use a ranting metaphor about his dirty underkegs. Which would be difficult for the most sympathetic apologist to interpret.

Signed up so I could post on this one OP. Full disclosure I'm male, make of that what you will.

I think kicking him out was a good call and letting family know on both sides what he has done helps so he can feel the shame. It sounds like his side is offering you support which is actually really valuable, hopefully they can offer him the support he needs too. You said your mum is a strong woman so I'm sure she will have your back and I hope she will support you which ever decision you make in due course.

Sometimes you can end up worrying about judgement or whatever but don't be afraid to let other people in, like other friends. Fights happen sometimes, relationships break down, most people have been through it and will understand and if they are true friends they will just want what's best for you (just like your female friend that stayed over indicated).

Obviously what he did to you and the way he did it was appalling.

However, I'm a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance, obviously only if you want to give it to him.

The way he behaved is terrible and throws up a huge red flag, it could well be the start of a pattern of abusive behaviour or he could have just f*cked up.

Have you considered couples counselling? Maybe only let him return on the provision you both attend. I have had friends go through it and professional subjective advice has been a huge help to them.

If you find him acting in this way again further on down the road you can know he had his chance and you can walk away knowing you made the right decision.

Well done OP.
You've handled all of this so so well.
Have a good time at the weekend and I do hope it all gets sorted.
That he stops being controlling and financially abusive and stops being a dick!!!
Good luck.

I’m amazed at the amount of people telling the op she should have cancelled her friend coming over to sort it out with dp. I strongly suspect that he would have been all fine with nothing to sort if she’d cancelled it. I think the dp was the one spoiling for a fight. He engineered a situation to go to work to force her to cancel, when she didn’t he started a row (funny how he got home eh). If it had been a female friend staying I bet the whole of mn would have been up in arms.

My ex dh started like this. Alienating me from my male friends, then female friends and then family. Wish I’d stood up for myself initially

We had a brief chat before he left after seeing Ds. He looked really quite devastated and gave a bit more of an explanation.

I think for now he needs to know I'm serious and that I'm not just going to let him home once he says sorry. So he'll be staying away at least a few weeks.
I'm hoping with time and if he's willing to open up, then we'll sort things out though.

Well done you.

I don't feel like a well done marvellous. Was really difficult actually watching him go after he'd been here with Ds.

I’m glad you’re taking your Mum instead 😊
Try to enjoy it. Don’t waste the whole time thinking about this.

What was his ‘further explanation’?

Devastated to realise you’ve seen the real him & he might have fucked up his cosy life - maybe. Devastated at how much he scared and upset you...not so likely. It wasn’t a one off moment of loss of temper. It’s been months of him being a dick and a weekend of him being a complete arse and STILL ringing to ask if you’d washed his work clothes...that one little thing tells you so much.

He definitely needs to stay away for now and while he’s away he needs to grow the fuck up for DS’s sake whether you take him back or not.

I think even 9he said he was okay with your friend staying over...he wasn't really and you invited your friend before checking with him, so he probably felt backed into a corner.

That does not excuse his behaviour when your friends were there though.

You know he's not a big fan of your friend and you admitted they wind each other up...so in all honesty your friend staying over was never a good idea.

Your OH probably doesn't want to outright say he doesn't like him...but you know the score.

Anyway...I don't wish to offend you....and was just trying to be objective...rather than these cries of abuse on here.

I'll say it again..you're a strong no nonsense woman and I like you not taking crap... but some reflection on your part wouldn't be a bad idea.

I'll bow out of your thread now... as I've spoken in good faith.
Best of luck to you and I hope it gets resolved.

In my opinion, your partner has poor coping skills in the face of a certain degree of stress.

When the baby came, he constantly stayed out drinking, thereby neglecting and disrespecting you. While drunk, he thoughtlessly brought his intoxicated friends home.

When I read your thread about his staying out after the baby arrived, I had the impression of an immature, entitled man whose boundaries had weakened. He didn’t want to be home. Although you needed his company, he’d bathe the baby and then head to the pub. If you asked him to stay, he’d say there was no reason for you both to stay in. There were plenty of reasons, but unless you offered sex, he chose to escape.

You finally lowered the boom and asserted your boundaries, and he listened, and I believe he had just begun to stay in with you when this crisis occurred.

He became a financial bully, questioning your purchases and even asking if you really needed a coat, despite earlier declaring the joint account “our money,” and encouraging you to buy whatever you needed.

Then, uncomfortable about your male friend staying over, he felt entitled to rage at you, which terrified you and upset the baby.

He followed the rage by lording financial power, saying he could behave as he wished because he paid the mortgage.

He didn’t apologize the next day. “He didn’t know how to make it right and then he started drinking and was knocking them back.”

You asserted your boundaries by enacting consequences, insisting that he leave while you make decisions.

In summary, he has coped with having a new baby by feeling entitled to neglect and disrespect you, to choose drinking and mates, and to exert financial control. His stress reaction escalated when your friend stayed over, and he selfishly presented rage and increased financial bullying. He chose to drink instead of apologizing immediately.

If you decide to try to work this out, attending couples counseling could greatly benefit you. It would provide a safe space to investigate your communication dynamics and coping strategies. Also, his relationship with alcohol should be addressed.

I read your other thread and thought he was controlling. He's now nasty as well as controlling. Don't put up with this shit anymore op

Good post, DogLady.

I think he's devastated that he could well have lost his family Incredibly.
I'm not defending him because it doesn't excuse how he behaved. But we've had a lot on with the house and baby and he's had other things (some unavoidable and that I didn't know, some his choice but I think with good intentions) that have added to his stress.

He doesn't deal to well with stressful situations I know that, although he's got better (or thought he had).
Really struggled with exams and things when he was younger and his driving test took him a fair few attempts but he's always been a very good driver. He'd just go to pieces in the test situation.

it sounds as if, from this thread, and quite a few others, that this relationship has become quite toxic.

I'm not really sure what you want to do long term. It seems perhaps he has expectations of what you should do and be like, but he's entitled to behave any way he wants.

He's displayed some very shitty behaviour towards you. The going out all the time, yes, but worse when you asked him to stay, he tried to have sex, when you said no, just to chat, he put his coat back on and left.

It all sounds very toxic.

Basically my point is, your dp has kicked off so next time you won't have them to stay or won't ask them to come over. This is what he wanted. He's training you through fear of his reaction

This. He is going to close down all your options for support outside your relationship. Next he’s going to try to put a wedge between you and your family and his family. He will start to bad mouth you to his mother.

After that he will persuade you to go back to work part time after your mat leave, because that way you won’t be able to support yourself and DS on a PT wage.

He will say that it doesn’t make financial sense to pay for childcare, or he doesn’t want his baby looked after by strangers. Another line is that he wants to be able to save up for an engagement ring / wedding and you are stopping that by your selfish desire to go back to work full time.

Not certain I have read all your other threads, but from the drip feed I am reading from other posters about it there is a great deal to fix apart from this latest issue. I am never one for suggesting breaking up a family, but you need to think long and hard about this going forward. From my experience yes, people fundamentally change as they get older, mature more. However they remain essentially the same person and over the years resentment builds on the part of the other person. Resentment is the killer of everything.

I've reread your op, it's truly vile and he was marking his territory wasn't he??

This is my house and I'll do as I please - you cannot have visitors and I can come and go as I please..

Basically my point is, your dp has kicked off so next time you won't have them to stay or won't ask them to come over. This is what he wanted. He's training you through fear of his reaction

This with bells on

AND it’s slrrady worked! You said up thread that your friends won’t be coming back to stay again

Bingo! He’s got what he wanted