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Relationships

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Original poster

Socialising separately while in a relationship

168 replies

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 14:44

I'm 5 months into a relationship with a (bit) older man. It's becoming clearer the longer we're together that he is opposed to separate socialising, while I have always done some separate socialising from my partner/bf (I tend to do most with my partner though).

He's already been noticeably offended/uncomfortable about me going to an acquaintance's birthday party (in her home) on my own. (I felt he wouldn't enjoy it but didn't go into much explanation to him at the time, just said I don't really want to go bug I'll 'show my face' and asked to see him the next evening instead).

Now he's gotten angry and upset about me going out on my own for drinks, organised last minute. After a sort of blow up about it, during which I lost my temper and shouted back (he then backed down quickly) he seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and doesn't want to talk about it, while I'm left uncomfortable and frustrated (and feeling like it's going to crop up again).

The phrases 'when I'm in a relationship, I don't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them' I wouldn't socialise without my partner', 'i wouldn't go to a party without my partner' , ' I wouldn't go to something my partner wasn't invited to' etc seem to crop up on repeat.

I don't see a problem with it as long as you're not socialising more without them than with them and not acting inappropriately. I like a varied social life and feel there's a different dynamic with friends/acquaintances when you're with a partner. I also see him only once, at most twice a week as he has family commitments and I want to build s balanced relationship.

What are your experiences/opinions?

OP posts:

CallMeSirShotsFired · 02/02/2019 14:50

The fact you are posting this shows you already know it's not right.

In fact it is a a big ol' red flag.

JeSuisPrest · 02/02/2019 14:52

He sounds very controlling. I've only been with my BF for a few months, but I'd be aghast if he had that attitude. To be fair we rarely go out without each other (a) because we rarely go out - we're old and miserable 😂 and (b) neither of us has loads of friend. On the occasions we have done independent things it's never crossed either of our minds to be controlling about what the other person is doing- just a "message me when you get home so know you got back safely" type thing. We don't check in with each other all night, otherwise the other person may as well be there 🤷‍♀️.

If I was being generous I would say your BF is insecure, if I wasn't being generous, if say he was trying to get you to adapt your behaviour - don't let him start training you, you are not a dog, but it happens very subtly. You start turning down invitations because you don't want an argument/anything for a quiet life and before you know it you've lost friends and independence.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/02/2019 14:53

Red flag time. How dare he blow up about this! He doesn’t own you.

Parthenope · 02/02/2019 14:54

He sounds like a controlling and unpleasant loon. Does he regard you as some kind of trophy girlfriend who can only go out while clamped to his side? Or does he think that your opportunities to shag someone else while out for happy hour with your workmates should be limited by being housebound?

It's five months in, and you should still be at the 'auditioning him to see if you want to stay in the relationship' stage, rather than having to deal with his attempts to control you.

What on earth is it for you?

Designerenvy · 02/02/2019 14:57

Sounds controlling. Watch out.

user1493413286 · 02/02/2019 14:57

It does sound strange; I actually would be a bit upset if my partner went to a party without asking me but that would be my own insecurities of thinking that person was emabarrassed of me or similar.
Other than that I think socialising with your friends without your partner is normal; I probably see my friends 70% just us and 30% us with our partners.

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 14:57

Call me - sadly I think it is. In his 'defence' his attitude seems to have become my h more noticeable since we had a conversation about past relationships in which I was (probably too) honest and said I had cheated in s past relationship.

However it seems to me that he either decides it's a deal breaker and finishes with me or he trusts into he has no reason to trust; hd can't expect to control someone's so I'll life to prevent cheating. You'll never prevent cheating if someone wants to cheat.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 02/02/2019 15:00

It's really odd because you don't live together. You see him a couple of times a week, so of course you do other things the other evenings. Surely if you 'used up your evenings together' by dragging him to your social stuff (then both sat home alone the other nights?) he'd have (more reasonable) cause to complain about that too?

I do know couples who do eveything together and have met at least one perfectly nice man who didn't get the concept that a partner has separate friendships, or that the partner's friends want to have private chats with the partner that don't include them. But that's come about where the man has been in a live-in relationship practically all his adult life and is very sociable, so has always met new people together with his partner and their friends are all mutual.

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:02

Thanks everyone for your responses.

User - yes,.maybe I should have explained more but it was hard to say 'look from what I know if you and them, you'll not be comfortable at this party with these folks and I'll be uncomfortable because you're not etc'.

But also I didn't want to set a precedent of big, involved explanations for when I'd like to socialise on my own (and the automaticexpectation that we attend everything together) - maybe that's unrealistic, I do t know. I suppose i might be a bit miffed and questioninv if he didn't he was going to a mixed (gender) event without me and said nothing about why.

OP posts:

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:03

Sorry about all these typos, phone problems.

OP posts:

jay55 · 02/02/2019 15:05

If you do everything together what will you have to talk about?
Sounds claustrophobic to me.

Calvinsmam · 02/02/2019 15:05

Eww no!

One person cannot be everything to you. It’s so important to socialise outside a relationship.
I have no interest in hanging out with dh when he goes out with his mates and he doesn’t with mine.

Why would I want to hang out at the football when he’s got friends to do that with. I don’t want to see him screaming at the ref and swilling pints but equally I don’t want him to feel he can’t do those things either.
Same he doesn’t want to listen to me and my friends talk about stories from years ago and sing show tunes when we’re smashed on rum.

I would hate to have to socialise with my dh all the time. I mean I love him and I love hanging out with him, but not forever.

Happygolucky009 · 02/02/2019 15:12

Run.....

His anger at you socialising alone is extremely worrying

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:12

Yup, I'd find it claustrophobic too. For various reasons, I have always pursued a varied social life. My last (v long term) bf was a but bemused at first, but quicy accepted)adjusted and just organised his own social things with his mates.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 02/02/2019 15:16

Having your own friends and seeing them without your dp is part of a healthy relationship. He sounds controlling and insecure. You don't live with him so do what you want and you don't have to explain yourself.

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:16

He just keeps saying it's 'not fair on a partner'. I asked him doesn't he ever just go out with friends for a laugh, fun, conversation, to be sociable etc - not on the pull - and he replied drily, 'not really, no'. That seems very ... boring, one dimensional, desperate .. to me.

I do know people however who don't bother with bars etc if they in a relationship. Then only do them if they're single. Likewise they don't really ever socialise separately.

OP posts:

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:18

Banana ; I get the strong impression he thinks I should see friends for coffee, lunch, maybe cinema but not drinks, bars, out 'at night's.

OP posts:

Scandaloso · 02/02/2019 15:18

Cut him loose.

I felt claustrophobic just reading your OP.

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:18

He just keeps saying he would never do it. I've told him I have no problem with him going out without me.

OP posts:

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:22

Scandal - yeah it's kind of stressful, isn't it.

I'm going to have to think about the future of this relationship - it's hard as I've been single with nothing working out for a while after a v long term relationship failed. He seemed like a really good person and open to a serious relationship/future together.

OP posts:

Roussette · 02/02/2019 15:22

What's 'not fair on a partner'? The fact you don't live in each others pockets? Sod that for a game of skittles.

I've been married over 30 years. We holiday together but I go away with my girlfriends every year sometimes more than once.

I go places I think my DH won't enjoy. I go out for drinks with people he doesn't know very well, like old work friends etc. I have to add, he does this too.

I find your boyfriend's attitude very strange and smothering. I'd love to know his explanation as to why it isn't fair.

Original poster

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 15:30

Roussette - I presume from what I know that he's referring to opportunities to flirt, cheat, the possibility of being drawn into that esp with alcohol involved, also people presuming that because you are out socially on your own at night that you're single and ready to mingle (which some people most definitely do) etc etc. I think he means it's simpler & fairer to just avoid that scene when coupled up.

Not saying I agree with any of that.

It's also because he knows I've cheated in a last relationship. He says it's shocked him and worried him.

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 02/02/2019 15:36

He needs to get over it.

Roussette · 02/02/2019 15:37

Kelly if he doesn't trust you, the relationship is not worth having. HE is obviously a jealous type of person and can't imagine that you could go out and shock horror talk to a man without copping off with him.

Something tells me... that even if you didn't tell him about the time you cheated, he would still be like this.

Personally I couldn't put up with this... the way I look at it, I'm a seperate person to my DH, we're not even two halves that make one! We are seperate people that are married to each other, showing respect and love. Within reason you should be able to do what you want and he should be able to trust you.

It will only get worse.

MarieG10 · 02/02/2019 15:40

Jeez...and he is like this after a few months. I,Aline how controlling he will be after. Couple of years. I'm sorry to say but talking to him won't do any good if that is what he is like. I would run and be glad I'd dodged a bullet

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