Socialising separately while in a relationship

[KellyC19]

I'm 5 months into a relationship with a (bit) older man. It's becoming clearer the longer we're together that he is opposed to separate socialising, while I have always done some separate socialising from my partner/bf (I tend to do most with my partner though).

He's already been noticeably offended/uncomfortable about me going to an acquaintance's birthday party (in her home) on my own. (I felt he wouldn't enjoy it but didn't go into much explanation to him at the time, just said I don't really want to go bug I'll 'show my face' and asked to see him the next evening instead).

Now he's gotten angry and upset about me going out on my own for drinks, organised last minute. After a sort of blow up about it, during which I lost my temper and shouted back (he then backed down quickly) he seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and doesn't want to talk about it, while I'm left uncomfortable and frustrated (and feeling like it's going to crop up again).

The phrases 'when I'm in a relationship, I don't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them' I wouldn't socialise without my partner', 'i wouldn't go to a party without my partner' , ' I wouldn't go to something my partner wasn't invited to' etc seem to crop up on repeat.

I don't see a problem with it as long as you're not socialising more without them than with them and not acting inappropriately. I like a varied social life and feel there's a different dynamic with friends/acquaintances when you're with a partner. I also see him only once, at most twice a week as he has family commitments and I want to build s balanced relationship.

What are your experiences/opinions?

Roussette, that sounds ridiculous, people like that tend to be boring b's.

Lottie, he got into a serious relationship at 21, married 4 or 5 years later, widowed at 33 - tragic situation - began getting into relationships 2 or 3 years later (at first they were, according to him, not serious at all, then he got into four relationships of between 3 months and a year, all of which he said he finished, for various reasons. The last relationship ended about a year and a half/ almost two years ago.

His in-laws seem to have the sand attitude to socialising as he does I'd almost exclusively as couples/families.

Kelly you just sound normal and nice. You honestly can't put up with this rubbish.

You want to be able to do what I do... go off with your girlfriends up to London, go for cocktails and to a jazz concert, more cocktails, stay overnight, come home next day all excited and wanting to tell your partner all about it.

Not feel guilt or have him thinking you shouldn't do it. My DH is just pleased I'm having a blast with my friends. As I said before, this will only get worse for you.

I do think the attitude is generational - the idea that bars are 'for picking people up' and couples socialise as couples / families, would be completely normal to my parents' generation (albeit in their 70s, whereas I'm closer to his age than to yours!). Actual age aside, it does follow from marrying young.

So, he just needs to re-educate himself about that and recognise that other people have had different life experiences to him, so conduct their lives differently.

The worry would be / is when he says that his way is the only way and he you must be more like him, rather than him get to know you and your life and his place in that.

Honestly though, it sounds like he nees to end it, as you neither want to live with him, nor sit alone and knit every night that you're not with him and, it would seem, this makes you unsuitable for him.

Ha calvinsmam I’ll let you know next time .. today hes screaming st rugby and I’ve had a lazy day getting ready for my friends 50th. I know he’ll be drunk out with the lads and he knows I’ll be merry out with my friends but OP neither of us has a problem with this.

I don’t agree it’s a generation thing, as I said earlier my parents are late 80s & have separate social lives. Only today my DF has been to London to meet an old university friend for lunch at the British Museum. Both nearer 90 than 80 . My 85 year old DM recently had a night away with the ‘girls’ she first met when they were all young mums.

I think some people, whatever their age, can’t bear the thought of socialising independently, whether through neediness or control. .

OP, you are enjoying leading an independent life, don’t tie yourself down with this man who sounds like he wants to control your life.

Aunt yes, I wonder how many DHs are out watching rugby whilst us wives are more than happy doing our own thing .

Roussette - yes I'm thinking that if it keeps cropping up like this, it's not going to change.

I have explained where I stand he *appears" to accept it, but things like this seem to continue to crop up.

His in-laws seem to have this attitude too (he mostly socialises with them, as does his cousin and wife with whom he's friends.
He seems to think I'm being odd and inappropriate; how is there a way forward through that, there I. Because a. I'm not going along with that, no way and b. Even if I didn't want to socialise separately, I'm incredibly stubborn and thus sort of thing would just push me in the opposite direction from whatever the person wants me to do/ not do.

I thought he was a great guy and was (definitely prematurely) planning a future with him. But this seems like we're just not compatible.

Honestly though, it sounds like he nees to end it, as you neither want to live with him, nor sit alone and knit every night that you're not with him and, it would seem, this makes you unsuitable for him.

I was certainly open to living with him in the longer term, i didn't want to rush into it (partly because that's several young people's home I'd be moving into).
But even if I were living with him, I would always want to - at least occasionally - socialise in my own and do the odd trip on my own. I don't think that's acceptable to him, but he just hasn't made it really clear til now.

Maybe he was hoping I'd drop any separate social outings, friends etc the further into the relationship.

I’m 41 so not far off your bf’s age. I don’t think it’s ‘generational’ as even friends of mine who settled down younger and had kids have always had nights out with friends separately. My mum and stepdad are in their late 60s/early 70s and do their own thing sometimes! It’s unusual (I would also say weird and unhealthy but that’s my view!) not to do this, so don’t be made to feel like you’re the odd one.

I’m 8 months pregnant and my DP got a late offer to a free swanky dinner out the other night - I urged him to go so he can make the most of fun before the baby! We socialise together and apart and I think it’s good to have that balance and independence. I also think it’s nice and healthy to know we trust each other, if we didn’t, we shouldn’t be together.

Being in a good relationship isn’t about avoiding situations where you could be tempted, it’s about being in them and never once thinking ooh I’ll flirt with that guy over there because you love your partner.

He sounds smothering, controlling, insecure and honestly BORING, whereas you sound fun, outgoing and completely normal.

It’s five months, you’ve caught it early, get rid and you’re free to find someone who is happy you have your own life.

I don't think it's a generation thing at all. I'm 60 something and socialise on my own with my friends. As well as with my DH. In all the years I've been married, (30+) I've never missed a holiday with my friends. But DH knew that when he married me. My social life outside of him is very important to me (as is the social life with him!). He's relieved! That means he can go off on golf/sport holidays with his friends.

Kelly the only thing you can do is spell it out to him in no uncertain terms. Tell him you can't move forward with him until he can take this on board. Lay it on thick.

Ragwort your parents sound fantastic! Hoping that will be me and DH!

My opinion is run for the hills. He sounds sulky and controlling. Trying to guilt trip you into either not going or taking him with you.

So would you never be allowed out on girls nights out, etc? Bonkers.

And I'm in my 40s and dh is in his 50s. I can't remember the last time I socialised with dh so its not a generation thing!

I would run for the hills...

I’m now fascinated to hear why he ended his 4 preceding relationships of between 3 months & a year duration. Could it be because the partners wanted a social life apart from him? His social life sounds almost incestuous, so family-orientated. How did you meet?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He sounds very different to you. Why did the other relationships that he ended fail?

Cheapskate - according to him

1. She wanted to commit, move in together (blending their two families in the process), he said he wasn't feeling it, didn't want to and also that he felt she started to use him financially. When he drew back from spending, she complained to an acquaintance, who told him. Also she was a bit dippy, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and she fed her kids crap food (that wasn't cited as major obviously).

1. Going through ex acrimonious divorce, dragging him into it, pushing him to steal back the family dog from ex, suspicious behaviour from ex eg damage to his vehicle but crux wax hearing she had cheated on husband twice - apparently. Said gf didn't fancy waiting around for her to do it to him.

1. Alcohol problems, unstable, apparently jealous and secure (hmm), father an old alcoholic who started tapping him up for money.

1. Too boisterous, loud, rough etc while drinking - heavy horseplay with her brother's friends (ass slapping etc) " nothing wrong with her but just not for him, jig his style. She does s lot of drinking band socialising through her hobby/sport and I now suspect he couldn't accept something like that.

Met him through a sport club that his children attend.

*Insecure - obviously

Poglets, yes we are very different; I can find common ground with and get along with mostly anyone so that's how it was (or seemed to be) working.

I thought that it didn't matter that we are v different as long as we got on and wanted the same things (we both wanted a serious relationship and to get married and possibly have a child in future) but it's becoming clear that is perhaps a v flawed theory.

Ragwort - how very lovely and inspiring.

My DH and I could not be more different. Seriously. But I could not put up with this.

I think, whatever your personalities, your lifestyles are too different. You're young, no responsibilities, used to an active social life. He's a family man, even more so since he's been bringing up his dcs alone. He's close to family, because he's needed their help. His social life has been curtailed because of having to find baby-sitters. He probably doesn't have many friends. His focus has been on his dcs.

While you're out socialising, he's sitting at home with his dcs, wondering what you're up to. If you were a single mum, and your dp was out at a party, how would you feel? I guess your friends are younger than him and you couldn't imagine introducing him and them hitting it off. V understandable, but it does highlight how unsuitable you are for each other.

It would be a huge change for you if you moved in with him. Being a 'stepmother' to teens is a challenge and I'm sure he'd be expecting you to stay home with the family most of the time. You're obviously a v sociable person and he's probably wondering how you'd cope, whether you'd be able to settle down to domesticity with the occasional sedate outing with him.

He may still be 'a great guy' - just the wrong guy for you in the circumstances.

Run as far and as fast as you can - his controlling behaviour will only get worse the longer you stay.