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Original poster

Socialising separately while in a relationship

168 replies

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 14:44

I'm 5 months into a relationship with a (bit) older man. It's becoming clearer the longer we're together that he is opposed to separate socialising, while I have always done some separate socialising from my partner/bf (I tend to do most with my partner though).

He's already been noticeably offended/uncomfortable about me going to an acquaintance's birthday party (in her home) on my own. (I felt he wouldn't enjoy it but didn't go into much explanation to him at the time, just said I don't really want to go bug I'll 'show my face' and asked to see him the next evening instead).

Now he's gotten angry and upset about me going out on my own for drinks, organised last minute. After a sort of blow up about it, during which I lost my temper and shouted back (he then backed down quickly) he seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and doesn't want to talk about it, while I'm left uncomfortable and frustrated (and feeling like it's going to crop up again).

The phrases 'when I'm in a relationship, I don't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them' I wouldn't socialise without my partner', 'i wouldn't go to a party without my partner' , ' I wouldn't go to something my partner wasn't invited to' etc seem to crop up on repeat.

I don't see a problem with it as long as you're not socialising more without them than with them and not acting inappropriately. I like a varied social life and feel there's a different dynamic with friends/acquaintances when you're with a partner. I also see him only once, at most twice a week as he has family commitments and I want to build s balanced relationship.

What are your experiences/opinions?

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 02/02/2019 15:45

Don't cling to him just because you were single for a while. Besides being controlling it's sounding like he's relying on you to provide him a social life!

What's the age gap? How old are you?

lottiegarbanzo · 02/02/2019 15:47

What does he expect you to do on the evenings you're not together?

I kind of think he has to put up or shut up, that is, commit to living together and providing scintillating conversation, cocktails etc for you and when relevant, your friends, or, recognise that you're going to fill your time away from him with enough social activity to keep your life interesting.

If the prospect of living together - and doing all socialising together - is off-putting, to either of you, then there lies the limit of your relationship. He can take that, or leave it.

FWIW I live with DP and we have both maintained separate social lives, to an extent. We both know the people but some are more my or his friends. It made things much easier post-DC, as we could each go for evenings out quite early in dc babyhood, without having to think about babysitters etc, because we could slip back into our pre-existing social groups.

What about work nights out? These often involve alcohol etc but mine have never included partners.

As you say, in the end, he either trusts you, or he doesn't. I think reconciling himself to your 'wandering free' socially, will make cheating far less likely, as what is there to escape from or hide?

Whereas trying to curtail your freedom will cause resentment that has nothing to do with sexual desire initially but which could kill yours for him and lead you to look for other outlets. Far better to say now that his 'us against the world' approach to relationships won't suit you.

Auntpetunia2015 · 02/02/2019 15:52

If you don’t live together then surely you can do what you like of an evening. I’ve been with my oh for 3 years we don’t live together by choice for various reasons but we both socialise with our friends individually and as a couple.

I don’t want to watch the rugby with the lads and he doesn’t want to go watch an ABBA tribute band so we go with friends.

I think this sounds like a huge red flag op and I’d be running for the hills. Don’t let the fact you’ve been single for a while make you put up with a controlling partner.

CATTY15 · 02/02/2019 15:53

I had this with an ex boyfriend, he said ' your friends are my friends now ' and really didn't like me going anywhere without him, he wanted me to ring him every evening when I got home from a late shift .
He gradually started controlling me, isolating me from people, ringing me at work ' just to hear your voice '🤔
I ended up moving in with him, but discovered very quickly it was a huge mistake ( within days!)
It took me a couple of months to find somewhere else to live, he then stalked me on and off for a year.
If I see him anywhere now, he makes my skin crawl, biggest mistake of my life.
I would be very very wary x

Calvinsmam · 02/02/2019 15:55

Auntpetunia2015

I’ll come to an ABBA tribute band with you!
Our partners can go to the rugby.

ChangingStates · 02/02/2019 15:57

Sounds very wrong to me! I've also been a relationship for just over 5 months and we do the vast majority of our socialising separately. Ask him to explain and see if you can talk it out so he doesn't have an issue- but definitely don't stop going out without him.

rvby · 02/02/2019 15:59

RUN

Coronapop · 02/02/2019 16:01

Sounds as though the relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. It is normal and healthy to have some separate interests. Also consider the age gap - if he is grumpy about you socialising without him now it is only going to get worse, picture yourself in 20 years time with a grumpy controlling old man of x years.......

GreenTulips · 02/02/2019 16:02

I have friends in this type of relationship - they have nothing to talk about!!

I have always socialized separately and together -there’s no reason not to

Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 16:07

Something tells me... that even if you didn't tell him about the time you cheated, he would still be like this.

I suspect you're right roussette.

I think he's worse because he now knowsi cheated in a past relationship, but I think the 'principle' was always there for him ie separate socialising is inappropriate, unfair, disrespectful, unwise etc.

I now think he just didn't lay it on heavy before because (as well as the ch

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 02/02/2019 16:08

Controlling and deeply BORING. What a catch. Run!

Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 16:10

Sorry posted too soon.

Was trying to say he didn't lay it on heavy because it was early days and we were both seeing if it became longer term, plus he was probably trying to appear laid back. My sister thinks he tries to appear super easygoing/laid back but is not. He had me fooled at the start, I have to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 16:11

What's the age gap? How old are you?

10 years, 35.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 16:13

Thanks for your input everyone.

I advise people that it takes a year or two to really begin to get to know someone, but I've ignored my own advice and been planning a future.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 16:17

BIG RED FLAG
RUN

Ragwort · 02/02/2019 16:23

Totally unacceptable to treat you like he does; I have been married over 30 years & we’ve always had separate social lives, I wouldn’t dream of tagging along with my DH when he meets up with his old university friends, golf club mates, rugby friends etc etc. And likewise he wouldn’t want to spend time with my friends. Do all couples have exactly the same taste in music, theatre, films etc? Hmm. My parents are late 80s & still have separate social lives.
He sounds totally controlling.

ImNotKitten · 02/02/2019 16:27

I've ignored my own advice and been planning a future.

It’s easy to get swept away when you meet someone you like but you’ve done well to notice his behaviour is wrong. This would be a big red flag at any point, but especially at only 5 months in when he should still be on his best behaviour.

RavenLG · 02/02/2019 16:28

My other half is out all night (and spending the night on a camp bed in a community centre with 80-odd other drunk men but the less said about that the better Grin). And next weekend he's out too, without me. Gives me a chance to pick my toes / paint my nails / fart / do my cross stitching in peace. We go out together too though, but we're allowed to have lives away from each other. This doesn't sound healthy and sounds very controlling.

wishywashy6 · 02/02/2019 16:29

Massive red flag
I've been with my bf 6 months and yes we socialise together, but also separately.
If I'm out without him I usually get a 'have a fab night babe, let me know you get home safe' and that's it until I get super drunk and ring him demanding he picks me up 😬

This screams controlling and/ or insecure and needy to me, would really put me off him

JudgeRindersMinder · 02/02/2019 16:30

The cheating in a previous relationship is a red herring. He’s saying he NEVER goes out independently whilst in a relationship is nothing to do with your previous relationship and is all to do with how he sees relationships. Run for the hills

Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 16:32

What does he expect you to do on the evenings you're not together?

I get the strong impression he thinks I should do things not involving bars, drinks etc ie things he sees as single person activities/scene. When taking about a night out I was on, he referred to the others as single girls/women and when I said three out of four are not single, he seemed taken aback and flummoxed.

In fairness I do a mixture of drinks concerts/gigs, comedy, and cinema. He seems to always expect/worry about me going out for drinks etc I recently went out to cinema with one girl and when I wax speaking to him afterward he said ' I thought you'd be out for a drink after the cinema', I replied that it was Thurs and I had work the next day, he pointed out it was actually Friday (I sometimes do this) and I said 'well it would've made no difference, were both knackered,but wasn't on the cards'. He seems to think my life is so much more driven to partying and exciting than it actually is.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 16:35

I kind of think he has to put up or shut up, that is, commit to living together and providing scintillating conversation, cocktails etc for you and when relevant, your friends, or, recognise that you're going to fill your time away from him with enough social activity to keep your life interesting.

I don't want to live with him yet and it wouldn't be fair on his family (he's s widower with several teenage children).

Even if he did provide a social life for myself and my friends, I'd find that claustrophobic; to me the whole point I'd that you go out, go somewhere different, spend time without your partner.

OP posts:
Roussette · 02/02/2019 16:56

I think he sounds needy and smothering. And before long that'll be controlling if it isn't already.

I know a woman from a niche hobby thing we do, she's been married 30 years plus. Last summer she had everyone round on a saturday lunchtime on a hot day for a glass of wine and a slice of quiche. Lovely idea.

There were about 15 of us. All women.
And her husband. He sat in the middle of everyone and took over the whole thing. Why the actual f**k he was there, god alone knows. Apparently he won't let her do anything without him. It's not normal.

Lizzie48 · 02/02/2019 17:03

Massive red flag, and ridiculous! My DH and I have always been happy to socialise separately, as well as together. I regularly go out for a drink with one of my close friends; our DHs are quite happy not to come.

I would find it extremely suffocating if my DH thought we should only socialise together. It would also limit us to only being able to go out when we pay for a babysitter now we have DDs.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/02/2019 17:03

Was he in a long-term relationship from his 'young and single days' onwards, to recent times? It may well be that in his life and friendship group, everyone did the young, single, in and out of short-term relationships thing, then settled down in their early/mid 20s into family life and parenthood.

So to him, the idea of 30-somethings 'going out' and having fun might well seem odd, as he equates that activity with singledom and going out to meet people. I don't think that attitude is unusual. It is more common among an older generation who had children younger.

Whereas, it's actually more of a 'people who aren't tied down by dcs and family commitments' thing and much more commonplace among people who have children later, both before dcs, with more free time for a social life and after dcs, because it's become a regular habit and part of their normal social lives.

So maybe more a generational / life experience difference?

What matters is how he reacts when you explain what you want though.