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Original poster

Socialising separately while in a relationship

168 replies

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 14:44

I'm 5 months into a relationship with a (bit) older man. It's becoming clearer the longer we're together that he is opposed to separate socialising, while I have always done some separate socialising from my partner/bf (I tend to do most with my partner though).

He's already been noticeably offended/uncomfortable about me going to an acquaintance's birthday party (in her home) on my own. (I felt he wouldn't enjoy it but didn't go into much explanation to him at the time, just said I don't really want to go bug I'll 'show my face' and asked to see him the next evening instead).

Now he's gotten angry and upset about me going out on my own for drinks, organised last minute. After a sort of blow up about it, during which I lost my temper and shouted back (he then backed down quickly) he seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and doesn't want to talk about it, while I'm left uncomfortable and frustrated (and feeling like it's going to crop up again).

The phrases 'when I'm in a relationship, I don't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them' I wouldn't socialise without my partner', 'i wouldn't go to a party without my partner' , ' I wouldn't go to something my partner wasn't invited to' etc seem to crop up on repeat.

I don't see a problem with it as long as you're not socialising more without them than with them and not acting inappropriately. I like a varied social life and feel there's a different dynamic with friends/acquaintances when you're with a partner. I also see him only once, at most twice a week as he has family commitments and I want to build s balanced relationship.

What are your experiences/opinions?

OP posts:
Roussette · 03/02/2019 10:06

Most of his social life is with his in-laws, they go to each others houses and have big family parties. (Most of them don't drink). Of they go out, it's for a meal, the older children babysit (they get paid) and everyone wraps up pretty early. I saw one husband try to stay on to drink more/make more of s night of it and he was getting nowhere (with his wife and everyone else)

God this sounds tediously boring. Is that what you want to slot yourself into? I'd die of boredom. Thank god me and DH have a wide range of friends and acquaintances we see together and seperately, at least it means we have something to talk about

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 03/02/2019 10:12

I mainly socialise with dh because it's easier for me. I think the difference here is that he's suggesting it shouldn't be an option to do things alone. That would drive me potty.

Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 10:14

Well I could stick it if I got to do my own thing and socialise with other people sometimes. (They are all v nice people and the atmosphere at the family parties is nice. I drink lightly so it's nice to not be the odd one out, wanting to leave when people get blootered and you have to scream over loud music, for example).

He has been ok with me socialising separately until I asked to change the night we see each other for the birthday party (though as I said he seems v uncomfortable about 'drinks out' compared to other activities). This blow up was the first about a night we wouldn't be seeing each other.

Anyway yes, they're nice people but they do have little to talk about. It's all kids and local news and gossip. It does feel insular.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 10:16

He's told me twice already that his sil days lidyl nappies are just as good as Pampers.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 10:17

*says

OP posts:
WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 03/02/2019 10:21

It's your life, you shouldn't be saying 'Well, I could stick it'

It's no way to live and you know it.

Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 10:26

'Stick it' was a shit way of phrasing it - I would be happy with it as long as I also socialise with other people sometimes.

That's not to say I don't have big reservations about this working. I now suspect he's just been tolerating my separate socialising, seeing if the relationship becomes longer term and trying to appear easygoing ... But he'd not actually ok with it and is now trying to get what he wants/losing his tolerance. He wants s different kind of relationship from me.

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 03/02/2019 10:31

Just end it. He might pretend to change but he won’t, imagine what your life might look like in a few years time, perhaps a baby and a controlling partner. Just run.

NameChangeNugget · 03/02/2019 10:39

He sounds like a piece of work.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Imperfectsusan · 03/02/2019 10:40

Red flag.

LinoleumBlownapart · 03/02/2019 10:47

I think over time we've both stopped really enjoying big nights out with friends but occasionally we will go just for fun, or because a friend really wants to. This can be separately or together. But we do feel more comfortable socialising together. But this took years, I think it's a big red flag that he wants you to suddenly change and be all about him without letting that come gradually or naturally.

poglets · 03/02/2019 10:53

'He's told me twice already that his sil days lidyl nappies are just as good as Pampers'

🤮

Run OP. Run.

What a dreary conversation to have had TWICE in only 5 months of being together. Do you want to be one of those bores at his family gatherings or your own person? You've put 35 years work in to being you. Who does this man think he is to want you to change for him when you hardly know him?

poglets · 03/02/2019 10:55

Oh and add a baby to this equation and you are TRAPPED. Find a partner who likes you as you are.

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2019 11:08

I'd think hard and move on OP. It's perfectly normal and natural to want to see friends separately and be able to do things during the week and at the weekend without them.

The reality is he doesn't have many friends or social life and I think you would get really bored if you were living together and following his rules. It's just dull and boring. And just a bit sad that he spends most of his time with the in-laws! Because he doesn't have any friends?

Ultimately you should never stay in a relationship if you can't be the person you want to be. Him questioning you or sulking about you going out won't work - you will start giving up your friends to keep him from moaning and that's not healthy.

I had a relationship like that. At first he enjoyed the fact I had lots of friends and was very sociable then he started moaning - about time to see friends and my kids. Then I said goodbye.

Roussette · 03/02/2019 11:13

Find a partner who likes you as you are

^^ This with knobs on.

user1479305498 · 03/02/2019 11:18

In the last 18 months I have actually made some good friends and had a bit of a social life. (And I’m in my 50’s) before that in the 23 years I’ve known my husband I really didn’t have anyone to socialise with apart from him and I cannot tell you in my opinion how tedious it gets, especially when they have no local friends or couples to socialise with. Do not go along with this, and I must questionif he only sees you 1 night a week why he thinks he has any say at all

poglets · 03/02/2019 11:27

Just want to add from the other side of the coin. My father died 3 years ago. My parents were married 40 years or so. It has left her utterly isolated. She has no friends, no network and finds it difficult to make new friends now. Having a life beyond your marriage is as important for the individual as much as the couple.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/02/2019 11:51

"Gwenhwyfar What's wrong with being home alone on a weekend in your 20s? "

Well, most 20 somethings prefer to be out on a Saturday night and having someone to 'go out with' is one of the reasons for having a boyfriend!
Different if he's busy doing something else, but if he wants to go out but not take me? Not impressed.

There's a song isn't there about someone who wants to go out with his mates and not his girlfriend. I always thought that was about someone who wasn't quite grown up yet.

Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 12:01

Because he doesn't have any friends?

No, he doesn't (one cousin who doesn't socialise separately/from his wife often/at all).

I feel like he could've made more effort to make friends, but he's not interested.

He probably does all this socialising with in-laws partly due to that; but also (to be fair) because they have tried to be kind and inclusive towards him, and his partner, by inviting him to everything rather than having a "we want to see our grandchildren but we're not really interested in you" attitude. I think he wants to show he appreciates that by accepting their invitations. (They also help him a lot so he probably doesn't want to appear to take their help while rejecting their social invites).

He did say once that " the kids are my friends" which I thought was dysfunctional, but didn't express.
Friendship can certainly be part of your relationship with your child when they get older, but it seems to me that they can't (and shouldn't) be your friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 12:21

He did do a sport with a social side to it before I started seeing him but gave it up.

He's been asked to do things related to it and has told me that he didn't want to for various reasons including that his ex (loud, lairy, horseplay ex) will be there and it's not fair (yes that word again) on me because of that. I said I didn't mind at all - it seemed like if they do were do crazy about each other and it was going to work between them, that they'd have gotten back together in the last couple of years. He didn't have much answer to that, and I have no idea if he's done anything for the club since then.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 12:22
  • gave it up before we got involved
OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 12:27

If I should add that when I saw hints of this in the early part of the relationship, I (evidently) foolishly out it down to what he said about about one ex being g very insecure, jealous etc and thought he needed deprogrammed from that dynamic, which would happen when I didn't act the same way.
Stupid girl eh.

OP posts:
Roussette · 03/02/2019 12:31

Gwenhwyfar we're poles apart on this! My DDs are in their 20's. They both have long term boyfriends. This weekend for instance, one of the BFs is back in his hometown seeing some old friends whilst DD is catching up with her friends, most of whom are hooked up with a partner but that doesn't exclude her joining them.

Ditto other DD. Her BF a few weeks ago went back to his Uni town to see some of his friends who DD doesn't actually know that well. She didn't particularly want to go. She loved having nothing much on over the weekend so she could catch up on sleep, go shopping, chill out after a v busy week at work.

I find it odd when a woman has to rely on a boyfriend for entertainment every weekend and I'm glad my DC can cope on their own because who knows what's round the corner as far as relationships.

Roussette · 03/02/2019 12:34

Friendship can certainly be part of your relationship with your child when they get older, but it seems to me that they can't (and shouldn't) be your friend

Totally agree

Gwenhwyfar · 03/02/2019 13:23

"I find it odd when a woman has to rely on a boyfriend for entertainment every weekend and I'm glad my DC can cope on their own because who knows what's round the corner as far as relationships."

It's pretty normal that your social lives become entwined though and you always have to start over to a certain extent at the end of a relationship.
I did have friends at that time, but don't remember where they were. I've also never been into friendships segregated by sex so would never want a 'girls night out' because my boyfriend is having a boys one.