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Original poster

Socialising separately while in a relationship

168 replies

KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 14:44

I'm 5 months into a relationship with a (bit) older man. It's becoming clearer the longer we're together that he is opposed to separate socialising, while I have always done some separate socialising from my partner/bf (I tend to do most with my partner though).

He's already been noticeably offended/uncomfortable about me going to an acquaintance's birthday party (in her home) on my own. (I felt he wouldn't enjoy it but didn't go into much explanation to him at the time, just said I don't really want to go bug I'll 'show my face' and asked to see him the next evening instead).

Now he's gotten angry and upset about me going out on my own for drinks, organised last minute. After a sort of blow up about it, during which I lost my temper and shouted back (he then backed down quickly) he seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and doesn't want to talk about it, while I'm left uncomfortable and frustrated (and feeling like it's going to crop up again).

The phrases 'when I'm in a relationship, I don't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them' I wouldn't socialise without my partner', 'i wouldn't go to a party without my partner' , ' I wouldn't go to something my partner wasn't invited to' etc seem to crop up on repeat.

I don't see a problem with it as long as you're not socialising more without them than with them and not acting inappropriately. I like a varied social life and feel there's a different dynamic with friends/acquaintances when you're with a partner. I also see him only once, at most twice a week as he has family commitments and I want to build s balanced relationship.

What are your experiences/opinions?

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 02/02/2019 20:18

Huge red flags.

He sounds horribly controlling.

Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 20:55

Thymeout - definitely a lot of valid points.
He only really has one friend, his cousin, who does not socialise separately from his wife. However I feel like he could've built up social contacts through a sport he used to do, a course he did, a work placement etc but didn't; he has sat night 'off' (his children stay with his in-laws) and he could've chosen to split spending it with friends occasionally as well as his exes, but it sounds like he always spent it with a partner. That reflects his priorities.

I should say also that I've probably sounded like my social life is more active than it actually is - there are plenty of weeks o have nothing on socially. Im lucky if it's once a month at times, and the birthday party was the first time in the 5 months that I asked to spend sat night (his 'date night's) separately. (And i organised an event for us on Sunday evening in its place).

The birthday party and ad hoc drinks happened to be within a week or so (maybe with cinema at some point, I can't remember) and that seems to be partly why he had a blow up. I was completely on the back foot and it's a bit of a blur but I think he said this showed I "was moving away from the relationship, didn't care about the relationship "etc.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 02/02/2019 20:59

He's weird. And controlling.

I can think of nothing worse than having to always socialise with my partner. We have mutual friends. I would rather socialise with him and them as he is a laugh and of course I like him being around.

But some of his friends bore me and mine his. Etc.

You aren't one person.

Run for the hills.

Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 21:06

Also the thinking he wouldn't gel at party was not about age - the group was actually late 30s to 50s (it was my acquaintance's 40th) .. but because that group and he are like chalk and cheese, I mean polar opposites. I thought there'd be a lot of drinking and 'slabbering' as we say locallh going on, and hex told me on the past that he absolutely hates being stuck with drunk people and always drives so he can gtfo whenever he wants. It would have been a long (4 hour return trip, or hotel that night) in order re to leave quite early. One if t by etc group is an androgenous, metrosexual, tattooed pierced little dude who drinks a lot (at least he used to, he actually didn't at
party apparently due to Crohn's diagnosis) I could just picture bf's expression, he'd think he was a freak.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 21:08
  • one if the group
OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 21:12

Sorry my responses are becoming essay-like.

On one hand I think a lot of people rarely of ever socialise separately from their partners and perhaps I'm being harsh/selfish (eh many female friends I've had have disappeared when they entered serious relationships), on on the other hand I feel he is insecure and controlling and seriously wonder about the truth of the breakdown of those four relationships.

(In fact I know he ended if with the last one because she was too 'lairy', flirty, sociable etc. Not a lady in his eyes.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/02/2019 21:13

Urghhh he sounds suffocating. I’m a very social person. My dh says I collect friends. It would drive me insane if my dh wanted to accompany me when I saw friends. Wouldn’t matter if it was drinks or bingo. IMO you need friends and need to spend time with them away from partners/husbands, I think it’s heathy to have a varied social life and friends and family. As well as spending time with partners.

My first husband was like this to start with. Then the longer it went in the more he’d ramp up the dissatisfaction, questions, complaints, then the ‘if your drinking you might cheat’ etc. Up until I’d stop accepting invites from friends, then work as it was easier to say no than put up with all the questions from him. Then the jealousy started, turned into a full on emotional abuser who separated me from all my friends.

Big red flag from me op

Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 21:29

the ‘if your drinking you might cheat’ etc.

He does seem unnerved by night time social situations with alcohol, they seem to set him off. Especially if he was unaware I was 'out'.

His attitude would suggest that every bar is an orgy waiting to happen lol (for him too, apparently it's not fair on his partner for him to go out without het either, must be all the ladies lined up to beg him for sex) .. who finds bars etc like that?! I find you can easily go home without having spoken to anyone big in your group. And if you do, they're often not single, gay etc.

The joke (!) Is that in the relationship in which I cheated, it was not any sort of out drinking situation, it was a housemate in a shared house.

I appreciate everyone's responses. Confirmed my frustration/feeling that it's v unlikely to be solved.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 02/02/2019 21:31

What will happen if he doesn't like your friends?

I can tell you. He won't want to see them. He will bitch and moan if you want to. So you won't.

Byebye anyone he doesn't approve of.
Anyone with tattoos or different to him....Hmm

Gwenhwyfar · 02/02/2019 21:43

For me it would make a difference whether it was during the week or at the weekend. I remember being annoyed when an old boyfriend went out for a men's night out - I don't do segregated socialising myself so don't get it. One of the friends' girlfriends, who I also knew 'just happened to be in town' the same night so she ended up with them, while I was left home alone on a weekend in my 20s.

Roussette · 02/02/2019 21:56

Gwenhwyfar What's wrong with being home alone on a weekend in your 20s?

Of course if my DH was out every Saturday night with his mates, or I was... that's unfair. But if he wants to go off of a weekend or I do, we do it!

Neither of us take advantage of each other, it's not frequent but if it happens, that;s fine!

rumred · 02/02/2019 21:57

I'd be worried about the lady comment too. Too restrictive, narrow minded and downright sexist. Yuck

Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 22:04

Any nights out/social occasions I generally have are during the week.

The birthday party had been the one time to date I've arranged to socialise separately from him on a Saturday night. (We see each other sat afternoon/evening til Sunday afternoon/evening. I did go to an event one Sunday early evening, but we were parting company at that point anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 02/02/2019 22:08

Rumred - I don't know his family well (only one sister he doesn't get on with) but certainly his in-laws (who are more like his family really) seem to be very conservative, quite religious, extremely traditional etc.

I didn't twig this about him initialky ax he doesn't attend church/practice religion etc.

OP posts:
Christian77 · 02/02/2019 23:11

He’s insecure, probably having been cheated on previously. On the other hand, couples should discuss things and keep each other in the loop. You know, it’s Sarah’s birthday on Tuesday, she’s invited a few of the girls over for a girlie night, are you OK with me going? That little conversation can make a world of difference. Actively planning social occasions without your partner is a big no no and is a sign of an underlying problem.

GreenTulips · 03/02/2019 00:11

Actively planning social occasions without your partner is a big no no

Absolute tosh!! So it’s Ok to be invited but can’t organize a girls night or work do without partners involvement?

We’re are talking about adults here!

Scandaloso · 03/02/2019 00:14

'it’s Sarah’s birthday on Tuesday, she’s invited a few of the girls over for a girlie night, are you OK with me going?'

The 'are you ok with me going' seems really weird to me. Why do you need to ask permission? Unless you've got five kids under five surely you shouldn't need to check with your partner whether they're 'ok' with you meeting up with a group of friends?

MsPavlichenko · 03/02/2019 00:55

Havers. Of course if you have shared responsibilities (DC) then check. Otherwise no.

If there is something of consequence, like a wedding then flag it up in advance as a save the date.

Red flags.

SandyY2K · 03/02/2019 00:57

Honestly... he comes with too much baggage.

I socialise with and without my DH, as does he.

A couple are not conjoined twins

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 03/02/2019 01:25

'One if t by etc group is an androgenous, metrosexual, tattooed pierced little dude who drinks a lot (at least he used to, he actually didn't at
party apparently due to Crohn's diagnosis) I could just picture bf's expression, he'd think he was a freak. '

This would be a massive red flag for me
But then most of my friends are freaks Grin

MrWolfknowsthetime · 03/02/2019 01:39

I think you are over-analysing this. It really doesn’t matter where it comes from.

Some people really mind their partner having a social life apart from them, there are plenty of threads on here on that theme. And lots of posters agree with them. But there are also lots of people who co-exist happily in relationships where both parties maintain their own interests and friendships.

What matters is that you and your partner are in the same camp. Whichever that camp is. You aren’t, it won’t work. Run in the direction of the hills - it will get worse.

Jolee32332 · 03/02/2019 02:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 07:43

I've tried to discuss the blow up with him, which was difficult (he seemed very uncomfortable and evasive) and the only two things I can get out of him, as such were;

He feels v insecure because he has fallen for me, it's the first time he'd fallen in like be since getting into relationships again.
This is very flattering but I have my doubts.

And secondly, because he's unnerved by what I told him about cheating in a past relationship. He couldn't imagine the women in his in laws family ever behaving like that. he thinks I'm a cheater and may (will even) cheat again.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 07:44
  • first time he's fallen in love
OP posts:
Original poster
KellyC19 · 03/02/2019 07:48

As i said before that means he should say 'deal breaker for me' and finish, but he won't. It will be left to me.

I'm not having someone tell me I can't go out because they feel insecure and feel I can't be trusted, that just seems deeply unhealthy to me and would never work.

He hasn't said that of course, he's just said 'it's hard' and 'he'll try'.

OP posts: