Socialising separately while in a relationship

[KellyC19]

I'm 5 months into a relationship with a (bit) older man. It's becoming clearer the longer we're together that he is opposed to separate socialising, while I have always done some separate socialising from my partner/bf (I tend to do most with my partner though).

He's already been noticeably offended/uncomfortable about me going to an acquaintance's birthday party (in her home) on my own. (I felt he wouldn't enjoy it but didn't go into much explanation to him at the time, just said I don't really want to go bug I'll 'show my face' and asked to see him the next evening instead).

Now he's gotten angry and upset about me going out on my own for drinks, organised last minute. After a sort of blow up about it, during which I lost my temper and shouted back (he then backed down quickly) he seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and doesn't want to talk about it, while I'm left uncomfortable and frustrated (and feeling like it's going to crop up again).

The phrases 'when I'm in a relationship, I don't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them' I wouldn't socialise without my partner', 'i wouldn't go to a party without my partner' , ' I wouldn't go to something my partner wasn't invited to' etc seem to crop up on repeat.

I don't see a problem with it as long as you're not socialising more without them than with them and not acting inappropriately. I like a varied social life and feel there's a different dynamic with friends/acquaintances when you're with a partner. I also see him only once, at most twice a week as he has family commitments and I want to build s balanced relationship.

What are your experiences/opinions?

I find very few women I know socialise separate from their partners, and I have a feeling that the girls I'm going out with at the moment may well drop off if and when they get into steady relationships (the two main ones are single), as has happened with almost all the women I've socialised with before, (it's like a night out once a year at best) so it feels like the only one taking a stand and considering throwing away a relationship over this.

Then you need better friends, as well as to end this relationship, OP -- there's something depressingly 1950s about the idea that friends of your own sex are only there for you to go out with so you can meet a man, and once you've snagged your man, you no longer need them and 'naturally' drop them . There are other models of friendship available other than the 'out on the town with an eye to meeting a potential boyfriends' one, but it sounds as if both your boyfriend and your female friends subscribe to the 1950s view. (The only person I know who thinks this is my mother, who is in her mid-70s, and even though she's a rather isolated person, even she still goes out with people other than my father, who is autistic and hates socialising.)

Do you really want to trudge through life solo next to a man who's so uninvested in his friendships and interests that he ditches them without thinking twice when in a relationship, who is already trying to impose his own philosophy on you, and who's already repeating himself about the qualities of different brands of nappies???

Well.... my DDs have 'mixed' nights out without a boyfriend. They have male and female friends, gay and straight, whatever... when my DD caught up with her friends when her boyfriend was away, it was with a group of them of both sexes round at someone's house. .To me, that's healthy.

I've been with OH 5 years and I don't think he's ever been out drinking with my friends. I always make a point of saying if he doesn't have anything to do he's more than welcome to come, but he always says no they're my friends. He does speak to them and see them when they come over to ours but we've never really been out drinking together.
When we first got together we had the same friend circle, I was friends with a few of his friends, that's how we met. So I've been drinking and often go out to places with him and his friends, but it's not the same with my friends. If hate to have to lug him around everywhere with me all the time lol.

I'm sure we all know people who 'disappear' every time they're in a relationship, then miraculously reappear, wanting friendship, when it's over. Some people do that, some people don't.

Your friends may do that OP, or they may drift away gradually, as that group comes to a natural end.

Surely it's the principle that matters, that you might pursue your own interests, friendships and groups of acquaintances (of both sexes!), not the particuar group.

To me, it sounds as though this boyfriend is stuck in his ways and maybe there's still more talking to do. Maybe you can find a way forward that works for you both but that would seem to require him to be more willing to change (his attitude and outlook, rather than actions), than is apparent.

It’s quite telling that he doesn’t seem to have any friends of his own & that his social life revolves around his children and his ILs. I’ve always been wary of people who don’t have any friends, it seems a little odd to me. I sometimes meet people (men & women) who say ‘they can’t make friends’ ..... and you usually find out why.

When I started dating a useful ‘guide’ was to have a look at the friends of the guy. Not that I wanted to spend time with them particularly but were they generally nice sorts of people & did my boyfriend mix happily with others.

some people do that, some people don't.

Wish I could find the people who don't, but that's a somewhat separate issue.

Surely it's the principle that matters, that you might pursue your own interests, friendships and groups of acquaintances (of both sexes!), not the particuar group.

Exactly.
I don't want tension and conflict if I would like to socialise separately, go on a trip with friends/alone even; and unfortunately I don't think I'm going to get that in this relationship.

Ragwort - you've definitely been on point through any posts.

And thank you to all the posters, im glad to have your input and mostly it's confirmed my issue with his behaviour. The most neutral thing I can say is I suppose we have different relationship approaches and are not compatible.

I'm still friends with people I knew at school 36 years ago. My uni friends have been friends for 34 years. My mum friends have been friends for 20 years. Most of these predate my DH and have seen me through various exes.
My life would be much poorer without these people in my life. No way would I have tolerated someone trying to make me give them up.

Yule - I'm not ok with his behaviour but just to make it clear that he doesn't want me to give friends up, he seems to want to decree that I should not see them in night time drinking scenarios and also should not change nights (not see him on his date night, Saturday night) in order to see them.
I find that unreasonable.

"Well.... my DDs have 'mixed' nights out without a boyfriend. They have male and female friends, gay and straight, whatever... when my DD caught up with her friends when her boyfriend was away, it was with a group of them of both sexes round at someone's house. .To me, that's healthy."

Yes, but their boyfriends would probably be allowed to join if they wanted to, wouldn't they? What I find odd is someone saying 'you can't come out with me and my friends' to their boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't think I could accept that.

I find odd is someone saying 'you can't come out with me and my friends' to their boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't think I could accept that

Whereas I couldn't accept a man saying 'I will be coming on that night out that you and your female friends have planned'.

No you won't, mate.

What I find odd is someone saying 'you can't come out with me and my friends' to their boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't think I could accept that.

I don’t think it’s usually like that. It’s normally one partner saying ‘I would like to go out with just my friends’ and the other person saying ‘cool’.

If I had to say ‘you can’t come’ I would think he’s not very good at taking the hint.
If they were always going out without their partner and never invited them along that would be weird but surely most people enjoy spending time away from their partner from time to time.

My DH wouldn't want to come out with me and my friends, he'd be bored stupid!

Yes I'm mainly reading people say they want to happily go out without their partners sometimes.

I have issues if I start dating a guy and it turns out he is busy most Saturday or Sundays drinking or days out with mates.
Mainly cos it woudnt involve me and we would end up not meeting regularly enough.
I wouldn't want to just date a guy on a Sunday as that's his mainly free day..

*Friday's

Some guys are in their thirties and want a gf yet want to socialise with friends as much as possible and drinks lots ..

Apologies I’ve not read through the entire thread so just going off the initial post.

I have been with my partner going on 3 years and we socialise quite often separately. However we don’t live together yet, but pretty close to each other.

We do socialise together, but we both have established friendship circles prior to our relationship. I don’t think anything of attending my friends birthday party, house party,wedding etc alone and him vice versa.

You mention an age gap in your post, so I’ll add there is a 16 year age gap between myself and DP.

Strawberry tot - I've said elsewhere that his main issues seems to be me socialising separately in situations he considers 'singleton' or pulling-oriented i.e. bars (I don't agree bars are always pulling-oriented) and also me changing the night I see him (he had one full night off, as it were, when his children stay with his in-laws) in order to socialise separately.

But, re. attending birthday parties/weddings etc he genuinely does not seem to get why anyone seeing someone else would attend without them. He seems to think the only reasons could be negative ones eg lack of commitment, wanting to appear to be single to some extent. He seems to think it's offensive and inappropriate not to take you partner.
I went alone because I thought he wouldn't enjoy it, but also because for whatever reasons, I like to do thing alone sometimes. He just doesn't seem to get it, I think there's a (female) poster above who is similar.

*has one full night off