Socialising separately while in a relationship

[KellyC19]

I'm 5 months into a relationship with a (bit) older man. It's becoming clearer the longer we're together that he is opposed to separate socialising, while I have always done some separate socialising from my partner/bf (I tend to do most with my partner though).

He's already been noticeably offended/uncomfortable about me going to an acquaintance's birthday party (in her home) on my own. (I felt he wouldn't enjoy it but didn't go into much explanation to him at the time, just said I don't really want to go bug I'll 'show my face' and asked to see him the next evening instead).

Now he's gotten angry and upset about me going out on my own for drinks, organised last minute. After a sort of blow up about it, during which I lost my temper and shouted back (he then backed down quickly) he seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and doesn't want to talk about it, while I'm left uncomfortable and frustrated (and feeling like it's going to crop up again).

The phrases 'when I'm in a relationship, I don't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them' I wouldn't socialise without my partner', 'i wouldn't go to a party without my partner' , ' I wouldn't go to something my partner wasn't invited to' etc seem to crop up on repeat.

I don't see a problem with it as long as you're not socialising more without them than with them and not acting inappropriately. I like a varied social life and feel there's a different dynamic with friends/acquaintances when you're with a partner. I also see him only once, at most twice a week as he has family commitments and I want to build s balanced relationship.

What are your experiences/opinions?

Myself and other friends who are happily married and don’t socialise with husbands unless it’s a wedding or significant birthday thing. I think you have a right to socialise separately.

If he thinks the only reason you are not cheating is because he has invited himself along and is in the same room what kind of life is that! I would be getting rid.

He may not of said it but it will head that way. So many red flags already.

Well, he either trusts you or he doesn't. Only he can decide that. But viewing you as 'a cheater' cannot work, it can only make him unhappy.

As a poster said though, the cheating history bid acted herring - because he's quite clearly said several times that he doesn't socialise separately in a relationship.

Anyway, it was blood out if a stone. He just didn't really want to talk about it. The only other bit of communication was him conceding that something he said during his blow up "you come to me house and I clean it for you to come, I cook for you at it as well and you don't care" .. was unfair because it's been at his request that we meet at his house instead of mine pretty much all the time.
Thus was because he wanted to be on call for his kids, whose myriad transport and social requirements (!) he doesn't like being heaped on his parents bin law even when they stay with them. Also because he lived at the coast and there are many nicer places to drive, walk, visit (he absolutely loves his area).

I didn't say what I felt like saying " you live with a like of teen-agers, wouldn't you be cleaning your house a couple of times a week anyway?" Or that he doesn't have to cook, am I supposed to say 'let's eat out anytime he says 'i'll just make something'.

What matters is that you and your partner are in the same camp. Whichever that camp is.

We're not in the same camp.

Even if I were living with a partner and had a family with them, I would still want - even very occasionally - to go and do something alone (and I mean on my own if no-one else was available, I've travelled on my own quite a bit). And I'd accept my partner doing the same of course.

Someone you've known for 5 months should have no say in your social life. He sounds very fixed and rigid.

Oh and deffo not a generational thing. I'm in my 60s and wouldn't put up with the scenario of not having a life of my own.

It comes down to frequency and whether you are cancelling plans with him to go elsewhere. I've always gone out alone as does dh, then we do things together. There's times I'm jealous because he's going with a friend where I would like to go and vice versa no doubt but ultimately we are individuals who have separate lives as well as the one we share - and that's healthy for long term relationships (20 years). Wanting to everything together especially so early is either very insecure/clingy or controlling - you need to evaluate whether you can deal with this, I certainly couldn't, too independent

Why did you tell him you cheated previously? I really don't believe in over-sharing information with men. Especially 'new' men, why do they even need to know anyway? It's your business.

As you see, it often fixates so in his mind he's linking that with you going out without him.

You don't live together or see each other much so maybe it will fizzle out naturally, particularly as your expectations are different. You don't come across as being particularly joyful about him being at least partly in your life.

DP lives 20 minutes away. We have a good social life, socialise together 90% of the time. Aside from that we both socialise separately from time to time as not all our friends are mutual friends.

Its not even a conversation.

The more details you give about this man, the worse it gets. What are his good points? You have only been together a few months, you don’t need a bunch of us on the internet to tell you that it’s clearly not right for either of you.

"It comes down to frequency and whether you are cancelling plans with him to go elsewhere. *

It could be twice a week, it could be once a month (or even less) but it's always mid week when we don't meet (or if we do, it's for a few hours in the early evening). I haven't cancelled any plans with him, the only thing I've done is ,- once to date - asked in advance to see him.on Sunday evening instead of the usual sat evening in order to go to the acquaintance's birthday party (which I thought he wouldn't enjoy, but I wanted to do something on my own anyway).

Why did you tell him you cheated previously?

Because I occasionally have verbal diarrhea.

Because up til now we've had a very open, warts and all, straight style of communication/relationship - and he'd always been very understanding, supportive and accepting of any stupid, embarrassing stuff I'd done in the past, ax I had his less than stellar moments.

Because I'm stupid.

Take your pick.

What's worrying Kelly is that I think he is going to use the 'cheating' thing as a big stick to beat you with. Forever. He is never going to get over that. Which means he won't trust you, he will resent you going out with your girlfriends and won't change.

A long long time ago, I overshared with a boyfriend about a short period in my life when I had a series of ONSs. it was fun. He was such a twat, he never let me forget it. It had happened years before, we were consenting adults, so bloody what... but from that oversharing he decided I was going to be shagging anything with a pulse whenever I wasn't with him.

The only time I've asked my DH if it's OK if I go out or whatever, is when the DCs were little and needed hands on care, or logistically we needed to line up our diaries together. Why do we have to ask our husbands' permission to go out?!

• as I had with his less than stellar moments

I think if you cheat it’s because the relationship isn’t working. So the relationship is doomed anyway. Nothing will change the outcome.

He’s a fool. I’d walk away.

What are his good points?

I suppose my answer to Mistress covered one of them - until recently I felt like he was incredibly supportive, kind, totally in my corner.
He's a very devoted dad and I thought he'd be s good dad if we have a child/ren.

He's reliable and committed and wants a future together. That's not been easy to find.

9 months of internet dating and, out if a the cheaters and sex-seekers, I met a functioning alcoholic who was super off-puttingly keen, a very possibly gay but in closet guy whom I didn't fancy irl, and a guy who didn't fancy me and couldn't end the date fast enough.
I also met a guy who was in the same year at school as me, via Facebook, who turned out to have an in off gf he was always going to finish with, but didn't manage to and then cut me off after a drunken fumble one night anyway.

Slim pickings eh.

Not a reason to stay in a dysfunctional relationship I know, but I understand why people think 'nothings perfect' and settle.

I find very few women I know socialise separate from their partners, and I have a feeling that the girls I'm going out with at the moment may well drop off if and when they get into steady relationships (the two main ones are single), as has happened with almost all the women I've socialised with before, (it's like a night out once a year at best) so it feels like the only one taking a stand and considering throwing away a relationship over this.
In the other hand his behaviour is making me stressed and I feel there's a major incompatibility.

Like the others I think this is a bad sign.

I’ve been with DH 17 years and we both socialise separately. In face when we were going through some really difficult times (infertility not with each other), we both stopped socialising for a bit. Then started to encourage each other to spend time with friends.

You mention wanting children (does someone who has several teenagers want to go through baby stage again). If you think he’s controlling now, then he will be much, much worse once you have a baby.
“I can’t imagine why a mother be so selfish as to leave her baby to go drinking with friends!” You won’t be able to socialise separately, and you won’t be able to socialise together (have you seen the cost of babysitters?!), unless you go for afternoon tea with your in-laws.

I feel stifled just thinking about it.

You don’t need his permission to break up.

It sounds like a red flag to me. My ex was jealous and controlling and I spend half my life trying to convince him that I wasn't cheating. I changed my behaviour completely so as not to arouse suspicion but even then he would still accuse me. I would not be with a jealous man ever again. You either trust each other or you've no business being in a relationship together.

(does someone who has several teenagers want to go through baby stage again).

He had said he would be happy to. My mum said she thinks he's telling me what I want to hear on that front.

I have that concern about going out/getting any time away or on my own if we had a family too. It's a very good 'controller/guilter', you're right.

Most of his social life is with his in-laws, they go to each others houses and have big family parties. (Most of them don't drink). Of they go out, it's for a meal, the older children babysit (they get paid) and everyone wraps up pretty early. I saw one husband try to stay on to drink more/make more of s night of it and he was getting nowhere (with his wife and everyone else).

When I say the older children babysit, I mean the girls; who are 18 and 15.

yes,.maybe I should have explained more but it was hard to say 'look from what I know if you and them, you'll not be comfortable at this party with these folks and I'll be uncomfortable because you're not etc'.

You shouldn't have to explain anything. If he can't accept that you are an independent woman who has her own life but chooses to have him in it, then you are not compatible.

I don't need a man. I have him there because he adds to my life - not controls it. So should you.

If you give in to him you risk the loss of friends. Should you and him not work out, there is the potential for you to be left with nothing.

Whatever you did in the past (cheating is usually too simpler term for something extremely complicated; you had your peronal reasons) is neither here nor there.

I don’t think it’s bad or stupid that you told him about the cheating. You were just being honest. The fact that he’s seized on this is on him and about him and his insecurities. You obviously aren’t proud of it and it’s not a pattern. Don’t beat yourself up about that. The kind of person you need is someone broad minded and robust/confident enough to hear that story and go ‘oh well, in the past, wrong telationship’. Not assume it’s a precedent and try to control your behaviour accordingly.

I have completely been there with the awfulness of OLD. Then I met my ex who was great on paper. Wanted relationship, thoughtful, kind, at the moving in and having kids stage. But he was also quite rigid/tight (was constantly being told off for eg leaving the fridge open when I was still getting things out, running water while doing the dishes or brushing teeth, using too much washing up liquid etc) and wanted to change me (he was really into running so he pressured me to do loads when I had a ropey knee and really didn’t enjoy it, ended up crying about it a couple of times as it made me feel so shit and I knew it wasn’t me. (NB I was doing 4/5 exercise classes a week so no need for me to do it!) He didn’t have a lot of friends, those he did were really dull and honestly, he was just really fundamentally quite boring!

In the end I met current DP at work who is far more laid back, fun, has friends, accepts me roughly as I am, and we’re now living together and I’m pregnant. And I’m so happy I didn’t settle for someone who wasn’t right for me and wanted to me to be someone I wasn’t.

I wouldn’t settle for this guy.

But he was also quite rigid/tight (was constantly being told off for eg leaving the fridge open when I was still getting things out, running water while doing the dishes or brushing teeth, using too much washing up liquid etc) and wanted to change me

That sounds minor but is actually a form of abuse I think, he sounds like he had OCD or some behavioural problems (no psychologist here). The running thing is shit too.

Yes, you're right - as are so many posters

I've read everyone's responses twice and will refer to them again, I don't think this is going to work out.

(Incidentally he appeared broad minded at first but he's increasingly not - he seems to acsribe to the 'leopards never change .." school of thought, it'd coming out about me but also other people b& situations more and more now that I think about it).