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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being a psycho bitch?????

347 replies

psychobitch · 03/07/2007 07:40

Partner started job in new department yesterday and had told me that he had his own office, fair enough.

He called me yesterday from his 'new desk' saying that he has the office all to himself this week. Confused I said that I thought that he had the office to himself all the time anyway? He said no he shares with someone.

Turns out this someone is a woman, which I know I shouldn't have an issue with.

But why has he not mentioned it in the 2 months leading upto him starting the job?

Had a bit of a row about it yesterday, then when we went to bed last night I just had it going round and round my mind and got more and more paniky and worried about it. So when DS woke for a feed at 1:30am, I asked DP why he hadn't told me before.

Asked if he fancied her? If there was something I should know? He just got angry with me.

He said at one point that he wouldn't do anything to risk his home and family (pointed out that he never mentioned me in that, but he said I am part of his family).

Never actually said no he doesn't fancy her or gave a reason why he never mentioned her before. He wouldn't even tell me her name!!!!!!!!

He then came downstairs and slept on the sofa, said he is so close to walking out cause he is sick of me and me accusing him of things.

We are clearly now not talking, he was gone when I got up. I just feel like sitting and crying.

Am I being paranoid? Or a psycho bitch?

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 12:23

You must not phone him at work if it triggers irrational thoughts in your head. Let his work be work and make sure his homelife is calm and fantastic.

GIve yourself a bit of credit, PB.

Original poster
psychobitch · 03/07/2007 12:54

I didn't just call for no reason. It was to let him know mindee 2 (who he isn't keen on cause she whinges and cries A LOT (possibly more than me)) is going to be here till later than usual tonight. So thought he might want to make himself scarce!

I then of course opened my mouth and said 'assuming you were planning to come home anyway' to which he made no comment.

So told him that his dinner would be in the microwave when or if he decides to come in. but with myself! AGAIN!

What if he doesn't come home? I am so scared! But then I felt sick with nerves even calling him so when he comes home it will be even worse!

Just kill me!

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 12:55

Have long have you been together?

Original poster
psychobitch · 03/07/2007 13:24

5 years this Friday!

Long distance relationship for 3 1/2 years then moved down here 18 months ago.

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 13:24

How were you when it was long distance? the same as now or worse/better?

Original poster
psychobitch · 03/07/2007 13:26

We had moments of both I suppose.

Was ok when I knew I was going to see him soon (every two/three weeks usually), but then used to go psycho once I had gone back home again.

Think he thought I would be better once we lived together, guess he is really regretting buying a house with me now.

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 13:33

You love this guy to death clearly. the best way to show it is to put faith in your relationship. You are frightened that given an inch, your dp will find something better so you're trying to censor and monitor his every move.

You cant live like this PB as well you know. So what are you going to do? Drive your relationship into the ground or take a deep breath and decide that you are going to toughen up and you're going to value the relationship you have instead of acting as if it's the most fragile and easily broken thing in the world. When you are a jealous person it is the hardest thing in the world to let go off. Believe me, I know. But you have to relax and realise that you have plenty to offer. When he comes home, apologise - dont fuss him. Even if you're thinking those negative thoughts - let go of them - dont supress them but let go of them privately - nothing he can do can change you. its down to you. Let him take the lead tonight and play it his way but dont dwell on the work situ (which isnt actually a situ at all)

You have five years behind you and a beautiful family, of which you are no doubt the glue that holds it together.

Bless you, PB, you're neurotic, but seem like a really sound person

mylittlestar · 03/07/2007 13:43

Can you text him and just say how much you love him? Maybe even apologise and say looking forward to a nice evening later once mindee2 has gone home...

Just break the ice without having to say it face to face or worry about rejection.

Then how about trying to plan something special to celebrate being together for 5 years on friday? If you can't face going out then plan something at home.

I can see how hard this is for you. But you really do need to start taking small steps to address these issues. You really don't want to end up in the situation where your jealousy and paranoia ends up splitting you both up. Please try to take some steps now to start making things better...

We'll support you all the way!

binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 14:00

I wouldnt text. I'd leave well alone til he gets home. If you text and he doesnt respond you'll start winding yourself up again, am I right?

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 14:08

Don't text.

If you do this you will push him away and into the arms of someone else.

If someone is going to have an affair, they will anyway. It will just happen sooner if you behave like that.

Probably the only reason he didn't tell you is because he knew you'd react like this and so he was trying to protect you/ protect himself from the x questioning he knew would follow.

Can you try to not say another word at all but cook him a nice meal, dress up, sexy underwear etc, make him see what he's got with you and talk to him about how insecure you feel another time? He may need reminding how good he's got it really and it sounds as though you do too.

Hope you sort it, I really do - not trying to sound harsh but I do understand and have had to pull myself out of that spiral recently x

mumblechum · 03/07/2007 14:25

I agree with Wisteria and others

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 14:31

It's hard though isn't it? I used to get so as I knew I was being awful but couldn't help saying it. Just didn't seem to be able to control myself. I think it's being at home all day - you lose your perspective a bit

(((((((((()))))))))))

mylittlestar · 03/07/2007 14:45

Sadly I just don't think the op is in a position to dress up, sexy underwear, remind them both what they're missing etc... she says she will not even let him see her partially naked and wants to hide her face because she feels so ugly.

I really think the problems are much deeper than just rekindling the spark.

I hope you can find the ability to talk to dh about how you really feel. And I mean really talk. I also think you sound so low that you should speak to the doctor next week about giving the counselling another try.

In the meantime though, I do think you need to take tiny steps to try to tell dh how much you love him. Otherwise by the time you get help and start to feel better, it may be too late

handlemecarefully · 03/07/2007 14:52

I suspect there is something about your dp which is feeding your low self esteem. His behaviour towards you hasn't been entirely pleasant

Original poster
psychobitch · 03/07/2007 14:53

Sexy underwear is a def no no! No underwear could possibly look sexy on me. Fear he would just realise what a fat dog I really am and run a mile anyway!

I too hear the things I am saying and hate myself for it, but can't seem to stop.

It is extremely likely that he will ignore me tonight, probably go to bed early and read his book.

What if I genuinely don't believe I have anything to offer? If I cannot even think of one tiny little reason that he is with me? What do I build on then?

OP posts:
Wisteria · 03/07/2007 14:55

I put the underwear on, then get into bed - it's less daunting that way.

Wasn't trying to be flippant btw - I do know how hard it is and yes it does seem that professional help may be required, but it doesn't alter the fact that this possessive behaviour is dangerous if you want to keep your man which she plainly does.

binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 14:57

The baby you made and the family that you are. Think of yourselves as a unit. He isnt doing you a favour being with you. If he wants to read his book, let him read his book. If he does ignore you, dont react, give him space, that will suprise him as he's probably expecting earache.

In the morning send him off with a kiss, shut the door behind him and start thinking about how you can start loving yourself up a bit.

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 14:58

I have found a lot of walking and trying to keep busy helps (you lose a bit of the weight and it raises your self esteem).

mylittlestar · 03/07/2007 14:58

Wisteria totally agree. I wish I had some practical advice and suggestions to help. It's clear she loves her dh so much and it struggling so hard with her current feelings

PB sorry not meaning to ignore you - could you start by trying to think of the things you do have to offer. You are his wife. You have given him a beautiful son. No other woman is his wife or the mother of his child. That's a hell of a lot to build on

Original poster
psychobitch · 03/07/2007 15:01

Have been feeling like this since way before I met DP, so can't pin this one on him I am afraid! Would be nice to think that I could find a reason for these feelings though.

This is probably really hard to understand for some people, but I really hate myself so much that sometimes when I put makeup on, I start crying cause I am so ugly, that I end up having to start again. Or forget it completely cause what is the point.

I absolutely refuse to have photo's taken, and get angry and upset if someone does manage a shot when I am not expecting it! I am ashamed to say that there are no photo's of me and DS at all . Although I do have photo's of me DD (nearly 9) so I guess I must have felt a little better about myself then.

Even over the past few months, when it has been quite warm, I have a thin fleece type jacket on with jeans and t-shirt (in and out of the house), cause I don't want anyone to see how gross I am. If it really does get too hot and I have to take fleece off, I tie it round my waist to try to cover myself up.

Sitting on the sofa with shorts and tshirt (what I wear for bed) I sit with a cushion on my knee to hide my legs.

If I see someone who is large on tv I wonder if I am as big as them or bigger!

Think there is any chance of me getting sectioned!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Wisteria · 03/07/2007 15:02

Can you cook him his absolute favourite meal and suggest doing something together - something you feel comfy with?

Incidentally I was watching Glastonbury and saw Mika doing 'Big girls, you are beautiful' - my other half turned round and said that they were both dead sexy! Apparently he said that half the time men are not half as judgemental as we are and I think he has a point. If being overweight is making you unhappy and leading to you doubting yourself then you can do something about it.

binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 15:04

You sound a lovely person PB, truthfully. You say this isnt weight related but it does seem to be that way. I'm trying (and failing) to lose weight at the mo - I would recommend hypnosis. Really boosted my weight loss and also implanted positive self-esteem thoughts in my head at the same time (Sounds freaky but it worked) could you try this? Dont tell dp, just let him witness the butterfly emerge?

Wisteria · 03/07/2007 15:05

No PB - can't call you by your name, it's nasty and you sound lovely.

You would be surprised how many people feel this way, I count myself in this. I do the cover up thing too!

Please get some help, you sound in a very low place and you might need more help than MN can give you, there are ways of making yourself feel and look better, but it involves hard work, willpower and exercise.

binkleandflip · 03/07/2007 15:05

butterfly = you (Realise I was getting a bit psychobabbly then and pretentious then!!)

Original poster
psychobitch · 03/07/2007 15:06

He has a son from a previous relationship so I don't have that exclusively (not that that bothers me, but he is always saying how fat his ex is and how she let herself go when she had his DS, so weight is obviously something that bothers him).

Also we are not married. Been engaged for two years and but can't afford a wedding. I am happy to go and do it on the cheap (me, him and the kids would be fine by me cause the idea of all those people looking at me makes me feel ill) but he claims he wants to do it properly. Which makes me think that really he is just putting it off.

OP posts: