Am I being a psycho bitch?????

[psychobitch]

Partner started job in new department yesterday and had told me that he had his own office, fair enough.

He called me yesterday from his 'new desk' saying that he has the office all to himself this week. Confused I said that I thought that he had the office to himself all the time anyway? He said no he shares with someone.

Turns out this someone is a woman, which I know I shouldn't have an issue with.

But why has he not mentioned it in the 2 months leading upto him starting the job?

Had a bit of a row about it yesterday, then when we went to bed last night I just had it going round and round my mind and got more and more paniky and worried about it. So when DS woke for a feed at 1:30am, I asked DP why he hadn't told me before.

Asked if he fancied her? If there was something I should know? He just got angry with me.

He said at one point that he wouldn't do anything to risk his home and family (pointed out that he never mentioned me in that, but he said I am part of his family).

Never actually said no he doesn't fancy her or gave a reason why he never mentioned her before. He wouldn't even tell me her name!!!!!!!!

He then came downstairs and slept on the sofa, said he is so close to walking out cause he is sick of me and me accusing him of things.

We are clearly now not talking, he was gone when I got up. I just feel like sitting and crying.

Am I being paranoid? Or a psycho bitch?

I am also at least 2 stone over weight. He may not word it well but at least he knows that he loves you.
If he wont have that conversation then try to have the one about your insecurities, without mentioning the work situation. It is incredeibly frustrating to have the same convo over again and then still not be believed.
You will just have to trust him until he gives youa reason not to. A solid, concrete reason.

Depression is very difficult for partners to deal with I think- I suspect its the thing I would find hardest to deal with. Your dp's names for you don't sound helpful at all, also sounds as if he is floundering with it. You sound like you really need some proper professional help, but you also sound as if you recognise that. Have you looked into the availability of counselling.

Do you work/have plans to work. If you're a SAHM do you get out and about much or is your dp the main person you see. Years ago I was at home writing up a PhD and I used to get so cross with dh when he went out after work, or more when he said that he would be back at a certain time then would come in much later. It was because he was the one person I was seeing; the rest of the time I was writing. Once I was back working I became much less needy about him being there- we sort of understood what was happening at the time, & I wasn't depressed, so different, but leaning on or eve just having social contact with more people can be helpful I think.

Maybe he doesn't phrase it exactly as you would like but you really need to give him a break. If not i am afraid he may run a mile. Things in your relationship sound very fragile for both him and you.
You really must try and seperate how you feel about yourself from how you are treating him. Otherwise you run the risk of him leaving. If he feels you don't believe anything he says he will stop talking to you altogether.
Please get some help, or your fears of him not wanting to bw with you may come true.

Have to say I agree with expat.

I think it will be easier to make up with your DH if you can say "right I realise that i'm in the wrong and that I have to get my emotions under control so I'm going to make a start by doing X,Y,Z"

Go to GP straight away and do something TODAY about trying to lose your weight even if it's just taking your DS for a 30 minute walk.

I've had PND so i'm saying that it's easy it bloody isn't but it won't go away on it's own and the only person that can start to make changes is YOU.

I think 'psycho bitch' is harsh. Jealousy and paranoia are strong overwhelming emotions, and can be very difficult to control. On top of that you are dealing with a lot, your self esteem is at an all time low, you have depression.

I agree you need help and counselling. And I think you already know that.

I'm sure it must be difficult for your partner. But at the same time if he loves you then I would hope that giving you reassurance would be the least he can do. It may be frustrating for him and difficult for him to understand. But as your partner he needs to try to understand.

I would think he probably didn't mention the woman sharing the office as he knew how you would react. But he needs to realise in these situations, by lying (or 'not mentioning things'), it just adds fuel to your paranoia and makes things worse. Hopefully you can sit down and have a really good talk to him? Apologise for being too OTT with the accusations, but also try to help him to understand the best ways to help you.

I really feel for you.

I started at the gym last night. But as I said, I was just as depressed last year when I was 2 1/2 stone lighter. Which is why I put the weight back on again.

I am a childminder so spend most of my time with 3 kids between the ages of 15 - 18 months. I have no real friends here, hardly ever go out (with or without DP), and when he did arrange for MIL to babysit last weekend I couldn't face being seen by other people cause I feel so shitty.

Also felt that DP would be embarrased to be seen with me.

Oddly enough, I found that even tiny baby steps to take back control helped my PND immensely.

Even going for a walk was a big mood enhancer.

Although I understand it seems the LAST thing you want to do when you're depressed, having been there, some of the impetus to improve had to come from you.

It's like smoking, you have to want to quit or it will never happen.

So first step would be to make an appointment to see your consultant to discuss how your medication is working and ask for a referral for counselling.

Have you any idea what he could do to help you feel better about your situation. Maybe when you know the answer to that then you could sit down with him and point him in the right direction. It sounds like he is making an effort to get a babysitter etc.
Could you not join a group or try and see if there are any other cm's in the area to try and meet up with other people ?
Also just because he has called you a psychobitch i don't really think you should have it as a user name as MLS is right it is way too harsh.

Why would your DP be embarrassed to be seen with you? He chose to be your partner and you have a child together, he loves you and has committed himself to you.

I do understand how you feel, I have always had low self-esteem, and have driven people away/acted in a self-destructive o manner in the past. You need to get some help to see past excess weight/appearance etc and start to value yourself as a person.

Next time he makes an effort to arrange time alone with you, go. Even if you don't feel like it. He obviously wants to be with you/spend time with you. Try not to push him away. He is probably wondering what he's done wrong.
Good for you going to the gym, keep it up it will boost your self esteem no end. Most men don't fancy twiggy stick women anyway. DH would love me to be flab free like I was before, but it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy me still. He just looks on the bright side off my boobs being huge now

Try to have a laugh and a joke with him. I am appaled at the fact that DH and I laugh so much less than we used to, laughter can be such a tonic.

hi there - i refuse to call you by your username "psychobitch" even if you are being just a teensy big paranoid and phsyco!
I do feel very sad for you and the situation you have created - having suffered from paranoia myself in the past I know how destructive it can be! I'm guessing your relationship with your DP is fairly volatile at the best of times, and reading between the lines I would say a good lot of that is down to your insecurities. But here's the thing, the only person that can help an insecure person is the person who'se suffering. No matter what third parties say or do it won't fix what is going on in your head. And I could be wrong here but I would guess that your DP has been unfairly blamed for many a thing in the past. And to be truthful that just gets boring. If he did know who he was going to be sharing an office with chances are he has chosen to keep it lowkey to avoid the situation that you're in now! And that's not because he fancies the person, it's because he could predict your reaction and in my opinion, wanted to save you the torment! Please please try and get help for whatever is going on that makes you so insecure - keep going to the gym as all the endorphines flying around after excercise are def proven to help depression, if you can afford it, treat yourself to a new outfit and hairdo, make a point of getting to talk to new people - in real life, not just on mumsnet - maybe go to a yoga class? - I don't know exactly but just something that helps you enjoy being you and allows you to find a little inner contentment. I'd say your DP is telling the truth when he says he wouldnt' do anything to ruin his home or family (and of course your included in that family - your the mother of his child!!!) but constantly questioning him and your situation will eventually ruin your relationship. Don't let it. Have a good chat with him, don't make promises that it will never happen again - but secretly work at making sure it doesn't! Hope it all works out and you're feeling happier soon. x

Yes, you're being paranoid. Sorry.

You're being paranoid, but importantly, you know you're being paranoid. You say you wonder why dp is with you. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you continue because no-one can live with the pressure that you are putting onto your other half.

This is not his problem if he has never given you real cause for concern. It is yours and only you can address it.

You have to get yourself out and spruce yourself up. If you dont believe losing weight will make you feel better then exercise alone should lift your spirits anyway. You have to let the negative thoughts go and focus on the positive.

Clingy, jealous and desperate is not attractive. If he is going to cheat he will do it anyway, whether you cling to him or not. You can strengthen your position just by putting faith in his love for you and believing. You have to practise this, it doesnt come naturally for a long, long time but start now!

And dont make comments to try and make him jealous. Game-playing will get you nowhere and he will see right through it. You're either a jealous person or you're not and if you're secure in yourself it cant be manufactured.

I know all this because I've been through it and believe me, believing your worth and letting the jealousy go is much, much better.

I guess I should of come on here for people's opinion on this before I started arguing with DP!

My Dr is off till next friday and she knows some of my history (the past year anyway) and don't really want to see anyone else.

Have had counselling in the past but obviously hasn't done any good.

I know DP isn't going to want to talk to me now and I don't know how to make things better.

I wish I could stop feeling the way I do. I constantly cover myself up, NEVER let DP see me naked (or even partially naked). We have no sex life (it's not that I push him away as such it's just that I can't bare him looking at me and if he touches me I just have going through my mind that he must be thinking about how repulsive I am). I even hide my face cause I feel so ugly all the time.

When I went to the gym for the first time last night, I had a bit of a break down before I went. I just felt so disgusting I felt as though people would be laughing at me.

I am sick of always being the ugliest person in any room at any one time. How can DP possibly find me attractive. I feel like I want to be on my own and hide myself away from everyone.

Sorry, I know this sounds like self pitying drivel and that isn't what I came on here for.

it is self-pitying drivel to be honest, but at least you know that.

What do you believe will make it right for you? It's is awful that you feel so uncomfortable in your own skin. Have you spoken to your dp about this (without bringing in jealousy etc)

So instead of "How could you be with me" try "I feel like this even though I know you love me"

You are being utterly loopy, but you knew that anyway. It's okay to have loopy moments, we all do it when we are tired and stressed, but you need to be able to laugh at yourself in the morning.

Sharing offices with people happens all the time. I have one on my own now, but for most of my working life I have shared offices with men. I have never once (a) actually slept with ANY of them or (b) wanted to sleep with any of them. DH has frequently shared offices with both male and female colleagues, even (shock) gone out for lunch and drinks with them. And I KNOW for absolute SURE that he has never been disloyal in any way.

If I were you I would buy your other half a big repentant bunch of flowers (yes why not men can enjoy flowers too) say sorry, and NEVER EVER mention the subject again.

I want to be attractive!

No magic wand is gonna make that happen is it!

Been in two serious relationships before. After both splits ex's were with new partners immediately, both times they were people they knew before we split, and both times they were thinner prettier and younger than me.

But you clearly are attractive to your dp. Do you want to be attractive to others as well?

Look, you are being loopy again.

One of my very best friends is not remotely attractive, yet she's had boyfriends queueing around the block. Far more than anyone else I know. It's because she is funny and quirky and intelligent.

Also and more fundamentally she is comfortable in her own skin and has a knack of making other people comfortable in theirs. That's a skill that comes naturally to her but it certainly can be acquired.

And PB, you are thinner, prettier and younger than someone else also...you have to get some perspective because the you are being irrational.

I have been in a relationship with a very clingy, jealous boyfriend. It was tedious and slightly embarrassing and energy-sapping.

I have also been the clingy, jealous one (bizarrely after the first relationship - I should have know better) and that soon got old. We split not because he dumped me, but because I basically insisted we split up before he dumped me! How ridiculous is that? I was so determined not to be prove myself right (that he did fancy everyone else and was just stuck with me) that I made us break up!! We are still friends now, but I bitterly regret not having faith in his feelings for me as we were good together when I wasnt playing up.

Why not turn your computer off and get yourself up and out for a good brisk walk to clear your head instead of sitting dwelling on the past and the fact that you don't feel v attractive at the minute. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and as someone else on here said attractiveness is not just about aesthetics - it's 100 per cent about attitude. I work with a lot of very pretty girls in my job (sadly I'm pretty average but i can say hand on heart that even the prettiest face loses it's impact when it's paired up with a bland personality!! So stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you don't like what you are, change it - and stop making your partner (or ex partners for that matter) carry the blame!!!!
Come on now, I know it's hard but you owe it to yourself, your child and your partner to at least TRY!

so he shares his office with another person who is a women ,he rang you delighted that he got the office all to himself for a week ,before this ,did he never share work space with females ? You do sound just the slightest bit paranoid TBH ,Has he had an affair in the past ? if not i would ring him and say sorry ,blame your hormones and suggest you get a taxi to his office so you can have sex on the desk

Just called him at work and he had to call me back, which he did. Was very short with me and didn't really say much to be honest.

I asked if there was someone there and that was why he was being quiet and he said yes, but then why not wait till the person had gone before calling me back?

So now I am thinking either he is lying and there was noone there and he was making it up so he doesn't have to talk to me. OR, The was someone there and he had been slagging me off to them!!!

I know that this is irrational but this is how my mind works. How do I stop these thoughts from being in my head all the time cause I swear it feels like I am going insane! I never seem to have any quiet from the thoughts!