Am I being a psycho bitch?????

[psychobitch]

Partner started job in new department yesterday and had told me that he had his own office, fair enough.

He called me yesterday from his 'new desk' saying that he has the office all to himself this week. Confused I said that I thought that he had the office to himself all the time anyway? He said no he shares with someone.

Turns out this someone is a woman, which I know I shouldn't have an issue with.

But why has he not mentioned it in the 2 months leading upto him starting the job?

Had a bit of a row about it yesterday, then when we went to bed last night I just had it going round and round my mind and got more and more paniky and worried about it. So when DS woke for a feed at 1:30am, I asked DP why he hadn't told me before.

Asked if he fancied her? If there was something I should know? He just got angry with me.

He said at one point that he wouldn't do anything to risk his home and family (pointed out that he never mentioned me in that, but he said I am part of his family).

Never actually said no he doesn't fancy her or gave a reason why he never mentioned her before. He wouldn't even tell me her name!!!!!!!!

He then came downstairs and slept on the sofa, said he is so close to walking out cause he is sick of me and me accusing him of things.

We are clearly now not talking, he was gone when I got up. I just feel like sitting and crying.

Am I being paranoid? Or a psycho bitch?

By the way, think I would prefer the pain to being in a wheelchair too.

Do really feel for you though cause neither choice is pleasant X

or meets other women for lunch/dinner/quick shag as we know??
You don't know...... chances are he isn't honey.

I'm off for a walk now (and probably a pint) try to do your homework? Do it for me xx

But he is meeting her and keeping it secret from me. Tried dropping some hints earlier but he just acted innocent (which I suppose I am glad about cause otherwise he would know I checked his phone, but really really hurt that he is continuously lying).

I will try to keep my gob shut for the rest of the day, and will be in bed by the time he gets in (and he will probably fall asleep on the sofa anyway)!

Enjoy your walk and your pint - you lucky thing XXX

Aw sweetie - maybe he has a friend like me, who he confides in (i've loads of male friends like that, they tell me all their woes and I generally give them the female perspective). He does sound ok, honest! If he was really hiding something, he would hide his messages/ delete them etc.

It does sound to me, as if he only omits to tell you because he appreciates how insecure you are. It does sound like he loves you to me, very deeply - can you give him a break? I'm here to support you through it xx

We have just had a massive row, about his son (and other things).

He has told me and that me and DD (age 8 I remind you) are slobby bitches and that he wants me out of HIS house.

I hate myself and my life so much and if it wasn't for the kids I really wouldn't be here anymore. I have had enough. Noone loves me or wants me or cares about me so what is the point anymore.

And to top it all off, he will no doubt be slagging me off to HER when he speaks to her as planned tomorrow.

I hate myself and I want out I hate everything.

so what are you going to do about it?

Not got a clue what to do, was very upset last night and don't hate everything about my life.

But he did say some really really hurtful things (as did I) and I am not sure how we can get past it.

Text him a few times after I had gone to bed last night (he was on the sofa) and again this morning when he had left for work (he had gone when I got up), and he ignored me.

He did come in the bedroom (for his work clothes) this morning and saw that I was awake, but never even spoke to me or achknowledged me.

I don't know what to do. Cause I don't want to leave really, but I can't just forget what was said either.

Anyway he may have meant everything he said and he maybe does really want me out, so it may not be my choice.

I have read the whole thread and been thinking about you in the night!

You have got to get a grip! You are driving him away and it will be partly your fault if he moves out and the family split up.

I am sorry to be so blunt but someone has to tell you the truth. You do sound like a bit of a pyscho but it is because you have major issues about yourself and your weight and you are seriously depressed.

Your poor DP has had more than he should have to take.

You have to sort yourself out. You must ring the doctor and ask for an emergency appointment so you can get the treatment you need.

New day, new week, new start. This situation is not good for anyone particularly your child and your DH and you!!

Hey

I went out saturday night and got chatted up

I am 'fatter' than you by a bloody long shot.

I am plain as a flour pudding.

And I had a face like a slapped arse that night because I just wanted to go home.

And I still got chatted up by someone.

You are not being realistic with yourself at all. Go to a clothes shop and look at the women picking up the same size as you. Are they hideous>? Gross? Totally unfanciable?

No. So why would you be?

You need to start rationalising these fears. It's no use us telling you you are wrong to feel unattractive, you have to tell yourself. What you feel is not necessarily the truth.

YOu also need to take the pressure of responsibity off your husband for making you happy. It's not his job to make youhappy, it's your job to be as happy as you can be and his job to try not to make you less happy than that, IYSWIM

He really was horrible to me last night, I didn't start it.

It is cause I don't want his son here for the WHOLE of the summer holidays (does that make me sound like a complete bitch), and I made the mistake of telling him that.

We argued before he went out, and he was going to send his DS home, but he never in the end.

I am usually in bed when he gets in but I wasn't last night and when he first came in we were fine but I guess that it was playing on his mind and he just snapped and had a go at me about it. It completely escalated into a massive row about loads of things.

Money, the kids, me not being tidy enough, him being really anal about being tidy, me childminding and how I should get a proper job, I can't even remember everything as there was so much!

Still not heard from him today, and not expecting to really. But I do know that he will come home tonight cause his DS is here (as is my DD and our DS but it really does seem that his DS is the only one he cares about and that really hurts).

Also if we split it wouldn't be as simple as him moving out, it would have to be me and the kids. There is no way i can afford the mortgage, and as he pays it (and he made clear in no uncertain terms last night) he sees it as HIS house! We would have to move back up north.

The plain truth is that men cannot deal with this level of emotion. They just shut down.

You need to make the changes here. You need to take the heat out of the situation. If you don't take responsibility, this cycle is going to repeat itself throughout your life, with every relationship you have.

Really ... life does not have to be this difficult. It's your choice.

Psycho

Do you want to be with him?

If so, what do you want from him?

For the first time ever he told me last night that he doesn't understand about my depression at all (which I already knew but at least he has now said it).

Surely it wouldn't hurt him to try and find out a little more about it so that he can be more understanding.

As opposed to just shouting at me like last night and telling me that he is sick of me projecting all my problems on him, and blaming all our problems on the fact that I hate myself.

Yes I do want to be with him. I want his support, with my depression, my job, everything!

I want him to understand that I moved myself and my daughter 230 miles away from our friends and family, who would normally support me, to be with him.

To understand that I don't make friends as easily as him as I have no confidence, and that I am lonely, and get really brain numingly bored, of being in the house all the time and having no life other than him (it wears me out just as much as it must him).

but what do you actually want him to do that supports you?

You need to give him something tangible that he can do to make you feel better, because from the pattern of your posts he is trying but is failing again and again - and that must make him feel like not trying.

In what way do you need him to support you?

Not take the piss out of me when I am depressed and call me psychobitch would be a start!

Reassure me or just tell me 'yes I love you now stop', instead of rolling his eyes and saying things in a monotone voice that makes it sound like he doesn't mean it.

Not moan that there are toys around the house when he gets in from work, especially when mindee's are still here!

Be helpful with the kids (our kids not mindee's) and me to not be the 'default parent' for everything when they want something. To help out in the house once in a while, not just in a sargeant major type way on a Saturday, making the kids tidy up their rooms to his standards and having a go at me cause things arn't as he wants them in the rest of the house. I am not as tidy a person as he is, and I have much improved since we moved in together, but he knew what I was like when we met.

There is lots more I am sure

Now have you told him this in as many words?

Please don't think I am giving you the blame for this situation, I am absolutely not, but I can't talk to him because he's not posting here.

You really need to take a deep breath and face that YOU need to change, and then you BOTH need to address the relationship.

1. If you don't welcome his son with open arms, chances are he will choose him over you. My brother divorced his second wife for this reason, refusing point-blank to compromise on his responsibility as a father (and I admire him for that even though it was incredibly painful for him). Your son is part of the package you get with your DP, no matter how much you might hate it.

2. Your levels of paranoia are YOUR problem and you must take responsibility to address them. They aren't reasonable in terms of acting upon them (although they are understandable in terms of underlying self-esteem/depression)

It seems that there are many problems in the relationship other than these two fundamentals, but I suspect that without tackling the big ones like these two DP will simply lose the appetite himself to make any effort on his part to attack the others with you. Men are fairly good at avoiding problems when that is an option (as opposed to addressing them). Currently his attitude is probably verging onto the "I can't win, it is too much effort, when will it all end" and so on. You need to do what you can to show him that you are worth the effort and the relationship is worth fighting for.

You seem to be avoiding going to the doctor. Phone them up, insist on an emergency appointment (or a home visit) and when you get to the doctors CARRY the kids through the door. You need professional help and the longer it takes for you to ask for it the more damage will be done to the relationship.

I really do welcome his son, he practically lives here as it is.

He stayed last night even though DP was out and is here all day today even though DP is at work. He often spends time here when DP isn't here and has spent loads of time here is holidays in the past.

It's just during the day I have other kids here and (weather permitting) we go to the park and for walks and feed the ducks and to soft play (when I can afford it). His son is nearly 11 and just wants to sit and play on the PC all day, and sulks when we go anywhere, making it a horrible outing. Also he has started telling really stupid little lies and it really annoys me, because there is no need.

There is also the issue of affording to feed him three meals a day, as well as the endless amount of sweets and fruit that he eats.

Me and DP have very different ideas on parenting too, and he lets him get away with EVERYTHING.

DP did open up for the first time last night about how guilty he feels for leaving his son when he was 4, and that he feels guilty sending him back to his mum after spending time here cause he doesn't want to go back there. (If I was his mum I would be extremely hurt that my son would rather spend time elsewhere so much, especially when he would rather be here even when his dad isn't in).

But it isn't DP that looks after him when he is here, cooks and cleans and does his washing and ironing and everything.

And I do know that I need to change, and I am going to try to get into the doctors tomorrow. Main problem with getting there is taking the kids (can't carry 3 babies in), and that I only want to see one certain doctor and she only works part time. They don't give out appointments in advance, you have to ring at 8 in the morning for one that day (which is breakfast time for the toddlers). When I try it is engaged for ages, and then when it does ring I get put on hold and then when I finally get through to someone all the appointments are gone! It is ridiculous!

Also if he chose his son over me, that would mean he was chosing his son over OUR son too!

To him it's not his son over your son, it is whether all his children are treated equally... with my brother, when he walked away from his second marriage it meant walking away from two babies as well: the way he saw it he couldn't live in a house where his second wife resented the children from his first marriage being around... the way he saw it he preferred to live elsewhere and only see all of his kids at the weekends than have his first set of kids get upset at not being welcome in the home of the second marriage. It was all horrible.

I don't doubt for a minute that you are trying your very hardest, and I am sure his son pushes you to the very limits. But the fact that it is so difficult and frustrating doesn't change anything: criticising his son or the demands he makes might push your DP into a corner where he will think he has to choose one of you over the other.... just try not to go there: however difficult it is to cope with you will always have to hide much of it from your DP if you are to rub along together. It isn't fair on you but many kids push their stepmums to the edge because they're kids and it is their way of takign back some kind of control. It can be evil and horrible but it has to be shouldered: I just think you will find it difficult to shoulder wuith everything else going on...

I think you should go and see ANY of the doctors at the practice and tell whoever you see that you are most comfortable with Dr X but cannot get it to see her and have become desperate about everything. you don't even need to discuss all your problems with this first doctor, just explain that you are desperately depressed and have found yourself able to discuss things best with Dr X. Any GP faced with that will then (A) give you something to get you through the immediate crisis and (B) arrange for you to see Dr X. when it comes to depression at your levels you need help fast and no doctor is going to have a problem speaking directly with this Dr X if you ask them. That way you bypass 'the system'. you really must do something like this because you will struggle to get out of this by yourself, without unburdening yourself to a professional you will be walking through treacle, at best, and ther frustration of not getting to your preferred Dr is only going to aggravate things. Take this one small step and your preferred GP will then help you take the next small step. And that's all you need to do - small steps at a time rather than adding up the mountain of problems that you face every day - that would defeat the strongest of us.

Good luck

Thanks squiffy . Do appreciate what you are saying, and will call doctors tomorrow and demand that I see someone. DP is home tomorrow ( really worried about him being here all day when we are not talking) so can leave DS, DD and SS with him, and just take two mindee's with me.

Have to say though that it really does feel like he treats his son better then our son. And he certainly doesn't treat my daughter the same as he does his boys .

Star,
Sorry I haven't been on since Thursday - and so really sorry about your row. I'm really worried that dp is being pushed away by everything that's going on - and like a typical man, isn't responding to your depression in the way you'd like.

About the 'friend' texts - he probably doesn't tell you because he knows it'll upset you, you will grill him even more than you do already, and that will upset him. I have a couple of male friends and my dp has loads of female friends (mostly ex-girlfriends) but because neither of us are insecure about the way we feel about each other, it's not an issue.

However, it IS an issue for you because of your terribly low self-esteem - pardon me, but size 16 is NOT fat. I have a friend who runs a weight watchers, and she's a very buxom wench - however, she's also very attractive and I wish I had her self-confident way with people (me, I'm quite shy despite the way I rabbit on on MN!).

The argument about your p's son sounds like another symptom.

In short, Star, you really need that surgery appointment. Even if you have to take the mindees with you. My boss is an MP and we often have people with several little ones in tow come to her surgery. It's not a problem, doctors expect it!

Please, do your 'homework' also and I hope to hear that you've seen your doctor - or any doctor. Please, please don't put it off any longer. It sounds like your relationship is in crisis and you really need professional help.

Please.

By the way, '4-5 times a week' ?????
reminds me of that scene in 'Annie Hall' where Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are shown speaking to their analysts. He says, 'We hardly have sex at all - maybe 4 times a week' and she says, 'We have sex all the time - about 4 times a week!'

It's relative - and if your dp wants to have sex with you that often, lucky old you! Why do you think he doesn't find you attractive? I wish my dp had that kind of energy .

Star, by the next time I check in on MN, I want to see that you've got a GP appointment, or I'll join Wisteria in coming round and spanking you .