Husband on Tinder!!

[chunkymonkeysmama]

I was destroyed last night to find out by a fluke that my supposedly loyal and loving DH has set himself up a profile on Tinder!!

I was unplugging the baby monitor and thought i would unplug his phone and give it to him at the same time. As i unplugged it, the screen lit up and there was a notification on there: Tinder - you have a new match.

I was absolutely floored by this we have a yound DD and I thought he was my soul mate. We have been married 3 years. I confronted him immediately and he tried to say "it's not what you think!" Errr yes it is!!!

I demanded he showed me the profile and he had used a fake pic, fake name and fake city.

I went absolutely ballistic and demanded to know why?! Eventually he admitted it was for 'wank material' and said I haven't been paying him much attention! I said 'Don't you dare fucking blame me!" I work full time, sort all the household bills and chores whilst juggling our young DD and older children and still give him sex 2-3 times a week!

If it was just for a wank then he would be on the usual porn apps but this is real contact with real women! I suspect he has tried to steer conversations with thess women to become sexual and pic swapped etc.

He will have been sat opposite me in thd lounge whilst messaging them or swiping pics, all whilst i look after our child. He spends quite a bit of time in the toilet too, i guess i know why now!!

I have told him to get himself a solicitor as I can never forgive this! Even if he didn't physically meet anyone, just by going behind my back and setting the account up is cheating in my eyes. He broke our vows and has no respect for me or our family.

I am so hurt. I loved him so much and have alwsys been there for him, supported him through some tough times and this is how i get repaid?!

Our poor DD will now have a part time Dad, all because he has been selfish and thinks with his dick!

I don't know what I am expecting from this post, just needed to vent. I have told my close RL friends and they are absolutely gobsmacked as none of us thought he would ever do anything to hurt/cheat on me.

I just feel like i never really knew him

I would totally get the t-shirts printed - and tea towels also, but I am in Australia, and they would be both expensive and poor quality. You're better off getting your legal stuff over and done with, getting on with your life, and living happily ever after. Kon Mari-ing things that no longer spark joy, starting with that twat. I know you had a big cry, and that is probably one of many more to follow. Love, you are human. He destroyed your future and your fantasy and your plans with his stupid, tiny, weeny dick ego. There is so much callousness in what he has done - he has spent communal money, lied, cheated emotionally, physically, romantically, etc - potentially exposed you to disease (I'm sure you're all over that one, too, aren't you?) He has hurt your DD's future, and he has been living in two different worlds like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. You're allowed to unravel. It's the logical thing to do. Putting white flowers (white is symbolic too - it stands for fidelity and purity) in the sink while he is accusing you of replacing him?!?! WTAF?!?! I'm so glad you have the strength of mind not to allow yourself to be gaslighted unlike so many of us on Mumsnet. It seems to be the fallback of the male of the species - to throw the blame in our direction, or project their own behaviour at us. Unfuckingbelievable. (I'm passionate about this because my own marriage is on the rocks as well. No affairs, just been dragged around behind an ego who isn't doing so well with my demands for emotional equity in our relationship.)

@Sarcelle Lol, i could rival Interflora atm!! 💐🌷🌹🥀🌺🌸🌼🌻😂

@IamFrauBlucher

This is the thing, he has already had a week to realise exactly what he is losing and I honestly think his reconciliation attempts are just for self preservation!!

Imagine having to spend time in a 1 bedroomed flat with 4DC?!! Not my idea of fun!

No one to snuggle up to at night, laugh and chat with over your favourite TV shows and Dinner cooked for you every night!

I am self sufficient already, have always told him that I wanted him but never needed him (he never liked that! Lol) so life for me will be fine. Yes i will miss him, well the old him that I trusted!

@justilou1 Ah Australia! I have. Friend who lives in Victoria, where are you?

Solicitor went well. She said I can apply for the Divorce online if i want to keep costs down but will need Solictor to legilise the financial arrangements. Providing nothing is contested it is quite a reasonable fee.

Once he is out and i have been paid from my new job, i will start proceedings.

He has really pissed me off today. Whilst i was taking DD to nursery and making my way to the Solicitors office, he sent me a text messag with a photo of us looking all loved up at my Sisters Wedding, saying he doesn't want this to end and it doesn't have to be like this!! 😡

I told him to stop texting me! He is trying to get me emotional so that he can manipulate me whilst im at a low ebb. Well he can fuck off!

He also said to me this afternoon "promise me you aren't talking to anyone else? I'm worried for DD and I don't want her to forget me"
I lost my rag and shouted at him not to deflect his shit on to me and that unlike some people, DD and the other kids are my top priority!!

He is so het up with jealousy at the thought i will find someone else, it's actually laughable tbh!

Thank God he is at work tonight again. Just hope he doesn't wake me up texting during the night.

I can't wait until he moves out now, I'm going to have a big clear out and my DDad is going to help me spruce the house up a bit.

You’ve done the right thing. He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you or women in general, happy to lie to women for sexual kicks as if they’re unfeeling objects. His only regret seems to revolve around sexual jealousy of you being with another man.

@chunky - I’m from Victoria, but I live in Queensland now. (Don’t love it, but have to be here for husband’s work, and as kids are in high school, stick for the foreseeable.... in heat and humidity, wilting like a frizzy flower!) Stay pissed off. Work with the rage while you can! Glad the solicitor is empowering you too! Hope DH (Dickhead) doesn’t get all soggy about the flat.

Wow chunky you are racing along the motorway of life in the fast lane...knocking all the bollards out of the way enroute , while he is on the hardshoulder limping along to the telephone point with a flat tyre...because he’s so useless ..he even forgot to charge up his phone before he attempted to travel in your wake 😂😂😂

You rock.

( I’m now waiting for him to say to you...that he had to go on tinder because you didn’t really need him. ... and he wanted to be needed bollocks ...ARSE! )

OR.... that he’s found a profile on tinder that he’s convinced IS you.....
(Maybe we should fake one.)

Love, you are human. He destroyed your future and your fantasy and your plans with his stupid, tiny, weeny dick ego. There is so much callousness in what he has done - he has spent communal money, lied, cheated emotionally, physically, romantically, etc - potentially exposed you to disease (I'm sure you're all over that one, too, aren't you?) He has hurt your DD's future,

What a fabulous post @justilou1 . @chunkymonkeysmama you truly are incredible, your composure, strength and self belief are brilliant. Trust is so vital in a relationship, once a crack appears, trust is questionable. It cannot be maligned.

Hope you are still keeping upbeat chunky.

You’ll feel like you’re in a real roller coaster right now I bet.
Hope you’ve planned something nice with your day.

Wow... well done for your decision !!
What a pathetic cretin he is. Catfishing women on Tinder to try and get nudes/wank material when he has a wife giving him sex 2-3 times a week and assuming a happy and together new young family. So sad. You are handling this with elegance and strength and I hope he's mortified & happy with his new single life. Gross.

Hi All

I am doing ok thanks. Have found out he has kept something else from me as well now and this just reiterates that I am doing the right thing in ending the marriage!

He was contacted by the Landlord of the flat on Saturday to say it is now vacant and went along to have a look. Definitely having it and now has the keys. He is going to move his things in gradually this week.

I really can't wait until he has gone tbh, get rid of all his shit and then i can have a good clean and rearrange what's left. My DDad is going to help me do some decorating and tidy up the garden.

Once i get paid from the new job next month, i am going to start divorce precedings.

Thank you again for all your advice and support 💐

Chunky x

Oh Chunky.... You are so strong, and yet I am so sorry that this has happened. I really wish it hadn’t. You sound like such a great person who I would love to have a glass of wine with. I wish I could right now and tell you that everything will be great. (It’s going to suck for a while, but I honestly think it will be!) In the meantime, please know your cheer squad is here to back you up, raise a glass, hold your hand or shake a fist when you need us!!! We really are very proud of you, you awesome, strong woman! (And you are allowed to not feel like you’re strong also, btw!)
X

I think you are doing amazingly chunkymonkey and have definitely made the right decision, by the sounds of it, this new information is another reason that you will be well rid of him.

I laughed when you said he had text you to say he was worried you were messaging other men, my STBEXH has also accused me of this and it was also ironic.

My STBEXH was messaging women for our whole marriage (17years), unfortunately I was not strong enough to end things as he always threatened to kill himself plus our daughter was a daddy's girl so 7 years ago I made the decision to leave when our daughter turned 18, I stopped checking his phone and generally just carried on life until last year when something made me check his phone and I found a message to a woman asking her on a date.

I told him our marriage was over that night, he tried his usual denial technique but I had really had enough and he left a month later.

He could not believe I would end our marriage over it as I had swept all the other occasions under the carpet, he truly believed I had a boyfriend waiting to move in - I didn't, I'd just had enough of him. He accused me regularly of messaging other men all the time (at that stage I wasn't)

In November he attempted suicide, the reason was because I admitted, after my daughter had told him she had seen messages, that I was chatting to 2 guys on WhatsApp, I told him it was just friendly banter and stuff. He genuinely could not cope with this thought, that I had actually moved on, he truly thought I was just punishing him and would let him home eventually.

I had even offered him an open marriage years ago and he refused.

I don't ever want a relationship again, I have huge trust issues and don't think I can ever get over them.
These men don't realise the damage they do to us or maybe they do and its all part of the plan...

Good Luck with your new life

Wow @SortingItOut ! You have definitely been through the mill! Your Husband was a total wanker doing that to you, especially for the duration of your marriage. Some people just don't know when they have a good thing.

What a nasty card to play by attempting suicide! That was clearly to punish you for standing up for yourself for once!

I am glad you have moved on from him now. Well done for being brave and realising your own worth.

All the best to you x

@justilou1

Hey! Apologies for the radio silence.
God it's been a proper shit few days. Stbexh keeps texting me saying i am making a mistake, he still loves me, he doesn't want this, for me to think about the impact on our DD! Then getting all obsessive at the thought of me possibly talking to other men and getting with one in the future. It's really getting me down! I have been so angry. I am trying to be reasonable with him but omg he is making it so difficult!

If he carries on then im going to stop speaking unless it is directly regarding our DD!

He is finally going to start moving some of his things out as of tomorrow. I have mixed feelings tbh, part of me wants him out so that i can get sorted but another part of me will miss him. He was my best friend for the past 6yrs and i do still love him regardless of what's gone on. Can't turn that off overnight.

I know DD is going to miss him. Every morning she shouts "Daddy wake up" up the stairs to him 😔🙈. It's going to take us all a while to adjust and get used to our new 'normal'. We will get there.

A glass of wine and a chat with you would be lovely sweet! 🍷🍷 put the world to rights! Lol

I had a visit from 3 friends last night and they were pepping me up, telling me i am definitely going to be better off and am doing the right thing.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel! 🙏
Xx

De-lurking to say: Take care of yourself, OP. You are doing amazingly well but what a huge whirlwind transformation of your life in just a couple of weeks! He is clearly trying to wear you down with constant messaging and reminding you of happier times. But you are right to remember he is not the person you thought he was - the man you loved and trusted doesn't exist. That's a huge loss and a lot to grieve, but it will be easier with him out of your home. I would block his number, tell him you'll only communicate regarding DD and nothing else. Look into "grey rock" technique for not getting drawn into emotional manipulations. Anyway. I'm so impressed by your strength of mind and self-respect. You will be fine. I wish you lots of love and strength xx

Hi Chunky... it might be smart to set up a STBXH specific email address for him to communicate with you. This way you choose a time and a place to open it, and you can react when it feels “safe”. Much less immediate than texts. A few of my friends have chosen this line of communication for this reason. (The one’s in more abusive relationships have done so to keep a chain of evidence for court reasons, and you never know.... this may also come in useful later too - believe it or not, his behaviour at the moment is emotionally abusive. You can choose to do with this what you will.) He is being manipulative because his nice, cushy way of life is crumbling around his ears because his sneaky behaviour caught him out and now he’s going to live in a way that shows him as being public ally accountable. How embarrassing for the poor luv.

getting all obsessive at the thought of me possibly talking to other men and getting with one in the future
It is frankly laughable, wasn't that exactly what he was doing ?

OP you are doing amazing. Had your STBEX been on any dates on tinder do you think?

Stbexh keeps texting me saying i am making a mistake, he still loves me, he doesn't want this, for me to think about the impact on our DD! Then getting all obsessive at the thought of me possibly talking to other men and getting with one in the future.

What a fucking cheeky bastard!!! Trying to guilt you with the 'impact on your DD' when it's him that's caused it! I'm boiling with rage on your behalf OP.

Not to mention his jealousy at the thought of you with someone else. He was on fucking TINDER!

You sound like you're doing great. He's sounds like the impact of what he's done and just impacted on HIM.

Tough shit.

Hope he hasn't sent you any cheesy Valentine's Day stuff. Please burn it if he has. You're going to be fine and your DDs will do. You are showing them how to act with self-respect.

You sound like you're doing great. He's sounds like the impact of what he's done and just impacted on HIM.

Sorry, garbled sentence (garbled with rage). I meant to say:

It sounds as though the realisation of what he has done has just impacted HIM.

Hey Guys 👋🏻

Well, he started moving some stuff out today and the rest should be going tomorrow/Saturday.

He really, really, really pissed me off last night. Came in to my bedroom at 1am this morning when he got back from work to talk to me. I was civil. Told him after a while that i was tired so needed to go back to sleep.

The cheeky bastard sat there on the bed stroking my hand and then my side and then tried putting his hands under my top!!! I said "no!" but he carried on. In the end i pushed him off and told him to "fuck off!!" And he said "please, just one more time!" (Obviously hoping for a last shag!) I told him to get the fuck out the room. I can't believe he did that, i was so shocked!

He asked me if i was ok this morning and when i said no, he asked me why?! I snapped at him saying 'errr last night, have you got amnesia?!'
He said he had told me last night that he was sorry as he left the room. He promised me that it won't happen again.

Thank God he is nearly out. I really don't want to be around him now.

I will be sleeping with one eye open tonight!!

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thank you. He keeps telling me how much he is struggling now emotionally, like he expects me to feel sorry for him!! He still won't accept full responsibility for what he has done.

@Lozzerbmc I don't think he met up with anyone but he has hidden other things from me as well.