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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on Tinder!!

245 replies

chunkymonkeysmama · 30/01/2019 20:45

I was destroyed last night to find out by a fluke that my supposedly loyal and loving DH has set himself up a profile on Tinder!!

I was unplugging the baby monitor and thought i would unplug his phone and give it to him at the same time. As i unplugged it, the screen lit up and there was a notification on there: Tinder - you have a new match.

I was absolutely floored by this Sad we have a yound DD and I thought he was my soul mate. We have been married 3 years. I confronted him immediately and he tried to say "it's not what you think!" Errr yes it is!!!

I demanded he showed me the profile and he had used a fake pic, fake name and fake city.

I went absolutely ballistic and demanded to know why?! Eventually he admitted it was for 'wank material' and said I haven't been paying him much attention! I said 'Don't you dare fucking blame me!" I work full time, sort all the household bills and chores whilst juggling our young DD and older children and still give him sex 2-3 times a week!

If it was just for a wank then he would be on the usual porn apps but this is real contact with real women! I suspect he has tried to steer conversations with thess women to become sexual and pic swapped etc.

He will have been sat opposite me in thd lounge whilst messaging them or swiping pics, all whilst i look after our child. He spends quite a bit of time in the toilet too, i guess i know why now!!

I have told him to get himself a solicitor as I can never forgive this! Even if he didn't physically meet anyone, just by going behind my back and setting the account up is cheating in my eyes. He broke our vows and has no respect for me or our family.

I am so hurt. I loved him so much and have alwsys been there for him, supported him through some tough times and this is how i get repaid?!

Our poor DD will now have a part time Dad, all because he has been selfish and thinks with his dick!

I don't know what I am expecting from this post, just needed to vent. I have told my close RL friends and they are absolutely gobsmacked as none of us thought he would ever do anything to hurt/cheat on me.

I just feel like i never really knew him Sad

OP posts:
Dvg · 04/02/2019 22:05

Oh I know how it feels love, it will hurt for a while because no matter what you never imagine they could do such a thing and betrayal hurts. You never just stop loving them even when they hurt you and it does make it harder to walk away but at the same time just know that he will hurt more because not only will he have lost the love of his family but he will Also always be burdened with the guilt knowing it was all his fault xx

I'm already proud of you for being so independent and strong x we all should be x

IndieTara · 04/02/2019 22:21

You are Super Woman op

wishywashy6 · 04/02/2019 22:58

OP just wanted to say that you are handling this amazingly! You're being so strong and dignified and a true inspiration.
I understand how difficult it must be for you but you do deserve better, it's so good to see a woman who knows this.
Happy birthday for tomorrow Thanks

Dowser · 04/02/2019 23:54

You are just amazing chunky...what a beacon of light to all mnetters going through this you are to dive straight in and kick him to the kerb.
I’m very good at visualising even scenes I know nothing about...but I can just imagine how much is head is spinning at the speed at which you are acting.

I bet he doesn’t know which way is up right now and bitterly regrets his stupidity.
I love the way you let your anger pull you through.

Dowser · 04/02/2019 23:55

It might not be the birthday you envisaged ...but I hope it’s a good one and the start of your new life.

TitsNnails · 05/02/2019 00:05

Happy Birthday chunky x

justilou1 · 05/02/2019 01:55

Happy Birthday, Chunky! I wish you a truthful ever after!

AndTheSkyWasAllViolet · 05/02/2019 02:25

I hope you have an amazing birthday. Have lots of fun, party, relax, spa, whatever it is you want to do. It's your day. You deserve a great day.

Mrsmummy90 · 05/02/2019 06:20

Happy birthday xx

Dowser · 05/02/2019 09:42

Happy birthday amazing lady.

Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:43

Thanks @Dvg We were always each others best friend as well as partners, so this hurts wven more. I never dreamed he could ever do this to me.

I had to call up to speak to one of our financial commitments this morning to tell them we have separated and after the call had finished he said he didn't want us to spit up and that I was ending the marriage unnecessarily!! I said that he had betrayed me ffs!!! He said he hasn't and I should let him explain. I said no thanks, I don't need you to explain, it's irrelevant to me! The marriage is over now, end of story!

Him saying that made me so frigging angry!! A married man on Tinder is not betrayal to the wife?!!!

He is seeing now first hand how much harder his life is going to be and he doesn't like it. But it's concern for himself, not me or the kids.

I will prosper, i have a decent job, inam staying in the family home and without sounding big headed, he was punching above his weight with me anyway!!

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:44

@IndieTara Thank you, i am trying my best!

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:45

@wishywashy6 Thank you. My belly is in knots but I am just concentrating on moving forward.
I am having a bit of a pamper today, think I deserve it!

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:50

@Dowser Thank you. The reality of what is happening now has well and truly hit home to him now and he has tried several times to minimise his actions and say he doesn't want this.....of course he doesn't want it! He thought he would get away with cheap sexual thrills behind my back and still get to be with me and his kids! He realises he is going to be stuck in a 1 bed flat from now on with not much prospects, whilst i prosper.

#toughshit

Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:51

@TitsNnails Thank you! I am looking forward to seeing my friends tonight for a curry.

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:52

@justilou1 Thanks! I definitely won't be looking for another bloke!! Me, the kids and the cats from now on! Lol

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:54

@AndTheSkyWasAllViolet Thank you!

I am getting my nails done this afternoon the out tonight with some special friends.

This heartbreak has also helped my diet, lost 3lb last week! 👍🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkymonkeysmama · 05/02/2019 12:54

@Mrsmummy90 Thank you 😊

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 13:05

Ohhhhh pamper day and curry night.
You sooooo deserve it.
Well done on staying strong.
It must be bloody hard.
Happy birthday celebrations!!!
Cake Flowers Wine Gin Glitterball

NextNewUserName · 05/02/2019 13:05

You are amazing!! I've just found out similar about my H today and am in knots about confronting him, and what to do next. I will be thinking WWCMMD? And try to be as strong as you when we have that conversation. Well done 💪

Snuggz · 05/02/2019 13:07

Happy birthday OP.

Just read the whole thread and just wanted to say well done for not taking any shit and realising your self-worth. So many women make excuses for their husbands/boyfriends when they do things like this and just end up taking them back because they are either financially dependent on these men and/or afraid of what life will be like as a single mother.

The reality of what is happening now has well and truly hit home to him now and he has tried several times to minimise his actions and say he doesn't want this.....of course he doesn't want it! He thought he would get away with cheap sexual thrills behind my back and still get to be with me and his kids! He realises he is going to be stuck in a 1 bed flat from now on with not much prospects, whilst i prosper.

This. A million times over. You’d think given how much some men have to lose in these situations that they would think twice before thinking with their dicks. I imagine your ex probably thought that in the event you ever found out that you’d be pissed, but ultimately after some apologies and being on best behaviour for a while, you’d go right back to normal as if he’d never done anything. Lol jokes on him for failing to realise he was fucking with a no-nonsense bad ass chick!

Sproutsandall · 05/02/2019 13:09

You’re a star, chunkymonkey! You’re being so strong and intelligent about all this. Massive kudos to you.

user1479305498 · 05/02/2019 13:15

Although it’s different I know exactly how you feel as I found a ton of hard core porn going on behind my back secretly 4/5 times a week after he told me he watched it very very occasionally when away from home. He doesn’t know yet how much I know as lining my ducks up. One friend told me her dealbreaker point was ‘none’ , another told me it wouldn’t bother her at all, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks to be honest , it’s what you are ok with and if he had been truthful I would have asked him if he could cut it back as it upset me but he wasn’t. I totally get about the best friend thing. I have the same and in my case I think we may well be able to keep the ‘friends’ thing. We shall see. You just don’t expect your best friend to be shitting on you for cheap sexual thrills do you!

SwordofGryffindor · 05/02/2019 13:49

Go on op ya legend!!!!

wishywashy6 · 05/02/2019 14:15

@chunkymonkeysmama you definitely deserve some pampering!
Enjoy!

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