Husband on Tinder!!

[chunkymonkeysmama]

I was destroyed last night to find out by a fluke that my supposedly loyal and loving DH has set himself up a profile on Tinder!!

I was unplugging the baby monitor and thought i would unplug his phone and give it to him at the same time. As i unplugged it, the screen lit up and there was a notification on there: Tinder - you have a new match.

I was absolutely floored by this we have a yound DD and I thought he was my soul mate. We have been married 3 years. I confronted him immediately and he tried to say "it's not what you think!" Errr yes it is!!!

I demanded he showed me the profile and he had used a fake pic, fake name and fake city.

I went absolutely ballistic and demanded to know why?! Eventually he admitted it was for 'wank material' and said I haven't been paying him much attention! I said 'Don't you dare fucking blame me!" I work full time, sort all the household bills and chores whilst juggling our young DD and older children and still give him sex 2-3 times a week!

If it was just for a wank then he would be on the usual porn apps but this is real contact with real women! I suspect he has tried to steer conversations with thess women to become sexual and pic swapped etc.

He will have been sat opposite me in thd lounge whilst messaging them or swiping pics, all whilst i look after our child. He spends quite a bit of time in the toilet too, i guess i know why now!!

I have told him to get himself a solicitor as I can never forgive this! Even if he didn't physically meet anyone, just by going behind my back and setting the account up is cheating in my eyes. He broke our vows and has no respect for me or our family.

I am so hurt. I loved him so much and have alwsys been there for him, supported him through some tough times and this is how i get repaid?!

Our poor DD will now have a part time Dad, all because he has been selfish and thinks with his dick!

I don't know what I am expecting from this post, just needed to vent. I have told my close RL friends and they are absolutely gobsmacked as none of us thought he would ever do anything to hurt/cheat on me.

I just feel like i never really knew him

We need an Ask ChunkyMonkey or What Would ChunkyMonkey Do thread on here. I imagine we all have stuff we need help with and would love to know what advice Chunky has.

It would be time-consuming, so not a serious suggestion but imagine the help MN posters would get and the strength infused within them as well.

And I love that nail color!

You can set a fake city on Tinder if you subscribe...

Chunky
It’s like you’ve read the mn manual and you’re working your way through it
Tick ✅

Anyone going through this should be directed to your post on how to handle this situation or similar

Would be erring partners..should be directed to it...to see that the consequence of their actions will result in this, this and this.

It’s the night of the full moon...so I’m bracing myself already.

Hope you had a fab night @chunkymonkeysmama :) I've linked the thread to DD so she knows how to react if her partner starts screwing her around (she loves the nails btw)!

You go girl! I have a feeling he won’t be trying that trick again with anyone . As I said before it’s the losing a best friend angle I think that can be really hard . My h (the one with the secret porn issue) had an emotional affair/infatuation 13 years ago that I found all evidence of 2 years ago, silly bugger had written it all down and not thrown it. I don’t know if she knew how he felt or not, so it may have been totally one sided. Totally Knocked me for six, lovely councillor said to me ‘ first thing you need to do lady is go get yourself some friends’ and do I did.it has helped me feel if we do split that I’m not totally ‘alone’ , as I’m in my 50s that mattered. You will do great OP , he is an idiot, girls like you aren’t two a penny

@Downeyhouse Well done for seeing things through after you were slso betrayed. Hearing your story gives me confidence x

@justilou1 Stbxh ears must have been burning as he was slated to the hilt last night! They all said I deserve so muchbetter. It's niceto know people have my back c

@importantkath Thank you 💕

@Frainbreeze If my story can help others, then that pleases me. We should never allow ourselves to be disrespected or stay for the sale of the kids!

@Chunky-we are all so proud of you! You have your own Mumsnet cheer squad!!!

Wow well done, for not tolerating his disgusting behaviour !! and as someone said above, people going through similar situation should be directed to your thread.

Just wanted to add @chunkymonkeysmama that (as a man), I'm in awe of your strength of conviction. I'd like to think I'd act in a similar assertive manner but in the heat of the moment that all goes out the window to be replaced by emotions surging through our veins. Yet you maintained your composure, I'm truly astounded and happy for you. So yes, you're awesome.

Just a little lyrics:

I knew who you were from the start, but now I don't know who you are.

Thank you all so much for your support, it really means a lot 💓

He was at work last night and as i was tidying up, i picked up one of his tops and made the mistake of sitting on the bed and smelling it. That familiar scent of his after shave, which used to make me feel happy, safe and secure, just made me crumble in to a heap of tears and i sat there and sobbed! 😩 asking myself again and again how he could have done this and destroyed us. Our lovely family.

It did me good to get that emotion out. I miss him but it's the him that i used to know, it's like i am grieving for him, if that makes sense?! I don't know the new him. The old him always promised he had my back and 'loved me more' than i loved him.....clearly not!!

I woke up earlier and he is back from work and in DS room. He had text me saying:

^Feel like ur already replacing me. And its hard. Please dont straight away. Feel like your already talkin to someone else and its killin me
I dont want DD messed up or forgetting about me^

Oooh the irony of it!! 😠 he is worried i am now talking to people?! I told him in a very assertive manner that my only priority is DD!

He also said he has got me something, but I don't have to have it, it's up to me. When i went downstairs to the loo i could see in the dim light there appears to be flowers in the sink. How thoughtful eh?! Cause flowers fix things? NOT!

He could buy all the Tulips in Holland and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference!

*You made your bed, lie in it!
*
I have a free 30 min consultation with a family solicitor @ 9am today, whilst DD is at nursery. Our case should be relatively simple, we don't have many assests so it will mainly be custody of DD and house.

If he takes the flat he is waiting to view after the current tennant vacates (15th Feb) then it hopefully won't be too long until he is gone. He has agreed to continue providing child care for our DD when i am at work. He is desperate not to lose the bond he has with her and it helps me financially.

I am getting up now (DD still sleeping) and so i will look what's in sink.

I will have my game face back on after a coffee and ready to face whatever the day brings!

Xx

@justilou1 Maybe you can get some 'Go Chunky' T-shirts printed and distribute them! 😂😂😂 xx

Flowers!..

I just LOL when i looked at my calendar and saw again what I had done the day after i found out..look at 14th Feb. 😂

I've enjoyed reading your thread op. I'm sorry it's happened to you, but you sound impressively strong and assertive. I went through something similar but it took me far longer to ask him to leave.

I just wanted to suggest that you legally nail things down quickly, while he is (quite rightly) feeling guilty and wanting to act fairly.

IME men soon begin to find their anger when confronted with their much-reduced circumstances. It is not a legal right for you to stay in the marital home for example, or he may stop offering childcare for dd if he needs to work more hours.

No he hasn't set a fake location as that's impossible.
It's possible if you sign up and pay

I have to say, OP, you're bloody amazing!

@GloomyMonday I agree with what you said. I can imagine that once he is sat alone in a flat, with a much less cosy life and less money that he will start to feel sorry for himself and become bitter.

He may well struggle for money and like you say, before i know it he will be working extra hours and i will be up the swaney with the child care. She does attend nursery as well and i have asked them to check on avu, should i need it.

I am keen to get the legal thing sorted as I don't want him to benefit when i die or when I receive my inheritance!

@Gina2012 Thanks for clarifying that. The profile he showed me definitely said Bristol and we are in West Midlands.

Woman of steel, you are amazing. I was going to send you flowers, but you don't need them!

Delurking to say you are doing well op and being incredibly strong.

It's ironic that all he can think of is that you'll be with someone else because that's how the mind of a cheater works unfortunately, he's projecting on to you.

Not only will he have a lot to think about in terms of what he's lost when he moves out, but also it'll hit him in what extra he has to do - his visitation weekends with DC where he'll have to manage all by himself to provide a suitable homelife etc.

He's taken a lot for granted I imagine, and this will be a huge shock to the system.