Husband on Tinder!!

[chunkymonkeysmama]

I was destroyed last night to find out by a fluke that my supposedly loyal and loving DH has set himself up a profile on Tinder!!

I was unplugging the baby monitor and thought i would unplug his phone and give it to him at the same time. As i unplugged it, the screen lit up and there was a notification on there: Tinder - you have a new match.

I was absolutely floored by this we have a yound DD and I thought he was my soul mate. We have been married 3 years. I confronted him immediately and he tried to say "it's not what you think!" Errr yes it is!!!

I demanded he showed me the profile and he had used a fake pic, fake name and fake city.

I went absolutely ballistic and demanded to know why?! Eventually he admitted it was for 'wank material' and said I haven't been paying him much attention! I said 'Don't you dare fucking blame me!" I work full time, sort all the household bills and chores whilst juggling our young DD and older children and still give him sex 2-3 times a week!

If it was just for a wank then he would be on the usual porn apps but this is real contact with real women! I suspect he has tried to steer conversations with thess women to become sexual and pic swapped etc.

He will have been sat opposite me in thd lounge whilst messaging them or swiping pics, all whilst i look after our child. He spends quite a bit of time in the toilet too, i guess i know why now!!

I have told him to get himself a solicitor as I can never forgive this! Even if he didn't physically meet anyone, just by going behind my back and setting the account up is cheating in my eyes. He broke our vows and has no respect for me or our family.

I am so hurt. I loved him so much and have alwsys been there for him, supported him through some tough times and this is how i get repaid?!

Our poor DD will now have a part time Dad, all because he has been selfish and thinks with his dick!

I don't know what I am expecting from this post, just needed to vent. I have told my close RL friends and they are absolutely gobsmacked as none of us thought he would ever do anything to hurt/cheat on me.

I just feel like i never really knew him

So sorry OP. You;re doing the right thing and sound really strong.

On the tinder location service thing that some people have queried, I believe you can pay for an upgrade that lets you set your location, it doesn't automatically do it. My friend did it to have a look at people in a different country when she was due to move countries.

You sound (rightly) very angry

But I think he deserves a second chance. Marriage counselling may help come to some acceptable solution

I’m 7 years divorced and it’s not easy, especially as time goes on

Don’t act in anger. This is a very big decision

@mooncuplanding 😳😳😳

I'm 4 years divorced and it's far easier than being married 🤨

OP I wouldn't forgive this either. Porn fine, I watch that doesn't bother me at all.
Real women is different, it's cheating and I'd have his bags packed immediately

Hi All, i can assure you i am no troll.

I gave him the phone and told him to show me his profile (I have no idea how Tinder works, just that it's a hook up site!) He pressed some buttons and turned phone to show me. It said location Bristol and we are in the West Midlands, so no where near there! Hence why i assumed he had set a fake location, along with a pic that was definitely not him and a different name & age.

Maybe he clicked on someone elses profile and just showed me that? I didn't even bother looking any further as the damage was already done. I questioned him on wtf he had done it and got his shitty excuses. He is lucky he didn't have the phone smashed in his face as i was so angry!

I spoke to him today calmly but firmly to say we need to sort out whats going to happen going forward. I have told him he needs to move out. As expected he said he has no money to start again, so i said we will sell the car and split the money. I am very fortunate as my DD has offered to get me a cheap car to replace it, so I can at least get to work and kids to school.

He has found a flat that is available mid Feb and is going to take it. We have discussed how we will split the household items.

He text me whilst i was out saying that he still loves me and always will and that what he did was stupid and out of character and he understands he has hurt me and he is hurt too.

I just replied saying it's too late and i can never forgive him for what he has done. No respect for his marriage or child.

I have had a few tearful episodes today, I won't lie 😢 but i have to remind myself that this was a premeditated coursw of action he took and he knew deep down if he got caught I wouldn't forgive him. We have spoken about this kind of stuff previously and he knows my feelings! The laughable thing is he is always talking like he has such a strong moral compass....clearly not!!

I feel sorry for his other kids too as they were happy coming to us at weekends and seeing their little sister.

I had slightly more sleep last night but still not enough. Hopefully with a warm drink and hot water bottle tonight i can relax more.

I am trying so hard to be strong. He looks sad and like he has been upset but i have to remind myself this is all down to him not me!

I have discovered that he has lied to me and hidden a few things recently (a Quick Quid loan being just one example!) so i really don't feel i can trust him.

I don't doubt he loves me but I can't be with someone that does this kind of thing the minute you have the slightest bump in your relationship. Yes we have had a few small arguments recently but the root cause has been money and other stresses. He is very moody and not been nice to be around.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to post on here. This is my second marriage and so i know what effects a break up can have. I am too kind hearted, too trusting and hope that this experience doesn't harden me up too much.

I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else.

I am going to concentrate on myself and my children.

Could he have shown you a random person’s profile? He wouldn’t have got very far with false photos and false location.

@Variousartists That's what i am thinking now. I was in such a state at the time I didn't question it
further. I don't want to know or see what messages/pics he has sent or I won't be able to erase it from my mind.

We were so close and it's shaken me that someone I totally trusted could do something like this for cheap thrills.

@chunkymonkeysmama

I'm so sorry some of the more emotional members on here accused you of being a troll... I knew you weren't. Sometimes it's best to just ignore some of the members on here who send personal attacks like that.

So glad to see you have calmed down a bit, it is such a shock to the system. I've been through similar myself. I do feel for you. I just want you to think about this: no one is 100% trustworthy. No one.

I know of one couple where the husband cheated, but he was pretty stupid and didn't know how to hide it. He instantly regretted it, and they split up, then they got back together sometime later .. went to relationship counselling... 20 years on happily married and he has never done anything like that again.

Just an example. Your guy wouldn't have been able to do much with a fake profile, and a fake location, but you are right, it is a slippery slope...

What a terrible situation to be in. Whatever you choose, do you think you will be able to survive on your own? (Emotionally)

Op, you're so brave and I admire your strength. You absolutely do deserve better than this and he crossed the line knowing he was utterly disrespecting you.

Just to say that YOU are a bloody STAR in my eyes for not excusing his behaviour.
You know your worth and you certainly deserve better.
So many people make excuses but you’re having none of that.

^^ This

I strongly suspect he wasn't just thinking with his dick and looking for "wank material" but was looking to have his ego stroked and have online flirtations with other women as he could be anonymous by using a fake profile,it wasn't that he wasn't enough getting attention,more that he wanted a different kind of attention and probably enjoyed the thrill of it.

Totally agree with what teapot said.

In regards to wondering if he showed you a random profile, could u create your own tinder profile and try and search him? Even search the fake name he gave you?

I agree with you @Teapot1984 I think he wanted his ego stroked as well as a sexual kick. I admit that my young child takes priority over him for my affections but he knows he is loved and we still have (had!) an active sex life.

Thank you @PeachesPlumsPears
I was looking back at photos of us together last night and I just kept thinking 'I don't know you anymore!'

@willowtree28 Thank you. That's the thing. It shows zero respect for me. He was just banking on the trust i had for him, never looking at his phone etc, and thought he could quite easily get away with it. It's a good job that the idiot forgot to turn notifications off on it or i would never have known!

@frankiesamson

Emotionally I can deal with things and the benefit of being the highest earner means that tbh I won't really miss his contributions financially.

He is doing a proper sad face now all the while, like i am somehow going to feel sorry for him! Nope, fuck that!

I didn't sleep very well last night but have been out and about. Had my hair cut (fresh start) and bought a new car, so at least i will be sorted in getting to work and school runs etc.

I am a survivor and i am just going to concentrate on myself now and my children 💕

He probably wasn’t expecting you to be so gung ho after finding out. He probably thought you would be angry but give him a second chance.

But you need to do what’s best for you and your child. Staying with him, which is what many women would do, will chip away at your self worth.

As for women cheating, I agree the figures are probably 50 50 percent but women are better at hiding it, and men and easier to fool.

Sorry this is happening to you.

As an ex Tinder user, your profile is linked to your location that the phone picks up on ( location settings) You can't just select any location you want, unless you pay for an 'advanced' account and use the passport option which allows you to find dates in any area you choose.

This is handy for people travelling, or wanting to meet up with people outside of their local area.

Has he had any work trips or weekends away in the past? Might explain why the random location of Bristol is selected.

And unless he's chosen to look for both men and women , he would only see women's profiles, so he's probably not showing you someone else's account

It sounds like he might have been doing this a while, if he's already gone out of his way to hide his true identify and pay for a service to hide his location too.

You've done the right thing though and sound very strong!

x

For what it’s worth it really unlikely he’s showed you someone else’s profile as he’d need to go in and change his ‘looking to meet’ settings (assuming he’s got them set to looking for females) to even bring up a males profile and that would have taken a bit longer than the couple of clicks it took him to show you the profile. x

Cross post with @pigeonpies

One less asshole for us single women then.

chunkymonkeysmama Just wanted to say sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine the shock at finding this out! But have to add I'm so happy to see a woman with confidence that's not taking this BS.

I would also have no shame in telling everyone the truth - his slimey deceit is absolutely no reflection on you, and he should be suitably mortified when his friends and family hear about it.

My DH also spends lots of time on the loo. Wonder what he's looking at!

I agree with Teapot, sometimes I think they suffer from a case of really wanting a ‘buzz’ , with someone new, even if it’s just flirty chit chat. Life doesn’t work like that though and for every woman who says ‘don’t do it again’ there will be one saying ‘go fuck yourself’. They really do play with fire.

Good on you @chunkymonkeysmama

You don't need that type of weasely shit in your life. Onwards and upwards lovely. X