Husband on Tinder!!

[chunkymonkeysmama]

I was destroyed last night to find out by a fluke that my supposedly loyal and loving DH has set himself up a profile on Tinder!!

I was unplugging the baby monitor and thought i would unplug his phone and give it to him at the same time. As i unplugged it, the screen lit up and there was a notification on there: Tinder - you have a new match.

I was absolutely floored by this we have a yound DD and I thought he was my soul mate. We have been married 3 years. I confronted him immediately and he tried to say "it's not what you think!" Errr yes it is!!!

I demanded he showed me the profile and he had used a fake pic, fake name and fake city.

I went absolutely ballistic and demanded to know why?! Eventually he admitted it was for 'wank material' and said I haven't been paying him much attention! I said 'Don't you dare fucking blame me!" I work full time, sort all the household bills and chores whilst juggling our young DD and older children and still give him sex 2-3 times a week!

If it was just for a wank then he would be on the usual porn apps but this is real contact with real women! I suspect he has tried to steer conversations with thess women to become sexual and pic swapped etc.

He will have been sat opposite me in thd lounge whilst messaging them or swiping pics, all whilst i look after our child. He spends quite a bit of time in the toilet too, i guess i know why now!!

I have told him to get himself a solicitor as I can never forgive this! Even if he didn't physically meet anyone, just by going behind my back and setting the account up is cheating in my eyes. He broke our vows and has no respect for me or our family.

I am so hurt. I loved him so much and have alwsys been there for him, supported him through some tough times and this is how i get repaid?!

Our poor DD will now have a part time Dad, all because he has been selfish and thinks with his dick!

I don't know what I am expecting from this post, just needed to vent. I have told my close RL friends and they are absolutely gobsmacked as none of us thought he would ever do anything to hurt/cheat on me.

I just feel like i never really knew him

I know I'll be a minority here and I understand you feel betrayed as would I.

But I weirdly believe his reasoning... The profile is all fake, it's not nice for genuine women on there, but it means he couldn't have really ever met these people. It was entirely fake. It makes me think of using it as a more exciting form of porn.

My view on it would entirely depend on whether or not he spoke to women with love/affection.

I'm so sorry he's done this and you deserve better.

Op , I am so sorry you are in this shity situation, I know that feeling, that gut wrenching kick in the heart, when the person you thought you knew inside out turns out to be someone you just cant relate to. Its possibly the worst shock you can ever get apart from maybe someone dying. I went to a counsellor and she told me in a way it is like a death, the death of your marriage, trust , best friend all in one.

I have suffered terrible emotional trauma since finding out and I struggle to come to terms with it, but it has gotten easier. In my case I stayed. We have young kids and a lot of stuff tied up. Sad thing is I love him very much but the light has gone out for me and I do mourn what could have been a great marriage and lifelong partnership. Now he is just another man who did the dirty on his wife and knows he cant turn back the hands of time. Best of luck your very brave xxx

Yes I don't think you can fake a location. And don't the photos get pulled from your facebook? Although I guess you could easily set up a fake FB with separate photos. I haven't been on Tinder in a while.

Big hugs OP.

No he hasn't set a fake location as that's impossible. He hasn't used it with the intent to meet/shag anyone...yet. Clearly he knows he'd need to use his actual photo for that, and like OP said, he's probably not gonna get as much interest - assuming he's put on some pic of a hot guy to get all young good looking women to swipe right on him.

Firstly OP I am so proud of you for being so strong minded and brave in this heartbreaking scenario. I also think it's good you told the in laws before he can minimise it. I am also very pleased to hear they totally understand your side and want to support you no matter what - what amazing in laws.

I think like you say it's like some exciting porn for him. It's like a challenge to see if he is still has 'the chat' and the ability to flirt and to get women. The sad thing of it all is that he's pretending to be someone else to do that, so he's duping single women like me (although no way I'd be engaging in sex chat or any of that BS.)

He is an utter knob, and I tell you now when he's single and getting fed up of girls rejecting him (which they will!) he'll be really regretting his decision.

I also suspect this is the tip of the iceberg. Got to also wonder how long has it being going on - and to freely accept to 'show notifications' just shows how dumb and also uncaring he is about getting caught!

OP said she looked at the profile herself and saw that he’d set up a fake city

Something doesn’t add up? I get using fake photos and a fake name but that’s it

I’m not calling troll but you can’t use a fake location as it automatically uses your location services where ever you are. If you don’t have it switched on you can’t search for anybody. So OP, how did you see a fake location?

Creep! First time caught more like, trust is gone, broken, thanks to him, good on you for not being a doorman and putting up like some other women on here - you know your worth, be proud.

It could be that he said in his profile ‘where’ he was based

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you but I hugely admire your decision and self worth. He's a stupid fool who has lost an amazing woman, but conversely, you're an amazing woman who has lost a stupid fool

He could easily say his normal location is London but is 'travelling'. is that what she means by fake location?

Also tinder you can make profiles without facebook now.

Just to say that YOU are a bloody STAR in my eyes for not excusing his behaviour.
You know your worth and you certainly deserve better.
So many people make excuses but you’re having none of that.
Take care

I'm so sorry he has betrayed you like this xxx

@hellsbellsmelons

Sorry to burst your bubble that only men cheat:

"Millennial Women Are Cheating More Than Millennial Men, A New Survey Finds"
www.bustle.com/p/millennial-women-are-cheating-more-than-millennial-men-a-new-survey-finds-7873841

Even surveys before the new millennium found statistics to be broadly similar, and any small discrepancy has been said could be due to the fact women are less likely to report it than men.

Yes face facts here girls, it's not just men who do it. Plenty of bad women out there too.

OP have u considered the possibility he might be telling the truth?

Have you considered the possibility that he has learnt his lesson?

Are you sure you want to break up a family on the basis he might have cheated in the future?

PS – I don't mean to sound like I'm not on the side of the OP, because I am, I just think some of us are so quick to tell people to be split up, but we don't consider the bigger effects of the trauma it will put on her whole family for such a long period of time.. when there is in fact a possibility that he didn't cheat, and wouldn't have cheated. He might be telling the truth. If she only just started dating him it would be a different story, but there is a family involved.

I think it's good that she scared him and told him it's over. But now is the time to think a bit more clearly and rationally about the whole thing. Are you sure you want to follow this through OP?

What about the trauma he has caused OP?? Why should she sacrifice her happiness for 'the family' when he wasn't able to control himself 'for the family'?

He's pathetic. You CAN do better. You DESERVE better. Tell yourself that 100 times a day.

You can enter extra cities onto your tinder location besides where you are currently.

Besides all of that... you "give" him sex?! Time to find yourself some mutually fulfilling satisfaction my friend, no more of this selfish wankbadgery.

I didn't say only men cheat.
In fact I quite clearly stated that women do too.
But the % is higher, at least on the sites I was looking at.
10% in men!

OP have u considered the possibility he might be telling the truth?
Have you considered the possibility that he has learnt his lesson?
Are you sure you want to break up a family on the basis he might have cheated in the future?

I always think that I'd reason like this, but I'm not sure I would if it at happened to me.

It's hard keeping a relationship on track when kids are young and both working, imo it's the most testing time for a couple, both sexually and financially.

So sorry OP you've done the right thing. The trust is gone and he's a cheating arse. If it's any consolation, not all men are like this (I understand why you feel like that at the moment).

I've been a single parent a few years and have met some lovely single men, often divorced ones. Occasionally a cheating husband has approached on online dating and they will happily lead you on, have sex etc given the chance before you unravel their lies and find out they are married.

Stay strong, it will get better

@hellsbellsmelons sorry but the link I showed you proved some surveys found more percentage of women cheat than men. Sorry to burst your bubble. The statistics over all surveys prove the numbers are actually pretty similar. Any slight deviation in percentage numbers (55 vs 50%) could easily be caused by the fact women are less likely to report it than men. It certainly is not a case of 5% women cheat versus 85% of men cheat, nowhere near. I would hazard a guess to say the average over all surveys shows it split fairly evenly. As I said, I already linked to the survey that shows more women cheat than men. If you choose to ignore the data, I can't help you.

You can't argue with data. One hypotheses is that women cheat more, however they are better at hiding their tracks which means they don't get caught.

I'm using auto dictate to write this, so apologies in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes!

The default go to response in any situation like this, is "leave him! Leave him now! Well done!". You will find many tell you the same thing.

However, what most people don't consider are the finer details & end results.. the amount it will hurt the woman, her family, everyone involved, the struggle she will now face for years, possibly never finding anyone else she loves as much, and all with no proof that he cheated. Be careful you don't regret any decision you make.

Statistical studies in psychology have shown that Long term monogamous relationships are not created by people who don't cheat, far from it, they are created by people who forgive their spouses & work through problems. I think we should all bare this in mind for our own lives as well as the advice we give others.

I know a number of people where the partner actually did cheat (with proof), but they forgave the other one, and ended up in a lifelong marriage of happiness, and it never happened again.

There are different types of cheaters, different types of people, and all manner of reasons people behave the way they do. It isn't a case of "once a cheater always a cheater! ", and although it seems easier to think this way, this is a known fact. Some people cheat once, regret it, and never again.

Nothing is black-and-white and not everyone can be painted with the same brush.

@Therighthonourable that's correct, you are right. Many of the survey researchers have hypothesised the same thing. It was noticed in a few surveys that many women were reluctant to report the truth, even anonymously. The challenge with the surveys is finding a method of reporting that decreases this happening.

I am so sorry this happened to you OP.

You need to get to a solicitor quick!

My sisters hubby had a full 2 year affair and refused to move out (they have a DD who is under 10) they have been stuck living in same house for over 6 months!

She will he moving out to new place in March because the selfish arsehole won’t leave- unfortunately not as many rights as think in these circumstances.

Good luck - get legal help quickly, be careful of the in-laws!!!

Learnt his lesson??? What Is he 7?

I personally know that I could have no respect for someone like this, and would know that I'm dealing with a thirsty fucking moron. Levels.

Don't plant seeds that she's overreacting... Some people may be content to be in a relationship with someone like that well op clearly isn't.

How about ops husband takes his cock out his hand and gets a fucking grip. How dare anyone shift the responsibility onto her.

I'm with you op, but whatever you decide to do we're here to support you but don't take any shit.