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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A heartbreak support thread

316 replies

namechangedbutneedadvice · 28/01/2019 20:37

I'm currently on day 7 of heartbreak central... split with my boyfriend of 16 months. It was a messy, semi-mutual ending but I still love him though know there's no way back from here. He's done. It's less than 2 years since I split with my husband (his 2nd affair) and I think the way I feel is a build up of heartbreak but it's just absolutely awful. It's a physical pain, totally distracting, I feel sick, no appetite at all, tearful, not sleeping. It's intolerable.

I posted a different thread about my situation but wanted to get some of us together for some support. I know I could do with some but I know it's helpful to support others too. Would you care to join? A place to offload and hopefully find a way forward xx

OP posts:
Lozy01 · 06/02/2019 20:48

Disgusting!! Just proves that your better off without someone like that in your life!! I come off the pill early October to see what happens. Nothings happened which is quite lucky at the moment isn't it! Literally don't know where my heads at. Weather hes changed or not I don't think I'll ever get over the fact hes slept with someone else let alone kissed them touched them it's just not worth thinking about!

Duvetday2day · 06/02/2019 21:16

@Lozy01
I was in your position early in our relationship. I caught him cheating. He cried, begged me, and I stupidly took him back, and we started trying for the family we had spoke about. 5 years later, thinking our relationship was ok, the same OW who I had caught him with years before was sat their pregnant with his child.
Looking back I had suffered years of emotional, physical, verbal and financial abuse. My relationship was far from fine. But I stayed in the hope things would change, and that I would have the family.
Serious think about whether he deserves you, know your worth!

Daisy1202 · 07/02/2019 00:30

Hi please can I join.
Fell for close friend and few months back. To start with he said he felt the same, but a few weeks on says he has stopped having feelings for me and his head is all over the place. He lost his partner to cancer last Autumn.
I still see him and love him so much but all physical contact has stopped. I feel so sad.

Canthearthroughmyglasses · 07/02/2019 01:21

I told my ex yesterday that I could no longer want to be with him. He is violent but excellent at projecting and treating people with contempt. I am better off without him but it’s going to be hard not having him around because he was not always am ass.

Napssavelives · 07/02/2019 06:15

The kids are ok, kept it together for them. He said the same old crap, that he doesn’t see a future . I think he’s going to string this along as he’s too much of a coward to end up. It will need to get to a point where I say enough as I need to be able to put my kids back together before their brother arrives. I’m going to hate him for this, I don’t know how to co patent with someone who has hurt me so badly

onemoresmartie · 07/02/2019 10:59

I split up with my ex just over 4 weeks ago and last night he changed his WhatsApp picture to him and some new girl who looks like a middle aged escort. I am reeling and only had two hours sleep
I really wish I could laugh and not care and feel sorry for her but I am so angry and I just can't get my head round how he can move on so quickly.
The first girl he beds and he's taking selfies in the sheets I bought him 😡😡😡 handhold please

lifegoes · 07/02/2019 12:52

5 days in and I'm trying to keep busy and not think about things he said

Then the wife contacts me and I'm thrown back into how could be like this.

lifegoes · 07/02/2019 15:41

Any advice 😢

Lozy01 · 07/02/2019 17:44

Thank you I really appreciate it. Its always going to be in my head weather hes going to cheat again. I don't know if I'm strong enough anymore. I kind of want to be this strong dont give a fuck sort of girl. I'm a nurse so of course I'm not like that I've got way too much of heart that hes taken advantage of time and time again.. I've been trying to get into his emails but I don't even know his password to get in to check up on him but I shouldn't even be doing that should I!! What's a relationship without trust. Have I got the right to want to go through his phone constantly?

onemoresmartie · 07/02/2019 17:45

Once your going through their phones it's over....trust me it's not healthy

Duvetday2day · 07/02/2019 19:36

@Daisy1202 he is probably going through a rough time after loosing with DP and is feeling a mix of emotions right now. Needless to say you are probably are too. Just be there and support him as a friend, but remember yourself and that your feelings count too. Hopefully in time things will resolve.

@canthearthroughmyglasses what a jerk, he didn’t hold back, any chance this could have a OW? It’s a total lack of respect for you, and your relationship. Block him on whatsapp, let them both learn from their mistakes and hold your head up high.

@I hate it when they don’t just say what they want, and make it like it’s you that has to make a decision. Like it’s not my decision to make, your the one that wants this! So frustrating! I don’t blame you for hating him, and you need to have some resolution before the baby arrives.

Duvetday2day · 07/02/2019 19:42

@Lozy01 I agree it not healthy to be checking their phone or email. Try and find the strength to leave if you can’t find the trust. It may hurt in the short term, but in the long term it will be better. You deserve better than that.

@Lifegoes can you block the wife? It’s not nice to be getting regular updates on the situation. Won’t do you any good!

lifegoes · 07/02/2019 19:45

@Duvetday2day had to block her today. I couldn't bare hearing the story.

It was like a reminder how stupid I had been. It hurt what she/he said. But I keep telling myself he's going to say what he can.
and of course I'm crazy I found out he was lying and didn't stand for it.

I do miss the constant texting and speaking to him. But that's the routine I miss not him

Duvetday2day · 07/02/2019 20:14

@lifegoes Yes it will be the routine. He will be clenching at straws trying to save his marriage, and make it out like it wasn’t his fault. He’s just upset he was caught...
find some you deserve to be with, not someone who is going to make your life a misery and treat you as their secret!

lifegoes · 07/02/2019 20:16

@Duvetday2day I hope I do. I think I'll question everyone now and always go with my gut. No idea why or how I believed he was separated. Looking back now - of course he wasn't 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 08/02/2019 04:56

Morning everyone Flowers and hello to those of you who've just joined. Sorry you're here Flowers

Am a bit incredulous at how lousy some of these ex's are... why does it happen like that so often? They're just so wrapped up in their own lives/feelings that they can't see how they're hurting others? It's certainly what happened with my exH. It's a good point lifegoes about the routine that you miss. Important to separate that out from missing the actual person. Just one of the horribly painful things about heartbreak.

Have you all got plans for the weekend? I hope you find time to do something proactive; exercise, getting out the house, cinema, taking stuff to a charity shop whatever it might be to help stop the inevitable ruminating. Duvet and Naps how are you both doing today? xx

OP posts:
Napssavelives · 08/02/2019 06:25

I slept last night so feeling less dead. Booked me and the kids a 4 day break in Butlin’s over half term, not my ideal holiday but will be plenty for the to do and we have got a dining package too so no cooking. We just need to get away. Have to see husband Saturday and Sunday this weekend and I know it’s going to break me. I’m working on Saturday, told he can’t stay over then he’s back Sunday morning as it’s my sons birthday party as we have to pretend to be a happy family. It’s shit.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 08/02/2019 08:06

Ah shit, Naps. Birthday party Sad do what you need to do to get through. In times when I'm hurting for my DDs I just tell myself "they have 2 loving parents, they're lucky". Important to remember, I feel.... Am always looking for the positives. It sounds like you're setting boundaries though, however small it's a step in the right direction. And you have your holiday to look forward to. Butlins is fab for kids, and if it's Bognor you have the lovely big beach to mess around on, breathe the air etc.

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 08/02/2019 10:16

@namechangedbutneedadvice
I’m ok (ish). still waiting for my ex (maybe) to collect his and the DSC belongings, which should be today. He’s been acting quite “normal” last few days, ringing me, chatting about random stuff. I don’t answer sometimes now, it’s messing with my heads. We (or should I say he) collects the DSC, don’t have a clue what his plans are, if he’s taking them to his (empty) house, or home. His EX messaged to say 2 of them are poorly too, so I need to tell him that. But just waiting for him to contact me. Feeling quite anxious, as I don’t know what to expect from the weekend.

You meeting you ex later tonight? How you feeling.

@napssavelives glad you got some sleep. And well done for booking a holiday, that will prob do you the world of good! Plus you’ve set boundaries! Hope this shows him and you what strong stuff your made of.

Duvetday2day · 08/02/2019 10:18

@lifegoes
That’s the problem, we go through relationships / life with blinkers. Only when you step away, you realise what was truly going on!

lifegoes · 08/02/2019 10:19

@Duvetday2day he was just too good with the lies and honestly I probably wanted to believe him.

But I've learnt that if something doesn't feel right, chances are it isn't right.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 08/02/2019 18:50

Duvet you're doing the right thing by disengaging slowly slowly. How can you really move on if you're still so involved in everything?! So much is out of your control at the moment but you're steadily taking back some control for yourself which can only be a good thing.

Yes am just getting ready to meet him. I've got a babysitter so will need to be back which is good... really not sure how this evening will go will let you know x

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 08/02/2019 21:49

@namechangedbutneedadvice
Hope your having a nice evening / night off? Make sure you let us know how you get on?

I know exactly. It’s like one day it’s end, the next is normal, the next he’s missing. It’s a (not so) magical roundabout which I can’t get off. Guess who’s here... him and the 3DC again!! I’m not complaining about the SDC but it’s like a weekend of family life again, which just hurts. The DSC keep saying stuff too “I love you and daddy, I can’t wait to live here.” “Without you daddy would forget things” “Daddy is lucky to have you, as that means I can go to football, and you do lots of fun things with us” He didn’t collect any stuff, and realised late on he had nothing. How someone can forget they don’t have clothes, toys, beds for the kids is beyond me. We’ve not even spoke tonight apart from about the boys. He said he will leave tomorrow. I said He can’t just do that, as that’s just confusing for the DSC, is that wrong?

lifegoes · 08/02/2019 23:28

So he called today. I refused to answer and let it go to VM. I wanted to hear his excuse or abuse, but I was strong and said no.

I've felt strong all day.

But now I'm sat thinking what if...

It doesn't help my friends are pushing me get on online dating. I'm not ready for all the above reasons. But what did he want?

Napssavelives · 10/02/2019 03:50

I always panic in the early hours of the morning, how will we cope, how will u support the boys. I read a post about someone who’s just given birth and the boyfriend left her when pregnant and she felt detached and tearful. What if that is me? What if I have this baby and it hits me all over again what he’s done and I can’t bond with him because I’m still grieving the loss of my marriage. I’ve always fallen instantly in love with my children, never felt low.. always high and couldn’t get enough of them. I’m terrified I’m going to fall into post natal Depression and be unable to cope