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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A heartbreak support thread

316 replies

namechangedbutneedadvice · 28/01/2019 20:37

I'm currently on day 7 of heartbreak central... split with my boyfriend of 16 months. It was a messy, semi-mutual ending but I still love him though know there's no way back from here. He's done. It's less than 2 years since I split with my husband (his 2nd affair) and I think the way I feel is a build up of heartbreak but it's just absolutely awful. It's a physical pain, totally distracting, I feel sick, no appetite at all, tearful, not sleeping. It's intolerable.

I posted a different thread about my situation but wanted to get some of us together for some support. I know I could do with some but I know it's helpful to support others too. Would you care to join? A place to offload and hopefully find a way forward xx

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 05:08

5am... DD1 came into my bed (lovely Smile) and now I can't sleep as I'm ruminating again (ugh Sad)

Hi Glosstwit Flowers what a difficult situation. Aside from your strong feelings for this man, you've spoken every day for 6 years so you also have to do the uber hard thing of changing your patterns of behaviour. That's what I'm finding hard too; not a day went by when we didn't speak or text morning, noon and night. The last 4 days going NC have been so incredibly hard. You passed out from crying? I can believe it... it's astonishing how painful heartbreak is. This feels almost as bad as when I first had my heart broken at 14 Sad oh god the pain of that... how will you distract yourself today? If you don't have anyone to talk to IRL come here x

Ragcat you sound so strong in really difficult circumstances. What a shitty way for your exH to behave! It just goes to show though, the mental clarity you can get from being by yourself. I just hope you have support. I felt like you when I finished with my husband then crashed. Now I've crashed again. I shouldn't have embarked on this relationship so soon but my ex (not my exH) was just so special. And supportive through the difficult times SadSad

OP posts:
Napssavelives · 29/01/2019 05:15

Joins. DH hit me with this bombshell 3.5 weeks ago and isn’t sure what he wants, isn’t sure if he wants me or even wants to try make it work. He’s living in hotels leaving me with our 2 children and I’m 20 weeks pregnant, I had to go to our 2 week scan alone after he refused to come home. I’m beyond broken ,although the continues sobbing has stopped I keel randomly breaking down. I’m trying to be strong for my 2 kids and the baby but it’s hard. They think daddy is working away and I’m trying my hardest to try fix this, tearing myself apart. I still love him, I love him so much and I’m terrified for our future. The baby will be here soon and everything is so uncertain

Napssavelives · 29/01/2019 05:17

We are also still having contact, up until a week ago we’d hsd sex a couple of times, the boundaries are so blurred, he says he still loves me but not like I want him to. We are both still very attracted to each other and I feel that if we can learn to communicate better things could be fixed but maybe in denial. This is all such a shock, he says he’s been unhappy for a while but his actions don’t really match his words

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 05:22

Oh Napssavelives Flowers good grief. You've got an incredible amount going on. So many hugs to you... you must be absolutely knackered apart from being in a horrible limbo. There were 2 weeks (including a 10 day holiday Sad) when I had to pretend to my two DDs that their dad and I were still together. I cried so much in private that holiday. So I can really empathise with the burden of the lie. Who have you got to support you?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 05:24

Just seen your other message... gosh sounds like he wants everything and nothing at the same time. What a monumental headf**k... must be so hard to deal with that. I imagine all your strength is going on the kids and making it through the day...

OP posts:
Napssavelives · 29/01/2019 05:31

Yep. I wake most days and start crying and wondering how I’m going to get us all through in one piece. He comes home on a Sunday morning before the kids work so that I can work, I want him to come home and I stupidly think he’ll be different and it hurts me. I’m so powerless in all of this

Napssavelives · 29/01/2019 05:32

I have good friends and I’ve been referred to an antenatal group of extra support, I’m broken

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 05:41

Napssavelives the situation must be absolutely intolerable and exhausting. It's good that you have support. Sounds like there are no boundaries whatsoever for him. This might sound like a stupid comment but do you have space/time to do nice things for yourself at the moment? Even just 15 minutes for a sit down cup of tea and bump cuddle? I'm just thinking that it can't hurt to remind yourself that you're worthy, deserving of respect and beloved by your babies x

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Napssavelives · 29/01/2019 06:50

I try to but it’s incredibly hard, I feel worthless. I hate myself

Greenmum2019 · 29/01/2019 07:16

Morning

Sorry I was so upset last night..... Got puffy eyes today!

It happened last night. I had to finish it... Even though he is the one who's feelings have changed.

This morning he has left for work without a word to me.

I don't know what to do from here on..... Just carry on as normal. But without engaging with him until we have a plan for him moving out?

Sorry I'm a mess and not offering you lot any support.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 09:03

Morning ladies. Anyone else shattered from lack of sleep?

Napssavelives it is totally understandable to feel awful about yourself. But to hate yourself? You must challenge that. Please write down at least one thing that is great about you. I bet there are 100s.

Greenmum oh I remember that stage with my exH. It's so raw and unbelievable and heartbreaking. Don't apologise... we're all grieving and it's hard to even function some days. Just start your day as best you can... have a cup of tea (sweet coffee if you're struggling to eat) and a sit down if you can x

OP posts:
Glosstwit · 29/01/2019 09:06

Morning.

Didn't get much sleep but haven't for a while. We are supposed to talk today, just terrified it will be for the last time.

Greenmum2019 · 29/01/2019 09:22

💐🌺🌸🌹🌻🌼🌷

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 09:37

Glosstwit deep breaths

OP posts:
DuvetDay2day · 29/01/2019 09:46

@glosstwit yes it’s so hard we had the “talk” last week, and I still didn’t feel like he was committed to his decision / feelings.

@namechangedbutneedadvice yes I don’t feel like I’ve slept last night, still in bed, need to surface!

@greenmum2019 Flowers I feel the same, his feelings have changed, but I’m the one that needs to make the final decision??

Why do (most) men just run away from their problems? And not have that commitment to a decision or a feeling? Or is that just my blurred perspective?

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 10:00

Duvetday you're living up to your name so far today then Smile. It can't hurt at all. It's certainly my experience of my exH... he was having an on/off affair for 6 years. Kept going back to her when things 'were bad between us'... not that he ever mentioned that to me. I literally had to drag any kind of conversation about our relationship out of him. I guess then, the other partner is inevitably left with the burden that they don't want to take responsibility for. What are your plans for today?

I'm on tenterhooks at the moment. I - maybe stupidly - sent my ex an email this morning saying "is there no way back from this? I still love you do you feel the same?" Ugh... there are many things left unsaid about our ending. It was so reactive and all over text. I need to know as it will help me move forward. But I feel sick. He also said that he would post some of my things back to me so that's like an anvil over my head that I'll get a package in the post and it will reduce me to tears.

I can't stand this... If this doesn't resolve itself I am off men for a long time. I'm too bruised and can't stand this pain.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 29/01/2019 10:11

Don't beat yourself up about the email. You needed to send it and although it doesn't feel like it now, it'll help you move on.

You sound lovely by the way op Flowers

DuvetDay2day · 29/01/2019 10:12

@namechangedbutneedadvice I just feel mentally and physically drained at the moment . The cleaner is due today, so I am going to surface today, and try and do some work from home. It’s snowing here, so too cold to leave the house!

I feel like to get any form of reliable / honest communication out of DP, I have to push and push, and ask over and over again, and then finally snap (if he doesn’t cave before). Then most of the time it’s just a “comforting” or “unreliable” answer, which is so open ended. The more I push, the more I’m nagging, and then the less he wants to talk.

Oh dear OP, do you think you will get a reply? It is horrible when things are left unsaid and the communication isn’t done face to face. I hope your DP has the respect to reply, and not to post your things, as that is such a cruel way of doing things. People need to communicate about these things, respect and deal with it, despite the outcome. Not run away and hide behind a postage stamp.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 10:20

Myheartbelongsto thank you Flowers and thanks for being so lovely Smile it's so reassuring to read your message. I need my big girl pants today. I hope you're here out of kindness and not because you're heartbroken too xx

Duvetday I hope I get a reply. He's a very straightforward person but who knows. I'm working from home too in between mumsnetting and work has been a saving grace for me this past week. Snow forecast later on here.... Stay warm!

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thinkingaboutfostering · 29/01/2019 10:22

Morning all. So sorry to see so many others going through this too.

Called in sick to work as couldn't face it. Still in bed. I'm hungry but no food in the house and no money left to buy any. No word from my former friend. Don't know how I'm going to face everything in front of me without her.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 29/01/2019 10:29

Morning thinking hugs to you. It's a good idea to call in sick I think... you need time to look after yourself. Do you have any plans for today? So sorry about your food situation, I hope you can get something soon. Are work being decent and supportive about your diagnosis?

OP posts:
Greenmum2019 · 29/01/2019 10:56

@duvetday it's so unfair of them. I'm. Broken but need to be the strong one to guide us all through this.

Greenmum2019 · 29/01/2019 10:57

Ladies

I'm. In bed watching friends. It's making me chuckle and then I cry... Chuckle... Cry!!

Greenmum2019 · 29/01/2019 11:03

thinkingaboutfostering

He sounds like a real low life.

How do we get our heads around someone capable of deserting you when you are facing cancer.

Theneverendingcleaningcycle · 29/01/2019 11:09

Can I join? My partner of 2 years left inbetween Xmas and new years. For the past month he's been casually dating me having moved out to focus on his career. It's been a rough month. Then on Sat dumped me via text saying it was all to stressful.
My dd is 3 and though he wasn't her bio dad has known her since she was 1 and refered to her as his. He's not seen her in over a month and doesn't seem to care.
I just really miss him.