A heartbreak support thread

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

I'm currently on day 7 of heartbreak central... split with my boyfriend of 16 months. It was a messy, semi-mutual ending but I still love him though know there's no way back from here. He's done. It's less than 2 years since I split with my husband (his 2nd affair) and I think the way I feel is a build up of heartbreak but it's just absolutely awful. It's a physical pain, totally distracting, I feel sick, no appetite at all, tearful, not sleeping. It's intolerable.

I posted a different thread about my situation but wanted to get some of us together for some support. I know I could do with some but I know it's helpful to support others too. Would you care to join? A place to offload and hopefully find a way forward xx

Naps the night times are the hardest and there's so much scope for worrying with pregnancy let alone what's happening for you right now. I can't tell you what will happen but will tell you this: when I was pregnant with DD2 I worried so much that I'd never love the baby as much as DD1. Just felt so sad. My grandma said something very wise and true "they bring their own love with them". I think though that they bring you strength with them too. Even if all that means is you just have to keep going for them so you somehow manage to. Then look back and realise how strong you were at the time. I said it before but I'm sure that will happen for you in the future with your situation. In practical terms, just think what you can do to help yourself for when the baby arrives... tell people you'll need practical help. Take all the shortcuts you can and don't feel guilty about it. Talk to your GP now and perhaps get some counselling. You're amazing and whilst it won't be easy, you can do this mama xxx

Please may I join...?

I'm utterly broken. DP and I have been together almost 5 years. We have a 3 year old DD. Our relationship has been difficult for probably a year now. Nothing major (or so I think) just silly rows, too much drinking, not communicating well, poor health... We had a big row about a month ago and he wanted to leave then. I took my DD and went to stay with my mum for a few days to give him space and in the hope of him changing his mind. He had me back home after 3 days saying he missed us both and he agreed to put everything in the past and start a fresh.

Since then we've been getting on ok (or so I thought), not majorly loved up but relaxed around each other, spending time together, still unhappy in the sense of our own issues but sticking together.

Friday afternoon I send him a normal message after talking throughout the day like we usually do. I said something along the lines of "not long to go now then you'll be home for the weekend" he then replied "Yeah great, to do the same thing it's boring" I was a bit like, what?? Then were messaging back and forth, he's saying "things have gone off the boil" "it's never going to get better" "it's gone too far, I want to get my own place" he was withdrawn and not speaking to me all that evening and I left it because I was scared and tired and not wanting to get into a row where I inevitably end up crying and begging him and making myself look like a needy mess.

This whole weekend has been hell. We've been in separate rooms, only talking through message. Me being upset and begging him to change his mind, him only saying things like he's moving out, the spark has gone, there's nothing there, he loves me but he's not happy, he doesn't want to try anymore...

I'm in the biggest state I've ever been in. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't be a proper mum to our DD. I'm just so desperate for him to stay and make things right with me like we said we would do.

The worst thing is, him moving out isn't an option for god knows how long. I'm a SAHM (council property in my name, he works FT) and we live month to month on his wages and we have no savings. I can't cope with being under the same roof as someone who's thrown me away like this. He won't talk or reconsider. I can't act like nothings happened, my whole world is over. I have no friends I can talk to. And although my mum lives close I can't stay with her, she doesn't have the room and quite frankly I'm ashamed.

What the fuck am I going to do? I feel so broken and lost. Like all my insides have been ripped out and stuffed back in. I just want him to want me so much, I can't even allow myself to actually believe that this is really happening. In my mind he HAS to change his mind, I just can't believe he will actually do this to me and leave me with nothing. We only got engaged in August please help me xx

I sob for my children in the middle of the night, especially my eldest boy. He’s 6, he’ll understand and he’s such a kind and sensitive little soul and he’s going to be absolutely heartbroken

Morning all

Bettybahooky sorry to read your post but you're very welcome here. What a shock for it to come out of the blue like that from him after everything seeming fine. I really understand the raw awful pain of heartache. It's a matter of getting by... take care of yourself, let the tears come when they need to, hot sweet tea if you can't eat. Could you talk to the council about what options you have? Or Citizens Advice? Do you have a good support network? So much love to you xx

Naps another sleepless night huh? The impact on children has to be the worst thing about it all. Yes they do hurt but they really are more resilient than we think... that's what my counsellor told me; be careful not to project your own feelings onto your DDs. Give them space to talk but don't assume. And my two little sensitive souls have turned out to be incredibly resilient. What have you got planned for today?

My situation: we met up on Friday and talked things through. We back together and giving it another go. Slowly slowly. Guess then technically I shouldn't be here anymore but will keep checking in. My feelings about my divorce still keep surfacing so I can understand the awful pain. Plus I want to see you all rise up once again to the goddesses/gods you are xxx

@namechangedbutneedadvice
Glad your in a better place now, and things are working out for you.

@napssavelives
Aww hate that your not sleeping, is there anything you could do to help? Swimming in the day, Horlicks? Your not letting the DC down don’t forget that. As “name” said they are resilient, and your a strong person. Tell them, and they will have their own questions, and deal with it in their own little way.

@bettybahooky
At the minute everything will seem confusing, stressful, upsetting and you will be going through a rollercoaster of emotions. Hopefully when the shock has passed, things will seem a bit clearer, how you feeling today?
Try and speak to COuncil, check what your entitied to, make a plan, lists help me.

I’ve just spent the weekend with EX(DP) and DSC it’s been nice and normal, yet again. It was hard saying goodbye to them again. I didn’t try and talk to him about the situation, as I think we are done talking. My DG passed away yesterday to. Hopefully this week I will get some clarity, it’s horrible living in this situation, loving someone who doesn’t know if they love you back and doesn’t want to be with you, no emotion, affection or anything.

I hear you @Duvetday2day . I’ve found the withdrawal on emotion and affection very difficult to deal with. Today is a just getting though the day kind of day. I dropped the kids at school, had a quick coffee with friends, drs for whooping cough vaccine, food shopping. Will have lunch soon then do some painting to keep busy. I’m tired and everything hurts today. I want to protect my kids from pain but I don’t think I can

@napssavelives
It’s horrible as you either look at him at feel a moment of hate, like why are you doing this? Want to shake and scream at them. Then the next you remember who they “where” With then being so withdrawn, but acting like everything is normal is hard. I would love to protect the DSC, but I know you can’t.
Atleast you keeping busy, trying to keep going. Hope the party was ok yesterday?
I need to find some motivation to get some jobs done today, but I’m just so tired and cold!

I did my jobs this morning now laid on the sofa crying. So sad today. I survived the party. It’s all so hard and I don’t see how I’m going to get me and the kids through this

Over a week in. I'm getting there, doesn't help the wife contacted me over the weekend. I wish they would leave me alone (she's blocked on everything by the way) rang me on withheld 🤬

but I keep having these moment of thinking about things he said and how she's still asking if he's been in touch.

@napssavelives glad to hear you survived the party. It is hard, and hopefully it will get better, your doing a great job and your stronger than you believe. Your ex needs to sort things out, give you and DC a routine and closure. Hope your ok? I slept all afternoon on the sofa! After crying. Prob not going to sleep much tonight

@lifegoes
Glad your getting there. She needs to get a grip and stop involving you, if she calls again, just tell her your moving on with your life, and suggests she does the same. The trust is obviously gone in their relationship.

@Duvetday2day I don't even know why she's asking me or contacting me. She had the audacity to say at the end of the call "leave me alone now" 👀

It just put thoughts in my mind, why ask me, is he seeing other women?

I am heartbroken and I am struggling to want to live. For over 2 years I have loved my partner who has come and gone from my life. He has lived with me for the past 6 months and now he has left he says he loves me as a friend. He is not in love with me. He’s not feeling anything sexually for me. How do I get over that? I can’t cope without him.

Oh @Daisy0508 that's awful. Did he say why or were there any signs it was coming?

It will get easier, I'm only a week in but I've found keeping busy and talking with friends has helped.

@lifegoes
Hopefully she listens to herself then! At least your keeping busy, but there will always be moments where you stop to think.

@Daisy0508
That’s awful, no wonder your feeling so down and heartbroken. It’s hard to comprehend when you love someone so much, and you thought they loved you back. I’m in the same boat, “he loves me as a friend, but not in love with me” and doesn’t seem me as a girlfriend anymore. It has ripped my whole world apart. I won’t tell you it’s not heartbreaking because it is, but it does get easier ( I think) and there is a lot of support here.

It’s Daisy0508 changed my username. He has said this before he met someone else once but then came back. He says he needs to work on himself and isn’t in a position to love right now.

I was in an abusive marriage for 18 years married for 13 of them. He is the first person I’ve ever met we’re I have felt safe and loved. I didn’t even have that from my parents. I genuinely do t know how to cope without him in my life. If I didn’t have my girls asleep next door I wouldn’t wake up tomor.

I’m sorry I read all your messages and you must think I’m pathetic but I can’t do it all again. It took all my strength ending my marriage my husband was abusive I had to have a restraining order he ruined me financially. I picked myself up I work full time I look after the girls and I met someone I seen a happy future with. I can’t go through the heartbreak again. I can’t pick myself up again I don’t have any strength left.

Feel a. It of an intruder atm as lm not in this situation but have been several times. Have felt like l can hardly breathe, felt sheer fear and panic, the lot. Its awful awful awful. If it offers any shred of comfort to anyone on here l will say that personally l wouldn't now touch any of my exes with someone else's bargepole yet at the time l really thought l would die.
So it's the oldest cliche in the book but time does heal. A while ago my DH said in a heated argument that he'd been thinking of leaving me (because of this issue we'd been arguing over) and l was distraught and instantly felt all the crushing feelings of sheer panic. We made up and he admitted that he only said it to hurt me as he was so angry at me (we were both being very hurtful tbf and it is an emotive subject concerning family that we can't seem agree on) and l do believe him that he didn't mean it. But it just reminded me how awful that feeling is. I hope you all find the strength to get through this and what a good idea for a thread because l think it is one of societies much underestimated traumas that we go through there seems to be an attitude that so and so was bereaved, so and so is homeless or is very ill etc etc so you should just pull yourself together but it's not that easy at all. Thinking of anyone struggling with this right now x.

@Deidre17
We don’t think your pathetic. Your someone who’s heart has broken. At this present moment in time you don’t think your a strong person, but you are. You left an abusive marriage, and you have DC who I’m sure you’ve been strong for, and will continue to be strong for. I too left an abusive relationship, and have other broken relationships, this time I thought it was different, that we had a future, and it’s horrible when all that seems to be snatched from you, and your feeling still remain.
As @Bahhhhhumbug said right now things are horrible, but things do get better. You just need to take each day as it comes, cry when you what, get angry, and let the emotions come. We are all here in the same boat, and it’s hard. You may one day look back at this and think, why did it hurt so much? A PP said, sometimes it’s the routine of being with that person that you miss the most. Hope you ok.

Thank you bahh I understand what you say completely. I look back on my previous (not this) and think why did I cry all them tears, for a man who didn’t deserve it. I too think people say things sometimes that they don’t mean, because they just want to spontaneously hurt that person, don’t think of the long term consequences, or just find it the easier option.

Thank you this is helpful. I just want him to say he doesn’t means it that is a mistake. I don’t understand when we have so much together he still thinks there is more.

Thanks Duvet yes it's one of the most bewildering parts of it and you go over and over what you did wrong or what you said to make them go from professing eternal love to nothing. I convinced myself after a couple of painful break ups that there was something about me that partners only noticed after a while that was making them go off me It does destroy your self esteem but often it is as you say the other person saying things too readily and easily in the first place,its not usually anyone's 'fault'.
A counsellor once told me that often women especially, come out of a relationship that's gone bad particularly when their partner was abusive and they mourn for the lovely person they met, the side they fell in love with etc. before the other side of the person came out. But she said we need to remember that this was one person not two and that person wasn't who we thought they were. There's no fastrack to recovery but that greatly helped me get over one in particular who became very abusive l just kept reminding myself this was who he really was, there wasn't another nice person to him, that person was abusive.

@Bahhhhhumbug I can totally relate that to that.

After a few short flings I started to look at reasons that I had done. Even convinced myself it was because I was over over weight (size 12 btw) or that my legs were too fat.

After the last one even though he lied and was actually quite an awful person. I still now think about the good times and things he said. But it's getting easier.

@Deidre17 it doesn't feel it right now, you will go through so many emotions. But one thing I've learnt is... one man isn't your life. He is one man. Whatever his reasons for ending it. He's hurt you and when you start to heal you won't ever forgive him for this pain.

You have a wonderful child. So every day you put one foot in front of the other. You live the routines, you sleep, you cry. Until one day you don't cry as much and then not at all. You get dressed, you laugh a little. No man is worth this pain that's he's caused you. And believe me, if he came back now and said ok let's get back together. It would stop the pain, but you would question why in a few weeks. You would want to know why and you would live in fear that any time he could do the same again.

Checking in. Still alive. Another 3am wake up here, no tears but head going crazy. I don’t know why o don’t jusg tell him to tell the kids and get it over with. It’s clealry over. He’s withdrawn from me so much.

Hi everyone,
Why is it so hard to get over them? 7 months later and I should be doing better. I keep blaming myself. How can he move on so quickly.. he’s renting a place with her after 3 months together, it’s ridiculous.
What does she have that I/we didn’t after 11 years together. Just feel like a failiure x

So today has been hard. I don't know why after giving advice last night to others on here.

Today I can't stop thinking about him, I know he's done me wrong. But I keep thinking how much he must hate me for blowing his lies up. I don't like that he hates me. I also unblocked him and seen he still has me blocked on everything.

I'm not sure why it's hurting today so much. I keep thinking that he'll have other women now. I have old messages and I read through them earlier and how there was a time he replied to me and it was obvious it wasn't for me. Yet I let it go.

I hate that o obv meant nothing to him, when I thought I had found the one