A heartbreak support thread

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

I'm currently on day 7 of heartbreak central... split with my boyfriend of 16 months. It was a messy, semi-mutual ending but I still love him though know there's no way back from here. He's done. It's less than 2 years since I split with my husband (his 2nd affair) and I think the way I feel is a build up of heartbreak but it's just absolutely awful. It's a physical pain, totally distracting, I feel sick, no appetite at all, tearful, not sleeping. It's intolerable.

I posted a different thread about my situation but wanted to get some of us together for some support. I know I could do with some but I know it's helpful to support others too. Would you care to join? A place to offload and hopefully find a way forward xx

Ah Duvet I'm so sorry. Oh the hurt... hugs this will be a low. He obviously needs to go off and do whatever it is he needs. Trail of destruction in his wake...

Do what you need to do this evening... bed, cry, wallow, scream... you must put yourself first now. The DSC will have their memories and will remember how you made them feel and then it is only a matter of time before they're able to make their own choices and contact you of their own volition. I know it's a small recompense and probably means nothing right now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It WILL NOT last forever x

@namechangedbutneedadvice
Thank you for your kind words.
The boys have known me since they where babies, they are only 5 now. DP split with their mum before she knew she was pregnant with the twins. The eldest was 18months when they where born. It was a tough few years in the beginning, as I was in a new relationship, and kind of thrown into motherhood. After a series of MC and a stillborn with my ex years before it was hard. Most of my RIL friends, told me I was making a huge mistake, so I lost a lot of friendships over it. However I don’t regret it, as hard as it is now.
What hurts the most, is knowing he’s not in a good place. The DSC don’t have a great home life with the RM, that’s not me being bitter towards the EX. They don’t have a great home, attend a horrific school, they hate it their. She doesn’t do Christmas presents, homework, anything with them other than YouTube and Netflix. Here they had stability, bedrooms, I did homework every week, reading, days out, parks, baking and cooking. We had started the ball rolling for full custody, and once we moved we was starting the process. Mediation had already been completed, which saw me granted as their primary contact, so not contact between DP and EX. It’s all such a mess, so many lives are being destroyed and uprooted!
It took me 2-3 years to build my life back after my EX, it was hard. I changed jobs, moved location, house etverything to give me a fresh start, and that has all just been crushed again. I know this won’t last forever, but just remembering the struggle makes me so ill!

@Foreveelexicon
Welcome, we are all in the same boat, no matter how long our relationship was. The struggle is horrible!

Thank you. What I’m struggling with is that I genuinely thought we had such a connection and yes the start was a little tough (we both work shifts and there’s a little distance beteeen us) but it was just when things were looking to improve that she ended it. So I just don’t understand. We literally met up, had the loveliest night and then the next day she said it wouldn’t work because of those reasons. And I just don’t understand.

I mean I know in my heart of hearts that if she liked me enough then the effort wouldn’t be an issue. But I wish instead of sitting there saying she really likes me but she doesn’t think it can work because of x y and z, she’d said sorry I’m not feeling it. I’m incredibly determined and willing to go to real lengths to make stuff I want happen (in all aspects of my life) so getting beaten by practical reasons kills me. Plus I have a terrible habit of seeing the best in people I like so I refuse to believe she’s telling anything but the truth.

@Foreverlexicon
Just remember that connection you had with that person, and hopefully in time your heart will heal, and you find it with someone who will make the effort and overcome the practical issues. Hope your feeling better today?

How is everyone else getting on?

Hi Foreverlexicon sorry you're here I don't think the duration of the relationship equates to the intensity of the heartbreak. It's why I started this thread, my relationship was/is (ugh) only 16 months and the heartbreak was utterly gut wrenching (though mixed up with delayed hurt from my divorce). The not understanding is torturous, so many hugs to you. How have you been feeling today? Are you full NC with her now?

Duvet I've been thinking of you today. What an incredible thing you've done for those boys I can understand why it's so difficult. Knowing everything they will lose... I'm so sorry. I hope the GP was helpful. What kind of day have you had today? Feeling a bit stronger I hope xxx

Hope everyone else is doing ok xxx

@namechangedneedadvice
Today has been a fine example of the British weather, sunshine, showers, thunderstorm and cold all in 24hours. I had a bad sleep, GP appointment went ok through, phases returned to work, continue with tablets and counselor tomorrow. I’m like you, this heartbreak has unsurfaced a lot of previous wounds.
However my ex tried ringing a lot this morning, and text. I didn’t get chance to reply, as I was asleep then rushing to my app. When I got home, he was at my house. He was worried about me, so he spent a few hours with me! Making me food, looking after me. It was odd, in the end I asked him to leave. Since then he has been messaging quite a few times, I’ve not replied, apart from to say I’m ok. Hope you’ve had a nice day xx

Crikey what's that about... how delightfully vague Nice though that he's done that but not helpful for you to move on. The GP's plan for work sounds very good. Glad you've got good support from that side of things. Day at a time...

My day's been nice as I've spent time with each of my girls for different reasons (and found out DD2 doesn't have coeliac disease which is a relief). I spoke to my ex last night... it's all skirting around the issue. I honestly can't tell if it's the friend zone or not or even what I want now. Have just felt grateful today for many things.

@namechangedbutneedadvice
That’s great news about your daughter, and that you’ve got to spend some time with them. I think that what I miss, gone from a crazy household, to such a peaceful mess free (some people’s dream). Looking at local gyms with swimming facilities, hopefully can do that in an evening.

The friend zone is so hard to do, when clearly one person has more romantic feeling towards that person, and wants more. I think I’m also in the “zone” hence why the caring side came out today, alothough he did say he loves me. He’s here again tomorrow evening to collect some things for the business and children’s belongings ready for the weekend.

It's all relative... the peace and quiet must be a real challenge. I think joining a gym is a great idea and swimming is a real cure all...

The friend zone... this is the grey area that makes it all the harder. I hope you can try and put some emotional distance between you both xx

Naps am thinking of you too. Hope your day hasn't been too bad xx

It was ok , my eldest son was very upset as missing daddy. Was heartbreaking, they still don’t know. I’m so hurt and angry at my husband for doing this and can’t help but think he’s been entirely selfish

Currently sobbing about the prospect of giving birth in my own :(

Morning all

Naps yes by the sounds of it he IS being entirely selfish. Spectacularly so. Really and truly. No wonder you're sobbing and the nightimes are the hardest. I've been in a similar place, not sleeping then being woken up by my little ones and being shattered but needing to keep it together. I can't remember if you already have support but would you consider counselling? You should put some strong support mechanisms in place if you haven't already... counselling, talk to your GP, local mums, friends, family, an NCT type group. One day you will look back on this time in your life and marvel at how you did it all. You're amazing don't forget it xxx

Hi everyone,
Wanted to join this thread, sounds like you’re all going through similar shite to me.

Was with my husband 11 years, married a year and he left 10 days after our first wedding anniversary.. 7 weeks before I was due to come off the pill to start a family, 28 and going through a divorce, I feel like a failure. He left in July, so it’s been 7 months and I’m so much stronger than I was then but god it’s SO hard.
He left purely because he said “He didn’t feel the fire in his belly for me anymore” and “You deserve so much better than me and I’m doing you a favour” YAWN.
I’ve gone NC but he called me last week off an unknown number and started crying down the phone and saying how he hopes he’s made the right decision but thinks I’ll be happier .. then telling me how he still has a photo of me in his wallet that he will keep there forever ... HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND FFS that he’s been with since 3 months after leaving! So that’s taken me back a few steps. His mum and sister have invited me out with them this weekend for dinner (just girls) and he messaged me today to say he didn’t think it was a good idea I saw them as it’ll make it harder for me.. twat. Thankfully I’ve been able to buy him out the property and I’m very lucky that I have a wonderful network of friends and family and a good job to keep me focused.
I hate him, I love him, just petrified I’ll never meet anyone or have a family now.

Hi, hope it's ok to join this thread.

Had a rough few days, not sure if my threads have been seen but overview:

been with a guy for a few months, I was overwhelmed by how he seemed to be perfect for me. Everything I had looked for. Things started to get sour when he told me time and time again he was 100% separated from his wife, but my gut was screaming he was lying.

I ended up asking his wife as he was saying I'd been disloyal to him (cheating, I hadn't) I needed to know for my own mind. Turns out he's not separated. She knows now and they are doing whatever they need to do (none of my business)

But to go from having this mutual admiration for each other to finding out he's a vile compulsive liar. It's staring to hurt now that it's over.

Feel I need a hug and told it will get better

Hey I'm really sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I've been with my partner for 3 years. Before Christmas I found out hed slept with someone else 3 times and hes been on a sex site called local slags! Which is absolutely disgusting!! I hate him for what hes done I'm nearly 30 and I really wana try for a baby I do love him so much but now I'm so scared. He has changed hes making the effort to be with me showing me he fucked up basically! I need someone to tell me its gonna be ok!

@napsavelives
He is being selfish, and he needs to understand the responsibility of being a parent, your doing a great job keeping it together. Do you have anyone who could be there with you? Parents, siblings, friends? Hopefully he is in a position in a few months time, to put yours and the babies needs first, and can support you.

@missbee90
Welcome. It sounds like he is realising the grass isn’t greener. You’ve been strong up to now, and sound like you have a great support network. I would go out with his family, doesn’t matter what he says, they have invited you, and you was part of their lives too. I feel the same, petrified that I won’t have a family, or long loving relationship. Everyone keeps saying your young...

@lifegoes doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, it still hurts. Especially when you loved that person that’s betrayed you. Good on you for finding out though!

@lozy01 sorry that he’s been a cheating i**t, I’m not surprised you hate him, he has betrayed you and your trust. All I would say is staying with someone who has broken your trust is hard. He believes he can’t get away with stuff, and you will always struggle to trust him. I know you want a baby (so do I) but I don’t think you should stay with someone for that purpose.

Thank you so much for your reply I was driving home suddenly thinking you know what this Is such a toxic relationship its unreal!! I keep thinking why didn't you leave him when you found out!! I kick myself on a daily basis! You get the same shit I've changed they cry you feel bad and forgive them! I'm at my last end I really don't think I can do it anymore! I really don't

@Duvetday2day I don’t see my family, I have good friends nearby but I don’t want to rely on them too much . He said I was needy and needed him more than He’s ever needed me and now I’m concious of being needy and pathetic.

One of my friends can potentially be there but her husband works away a lot, a lot of my other close friends don’t live close enough. It’s scary. I’m so sad for the kids :(

Thanks so much for your reply @duvetday2day it really is so scary, can only hope there is a better life out there for us. Just hurts that someone who professed to love me so much even up until the morning he left can hurt and leave so easily, it’s just shite! Xx

Thank you @Duvetday2day

This is a good thread to share how we feel and have support

Well another night my ex has come round, acting like normal. But when I’ve tried to understand his behaviour and talk to him, he doesn’t talk, cries, and his back goes up. He was AGAIN meant to collect some of his and the boys belogings, but left empty handed. This is such a mind f**k!!
He said he wants “space” so I said are we on a break or single? I think that’s a rational question, but not to him!

@lozy01 if you can’t do it, can’t forgive, forget and trust again walk away. It will hurt at start, but it might be for the best.

@napssavelives You sound so strong! Hope you find some solution, have you spoke to your midwife? It’s so hard when there are DC involved. I keep thinking how my DSC are going to feel when they don’t come home this weekend.

@Missbee90 I hope so too, and that things get easier. I just want a loving relationship, respect and a family, I didn’t think that was a big ask, and thought I had it! I just don’t understand the male mine! Why can’t they speak up sooner, instead of expecting us to be mind readers?

Thank you for your comments it really does help make me feel stronger. I don't get it I don't understand how someone can hurt someone they say they love? Why cheat and then beg for your forgiveness? Why do they always cry!! That's why gets me I think hmm.. actually he means it this time I think hes got some sexual fantasy going on he needs attention from slaggy women on a sex site to make him feel good! I don't actually get it!!!

Beyond broken again this evening, he came to see the kids then left again. I wish he would just end it and put me out of my misery on the other I don’t want him to hurt my boys . I’m so broken

@napssavelives I feel broken tonight, and so angry!! I want the same end it, deal with all your sh*t and collect it or just work on the relationship! Hope the DC where ok? And you? Was there any communication? Can you make a brew and try watch some tv?

@Lozy01 I don’t know either, people do it. I don’t think I could ever cheat on a partner despite how they made me feel. I don’t think my DP (orExdp) has cheated. But my previous EX did in such a millicious way. We had suffered many MC and still born, he knocked some OW up, whilst I was pregnant. When I confronted him (on Christmas Eve) in the pub, he said he was staying with OW as atleast his baby wouldn’t die!! It broke me for years! I think they cry, as they don’t know how to communicate with words sometimes.