Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

HugoBearsMummy He has a choice at the point of jizzing up a vagina. That's his choice. That's where it ends. Equality doesn't mean being treated the same, it means being treated fairly. Pregnancy can never be equal because a man will never experience it. But that's beside this point and of no use to OP. And derailing isn't helpful to her.

I sincerely hope you don't teach your son that he can walk away from a pregnant partner if it doesn't suit him. And your daughter that she must submit to a man's demands regarding her sexual reproduction.

@HugoBearsMummy I agree with you.
To walk in to something knowing it's bad from the get go is very different to a relationship breaking down.
Sharing you dc with someone who hates you or you hate is hell on earth. To know that they can walk in and out, to be forever tied to their drama.

Why do that to yourself or a dc, very rather does that situation go well. I'm not saying don't have children with anyone ever, but anyone who has separate from their dc dad, how much pain and stress has that caused you? How many moments did you just feel you couldn't take anymore?

@Annickey I'm not saying at all you wouldn't of been a good parent, but what I'm asking is could you have dealt with parenting with him?
I get you regret the choice and that's fair but you sound like your very happy and secure, would that of happened if you had made a different choice? For a person to use killing himself to get his point across isn't someone I would ever deal with again

@mayathebeealldaylong I wish I had left him at kept the baby, he was not a good person. But I left him after the termination. I would have had to leave him to keep the baby, I imagined running away and not telling him where I had gone! Should have done it.

Hugo please consider how different your lives are.

Also, accept that sex is never 'safe' and stop blaming a woman in an extremely distressing position. I hear on here that some are not appreciating how extremely distressing this is for the OP.

Some women find it much easier than others, hence the high rate of multiple abortions, but we also don't know quite what's behind that either.

To the Holier than thou's, there but for the grace of God (or similar platitude, but true) if it didn't happen to you you were lucky, unless you only had sex when you were planning and trying for each baby.

My advice - leave this guy now and then decide on your own what you want to do. Even if you do decide to have an abortion I would do so without him anywhere near you. Break away from him and do what feels right for you. This relationship isn't going to survive anyway, he's already killed it by giving you an ultimatum like this. You can't come back from that.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, sounds really tough. Good luck xx

Some of these posts are quite threatening. As in, this, or that, will happen to you if you go ahead, your life will be this or that

To be honest, if you don't trust someone to not be an abuser, then take very early steps to ensure he is shut out of your life for good.

I sincerely hope you don't teach your son that he can walk away from a pregnant partner if it doesn't suit him. And your daughter that she must submit to a man's demands regarding her sexual reproduction.

As per my own upbringing, it would not be considered 'the norm' or even acceptable to have a child with someone DD has known all of 5 minutes. And as for DS I would insist he step up to the plate and accept his responsibilities but I would very much expect him to voice his opinion on the matter beforehand as he DOES have a say in his own life.

This thread is totally bonkers.

Hugo so, how many years/months/weeks/days did you wait before having not 100% safe sex with your now dp?

if it didn't happen to you you were lucky, unless you only had sex when you were planning and trying for each baby.

Lucky? No it's called being responsible for my own sexual health. Perhaps if more people adopted this then there wouldn't be high abortion rates, or babies born that are unwanted by their parents.

When you say 'not acceptable' that comes across as forcing a woman to abort!! So you literally didn't have sex then until trying for babies?

I think what you are saying is very worrying! The OPs P made his opinions threats very clear, that was a huge part of the problem. You cannot control women, or try to.

So, you weren't in the two percent, that's luck.

You have some superior system, is not abstinence, as that works 100% when it comes to not making babies. Do tell us how to 100% avoid pregnancy, what method does that please share?

Tell us this system of sexual health we must adopt to avoid inevitable pregnancies?

This is becoming boring and tedious- as stated previously, it must be a cultural difference or perhaps a difference in upbringing, but as shocking as it may seem to all you PP's, I was brought up to believe that having a child IDEALLY would be between 2 people who were in a committed and loving relationship, who had made a JOINT decision to have a family, and if they were not in that position, to use adequate contraception.

YES contraception can fail nothing is 100% but I can tell you now if I had been with DH 10 weeks and our contraception had failed there's no way we would have gone ahead with the pregnancy, you're still in the first phase of a relationship where by you're getting to know each other and having fun, no stability or commitment whatsoever! I don't think we'd even discussed long term plans and what we wanted out of our future at that point!

It wouldn't be seen as acceptable for a man to bully a lady in to KEEPING a baby so what makes it OK in reverse?

You're not selfish for wanting not to kill something. It's the opposite of selfish, if anything, to put yourself at serious inconvenience now and potentially change your life forever so that the foetus inside you has a shot at life (sadly nothing is certain with pregnancies).

If you know you can support the baby, you know (with reasonable certainty-no one can ever be totally sure as situations can change very quickly) you'll be financially OK and you know you want to have the baby, what is making you think you 'should' abort it?

You are forcing him to be a father.

This is bullsh1t of the very highest order. She did not force him to ejaculate into her. By not having an abortion, she is not actively forcing anything, she is simply not changing the route her pregnancy will naturally take.

No-one doubts you were raised this way Hugo and I think you might be a little more magnanimous about how all us others are raised, and assume it to be any different.

Sex is the issue, and you simply can't unilaterally decide your dw will have an abortion forced upon her. Does she know this, as you'd better tell her so she knows on case you do get unlucky. You might be horrified to find she couldn't face going through an abortion - once pregnant.

It's not boring an dull, just because you don't have a failsafe method either. I just thought you must have because of the way you were talking.

So, were back to where OP started, being forced to have an abortion! So why not just say you agree that you should be forced to have one, and I see you didn't want to say that you'd abstained until the point you wanted DC. I wonder how much control your dw had in all these decisions you've made about her.

So going to say you probably did have sex with her within months, so same shoes as OP then, except you were lucky and she's not been.

@HugoBearsMummy out of curiosity if DS get lady pregnant 10 weeks into the relationship and he voices he is a not ready to be a Dad and runs away. Are you ready to be Granny and step up to the plate?

@Smotheroffive what are you talking about, I am FEMALE. Did you actually read my previous posts? And any decision about OUR LIVES (meaning mine and my DH - not just mine because I am not selfish and think the world revolves round me because I am female so somehow superior????) were discussed together.

I don't think that ANYONE should be forced in to ANYTHING, it should be a joint decision whereby both parties are entitled to an opinion - AS STATED PREVIOUSLY- once again you clearly haven't read my posts correctly have you- so perhaps before commenting actually read what I have said.

And I would ensure that DS did not 'run away' from his responsibilities, but I also wouldn't be thrilled if this did happen and the female in question adopted the same attitude as the majority of posters on this thread- the 'my body my choice so fuck you' attitude. I'd like to think he'd have at least SOME say in the outcome!!!

Sorry Hugo's thought you were the dh in the scenario, and you have been lucky to not have to face that. You may also be someone who wouldn't have life altering difficulties with it. You are also on the other side of having DC. Some may never go on to have more, that's a possibility also.

X-posted oops!

It isn't a 'fuck you' attitude though. Do you have any empathy for the abusive way he's treating her, and that state she finds herself in? He has the completely and utterly 'fuck you' attitude, you will abort and I will treat you however I like and threaten and coerce you until you do, attitude' Your ds wouldnt be doing that to a gf of his, let's hope!

She's has to live lifelong with her decision, the playing field isn't equal.

No ones going to get through to Hugosmummy. Poor Hugo.

Moving on.

Hope you're doing ok OP - how're you feeling today?

It seems my original post on this thread has completely gone off on a tangent- I merely suggested that god forbid the man in the scenario be treated as having an equal say in the matter- isn't that what ladies are always fighting for- equality? You can't have it all ways- superior one minute, equals the next, inferior the next... Jesus.