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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abortion - being pushed to have one

270 replies

Amandadu1 · 25/01/2019 11:49

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

OP posts:
Suresurelah · 27/01/2019 10:42

I wouldn’t trust anything he says. He gave you an ultimatum to try and manipulate/coerce you and now suddenly he doesn’t want to end the relationship.....Hmm

You’ve now made a decision that is right for YOU. I would tell him that you still feel the same and that YOU need some space as he is trying to mess with your head.

Remember he loved bombed you. That isn’t real, it’s a method to suck you in.

Suresurelah · 27/01/2019 10:44

Well if he’s going flipping from nasty/nice (read into the cycles of abuse) l would block his number.

BTW, this isn’t stress it’s an excuse.

Original poster
Amandadu1 · 27/01/2019 10:53

Sorry I’m trying to reply back to everyone.. yes I’m in a share situation where I can’t live with a baby but it’s cool. I would find somewhere myself and definitely have family support but I’ve not told anyone about the pregnancy yet. Not until I know what I’ll do. Adoption is not an option for me. If my family find out I’m having a baby, that is not an option plus it’s break my heart too.
Arghhhhhh this is honestly the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life

OP posts:
Original poster
Amandadu1 · 27/01/2019 11:05

@suresurelah for some very stupid reason (and I feel silly saying it) I really want to believe that he means what he is saying and that he will in fact be there to support me if I chose to terminate. I have seen this other side to him and I’m very shocked by it. Things would’ve been fine if I had terminated it straight away but because it’s now on week 9, he feels like I’ve dragged it on and I definitely think I’ve ruined any chance that we had of being happy. It’s funny how much I’ve done a 360 and blaming myself for everything now.

OP posts:
another20 · 27/01/2019 11:11

He is showing more and more abusive red flags.
Love bombing.
Future Faking.
Blackmail/threats.
Nice / nasty cycle.

Just means he is plain nasty. You don’t want to be parenting with this creep.

It’s all about him - has he shown any compassion to support you in making this decision which will impact YOUR body, life, career, home, finances, emotions for your whole life compared with having zero or minimal impact on his life? You will be holding the “burden” - so he doesn’t get to call it. I really wouldn’t discuss it with him anymore and I would have him out of the picture for the next few weeks so that you can focus decide unhindered what would work for you.

juneau · 27/01/2019 11:12

He honestly doesn't sound like a keeper OP, whatever you choose to do. He's flipping from mean to lovely and messing with your head. Please take some time out from this relationship, don't talk to him for a bit, get prenatal counselling and have a clear head so you can decide what you want to do. He sounds erratic and I wouldn't trust anything he's saying, because there is no consistent message, apart from he just wants everything to go back to how it was - and that isn't going to happen.

toffeeapple123 · 27/01/2019 11:15

She said that she’s has so many people come back with regret after terminating it but has never had anyone come to her when they chose to keep the baby.

Well, of course they wouldn't. She doesn't sound like a neutral counsellor IMO.

But you need to do what's best for you.

another20 · 27/01/2019 11:18

He said he’s at a point of having a break down and it’s killing him. He’s making my life hell too and is going from being nice to being nasty and is just pushing me so much that I am now thinking everything is going to be too hard 😢 I am sounding selfish but maybe it’s not fair to bring a child into this. I am heartbroken but am at a point of giving up

Agree don’t bring a child into that - ie that relationship.

He is getting more and more stressed because you haven’t terminated - he is hanging back and promising a future until you do - and then he will be gone.

juneau · 27/01/2019 11:18

And people DO regret having DC. I've seen many a post here in MN where people have regrets or say they wish they'd waited until they were in a more stable financial situation, or a better relationship, or whatever. The counsellor you saw sounds like she has is trying to influence you against abortion, so please try and find someone neutral, someone without religious affiliations or any agenda of persuading you one way or the other. This is YOUR decision and you're the one who will be responsible for bringing up a DC if you go ahead. It really isn't something to be entered into lightly. No DM would ever suggest that it was!

Original poster
Amandadu1 · 27/01/2019 11:20

One last thing because I’ve obviously just said the negatives.. while we were together, if I ever wanted to meet or needed anything he would drop everything for me. He’s always been there for me, has made me feel really good. Whilst he’s spent money on me, I’ve equally paid for things too but we genuinely connected from the start. He’s get me little things I liked, would change his plans to see me and always had time for me.. I’m only saying this because he’s changed a lot in this situation. It’s like an abusive relationship. I am wondering WHY I’m still contemplating how we will be and if we’ll get back to where we were. In one way I keep thinking just drop him. But truthfully, it’s hard to find an amazing guy and he’s been just that... until this pregnancy came along

OP posts:
rainflowerstar · 27/01/2019 11:22

Amanda I was in the exact same position as you nearly four years ago. My ex wanted me to have an abortion, threatened suicide and said it was him or the baby. I blamed myself all the time but in the end I chose my baby and I don't regret it at all. I already had two boys from a previous relationship and now I have my little girl. My ex hasn't been involved with my DD for a couple of years but has recently reached out about wanting to meet her. If you really want the baby you can do trust me. It might be hard but you will cope. If you want to talk pm me x

rainflowerstar · 27/01/2019 11:23

He isn't this perfect guy, if you have an abortion for him you will always resent him and things won't work out and then your left with nothing.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:24

He is a bad man
he is a very bad man

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:25

it's easy to be an amazing guy when everything is going swimmingly but when the chips are down, that's when people show their true characters

aethelgifu · 27/01/2019 11:25

He's a cunt, OP. Just take him out of the equation. You don't want a termination. So don't have one. The end. BUT just take him out of the equation. Do not give the baby his surname or put him on the birth certificate.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:27

Anyone who threatens suicide if you don't have an abortion should get an immediate red card and be sent off
It's a disgusting way to behave

fairybeagle · 27/01/2019 11:27

It doesn't sound like you want a termination OP. You will never regret a baby, your baby. It will be hard to be a single parent but in my opinion it would be harder to live with a lifetime of guilt that you'd 'killed' your baby, especially if that's how you see it.
This man doesn't sound great, he sounds like he was fine when the going was good but no things might be difficult he's bailing. Also the fact he spoke about wanting you to have his child then acting like this! I know it's not been long but if it was right he would have wanted to make it work and loved the child. Wishing you all the best OP xx

another20 · 27/01/2019 11:31

It’s like an abusive relationship. I am wondering WHY I’m still contemplating how we will be and if we’ll get back to where we were. In one way I keep thinking just drop him. But truthfully, it’s hard to find an amazing guy and he’s been just that... until this pregnancy came along

It is an abusive relationship - you were just at the early love bombing stage of it - now you have seen the real Mr Nasty come out the play. That is who he is.

You are focusing on the wrong thing and wasting precious time when you are wishful thinking a future relationship with him. That isn’t real or relevant right now.

You need to focus hard on yourself and if you want to raise a child alone. That is your reality not some fantasy fairytale where he proposes and declares undying love - that’s never going to happen.

aethelgifu · 27/01/2019 11:32

And oh, yeah, threatening to kill himself and 'having a breakdown' is a form of bullying. It's abusive behaviour. The speed of this relationship is a red flag, too.

Butterymuffin · 27/01/2019 11:33

Totally pro choice here, you should terminate if it's right for you. But I wouldn't give up a baby for a man. Men are easy come easy go, kids are the real deal.

Wordthe · 27/01/2019 11:35

You want to continue the relationship because you want to get back to the golden times when everything was lovely,
the thing is he is in control of the golden times and he uses this to manipulate and control you

Original poster
Amandadu1 · 27/01/2019 11:41

Gosh thank you everyone.this is the first time I’ve come onto this forum for advice and I am extremely grateful, you’ve all been so helpful, like I’m talking to friends.
@rainflowerstar, thank you, I might take you up on that offer of DM you. I guess at least you’d been with him longer than I have been with mine. It’s so hard though. I am constantly thinking that I’m selfish for wanting to keep it 😪

OP posts:
Dimsumlosesum · 27/01/2019 11:41

My SIL went through with one to please her partner. For her, it was the Worst mistake of her life. When she fell pregnant the second time and he did no, don't want it, she said tough. I can't go through that again. Its all happy now, but she regrets what she did to this day, had to go through heaps and heaps of councelling, and says she always will.

Dimsumlosesum · 27/01/2019 11:43

Your body, your choice. But don't ever ever do something like this because someone has forced you.

GenericHamster · 27/01/2019 11:56

There’s no good choice. I wouldn’t be with a man who wanted me to terminate but I also wouldn’t want a baby that would tie me to him.

Imagine if you terminate and stay with him. What do you think the future holds? What if he never wants a child? What if he does and you can’t get pregnant? Won’t you think of what could’ve been?