Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished.

If I were you I would decide whether I want to keep the baby or not.

I would not stay with him either way. He is a horrible person. He is pressuring you to have an abortion because he doesn't want you to have his baby. As others have said you probably won't see him for dust after this.

Where do you live now that you would have to move out of when you have a baby?

I work in reproductive health (terminations included) and deal with lots of women every day going through the process. And after.

It has to be your decision.

Take as much support (counselling etc) as you can. Ultimately they won't perform a termination on someone who doesn't want one. Regardless of what their partner wants. Its your body.

Selfish that I am ruining our chance of something great for something that isn’t even a baby or has feelings.

Hmm I think he is showing you his true colours, I would not be thinking he is great anymore after this. He really is future faking you as PP have said.

If he was massively supportive of your decision either way and you both decided the time isn't right now, then I would say he is a good guy and you could have a great future with him. But someone who is blackmailing you into an abortion because they don't want to have a baby with you is not someone you would want to have children with in the future.

Selfish that I am ruining our chance of something great for something that isn’t even a baby or has feelings.

2nd incidence of “future faking” - wrapped up in a threat/blackmail. He is nasty.

That is nonsense, he should feel guilty and selfish for putting pressure on you. And you aren't throwing anything great away by keeping the baby. He's already thrown the 'great relationship' away by attempting to blackmail you into an abortion.

If it was such a great relationship he would be trying to make it work based on what you want to do with your body. He would be trying to step up.

Who do you live with now?

How old are you, OP? Because it sounds like you're probably quite young given the impulsiveness and having to move out. Do you have family support? Having a baby is a big deal when you're in a good relationship and whatever your choice your relationship is over, either way one of you is coming out this resentful and bitter.
Can you realistically cope with a baby by yourself financially? You work full time now but with maternity leave and childcare....

I've been there and felt/still feel guilt for the same reasons you do, but it was absolutely the right thing to do and despite my personal sadness I know that if I had not been sensible about my choice then I would not be as happy or stable now in my life and everything else (i.e. work, mental health, money, future relationship) would have suffered. Really take up the counselling and do what you want to do, then tell your boyfriend to piss off regardless.

Amandadu1 your OP is full of red flags that this guy is controlling.
He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.
^^This speaks volumes. He loved bombed you from the start to get you emotionally where he wants you. Once someone like this has you where they want you it's a steady decline from there. If it seems to good to be true it most likely is. Love develops over time, as you get to know someone, not all of a sudden.
While you were willing to go along with what he wanted (the termination) he was very supportive because that worked for him. When you started thinking about keeping the baby his true self emerged and you have now seen him for the heartless prick he is. The fact that he has taken such a big decision and made an ultimatum out of it - It's me or the baby - shows you who he truly is. And as Maya Angelou so famously said, when someone shows you who they are, LISTEN to them.
You can't decide to keep this baby or not if your making that decision for someone else. You have to decide for yourself. Go to counselling, give yourself time to think it through, then decide.
As an aside, your relationship won't survive whatever decision you make. If you keep the baby he will be off like a shot (and probably claim it isn't his and you were sleeping around). If you terminate you will resent him for forcing you to make a decision (even if it was the decision you may have come to in your own time).
for you, it's a difficult situation you are in.

Wow I didn’t know future faking existed 😳
I forgot to mention that he is actually going through looking after an ill mother at the moment too so that may be what’s making him not as supportive.
I’m mid age and will need to get my own place with a baby. I stilll believe the Bub will have a good quality of life as I should have family support. I’ve been keeping this to myself from family until I know what my decision will be..
I know he sounds horrible but do you think it could be the stress of this potential baby lingering around? He has said that if the baby issue goes, then things will go back to how they were. I said I probably couldn’t go back to what things were like. Not after this massive choice.
Arghhhhhht thanks everyone. I’m feeling more and more stupid for falling in love so hard and falling for these stupid lines like I’m 15!!

Don’t believe a sodding word he is saying. Even if things do go back to the way they were ‘for him’ they likely very much won’t for you.

he is actually going through looking after an ill mother at the moment too so that may be what’s making him not as supportive.
Nope he's not being supportive because he's an arsehole. Having issue A going on doesn't stop you from being a good person if issue B crops up.
He has said that if the baby issue goes, then things will go back to how they were.
Liar, liar pants on fire. Things will absolutely change, from both sides. For you, you will be going through the emotional repercussions of your decision (even if you're 100% on a termination it will still have an emotional toll and not just from your readjusting hormones). For him he will know he can brow beat you into doing what he wants and he will have you that much more firmly "in your place". If you do something like this for him once, he will expect you to make decisions ignoring your own thoughts and feelings and only taking his into account forever more.

He is totally in his right to NOT want the baby and to leave you if you go ahead anyway. You are forcing him to be a father.

Emotional blackmail pure and simple.
Decent people dont do this.

He may be stressed by his mother but he is basically saying I’ll only love you if you do this. If you love someone it usually takes something pretty unforgivable to switch that off. Keeping a baby certainly doesn’t qualify!

Stop making excuses for him. Looking after an ill mother doesn’t give you a free pass to be unsupportive, then pressurise, threaten and blackmail.

He has plenty of significantly manipulative behaviours before you reached this issue.

This is who he is - nasty, controlling, manipulative.

Thank you everyone. Your kind words has made me realise that I may not be the selfish one and he may in fact be a lot of things that I thought he was.
I forgot to also add.. he also said that everyone terminates without putting a second thought into it and why can’t I be like that..
@PinkGin24 that’s exavtly what I don’t want.. to force him into being a father.

I know he sounds horrible but do you think it could be the stress of this potential baby lingering around?

No. He sounds horrible because he is horrible. A decent man wouldn't push you into doing anything you were not comfortable with let alone an abortion.

By having the baby you are forcing him into being a father. I get people say 'your body your choice', but whilst legally fathers have to pay then it really isn't just your choice.

Op I can't tell you how you will feel but I had an abortion I didn't want nearly twenty years ago and I still regret it.

I have friends however who said they barely thought about it.

For ME it was the stupidest thing I ever did because I didn't want to. I wanted the baby.

If you think you would be happy as a single mother then go for it.

Sadly I think your relationship will end either way.

Big hugs to you.

Sadly there are no winners here
By having a baby you force him to be a father whether he is involved or not.
By having a termination you are forced into a life of regretting it.
But as its your body your choice trumps his regardless of how easy that choice is.

Amandadu1 you ARE NOT forcing him into being a father. It takes 2 to tango and he is just as responsible for the fact that you are pregnant as you are. The only way to avoid pregnancy 100% of the time is to not have sex. That is basic high school sex ed. He can, of course, decide he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life (if you decided to keep the baby) however he can't avoid the fact that he is responsible just as you are and therefore he is financially tied in. To bad if he isn't happy about that.
The comment he made about everyone terminates without putting a second thought into it and why can’t I be like that what absolute bullshit!!! more emotional blackmail on his part. He's really showing his true colours now isn't he?! Do what is right for you re: the pregnancy and either way get out of a relationship with this soul destroying piece of shit idiot.

Being a father is not just providing genetic material. It doesn't sound like he's going to be a father either way.

How far along are you? Abortions are upsetting experiences and I don’t think this chaotic relationship would survive that. It sounds like he’s just staying around to make sure you terminate. If you want to keep the baby keep the baby, he’s unsupportive anyways.

Sorry I reread and seen your 9 weeks. It was confusing your first post.

@PinkGin24 it's the male orgasm that causes a pregnancy, not a woman's, she can orgasm all she wants without getting pregnant. But the man chooses to orgasm inside of her, knowing full well that there's always a chance of pregnancy. If he really didn't want to be a dad he'd get a vasectomy. Or always use a condom. Or at least pull out. But perhaps that's too much responsibility for a man? A woman should just accept whatever he wants, even if his desire for pleasure caused it. A woman should be responsible for the pregnancy; Termination or birth. And then the bastard has the nerve to say everyone gets it like it's not a big deal. He's an absolute fuckhead

Can I just point out that you do have a third choice, which is to have the baby and place the child for adoption ?

It’s not an easy choice but there’s nothing easy here. Whatever you decide, you will have regrets and feel guilty. And someone here will say you are selfish ( by which people usually mean ‘refusing to put a mans wishes before your own’ ).

I agree with everyone else, whatever happens, you should leave him. He’s not a nice person.

Yes I've been there in quite an intense situation I was very young.
Regretted it for years and had counselling.
Almost a decade later I can honestly say only in the last couple of years that I am at peace with my decision. (Not with the same man but did stay together for a couple of years after but things were never the same for me)