Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

@Suresurelah Why shouldn't it be a joint decision? The baby is both the male and female's offspring. Both will have to nurture and take care of the child for the next 18 years plus. Saying 'the father doesn't have to parent the child' is ridiculous, he'll be responsible for child maintenance payments at the very least.

I just think it's a very selfish attitude to not even consider the father's feelings, and in the long run the child's feelings when the father isn't present because he didn't want a child! Awful.

Because if it was a joint decision that would give a man control over a woman’s body.

Tell me Hugobearsmummy, what proportion of men in this situation pay ful child support right up until their child leaves education ? How many care for their child 50% of teh time ?

Because when that figure is over 90% here in the Uk, that’s when I will stay to worry about men’s feelings. In the meantime I will prioritise the welfare of women and children.

Do you know how many children live in poverty because of their feckless fathers? How much do you care about them?

I find this thread upsetting. The man knows there is a risk of pregnancy. Pregnancy here sounds so disposable due to inconvenience or timing. If you want the baby, have it! You're giving the gift of life. As for his feelings, what about yours, you're playing god whatever your decision and you need support either way. When had my son on my own many years ago. I was financially very secure but even then I felt made to feel guilty for not terminating and having snide comments of smug couples who were having kids together. Fast forward a decade or so couples split up and are in afar worse position to me. Fathers often abandon their children and go off and have another family. You're pregnant you make the decision that suit you and no one else do not be manipulated by anyone. Be brave and do what you believe in your gut is right!

It's not about having 'control' over anything. It's about having the right to voice an opinion. Takes 2 to make a baby, so at the very least the father's opinion should be taken in to consideration.

It would be different if both parties were actively not taking precautions, but OP states that they were practicing safe sex and the contraception failed. If you are using contraception then I'm assuming you don't want a baby??? So why is the bloke always made out to be an absolute prick for voicing this when a decision needs to be made whether to continue the pregnancy???

Perhaps there wouldn't be so many children living in poverty without a father on the scene if mothers made more appropriate lifestyle choices ie. not having children with people they've barely known 5 minutes.

Hugo how would your suggestion of the man having a say work in reality? If the pregnant woman wants to continue the pregnancy and he doesn't want her to what should happen? Likewise if she wants an abortion and he wants the baby? How would this be reconciled?

@HugoBearsMummy contraception can fail. A man can voice an opinion but for goodness sake in many ways life has got worse for mothers since the 1950s.

Pressure by society to have sex outside marriage, due to the pill been given out.

Pressure to cohabit for years even if you would rather the security of marriage especially if you have kids.

No pressure for men to get married or stick by a woman they get pregnant. It used to be very shameful for a man to slink off.

Now you wanted men to ALSO have the choice of weather she has a child or not. Absolutely not!

It's the attitude of many of the posters on here that I find unbelievable Bluestitch, that as soon as a positive test is confirmed its a big fuck you to the man involved because his opinion and wants in life mean naff all!

Yes ultimately the final decision is down to the female as she is the one carrying the child, but to state that the man should have NO SAY whatsoever is awful. And people wonder why so many blokes bugger off and don't have anything to do with their kids, whether that be right or wrong...

I just don't understand why anyone would want to bring a child in to the world knowing that the child's father doesn't want anything to do with it. And being 'tied' to that person FOREVER because you have a child with them. I just do not see the logic behind it. There are plenty of men out there who DO want to be in a committed loving relationship & have a family. Why force it upon someone who does not want the same things.

Why force it upon someone who does not want the same things

You can say exactly the same in the reverse about forcing a woman to go through the trauma of a termination.

And people wonder why so many blokes bugger off and don't have anything to do with their kids, whether that be right or wrong...

That is a failing in the part of the man.

HugoBearsMummy your attitude is atrocious. I hope you're not teaching your children that kind of thinking.

OP you need to do what you are comfortable with. If you do not want a termination, do not have one. Discount the man completely, he's a cunt.

@HugoBearsMummy

just don't understand why anyone would want to bring a child in to the world knowing that the child's father doesn't want anything to do with it.

Well I don't understand all the abortion we have today and the fact that couples have a high probability of slitting up anyway. What's your situation male/female? Does your boyfriend have a child they never see?

Woman should be supporting woman here. Yes men have an opinion and a right not to gave sex, that's it! It's madness to give men power over our bodies. Men are capable of abstaining from sex if they're so worried about fathering a child.

@hugo

The OP clearly wants to continue with the pregnancy. He doesn’t.

It’s her body, so it’s her choice.

The decision to end or continue your pregnancy is completely separate to the relationship you had with him now. He's made it very clear he does not want this baby and no it will not go back to the way it was before because the situation is now completely different. All relationships during the honeymoon first few months stage are wonderful because it's dating and getting to know each other. It's not 'shall we move in together, have a child, get married (not that everyone wants those things). You need to focus on if you want to be a single parent not if you'll raise this child together as a couple, because he's made it very clear you won't. It's your body and your choice but equally it's his choice to not stay with you in a couple if he doesn't want that.

HugoBearsMummyyour attitude is atrocious. I hope you're not teaching your children that kind of thinking

^^ THIS. A million times over, this.

Op, please don't listen to ignorant people like Hugobears. You are the one that ultimately will have to go through with a termination, live the rest of your life either with a child or with the knowledge and memory of a termination. Do what is best for you, not for some man that may or may not remain in yours and the child's life.

If the ex is horrible he will ignore the child 100% or he will use the child to beat you with a stick as you will be forever tied to him.

A baby doesn’t stay a baby. Are you prepared for when a 13 year old tells you he:she hates you and is going to move in with their dad? And you can’t actually stop them as at that age they can decide. A vindictive ex would jump for joy at the pain that would cause you. Possibly stopping you from moving to different cities because you would be taking his child away? Some men don’t use these measures because of love but because it’s another way of controlling their ex who they used to abuse mentally a fuck you. You made me be a parent and I’m going to make your life hell for it parent.

@thesuninsagittarius that's horrendous, so sorry.

No-one can 'force' a man to be a parent, the law courts make that very clear. A woman however, is pregnant in every pore of her body and mind, its completely different. God, just disgusting attitudes to someone facing this hardest of decisions. Shocked at the way some speak to a pregnant woman. Keep your dick in your pants, as women are not to be subjected or coerced into such devastating consequences.

If you don't want to be a father, don't take risks!! Every encounter carries aa risk.

Are there women out there who have never heard the 'I don't use condoms/condoms spoil the feeling for me'

Poor form threatening OP with an abuser, more coercion to terminate!!! Are you are partner!?

Is double-bagging a thing? Maybe it should be.

It has to be your decision. But be aware that he can subsequently behave whatever way he wants, you won’t get to control that.
Personally I would never tie my life to someone else’s forevermore without making a clear decision to do that and without trusting them with my life. I have had a termination and although I could have gone ahead with it I never wanted to give that sort of control over my life and emotions to someone I already knew was not a good person.

I’m not telling you what to do, I’m telling you what I would do.

Good luck with your decision. It’s your life so either way you must decide for yourself.

No I’m not the partner but I do remember being a child not living with my biological parents. It was an easy stick to beat my own parents with that I would move in with the other.

The moving thing often pops up on mn. Just because someone points out the downsides doesnt make them horrible just shows it’s not all sunshine and flowers.

Having a child is the good the bad and the ugly. You have to be ready for it all.

Just to add having seen some anove comments. I have no negative memories of the termination. Just regret that I was stupid enough to get myself in that position but the termination itself was the single most important decision and trigger for what has turned out to be a wonderful life since. I’m always grateful that I was not in my home country (Ireland) when I needed one.

When I was 28 I fell pregnant in a long term relationship while on the pill. It can happen! My partner at the time said he would kill himself if I had the baby. He booked me in for a termination. I have always regretted it. Our relationship didn't survive.

Have the baby! It will be amazing and hard and will change your world. He won't have to live with the regret or the sadness. He can choose not to be involved if he wants to.

IT IS YOUR BODY AND YOUR CHOICE.

@Annickey can I asked how you would of dealt with parenting with your ex if you hadn't gone through with it?
Do you talk to your ex still now?

HugoBearsMummyyour attitude is atrocious. I hope you're not teaching your children that kind of thinking

Yes totally atrocious that a man should have some say in his own life and whether he wants a child or not. How awful of me to suggest that a man have a voice because he has a penis and not a vagina!

And my situation is I'm married and we have one DS and a DD on the way, together, no other children. Both children planned and very much wanted. We clearly were not reckless with previous partners and practiced safe sex! Shock horror!

And nowhere have I stated that a woman should be FORCED to do anything, I've just stated that neither should a man be FORCED in to fatherhood either. What happened to both sexes being treated as equals??

We clearly were not reckless with previous partners and practiced safe sex! Shock horror!

You're not a pleasant person.

@mayathebeealldaylong I have a really good job and so I am financially secure. I would have been an awesome parent and am now a step parent. I am a professor if youth studies so I work with kids a lot. At the time I felt anxious about not taking on board his feelings, I wish I had ignored them completely. We have no contact and have not had contact since I left him.