Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

@Hugosmummy, the OP came here for advice and some support, which is what mumsnet is supposed to be about.

All you have done is slate her, blame her, made her feel guilty, and ridiculed both her and her pregnancy and the views of other posters. Do you not understand empathy? Can you not fathom, somewhere in that mire of judgement and mockery that seemingly makes up who you are, as you claim it's your "morals", that here is someone lost and looking for help, not judgement from some sanctimonious keyboard warrior who hasn't actually the life experience to give solid advice? Why would you do that?

Hugo - IIRC you have a 3 year old but only got married last year, is that right ? Because I’m a bit suprised that someone with your strict and high moral views would not just have pre marital sex but actually conceive and give birth to a child outside wedlock.

I’m sure you will tell me if I’m mixing you up with another poster. But I remember you talking about your wedding in Dubai last year.

And you also put your toddler in nursery, which some people don’t agree with, they would think you are selfish .

Can you see that your own moral code is wrong according to many people who would NEVER do the above? But funnily enough they are not on this thread preaching how wrong you are and condemning your lack of morals.

Maybe you could consider being a bit less judgemental and accepting that we all lead our lives differently.

@WH1SPERS I think you've got far too much time on your hands to be remembering specific details about another posters life to be honest- talk about stalkerish! Weird.

Yes I wasn't married when I had my DS but I was in a committed loving relationship, we owned our own home, had some savings, were in a good position to be able to provide for a baby, can't understand why I'm being slated for trying to give a child the best possible start in life myself & DH could?! How strange.

Yes I'm so selfish for going back to work 3 days a week to help contribute financially towards my family, whilst my son attends nursery and experiences quality time with other children his age, learns new things & has fun 😂😂... seriously get a grip.

I have not once slated the OP I've said she shouldn't be forced to do anything but I personally would not chose to have a baby with someone I'd known 10 weeks especially as he has expressed he does not want to have a child with her (which is his right to do so as they were using contraception so clearly did not want a child together) & has been vile to her! IMO she'd be better off starting a family with someone who will support her and the baby. How fucking hard is that for you to all understand? Surely that's sensible isn't it?????

Oh and there have been others who have agreed with me on this thread but for some reason have not been attacked over their opinion! Funny that.

@HugoBearsMummy

I think what is upsetting most posters about you is your insistence that men should “have a say” over what women do with their bodies.

Plus you’re pretty sanctimonious regarding unplanned pregnancies. Not helpful when the OP is in the situation she’s in.

I HAVE NOT SAID A MAN SHOULD TELL A WOMAN WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR BODY!!! I have said that I think a man should be entitled to an opinion as he helped create the child & having a child will impact his life massively, having a baby is a huge commitment! That is all! I'm literally so sick of explaining myself over and over as it seems the posters on this thread just read what they want to read and twist every word I say!

Hugo - you have judged other women’s moral standards but get upset when I suggest that some people might feel free to judge you.

You are NOT being slated by me for being an unmarried mum and sending your child to nursery. You are being slated by me and many others for being so unpleasant to the Op who has asked for help and ( it seems ) driving her off her own thread.

Nice .

God there are sometimes I read threads and think my god is there any way in which women do not end up screwed in some way or other...

The Pill Gave women freedom over their reproductivity - Great! But it also gave men the freedom of having sex without having to consider commitment, marriage, children etc.

Abortion gave women the opportunity and choice to terminate a pregnancy. Also gave men a tool to pressure a woman with...with lines like but your forcing me to be a father.

Maternity Leave Excellent women can work and take time off for the birth and to care for the baby. Employers (often men though not always) think twice about employing women of childbearing age, or make it difficult to return after ML, you only have to read the boards on here to see the issues that surround this.

Child Support great a tool to ensure children are financially supported as they should be. Again though you only have to read the boards on here to see that despite this how many parents get away without paying for or supporting their children.

There was a time when the only choice was to have sex or not have sex, and even then that wasn’t always the woman’s choice.

There is no forcing a man into being a father! Any man who thinks keeping a pregnancy where the father is not on board and supportive and who could walk away, refuse to have contact or pay child support at any moment is a decision made lightly is severely mistaken!!!

The reason why it is her body, her choice is because ultimately it is, it’s her who has to either endure the termination procedure or pregnancy/birth.

Don’t want to be a father? Don’t have sex! Women spent generations not having sex at the risk of becoming mothers!!

Amandasu1 I hope that your counselling session goes well today.

I hope that it moves YOUR thinking along a bit.

Take your time - maybe block him for a week so that you can concentrate and decide what works for you.

Take care.

Many women don’t regret abortions but they undoubtedly made the decision to abort themselves, they weren’t coerced into it. OP, you sound as though this is something you do not want to do at all therefore stands to reason you may live to regret it.

Men can’t have a say in whether a woman terminates or not because they quite rightly do not have autonomy over a woman’s body. They can, however, choose where to ejaculate. He presumably was not raped therefore chose to ejaculate inside of you without protection. He only has himself to blame.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you. She terminated but got pregnant again within two months because she couldn’t live with the regret. They are not together anymore but she is a fantastic single Mother.

What you have to accept is that if he decides to be a part of the child’s life at any stage, you will be stuck with him for life. Right now whilst you are in the lustful honeymoon period, that may seem like a fruitful prospect but ten years down the line it probably won’t. Not if he decides to take you to court for access or fucks you and your child about in any way. You may have to deal with him even after your child turns 18 if they get married, have children, graduate from uni etc. Just consider that before anything else but honestly, it does sound like your mind is made up.

HugoBearsMummy

But the OP’s partner isn’t just having an opinion, he’s trying to bully the OP into having a medical procedure (which, in her case, will likely come with a side helping of trauma and guilt) because it suits HIM.

Obviously you’ve never had an unplanned pregnancy, being so morally superior to the rest of us, but many posters here have. I have. And I can tell you that however a woman feels about the unexpected life growing inside her, the father’s opinion will do little to change it. Many posters here have been left traumatised by the abortions they had to appease their partners. You say it’s unfair for a man to be forced into fatherhood. Is it somehow better for a woman who wants her baby to be forced to have it removed from her body?

For the hundredth time I have not said once that anyone should be forced in to a medical procedure they do not want.

All I've said is that I think a potential father should be able to have an opinion on the matter- not the overall decision- AN OPINION. That is FAIR.

Secondly, like you all have your opinions, I would not chose to continue a pregnancy with a man who was nasty & spiteful, who I'd only known 10 weeks, and who I knew would be of no support to me or the child. The OP has a future ahead of her whereby she could meet a man who WILL care for her and want to build a life & family with her. So if I was her then yes I'd have a termination & I don't think there's anything wrong with making that decision & I would not feel guilty doing so because I know that would be best for me.

But over & over again Everything I say is being twisted to make out I'm some evil person so there's no point me commenting further.

I wonder would the replies on the thread be different if the OP was adamant she wanted a termination but the man in the scenario desperately wanted the baby.

Hope your councelling session went ok OP

at dimssum Op, please don't listen to ignorant people like Hugobears

by your personal attack you have shown how little you know about a grown up discussion. Your personal attacks offend me! YOU are the ignorant one here.

I wonder would the replies on the thread be different if the OP was adamant she wanted a termination but the man in the scenario desperately wanted the baby.

The replies from pro choice people would still be "your body, your choice". Hth.

Poor OP! FFS, what an outrageous me-rail. Really hope you are okay, OP!

OP - I hope you find yourself in the right frame of mind to make a decsion best for you. Rarely these things are 100% - but if you are leaning, say 80% one way or the other then that’s probably a good enough place to call it.

Op, are you ok? Have you been able to talk to anyone in real life yet?

@Amandadu1

I hope you are ok, and you have made the best decision for you!!

Op it's hard for you to grasp this right now, but when the baby comes you'll love them more than you've ever loved anyone in your life. You won't regret it.

This man, on the other hand, is telling you whatever you want to hear to make you get rid of the baby (by the way, are you sure he isn't married?) Once you have terminated he will break up with you.

I have a feeling he has done this before. Ask him.
You dont know him at all, but you know yourself and if you think you can do this, then you are right.

Sorry about your relationship ending but very best wishes with your pregnancy. I hope your family take care of you and everything goes well from now on. Good luck.