Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

Shouldn't it be a JOINT decision. From the majority of responses to threads like these, it takes 2 people to do the deed but only the female should have the decision on whether to bring a baby in to the world and fuck what the father might want?? What if it were the other way round and the father desperately wanted to keep the baby but the mother didn't?? Tbh I don't know why anyone would want to keep a baby with a man that has been portrayed as being so cruel, who after 10 weeks you barely know? Ending the pregnancy would most likely be best for you so you can move on from this man and meet someone who does want the same things and build a life and family together. Otherwise you're literally stuck being tied to this man FOREVER. I know what I'd chose. I don't think it's the greatest of situations to bring a new life in to. A baby is supposed to be a joyous occasion.

There's a very slim chance the relationship could pick up where it was before you found out you were pregnant, but in reality that is a very slim chance and highly unlikely. You will always resent him, and I can guarantee it will be the elephant in the room and probably the underlying cause of any future arguments.

It's an abusive relationship, and I'm with others, once he gets what he wants it'll be the 'this isn't working for me' and he'll be gone for dust. Either way, the relationship has run it's course and whether you keep the baby or not, he'll be gone without a backward glance.

I was in a very similar position as you OP, though older and in a stable relationship (or what I thought) bought house together etc. and had been trying to conceive for quite a while (over a year). When I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant I got the 'I don't want it, I'm not ready to be a father, 'well I never thought you'd actually get pregnant' and 'I want you to get rid of it'.

I refused to terminate and I made it very clear that either way I was prepared to be a single Mum and he could walk away. We stayed together but the relationship was never the same, any respect I had for my child's father had diminished and we split up not long after the baby was born.

I do not regret keeping my child one bit. Yes being a single parent is hard, but for me, I wouldn't have it any other way and I just can't imagine a life without my boy in it.

Only you can make this decision, do not let anyone bully or control you into making a decision you are not comfortable with nor want. Only you are in control of your life and your body, no one else.
If you can, try and talk to someone close to you, a friend or a family member for some support.

The amazing guy is an act, a persona and he has different personas that he uses according to what benefits him most

An amazing guy would accept that he chose to have sex with you and that now it’s your choice to have the baby or not. And that he has a 20 year commitment to that child, whether or not you stay together.

That’s how an amazing guy behaves. This one is not amazing I’m afraid. If you terminate the pregnancy to suit him he will leave within weeks . Or he will act like such a shit that you will dump him, so it’s not “ his fault “.

You must have the baby or not as You think right. But DONT do anything for him because you have no future together.

Why would you want to have a child with someone you have known for 10 weeks? Even if you hadn't fell pregnant the relationship may not have lasted anyway. You can't really know someone after such a short time and having not lived together.

If you desperately want a baby, are mid to late 30's and don't care if he ends the relationship and choses not to have contact with his child then go ahead and have it.

If you are younger, hadn't thought about having kids anytime soon before this happened and possibly want the relationship to continue then I'd have a termination.

Re guilt at having a termination, or the process itself. I had two in my early 20s, the relationships wouldn't have worked out and with hindsight I'd have hated having a lifetime connection to those exes. I was in and out of the clinic within a few hours and was perfectly fine. I went on to have children in my late 20s with my now husband and have no regrets.

I had a pregnancy terminated in my early 30s
I have no regrets whatsoever

Op you are NOT selfish. Please don't ever think that. You need to do what's right for you in this situation. Fuck him, he's a grown up not a teenager and when you make the decision to have sex there's always a chance of pregnancy even whilst using contraception.

He's throwing all the emotional manipulation he can to get what he wants, HE is being very selfish.

I've never been in your situation personally but if your gut is telling you to keep the baby then keep it. Only you can make this decision.

For what it's worth I did have to have medical management of a miscarriage (Was told its the same process as abortion). I can only imagine how horrendous it would be if you want to have your baby and you have a choice but someone else is making the decision for you.

I am pro choice by the way and would never judge anyone for having an abortion under any circumstances.

But you need to do what YOU want to do.

Hi OP

I was in a similar situation in summer last year expect for my partner wasn’t supportive either way he just ran away from the situation and left me to deal with it alone.

a big part of me wanted to keep the child but it was very clear I’d have been doing it alone and due to my circumstances not having family local etc it would have been very difficult for me.

I went through with the termination he wasn’t there my friend came with me. Stupidly on my part we did get back together after and it was never the same we have broken up again and a big part of that is because I resent him and I would bring up the fact he didn’t support me in every single argument.

If you want that baby and your only terminating because of him which is basically what I did then I would say your relationship is pretty much over as you will always resent him deep down. If it’s a mutual decision to terminate which it doesn’t sound like it is then that is different

You should really think about your decision and do what is best for you. I think I really would have struggled to do it alone as I recently have bought my own place and I don’t have family local so I worried about how i would afford my mortgage on maternity alone and child care. it was probably the right decision but I do have days I regret it.

Hope your okay xx

@HugoBearsMummy

Good post.

It's all about how it takes two...until it comes to deciding to have the baby.

I actually think it should be a woman to take responsibility for BC... because it's her body the child will be growing in and it's her life that will be most affected by having a baby.

I would never leave BC to a man personally, because I have to be in control of bringing a new life into the world. I wouldn't trust anyone else on it. That's just me though.

OP - You want the baby. So have it. No more talk of termination. Tell him your decision and tell him to stop guilting you about it.

it's easy to be an amazing guy when everything is going swimmingly

This is something to reflect upon. How could you two ever go back to normal? He’s just manipulating you into doing what he wants. And he says you’re selfish?

Sorry Amanda only just saw your post. I mentioned my situation so you know you are not alone, and that the choice is yours. Your body, your connections, your emotion and thoughts of your pregnancy. You have to face it and decide what's best for you, as you will have to deal with all consequences.

Unfortunately he's now shown himself to have a much darker, manipulative side, abusive and coercing. I'm afraid that signals that the relationship is not a genuine one, but one of 'use', not of actual love and real feelings, but hate and dishonesty.

Our situations despite the sameness are also very different, we're all here for you, but your call, your body, your developing life.

Maybe its time to turn to your DM for support? Its no time to feel alone with this big decision, unless you know your DM cannot support you, for some reason. I know normally women wait, but this excuse for a man is not on your side, and that's what you need right now.

Please don't let his coercive tactics affect your decisions, and choices. Take your time, to yourself, to free your head. Be apart from others voices so you can hear your own.

Selfish is also an important way to be at certain points in your life its imperative, like now. Its all very well being old enough to have sex, but every sexual encounter comes with responsibility of potential life, nothing is 100%. So, yes, you are being selfish, and that's good. You have to be, he's not the pregnant one and he's being highly selfish instead of supporting you in what he can clearly see is a decision that's tearing you apart. He's too much of a child himself to come to any reasoned decisions.

Your relationship wont survive regardless of what decision you make

It's all very well for him to say that he wants to go forward and stay together, but it will undoubtedly in the "as though it never happened" sense, and I don't think that he realises how upset you may be. I'd also be seeing huge red flags at him getting so stressed and distraught at the situation. Will he do that every time that you don't agree? He's shown a total other side to himself, I don't see how the relationship could ever get back to where it was.

You sound as though you're really thinking about how you're going to manage having this baby. I know you don't want to speak to family until you've decided, but I would talk to them now. It would be good to get more opinions and support. I'd also take a week of no contact with the boyfriend and get your head together without his input.

Just wanted to lend you some solidarity. I was bullied into a termination by my ex. It was 23 years ago but I don't think I've ever really forgiven myself. But this is about you, I really feel for you having to make this decision. You must do what is right for YOU, not him. Whatever decision you make, make sure you're supported. I'm not anti-abortion, despite my experience. Women need to be able to make this choice. Take care, good luck, hugs.

ultimately it is up to you ON YOUR OWN he's not gonna be around deep down you know this sending love and hugs

only the female should have the decision on whether to bring a baby in to the world and fuck what the father might want??

Yes. Her body. Her choice. Not his body. Not his choice. Fuck his wishes. Fuck yours. Fuck mine. Only the op's count. She is pregnant. It is her choice. If she wants to continue then she should. If she wants to terminate then she should. What other people think is irrelevant.

Forced into parenthood against his will?
I guess men just need to realise that if they have sex without a condom a pregnancy could result and then they will be a parent, he willingly did the thing that made him a parent so how is it against his will?

I'm sorry but I thought THEY used contraception and it failed?? So surely any decisions after the failure surely should be a joint decision?? It's not just the OP life it's the man in question's life as well, he'll have to support the child for the next 18 years financially and for the rest of their LIVES as a father- that's not something to be taken lightly and I think he has a right to an opinion, he was present in the making of the baby so why should his feelings be totally unheard? Ridiculous. And sorry it may be a culture thing or difference in upbringing but I For one would not entertain having a child with someone I've "known" 10 weeks.

@HugoBearsMummy

And sorry it may be a culture thing or difference in upbringing but I For one would not entertain having a child with someone I've "known" 10 weeks

I totally agree with this.

Having children just isn't taken seriously. The flippant manner in which taking the MAP wasn't done.

Men have the choice at the point of conception, after that its not men that have the pregnancy, face the procedure, or face expelling a growing life from their own body.

If men are so pearl clutching about don't take risks until you've known someone long enough, nope, didn't think so. It doesn't seem to have put men off having sex so far that its not 100% safe from pregnancy or disease.

As for advocating willy nilly take the MAP!! Any idea how horrible, and also not guaranteed either. Easy to say.

How did the contraception fail?

I’ve heard it all now.....because it was a joint contraceptive failure it should be a joint decision as to wether the OP terminates or not .

Quite frankly, he can choose not to parent a child but he has no right as to what invasive procedures the OP chooses or does not decide to have.

OP, l think you need to talk to someone IRL (friend or family member) and recognise what an arsehole this guy is.

It's your decision, but he won't be out of your life if you go ahead with the pregnancy. Your baby will want to know its father. You have to envisage that future. It can be done but it's difficult.

A perfect guy or even just a nice guy wouldn't treat you like he is.
I think you need to decide whether you want this baby or not because I can't see your relationship lasting either way.
Just definitely don't terminate to please him!