Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

If you go on to terminate there will be almost certainly be better relationships and wanted pregnancies further down the line

I'm nearly 50. I have 4 close friends for whom this was never so, and my mother has several more. The pregnancy they terminated was the last or only time they got pregnant.

OP, you do not want an abortion, so don't have one. Accept you'll be a single mum. This relationship is over. He's an arsehole.

I had an abortion at 9 weeks in 2004. It was my decision, my choice and I am very glad I did.
I had ds3 in 2014, but DH had initially wanted me to terminate. Again, my decision, my choice and I am very glad I made it.

I do not regard a foetus as a baby or abortion as wrong in any way. Neither do I I think wanting to continue a pregnancy is wrong. It's your body and your choice and you make whichever one is right for you.

I was in a very similar situation to you, I went ahead with the termination (and ditched the guy)
I went ahead with it not because he wanted me too, but because it made me see his true colours and I didn’t want to have a baby with a man like that.
Whatever you decide, it needs to be your decision and nobody else’s. I don’t regret my abortion at all, I now have 2 kids with my partner who’s an amazing dad.

Don't rush into it. It is your decision. A friend of mine was in a similar position and decided to keep the baby. She's an amazing mother.

As someone who has had a termination take it from me you do not get over it. This was 20 years ago and to this day I keep on wondering what a wonderful child I might have had. Do I regret it, most definitely but it is your decision everyone is different on how they deal with it.

I’m just so sorry that you find yourself in this position. All I will say is that it MUST be your choice. Never let anyone dictate what your body should or should not do.

@Beaverhausen but that's just you. People most certainly do get over it. I did, and a few other people on this thread did.

I do not regret it. I'm certain I made the right decision for me.

I'm nearly 50. I have 4 close friends for whom this was never so, and my mother has several more. The pregnancy they terminated was the last or only time they got pregnant.

This has an anti choice propaganda stench.

The pregnancy I had was the last and only time too. I still don't regret it. My life is infinitely better now than what it would have been.

You're instincts are spot on. He is a heartless prick and you shouldn't make this sort of decision to make some ok be else happy ( especially not said heartless prick). Trust yourself and if you want your baby keep him/ her. It's your decision alone.

If you have this baby you will be a single DM. Is that what you want? Do you want this baby, or do you just not want to have abortion? Because bringing up a baby/child is bloody hard and not a decision to be taken lightly. Do your sums. Can you afford this? Is your life going to be very hard if you go ahead? You're doing the right thing by getting counselling, but don't think that abortion is the hard decision to make, I'd say that having the baby is the much harder one. Not only do you have to make a lifetime commitment to this DC, but you could potentially have this guy, who you've now realised isn't the fabulous guy you first thought, in your life forever more. Please make whatever decision you make with your HEAD as well as your heart.

Do you want to bring up this baby alone? Are you financially solvent? Do you have other support from family?
You need to be practical as well as emotional about your decision.

My mum was a single mum in similar circumstances. I'm so glad she chose to keep me.
You can 100% do this without your partner.
He's just scared because he knows he will (rightly) have to pay towards his child and is trying to shirk that responsibility.

Obviously do the thing that is right for you.

I had a child as a single mother under similar circumstances. What I would say is that I never realised that having a child with somebody (even if you intend to do it one your own) ties you to that person in some way for life because you share a child. You see them in your child as they grow up, your child inherits 50% of their DNA from them, you may have to agree with them about co-parenting and deal with them for child maintenance. So, go into it with your eyes open about the other person. I was lucky and he was a decent person who has tried in his way to build a relationship with his child, pays child maintenance above the minimum, and has never been an asshole to me/us in any other way. Some people aren't so lucky.

Being a single mother can be wonderful if you have a real calling to motherhood, but there is no denying that it is tough. It is hard to date for quite some time, and to be honest I don't really think I'm ever going to seriously until the children are grown up because I don't want to risk exposing them to either the potential for my relationships to fail, or possibly meeting not-so-nice people.

*I'm nearly 50. I have 4 close friends for whom this was never so, and my mother has several more. The pregnancy they terminated was the last or only time they got pregnant.

This has an anti choice propaganda stench.*

Although this wasn't my post I have a big problem with you declaring that this is propaganda. I have also mentioned that I've met women who never got a second pregnancy after their abortion. I am very pro choice but I feel that every woman should make a choice based on truth, not lies. Abortion might still be the right choice, regardless of what the future holds. I feel it is dispicable of some people to promiss a stranger on the internet future children and relationships when you can't be sure. You'll move on with your life without knowing or caring about the aftermath.

I was 'forced' into a termination in 1987. It was a late term abortion so I had to deliver and dear god I suffered.
I still regret it every single day, even though I have 2 wonderful boys/men now.
I'm still pro-choice but it should have been my choice.

Why do you have to move out op? You didn't move in after 10 weeks? Or are u house sharing?

Just don't factor him into your decision making. Work out whether you are emotionally resilient to have a termination before deciding anything, as a pp said, there is always adoption and the chance to make someone else very happy.

If you do decide to keep him/her then make sure you have support around you. As a single mum you will need it.

Just write the bf off. Nasty manipulative bastard.

I think not taking the MAP was very irresponsible.

I can understand him not wanting to be a father after knowing you a few weeks. You wouldnt marry a man you barely know, but you want a child with him.

It's your body. Your choice, but be prepared to go it alone. Understand that this will change your life forever.

An abortion does not stay on your mind forever and I speak from experience.

Never regretted it for a minute. It was a relief.

Haven’t read all the replies but just posting quick- the love I’ve felt for my baby is a million times more than I’ve ever felt for anyone. My baby wasnt planned and thankfully things are ok with the father but honestly I couldn’t care less about that. Please don’t make this huge decision based on him! He will be nothing compared to your baby, you might not even last if he makes you go through with it.

Make the choice for yourself, I’m pro choice if it’s your choice. Thinking of you xx

The boyfriend is a non runner.

Now, what do you want to do about the baby?

@Amandadu1 I've not seen a response from you. I hope you are ok.

Feel for you OP, very similar situation here, decided I would go it alone, but he's been using the decision against me, taking the piss out of me to others for being stupid, and feeling very demeaned by it all, but I'm not someone that could face the thought of abortion, just for me I mean, its not a moral judgement. I know I can't, and only you can know for you. Having control over the decision and done for the right reasons I think gives you a much greater chance of getting over it. (Congratulations if you want them)

An abortion does not stay on your mind forever and I speak from experience.

It depends on the circumstances. From the sound of it, OP might regret since it’s being pushed by someone close to her. (Get rid of him pronto, he doesn’t care about you from his actions here)

I hope you’re doing ok OP

Your relationship would never survive anyway if you terminated the baby, just from reading what you've said it's obvious you want this baby, even if you don't know it yourself yet, and you would NEVER forgive him for putting you through that.
Turn the tables back on him if you decide to keep it. He's telling you that it's him or the baby....Tell him it's you AND the baby, or nothing at all.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi guys. Sorry I’ve been reading all responses. I’m so overwhelmed by how lovely everyone has been. Thank you all so much 😢😢
I’m not really that okay. It’s funny because I had a mini counselling session and she too said that I seem to have made my decision and that’s to keep the baby. She said that she’s has so many people come back with regret after terminating it but has never had anyone come to her when they chose to keep the baby.
Not judging anyone that has done it but I don’t think I can go through with it either. The guilt of killing something that has a heartbeat and brain/eyes forming juSt is killing me.
I’ve spoken to this man and said that either way we are finished but he is insistent that he wants to stay together so much and try to get back what we had. He wants a kid but not in this situation. I get that. It’s too soon. But I’ve never once pushed it on him and have been happy to raise it myself. He still doesn’t want us to end so I don’t know. I’m all very confused..

@Smotheroffive what did you do? Have you had the baby yet? Ita funny because he’s been extremely stressed out. He said he’s at a point of having a break down and it’s killing him. He’s making my life hell too and is going from being nice to being nasty and is just pushing me so much that I am now thinking everything is going to be too hard 😢 I am sounding selfish but maybe it’s not fair to bring a child into this. I am heartbroken but am at a point of giving up