Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

You aren't forcing him to be a father, that's the risk he took by having sex.

@MamaDane - it's the male orgasm that causes a pregnancy, not a woman's, she can orgasm all she wants without getting pregnant. But the man chooses to orgasm inside of her, knowing full well that there's always a chance of pregnancy. If he really didn't want to be a dad he'd get a vasectomy. Or always use a condom. Or at least pull out. But perhaps that's too much responsibility for a man? A woman should just accept whatever he wants, even if his desire for pleasure caused it. A woman should be responsible for the pregnancy; Termination or birth. And then the bastard has the nerve to say everyone gets it like it's not a big deal. He's an absolute fuckhead
Yes yes yes!!! This is spades. But according to some (I'm looking at you PinkGin) it's all on the woman and not going along with the mans decision you are forcing the situation on the poor darling him.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy?
Never do something like to make someone else happy.
You decide what YOU want.
This is your choice and your decision.
You have counselling planned which is good.
But do you have a good friend or family member you could confide in?
Someone who won't judge you no matter what your decision?
How old are you OP?
Where do you live now?

He says everything will go back to normal afterwards.

^^ this is in fact true in the literal sense. He will discard your need to recover along with your baby.
Sorry to be brutally honest OP but this is a quote from my STBXH as I cried 3 days after "I thought we were over this" 3 whole days I got, never allowed to be mentioned again.
Take your time and decide by yourself what you/baby need.
He has decided what he needs already, your allowed that too.

Is it possible to fall in love so hard after such a short time?

No, it's not. It's infatuation at this stage, because you don't really know the person. At this stage they are on their best behaviour. It's only when they drop back to "normal" that you can work out whether you love them, or just love the ideal being that they projected.

'he said that if the baby issue goes...'

What a laughably shit way of referring to the ending of some poor wee embryonic baby's life (and I'm not even anti choice).

Pathetic, cold, selfish, manipulative, immature .. he sounds like a bit of a bastard to be honest.

At least you would have family support (was going to ask until I saw it in one of your posts), you'll need every bit of it.

I think you really need to talk this through with a counsellor, op. I had an abortion 20 yrs ago when my long term partner at the time was adamant that we wouldn't manage a baby. I now have 2 DC, 10 and 12 and there still isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about the baby and terminated.

It was the right decision (albeit I was definitely convinced by xp) as he turned into a really nasty drug abuser, but I still agonise over it.

I find reading all of the responses on threads like this really interesting, because I was in the opposite situation.

I didn't want the baby, but he did. I had a termination.

I felt guilty that he was upset, but I didn't regret the termination. I've never regretted it. Our relationship was never going to work whatever the outcome.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide OP.

I think most women have mixed feelings about having an abortion. I doubt anyone is 100 per cent either way. Totally agree that you shouldn't be blackmailed or pressured but at the same time you need to think about what is right for you in the longer term.

If you go on to terminate there will be almost certainly be better relationships and wanted pregnancies further down the line. If I had had a child at age 20 and been a single parent instead having a wanted child at age 33 and terminating at 9 weeks in my first pregnancy my life would have been very different and likely worse.

I hope the counsellor helps you to make the best decision for you.

I was in a similar position to you and I kept the baby. The relationship did not survive. My entire life was massively changed by that decision. Of course I do not regret it because I have my dc who is now an adult. It has been an incredibly rocky journey. I was not really able to provide the stability my dc needed. I did not have enough family support and dc had additional needs. I experienced much financial instability. It would be good if you could talk this through with a trusted friend or counsellor.

@hardworkharriet that's exactly how I feel.

If I had kept that baby at age 17 i would most certainly not be with my wonderful DP and very likely would not be where I am now. My life isn't perfect but I am so grateful to have what I do now.

If I'd kept the baby I would likely have stayed in my home town, not gone to uni, not have my house I have now, and would be forced into a life where my ex would always be present one way or another as the father of my child.

(18 years later he's still in home town, still stacking shelves, still doing drugs, and from what I hear is paying most of his wages to 2 women in child support for the 2 children he doesn't see)

Agree with pps about life turning out very differently. I think about what could have been a lot but I know my life would have been vastly different, for the worse, if I had kept my baby.

Maybe as a pp mentioned you could discuss adoption with the counselor as well. Good luck whatever you decide!

Of course you arent being selfish! Its him that's being selfish! What an absolute arsehole of a man. The baby is already there so now it is up to you what to do and he needs to support that. Men putting women under pressure to have abortions is one of the most disgusting things a man can do imo. His bed has already been made. He should have insisted you take the morning after pill. Now you have a living being inside of you and you have every right to keep it if you feel you personally cannot go through with killing it. An abortion is no walk in the park what planet is he on?!? No woman has an abortion easily or lightly it's a hard decision and can be traumatic. No one should be put under pressure to have or not have one.

I wish you and your baby a happy future

He probably feels like you did force this upon him a bit, whether we like it or not contraception normally is left to the woman.

He is perfectly entitled to not want the baby and be a dad but you are equally entitled to want to keep it; this has to be about you alone and whether you are happy to raise the child on your own.

I don't see it as a baby yet at 9 weeks but we all have different views on termination, I think some counselling would help you decide better but obviously you haven't got time to waste here.

He probably feels like you did force this upon him a bit

Perhaps if he asked her to use emergency contraception and she didn't.
But he didn't, he was just as 'remiss', 'itll probably be ok' as she was, so No.

Noone has forced anything on him, he's hit himself into this situation just like op.

And the ' well contraception is mostly left to women' attitude removes mens equal responsibility for their sperm fertilising an egg.

merville

Not asking for your agreement on my opinion; that's how I see it, suggest you advise the OP not me.

@PinkGin24

But she’s isn’t forcing him into being a father, he can choose to walk away any time he likes...and indeed that is his right and I have no qualms with it.

Sex always comes with the possibility of fatherhood/motherhood.

There is a decision to be made and that is it, and as it is her body and her that has to carry the baby that it is indeed her choice, she can take her partners feelings into account but of course ultimately it is HER decision to make. For the woman there are ramifications to either choice either it’s HER who has to go through the termination procedure or carry and birth a baby, the man frankly is just a passenger.

Forget about him. He doesn't want it. He has made that clear. He's entitled to that opinion.The fact he called you selfish means he's a dick but having a baby is going to have a huge impact on the rest of his life as well and he is pretty helpless in this situation so he's using any which way to convince you to terminate. FWIW he doesn't sound like a good un.
Unfortunately for him it's not his body so he doesn't get to have the final say so put him out of the equation now and decide for yourself whether you want to have this baby on your own. Good luck.

A woman cannot control when she ovulate but a man can absolutely control where he orgasms.

Again, if he really doesn't want children, why should the woman/women be the ones to prevent pregnancies? FOR HIS ORGASMS? Why do people refuse to see mens responsibility in this.

He can literally orgasm anywhere but inside of her. He can NOT orgasm, because how many straight women actually experience orgasms every time they have sex? Why are men allowed to be so entitled and excused and pitied when things do go their way.

It infuriates me.

Don't want kids, well it's your own responsibility, each and every time you decide to have sex. For fucks sake.

(sorry guys I got carried away)

Some women are very sure they want a termination. And they cope well with this decision. It causes them little or no emotional distress or anguish. It isn't a big deal for everyone.
But most women (anecdotally-but I have spoken to many hundreds) experience some level of guilt or sadness or conflict.

I wonder how merry he would feel about it if he was the one going through the physical process. Not very, I expect. It can be straight forward but it isn't a walk in the park!

As for someone earlier saying it's a mans choice too. Just no. He can have some input. And that might affect a woman's choice. But it isn't his choice. Men can have bodily autonomy and so can woman. And no woman should be forced to endure 9 months of pregnancy for a child they don't want any more than they should be forced to undergo a medical procedure (termination) when they don't want it.

@adora10 I have advised Op and don't need your 'suggestion' to do so.

You stated he probably feels like she's forced him into it; I felt it important to make it clear to op and in general that he had no justification for that whatsoever. He knew they were taking risks, he choose just as much as op not to use emergency contraception .. so his view is invalid and unreasonable. That's worth pointing out.

Secondly contraception being seen as women's responsibility and your apparent 'thats the way it is' attitude is equally unreasonable. It's attitudes like that that let people away with disgraceful, shitty behaviour (and a double standard re. responsibility for children).

Chose not choose

Even if you did terminate the pregnancy you will resent him and the relationship will NEVER go back to how it was again. Even if he says it will- IT WONT.
How can it? Especially with you being in 2 minds about the whole thing. You will always blame him.