Abortion - being pushed to have one

[Amandadu1]

Hello,

A few months back, I started seeing a guy who seemed perfect.. well perfect for me. He was funny, we had a lot of fun, went out for nice dinners together, both quite similar in personality and quite passionate..both in a good and bad way. We probably fell too quickly for each other. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and told me that he loved me after a few weeks. I said it was too soon but eventually caved in. Everything was just going so great with us and seemed wayyyy too good to be true.

And then Christmas came around. 10 weeks after we first slept together I found out that I was pregnant. While we had protection, we had one little problem one day. And it was the day that I would’ve been ovulating. In hindsight I should have had the morning after pill but I didn’t think I’d be pregnant so soon.

My first reaction was that I’d terminate it. No questions asked. Way too soon to have a baby. But then I started researching and then I got some serious guilt. He’s been extremely supportive until he realised that I may want to keep it. Something inside me went from wanting to spend every minute with him and not getting enough of each other to starting to genuinely think he’s a heartless prick.

He started telling me that it’s either the baby or him. Basically if I keep the baby then we are finished. I’ve let him know that even if I have the baby, I don’t expect him to support me in any way if he doesn’t want to but he’s been quite adamant that I terminate. We went from the perfect couple to feeling like a couple that’s been together for a long time that just constantly fights.

I’ve told him that if I terminate the baby, I’ll potentially resent him for making me choose. He thinks I’m being selfish for bringing the baby into a world in this situation.

I booked an abortion clinic just to make him happy and we were there today. The nurse was lovely and told me on the side when he wasn’t next to me that I should not have come into the clinic if I wasn’t sure and suggested I get some counseling before I make any decision.

I don’t want to add extra stress in this guys life and feel like I’m a selfish person for wanting this baby. I just feel absolutely horrible for killing a life. I’m nearing 9 weeks and know it’s got a heartbeat with the brain developing. I just feel like it’ll have feelings and he keeps telling me it’s just a foetous.

Has anyone gone through with an abortion just to make others happy? I am so torn on what to do. 😭😭 the dr at the clinic said that the procedure itself is quite fast but the emotional trauma can take a while. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with the decision. Do I go on and have the baby and be miserable that something so great has ended with someone that I truly loved and hope that we may get back together after a year or two? OR do I terminate and feel miserable for god knows how long and hope that we can pull through..

Please help..

My friend had an abortion at the insistence of her boyfriend, that was 15 years ago. Boyfriend is long gone , a fair few boyfriends since, no child, she is now coming up to 35. She remembers what would of approximately be babies birthday, and sometimes mentions she would of being a mother of an x year old. If you think would would be the same then seriously do what is right for you.

I completely agree that it is the woman's body, therefore the woman's choice.

And that the man is of course also responsible for the contraception.

But having felt so desperate to not keep the baby that I terminated, to have felt so utterly trapped and terrified of how my life would change and look nothing like I thought it would, I cannot help but have some sympathy for men in this position, because it's exactly what I felt myself.

My friend was given an ultimatum by her husband. She aborted but the marriage didn't survive because her feelings for him changed.

Did you say you're middle aged? What are your circumstances? Do you want children and are you happy to raise a child on your own?

I understand how he may not want to have a child with someone he's only been with for a couple of months. Even if he's serious about you, he probably doesn't want to commit just yet and parenthood is a massive commitment. Men also can feel a bit more detached as it's not happening in their bodies.

@Mamadane

Exactly, I cannot believe people are touting double standards on Mumsnet of all places.

This young man had sex along with op, experienced contraceptive failure along with op, chose not to pursue emergency contraception along with op (in spite of her telling him she was ovulating), she said he seemed ok with thebrusk. In addition to that he'd previously suggested to the op he'd be happy to have kids with her at some point, which may have influenced her decision making (naive or not).

She did not hold any more responsibility than him, fk the 'well women are expected to be more responsible for contaception' line.

Risk not brusk

I agree that sadly the relationship won't survive whatever you do.

But please remember that many many women have abortions which whilst don't make them happy, are the right thing for them. It is a very individual choice. Many women do not ever regret it.

As a PP said, if you go ahead with this child, you will be on your own and potentially have this man interfering in your life for the next 20 years. A man, who let's face it, you barely know.

@merville: Nope, we live in a society where men regularly walk away from their responsibilities; I said whether we like it or not because I actually don't like the fact that there is a massive inequality when it comes to this shit actually!

Ask any woman who they see as the person to take care of the contraception, especially when in a new relationship and most would say themselves so again, not my fault that is how it is.

Honestly, don't make a decision which will affect the rest of your life to try and save a 4 month relationship. You barely know each other so do what's right for you.

However, it's also perfectly fine (in my eyes) for him to want no involvement.

For the people who've decided to turn this into a men v women debate.

It's hardly the time or place is it? Maybe reign in your desire to be right just for once so the OP can get the support she needs?

I think you need to take him out if your decision making. He has made his view very clear - he does not want a baby with you now. So, do you want to have a child on your own or can you live with having an abortion. Do you have the means - financial and emotional, to support a child for the next 18 years on your own? To make all the choices around raising a child by yourself? What impact is it going to have on your own plans and goals? It. My personal opinion, this needs to be a decision of the head, not the heart. Because your heart will always pick the baby - even when it isn't the right baby at the right time. And you will make it work, but at what cost (to you - not yo him, he's a piece of shit for being so horrible).

I think the relationship is over, it has burnt itself out. So whatever happens, you will be dealing with the consequences of thus choice by yourself.

I had an abortion in my late 20's, and whilst it wasn't the highlight of my life, it was a huge turning point for me to sort myself out and start taking myself a bit more seriously. I have no regrets at all.

I think he's allowed to be shocked and upset, he's allowed to not want a baby after only 10 weeks, a lot of people would feel the same, but he's not allowed to pressurise you or try and sway your decision.

Take him out of the equation, focus on what YOU feel. Decide on whether you want the baby and are ok about being a single parent if need be (sounds highly likely). Don't think of the what ifs, just concentrate on what is actually happening for real.

Are you already living with him?

"he also said that everyone terminates without putting a second thought into it and why can’t I be like that.." That sounds to me as if he's been in this situation before.

I don't think it's ever advisable to have an abortion if you don't want one for whatever reason but certainly not because someone is browbeating you!

Please only have a termination if it’s what YOU want as you are the one who has to live with it, it won’t affect him physically or emotionally and his life will just carry on. If you regret it then you’ll have to live with that regret, not him. The way you are talking about the due date and obviously thinking of it as a baby signals that you would likely regret a termination. Who knows whether he will stick around or not, but make this decision for yourself and just assume he won’t be around anymore either way. Good luck x

I agree with other posters. Either way, it sounds like your relationship is over so make the decision based on you being single.

Being a mother is a wonderful thing but it is hard. You just have to decide what is best for you.

I had an accidental pregnancy. My DP assumed I would terminate and then was really shocked when I said that although I agreed with the right to choose, after having my older child I couldnt imagine it was something I would do.
He was torn as it was not something he had considered, and was something he was pretty adamant that he didnt want for numerous reasons.
However he felt that it was entirely my choice. He siad that he recognised that I would resent him if I did it for him (and actually never asked me to - he just assumed I would) and it would probably destroy our relationship.
He said that he wasnt happy to ask me, nor happy with the situation. I wouldnt be happy to go through with a termination, but may be happy to have a surprsie child, so it seemed the sensible choice to go with the choice where one person had a chance to be happy, and the second person might be surprised to be happy in time.
we now have a lovely 12 year old, much loved son. But had he left I would still have had a wonderful son.
you need to make the choice that is best for you here. Forget about him, he is not thinking about you at all, just trying to cover his own back.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's not easy.

I had an abortion, 5 weeks. The procedure was less worse than going for a smear test and I had no emotional trauma whatsoever. I was relieved not to be tied to a man who clearly wasn't interested and would have made my life hell. Please be assured most women who want a termination don't have any regrets or 'trauma.'

It's entirely up to you, of course, but please don't underestimate how hard it will be as a single mother, particularly the first year or so. Do you have a good support network to help you?

Also you hardly know this man. You're in the phase of lust, not true love.

I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to make you see things a little more objectively, which can be tough especially with pregnancy hormones.

Do you have family you can talk to?

You're not throwing something wonderful away by making the choice that ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE.

You're seeing his true colours.

I will second the above. I had the surgical option. I went in, had blood taken, was put under GA, woke up, no pain, and then basically had what felt like a normal period.

I'm sure I was very lucky, but it was physically a very straightforward procedure.

You do get over abortions, being a single parent is very hard, spending 20+ years trying to support you child with why they have no dad & no family other than you & yours is horrendous, watching them hurt & upset breaks your heart. I had a baby alone & if I'd known the suffering that they would endure I would have had a termination. 20 years on I have recently had a termination. I don't feel guilty, it was the right thing for me & my family. I would advise you don't have the chemical abortion if you decide to have one at all, be put to sleep & have the op. They don't tell you this but the pills are brutal & your body doesn't go back to normal hormonally for about 8 weeks. If you have the operation the hormones stop straight away & you can grieve & move on.

If you go on to terminate there will be almost certainly be better relationships and wanted pregnancies further down the line

Having spent 10 years booking appointments for several people including psychologists I can safely say that sometimes the aborted pregnancy was the only chance at motherhood that someone had. It can be very sad. Doesn't mean that abortion is the wrong choice, but don't do it on a vague notion that you won't encounter infertility later on. I also know 2 women who kept the pregnancies, both never found a relationship or had sex ever again, one is 46 yo with a 20 yo son, the other is halfway through her 50s with a teenage daughter. Both would love to find a partner. No one can promiss you relationships or children in your future. For most women it will happen, but not for all.

No one can promiss you relationships or children in your future. For most women it will happen, but not for all

Very true

I was in a similar position to you 20 years ago when I was 24. I had been in a relationship for a year and found out I was pregnant whilst taking the pill. Boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion. I didn’t. Eventually I said I’d go with it and booked an appointment with GP. It’s all a blur (I think I’ve deliberately blocked it out) but I arrived at the abortion clinic early one morning. As I stepped out of the car I remember feeling so overwhelmed and knew it wasn’t the right thing for me to do. I told my boyfriend that I wasn’t going ahead. I went into the clinic and gave my name and said I wanted to cancel. They asked if I wanted to rearrange and I said no. The sense of relief as I walked back out to the car was incredible. Boyfriend however was devastated and couldn’t believe what I’d done, or rather not done. However once the shock had settled, he told his parents (I’d never met them) and we decided to make a committed go of it. Fast forward and our son is 20 and at university. I am still with boyfriend (never married by choice) and we have a teenage daughter too. I think about that decision regularly and I know it was the right thing to do. Things haven’t all been plain sailing however I am so proud that I took the decision I did. We have spoken many times of how differently it could have turned out. I know one thing, it was never guaranteed that we would stay together but had I gone through with the abortion I know we wouldn’t have lasted. xxx

Make a decision based on being single. Either way your relationship can't survive this.