Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

Brilliant idea about suggesting the vasectomy to him. The truth will come out then.

So he has to have an operation to prove he will never leave the op and have kids with someone else. What if they broke for other reasons? Not Saying she would, but what if op cheater or betrayed him in some way? He should make himself infertile to prove something?

What if he changes his mind and wants kids with the op?

I always knew I wanted children from a young age. I wasn't necessarily ready for them until I was in my late 20s but I knew I wanted them one day . there's no way I would have given up the chance of having my own children for the sake of a man.

I'm wondering how much of this all consuming, burning love you feel is fear of the Unknown if you were to break up because you've been together so long and from such a young age. Of course he's entitled to not want children but don't give up your chance if you want them for his sake. No man is worth that.

Very tough decision - can you be happy without children? That is what you have be really truthful to yourself about. For me having a child has fulfilled me totally, but not the same for everyone. I agree with PP you do sound very lovestruck and may think he’s the only one for you but the reality is you could be just as happy or more with a man who wanted a family... i would never give up a dream of frankly anything for a man...
My marriage ended because we failed at ivf and he wasnt sure if he wanted a family at all, in fairness he was never mega keen, and he had an affair and wanted to be with her. Guess what? A year later they had a baby! I was devastated (but after a while I met someone else and we have a DS via ivf against big odds!).
You could carry on, accept not having children and what if relationship ended in 10 years and then its too late to have one.... think very very carefully. To be fair to him its great he had been honest about his feelings. Good luck

I don't see how the suggestion of a vasectomy is any more extreme than expecting the op to be on contraception the entirety of her fertile years, or more extreme than her giving up the chance of having dc for his sake.

I do think coming to a point of him thinking about doing something irrevocable to end his fertility would crystallise what he wants. Currently it looks like he's saying probably no dc. Which is fine from a position of never having to actually make a choice - he could potentially father children as a pensioner. He could outwait op's fertility and realise he does want dc. She, on the other hand, is having to make an irrevocable decision because she'll run out of time.

I don't think it's unreasonable to at least discuss it seriously. (My boyfriend never wanted dc and I respect him for taking that step. My ex didn't want any more dc, so he also had the snip, one of the few times he stepped up ).

I'm not saying the guy has to have one, but it's worthy of discussion and of him taking the lead wrt contraception (as with shatners using condoms).

I think you need to decide how much you value the chance of having children.

So much of a women's value is placed on her ability to procreate and really that's absolute crap.

My kids are great - they are not the whole sum of me though.

There is so much I can not do because if them. Further my career, have any career at all at the moment, travel to far flung places even go to the cinema! BUT these are choices I've made and things I've sacrificed.

You can have a wonderful and exciting life both with and without children but you can't do everything and things can't stay the same post children as it was pre-children.

Are you married OP? I'm assuming not. Have you discussed this? Sadly, I think if he doesn't want to get married after 10 years, he probably isn't sure about a long term future. I didn't think I wanted kids either. Until I met the right person.

I don't see how the suggestion of a vasectomy is any more extreme than expecting the op to be on contraception the entirety of her fertile years, or more extreme than her giving up the chance of having dc for his sake

Again, as with the whole marriage stuff plucked out of thin air, we don't even know if the OP is taking the pill or on the coil, or if her bloke is using condoms or they're using both. It's more likely she is, of course, but it makes sense to stick to the actual information the OP has given us.

OP just an added thought - have you had your own fertility checked and all is fine? I only say that because it would be an absolute mindfuck to leave your partner to have a child and then find out later you can't have them. I'm sure that's unlikely, but I'd rather know all factors on which to make my decision.

When I was 30 I was pubbing and clubbing and never wanted kids. Thank god for a little “accident”. My kids are THE best thing that I’ve ever done. Absolutely bloody love being a mum. These little monkeys are just incredible and it’s the best thing in the world. Love love love. That’s from somebody who wasn’t even bothered. If somebody like me (who used to think YUKK to the idea of having kids) imagine how amazing you’ll find motherhood. You’re giving that up for a bloke? Really? You know there are millions of blokes in the world right? Your kids will be precious to you and yours forever. Blokes come and go and he’s got many many years to change his mind. He can have kids in his 50’s/60s. You can’t. One of the best lessons your mother should have taught you is to be strong and never ever ever give up what you truly want in life for a bloke. If you know you want kids then ditch this one and set your mind to finding somebody compatible. It doesn’t have to be acrimonious. You just say “sorry we want different things and I’m running out of time”. I didn’t meet my DH until I was mid 30s so it’s not too late if you do something about it now. Your fella could ditch you in 10 years time. You just don’t know. I’ve often seen it happen. You can’t be certain but you can be certain that you’ll never regret having your kids.

I suppose it depends on how much you want a child. For me, I've known all my life that I wanted to be a mum. I don't think I'd be able to stay with him if he didn't want children. It would be such a hard decision but looks like an important one you are going to have to make if he can't make his mind up.

The difference is that you're giving up something and he isn't giving up anything. I think the vasectomy idea puts this out there that if he's serious he should put his money where his mouth is (or dick, in this case).

I always find these threads so hard. My DBro met his partner when they were both early 20s. At the time, she said she did not want kids, but he put it down to her age and thought she would change her mind, as most women do. 20 odd years later, she has not changed her mind, has become more entrenched that she does not, they are now mid-40s so the ship has sailed for her in reality. He has debated leaving her many, many times over the years to fulfil his desire to be a parent. But at this point, he would be having to find someone substantially younger, as the odds are that anyone closer in age would already have kids, he cannot imagine ever loving another woman the way he loves his partner. He doesn’t even know if he could have kids. He has resigned himself to being childless at this point, as he does not want to be an ‘old’ father.

I only tell this to say it does happen both ways, not all women have the overwhelming desire for kids (I didn’t, I love them now they are here, but both are contraceptive failures).

It was incredibly cruel and selfish of your mother to weep and wail and put pressure on you like that. There is no guarantee of finding someone else, no certainty that if you did, that it would last etc.

You can’t be certain but you can be certain that you’ll never regret having your kids

Bollocks. You do NOT know that. There have been threads on MN where people have said that although they love their children, if they had their time over again they would choose not to have children. Then there have been threads where people have admitted that they do regret having children, quite strongly.

And I do hope your use of inverted commas around the word accident does not mean what I think it means.

I knew a man who was adamant he didn't want children. It caused a lot of arguments in his relationship and was one of the reasons it failed. He very quickly moved on to a new relationship and got engaged, married and had two children in a short space of time. I had believed him when he said he didn't want children with his former girlfriend but it turned out he just didn't want them with her.

You talk about what your mother’s reaction was but how about you

Do you really want children?

I think that the situation pp describe where the men move on and have children is not that rare, and is more about who they want dc with rather than not wanting them

How can you possibly know that

I think the poster can be fairly sure he wouldn't do it for her because it seems he's not willing to even make a firm decision to have kids with her, to discuss the impact on her, he wasn't even willing to proactively raise the convo and quite frankly led her to believe kids were in their future.

So I think it's a fairly safe bet he wouldn't give up his dreams for her. As people have said, he's not throwing away his chance to have kids, he's only throwing away hers.

I think that often people do not feel "ready" for dcs whilst they're busy enjoying fancy holidays, meals, experiences etc etc. To be fair, most people do come crashing down to earth and are unable to go out for years when they have dcs! But most parents take it on the chin - on balance the joy of a family outweighs a fortnight in the Maldives.

The problem is the old unfair chestnut of fertility. It's no good a man turning round aged 45 and declaring that he is now ready. Unfortunately there are a lot of celebrities who make having babies at an advanced age look normal.

In fact I know one woman who said that they planned to have a "life" and then have two dcs at 43 and 45. Hmmm.

If you want a child I think it is better to end your relationship sooner rather than later. You have time to mourn, move on and find someone to have a child with.

I think it is something you will regret if you really want.

Better sooner rather than later

I would push him to get a vasectomy like PP have said then you'll know if he definitely doesn't want children

Sorry not rtft, (will do soon) but depends on how much YOU want children. As pp said at least he's not stringing you along. On the other hand although you have plenty of time yet if you're around 30? What if 15 years down the line he changes his mind. At 40 you could poss start. If he's a man of his word he wouldn't do that. If it's what you really want you must get through to him about it. Not sure if your mum has other grandchildren but if you're an only child expect hence her reaction. I know of someone who has two adult children who are not having any, so it's not a given. One could say that's why people have children in the first place?

Man: I think I want children but my partner isn't sure.
MNetter: Tell your wife to go and get sterilised, call her bluff.

Said no one on MN ever.

You can’t be certain but you can be certain that you’ll never regret having your kids.

Tell that to posters that come on here saying that they l've their kids, but if they had their time again they wouldn't.

You don't speak for every parent.

Not everyone wants or has children. I always wanted children and would not have stayed with someone if they didn't want children. Also I would question their love for me if they would rather lose me than have children with me.

Also I would question their love for me if they would rather lose me than have children with me.

Seriously? They have just as much right to not want them as you do to.