Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

They flit about doing random activities, holidays and expensive meals out but their lives look so empty. She appears deeply unhappy and never satisfied. He would love to make her happy and throws money/time at this but it never happens because at the core they are living this very young, carefree, seemingly enviable life that makes great Facebook pictures but there's just no substance

See, I really hate this attitude. Or the assumption that people without babies/small children have empty lives with no substance

You do realise, that your babies will grow up, and then you yourself won't have children at home?

My kids are grown up. My DH and I are still in our 40's. We have expensive meals out & lots of holidays. We have friends and family members who have small children, and believe you me, we are not envious at all. It all looks very boring and tiring. When I see women out and about with screaming toddlers or babies, I just feel sorry for them. I adore my children, but raising kids is hard work, and it's not mandatory.

Also I would question their love for me if they would rather lose me than have children with me

That gets trotted out a lot too. Surely a partner is entitled to exactly the same response if the situation is reversed? How often have I seen trotted out

"If this man really loved you, he'd change his mind and have kids for you"

There's never any thought to

"If you really loved him, you'd change your mind and not have kids for him"

Namechanged second paragraph very good point, and Pissed - does he think the same about you though? OP, you've got plenty of time at the moment to see how things go and if not meet someone else. I don't recommend pushing him into a vasectomy. If you do, and you split up and he decides later on he does want children and reversal don't work, he'll blame you. Also I'm not make excuses for him but he is still young for a man to want to upset the status quo, and children usually do at some point sod up the lay ins, hobbies etc etc.

Only you can answer this one.
I made the decision to be with my husband who didn’t want kids as my reasoning at the time was I’d rather be with him without kids than not be with him. As time went on though this became more of an issue in my head and luckily he agreed for us to have a baby (not the babies I really wanted but still).
He then unexpectedly died when our daughter was five.
If his mind hadn’t swayed and we had remained childless I’d have neither him nor my daughter now. What I’m trying to say is that life doesn’t give you guarantees that he’s always going to be here.
You have to be selfish when it comes to this topic. I wish I’d been more so - I yearn for
More kids but it’s too late for me now. I’m just so very grateful for the child I have.

Gosh that irritates me too, whose to say whose life is empty and without substance
(And I have three dc)

Op don’t push him into a vasectomy. Everyone has bodily autonomy even if he doesn’t want dc with you

As other posters gave already said, it's all down to whether you want children or not. These so 'perfect' men may well seem it at the time but people change whereas having a DC is something you'll never regret.

That's coming from someone who didn't really know I wanted children until mid 30s. I also had 'perfect' partners before then (one of the turned out to be emotionally abusive but that's another story, still thought him absolutely perfect at the time of course. We did lots if traveling and had a fab lifestyle on the surface) and although DH is absolutely lovely and I love him very, very much - the love I feel for DD is something completely different and I know I will always love her and care for her.

I might be a bit cynical as have had two long term relationships before meeting DH, both who turned out not be so perfect after all. In fact, first long term boyfriend claimed he didn't want children, he's now a father of three....

It depends how much you want children. If you're a bit 'meh, might be nice' then that's one thing, but if it's more than that then definitely spend some time thinking about this. Having a child really is very different from having even the most wonderful partner and can't be replaced.

whereas having a DC is something you'll never regret

Another one. Amazing how many mindreaders there are on MN.

Also re, your mum - although it's up to you what you do - her reaction already could gather momentum and will set up very bad feelings towards this chap. I would at this stage get her to calm down and give it more time, say a year?

It all depends on how much you want children of your own. I've got childless friends past childbearing age, who are quite happy and lead fulfilling lives. They don't regret their decision (but it wasn't dictated by a man). Personally, my children and grandchildren give me so many laughs and so much joy I can't imagine life without them.

I think your mum overreacted a bit there and it wasnt helpful.
But she does have some points. Your partner has so much more time to think about kids than you do. My husband was 46 when we had our first child. Men can sometimes want these things much later in life because theres no need for them to think about giving up thier lifestyle when they are younger.
So I do agree that it's slightly selfish of your partner to be so vague about his desire to have kids. He should at least give it some serious thought so he is not stringing you a long if your wishes do not align. It is a big deal for you. For him it's all theoretical as even if he misses his chance to have kids with you he could go on to have them with someone else. So I do think hes being unfair here not to be giving this serious thought. 'Isnt quite sure' isnt good enough for you to give your future to someone if you know that kids are important to you.
I think you've got some tough decisions to make here. No one can really advise you because it's about how you feel. But if you decide that you really do want children, in my opinion it would be madness to give that up for a man. Only stay with someone who doesn't want children as long as you are totally happy with not having children. I would not sacrifice one for the other. It could end up making you seriously unhappy and destroying your relationship in the long run anyway.

I would leave. No man is worth giving up the chance to have children. He may well have a midlife crisis and then leave you to marry a 25 year old. How will you feel then?

Your mum cried because she knows what you're giving up. But never mind her. Never mind him. What do you want? If you're only remaining childless to keep him I'd leave. If you really want to be childless then fine. But you're going to need a come to God on the mountain moment about this one. (But FFS don't become one of the thousands of poor souls who posts on here after being fucked over - get married first!)

I understand your Mum’s perspective completely. If you definitely can live with the decision to never have children even if you and DP eventually split then it’s fine. However, if you will resent the fact you never had children because of him and you split then you have issues.

He is your world now but you do need to consider a reality whereby this isn’t the case and you separate. There’s no compromise here and the last thing you want is to get to an age where children are no longer an option but you desperately want one.

ShatnersWig, I meant that in the context if someone who wants to have children. Maybe I put that a bit clumsily. The regretting having children is such a taboo issue ( a discuss for another thread perhaps) and although having children is really bloody hard work at times (mine has SN) what I was trying to say us that 'most' people probably don't regret it 'most' of the time.

And lots and lots if typos...

I would leave. No man is worth giving up the chance to have children.

Should I have said to my brother that no woman is worth giving up the chance to have children? Ridiculous, facile argument. Life is not that simple, and kids are not the answer to everything.

Meant to add that I have several childfree friends who have fanstatic lives involving traveling, eating out and only ever having to worry about their own needs. But most of them have made this choice and are either with partners who doesn't want children either or they are happy singletons. OP's title suggests that she'd be giving up on children if she stayed with this man, which is another issue to whether she actually wants to gave children or not.

@ElvisParsley that's because I'm not running an argument. There is no argument to be made here. This is about feelings. And I stated how I feel because, ya know, she asked.

Children offer a chance to experience unconditional love. The love between partners is always conditional on some level. If the OP is happy to give up that experience then that's fine but she needs to be sure.

Can I just say, he wants to marry. It's me who has always been meh about it. I'm absolutely prepared to marry him of course and it's something I have said I think I am ready for. I have always been very keen on never rushing into marriage and originally said I want to be with someone for like 7 years before I even marry. A lot are saying "a man who isn't even prepared to marry you/propose" it's my preference in waiting so long.

The problem is, if I can't have him, it's genuinely like I don't want anyone else. If he left me today, I've always said to myself, I'd prefer to live a life alone, I can't explain it. Maybe I'm the odd one.

I'd be leaving the person who was my best friend for a few years and then my lover for 10... to try and find that in someone else, when I really don't think I will and at this stage don't want to :(

But after reading all these replies I am feeling really quite upset and like I should leave but I don't know

I cannot speak for others but I've never regretted having my children but I can list only too well the negative effects of having them. Such as sleepless nights, having to make sacrifices with time and money, not doing all the activities I wanted, not traveling, not having time to myself, having to put their need for constant care above my desire to work 80hrs a week or pursue the sort of career opportunities that would impact my ability to be where they need me when they've needed me.

And I was adamant I didn't want children. Then I had tests for pcos. I didn't have it but whilst there was this uncertainty I fell pregnant a month later. I'm stubborn like that and my reaction to the men in suits was "you don't get to tell me I can't" so it was never a well thought out decision on my part. But I stand by that, it's my life and my body and I get to decide how best to dispose of it, no man.

Their father is fab. He doesn't regret them, even though he was dragged half screaming into the enterprise. He didn't want children. We were together for 16 years and he did everything for them.

It's almost impossible to regret having them when you love them so much, whatever your starting point. And once you have them you'd put them before any man. Except if you don't. And until then you'll never know whether you would. That's your current dilemma.

My only advice is to read all the great advice here from women who are out the other side of that dillema and believe them when they say that you'll never love a man like you love your children. We know only because we have them.

You have to think backwards, your starting point is some place in the future. So your first question is "how will I feel" not "how do I feel" and it's an impossible question to answer.

It's great he's been honest - now it's time for you to be - with yourself!

How do you feel when you think about NEVER being a mother? Because if you have ANY doubts (and I think you even posting this thread suggests you do) then you WILL end up resenting him.

Worse - it's highly likely he'll waste your fertile years, you'll split (perhaps seemingly not to do with this but it is really) and he'll get together with someone younger and have children with them. How would you feel in that scenario?

"This concern is amplified in your case because he isn't saying that he is strongly child free for x reasons, he is saying he loves children but just isn't ready right now. Read: he does plan on kids but just not during your fertile years." Spot on!

This sounds like a very unequal relationship. You say much of how you adore him - but very little about his feelings for you.

Raising the issue of vasectomy would lead to more honesty! If he reacts very strongly against that then really what he means is he does want DC just not yet & probably not with you. He may be the love of your life, doesn't necessarily mean you're his.

If he's your first serious relationship that can feel like you'll never have one the same or better with someone else but that's not necessarily true either.

OP Only YOU can decide. Don't be swayed by us, or your mum or your man. I have always believed that you should only have children if you really, really have that desire that your life will be incomplete without. It's not like a dog you can rehome. You are still reasonably young. You could allow yourself, say, a year and see how your feelings are then. I've known people get broody due to friends having babies and then a year later are absolutely resolute in not wanting.

And thank you for clarifying that he does want to marry you and I hope those posters who were slating him because of that bear that in mind for the future and only go with information given, not supposition just because we were discussing a man.

Good luck to you, OP. I know it's not easy.

He isn't completely against children. He hasn't said absolutely no way and quite frankly, if he thought he would lose me, I know he'd have them and do his best for them but just admitting he might have been happier without that but once they are here, his opinion would of course change but that sounds like such a bad plan.

He says in the next few years he might be desperate to have a child but that he can't promise me that. To be fair, I haven't expressed a huge desire to him, just that I'd like to but yeah.

There was actually I time I was like yeah maybe kids aren't right for us and he was prepared to have the snip then, but we sat and said are we sure about this and we both were like we are only late 20s, let's not make that decision.

I then made it more clear to him that I was beginning to feel like children will really be the right thing, but like I say he was still responding with not being ready just yet and like I say is completely honest about how he feels.

I don't know :/

Rock and a hard place

I don't like the way he's keeping you dangling, maybe I will maybe I won't.... but he knows this is really really important to you and he knows that you need a definite answer
He's got you over a barrel here he knows he's in control and he can manipulate you
tread carefully