Partner won’t shower

[TinselandWine41]

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly three years; been living together for 2. He’s lovely, supportive, etc... overall no issues in our relationship. Love him to bits. However, his hygiene is just... well.

I’ve known him to go up to a week or longer without having a shower. I’m sure most nights he doesn’t brush his teeth. Funnily enough, he doesn’t really smell. Unless I’m “noseblind”. I usually approach the subject by jokingly telling him how flabbergasted I am that he’s not showered in days and doesn’t smell. As a way of hinting. Occasionally, I’ve tried to gently explain that he needs to shower more; to think of those nooks and crannies... sorry for tmi. He always tells me he was going to, then forgets... don’t know how one couldn “forget”. I wouldn’t dream of leaving the house if I hadn’t showered in 2 days, nevermind a week!

I can completely understand that he might be someone who doesn’t need to shower every day. That’s fine. But I think he should every other day, at least. Even though he doesn’t usually smell, it’s the idea of him going so long without washing that’s quite off-putting. Do I need to approach this differently? I’d feel awful to shame him about it (as I’ve seen people suggest before) - to me that’s just nasty. How can I be more to the point whilst still being tactful?

You're better woman than me!

It’s not always as long as week, mind. Just occasionally, like this week. Hence me losing my rag and posting here. Average is probably every 3-4 days for him. Which I’ve still insisted is not enough to him, before.

I think it’s a bit OTT to imply that there must be a lack of respect towards me in the relationship. Fair enough, if it were amongst a host of other little reasons. But on its own, no.

As to him being adverse to showering every single day... he says it’s a waste of water. I have one everyday. I don’t feel right if I don’t. He comes from a family with a cold house (radiators almost always feel cold, it’s dreadful) so potentially they’re all energy/water dodging to save money.

Ugh! Ugh! And ugh! I don’t know where to begin. For starters I think you must be nose blind or so used to it you don’t notice. Tell him he stinks and move away every time he gets near you.

Do you socialise with others? What must they think? To me this would be a deal breaker by embarassment alone.

But, how on earth did you get together?

Nobody “forgets” to shower who is potty trained.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Yeah, some people just genuinely don’t smell as much! It is baffling, and probably hard for people to believe. Another friend of ours, on the other hand; her DP absolutely reeks. He’s morbidly obese, and stinks like he’s not seen water in months. Their house smells of it, so does she. We’re shocked that/if she doesn’t notice it. However, I’m confident that my DP doesn’t smell like that. He’s skinny for a start, so no disgusting flab and folds to hoarde bacteria... ew! It’s just, like PP have said, private bits definitely should be washed very regularly. Even if he doesn’t smell of B.O. , I feel he should be washing for the sake of hygiene!

I'm a bit curious as to how old everyone posting is, based on the horror of not showering daily. I'm still in my thirties but I was about ten when my parents first got a shower, prior to that I'd have a bath once a week, as they would. When people had to have baths they generally weren't doing so daily. And I don't think everyone smelled badly either, though obviously some would.

I do showed daily 99% of the time, but I find it hard to not get my hair wet (shower caps leave marks and it goes frizzy just tied up) so in theory I'd like to shower every second day as it's better for my hair but I struggle to break the habit. However that's what I did in college and I promise my friends were blunt enough I'd have been told if I smelled. I really don't think daily showering is always necessary if you live in a cold climate and have a desk job.

Is he very skinny op? As a rule of thumb I do think you sweat more the larger you are. Also, some people really barely sweat unless they're physically active (I'm one of them, I really notice the difference in warm countries/when pregnant)

That being said, he's obviously leaving it a bit too long, but I think it's interesting our view of what's socially acceptable has changed so much in a relatively short space of time, especially considering in this case it's mostly driven by OP's sense of what should happen rather than her partner actually smelling or it being noticeable.

It’s our western culture that demands daily showering. I e spent some time in East Africa in rural areas. Most people I met hadn’t ever had a shower or bath, there’s no running water in most areas rurally. These people didn’t smell however I did after a few days

I’m in my 40s, shower before work and when I get home from work, as well as often before bed. As a kid, it was bath, last thing, before bed every night.

Where possible, l always like to shower before sex. I love oral and it sort of goes hand in hand.

I had a partner like this many years ago. It was sheer laziness.

I left him!

Waste of water...water is sooo cheap! I couldn't function without a shower in the morning - regardless of whether I smell it's just nice to feel clean. I don't understand people who don't wash in the morning (but I've washed the night before they say) as you still sweat etc during the night.
I'm just baffled by this whole thread to be honest - why would you not want to be clean and smell nice?!! Also not cleaning your teeth twice a day - grim!

Water is artificially “cheap” because successive Governments have subsidised the true costs. Wasted water is still wasted, no matter how inexpensive it appears to you.

Having a 2 minute shower is hardly a waste of water....you're the type who would moan at me for excessively watering my garden with a hose pipe!

He may not shower but does he wash every day? Does he wash his hair at least once a week? You can be clean without showering every day. I shower twice a week which is when I wash my hair ( more often if it is hot or going somewhere particular). Other days I stand in a bowl of soapy water to give feet a better wash than in shower and wash face, under arms and arms and then all my “bits” down below. I know other people who say they do the same. When I was young it was normal to bath once a week and wash hair once a fortnight.

It's up to people what they do. I personally though think having a bath daily is bad for skin as you stay in it longer. A quick shower is better in that respect.

When I was a kid we didn’t have a shower and a bath once a week was normal. I think we must all have ponged, though. Due to skin problems my DP sometimes showers every other day but pits and bits do at least get a wash. It’s manky not to keep clean and I wouldn’t put up with it.

Yeah, some people just genuinely don’t smell as much! It is baffling, and probably hard for people to believe.

I don’t smell of BO. Genuinely. I never do. Theoretically I could go without showering for ages and not smell. But I wouldn’t do it because I like to be clean. And I would expect a partner to like being clean too.

I lucked out generically and got dry ear wax so I don’t produce the proteins to have stinky BO. This is actually a thing. I really don’t need to use deodorant (although I still do sometimes use antiperspirant because I don’t like being sweaty in the heat, regardless of odour).

It took me years to work out that I actually do just smell less than other people. My ex (who I was with for a decade) didn’t realise for about 8 years that I just didn’t use deodorant - then he was properly annoyed because he thought it was unfair. My current boyfriend just thinks it’s a cool genetic quirk (which it is). He never really smells either but I think that’s more about regular showering and use of antiperspirant

Sadly my sons didn’t luck out genetically. They got wet ear wax and stinky BO.

notthefordtype just read your post and have to say right now before I continue the thread - cups in cupboards ?? they don't sweat, produce vaginal discharge or knob cheese, eat food and produce oral bacteria, move around in the world and pick up germs and pollution on skin, have a shit and produce fecal bacteria, pass wind etc etc etc.

You really really can't compare inanimate items made of china etc to a living, breathing, excreting, mammal. It's disingenuous at best, utterly stupid at worse.

they don't sweat, produce vaginal discharge or knob cheese, eat food and produce oral bacteria, move around in the world and pick up germs and pollution on skin, have a shit and produce fecal bacteria, pass wind etc etc etc.

All if which definitely makes humans not like cups. And means that regular washing is still vital regardless of whether you ever smell of BO.

The not brushing teeth but is particularly dire. I don’t think I could kiss someone who didn’t have decent oral hygiene.

That was exactly my point Crustaceans ? We need washed much more than cups!

The cup comparison at least gave me a giggle 🤭

Could you ask him to join you in the shower most times you go?? Either with/without a wee "fondle!" As a way of getting him to shower more regularly?

I was totally agreeing with you, @Halfahunnerstillastunner. It’s a weird comparison.

You still wouldn’t drink from an unwashed cup either.

You still wouldn’t drink from an unwashed cup either.

Some people would... they dont' see the bits of fluff/dust.
Like going to a pub and being giving a dusty glass..

It is about respect tho OP.

It's clearly important (distressing?) enough for you to post here.
You are struggling as you know it is unhygienic.

If a basic standard is a daily shower and it is something that is important to you why wont he do this for you ? Why dig his heels in on every other day?

Why were you so stressed to discuss this with him? Are you uncomfortable stating your needs to him?

That’s disgusting. How old is he, 12? How lazy does someone have to be that they can’t find 10 minutes a day to clean themselves? Gross.

Am I the only person who's going to mention oral sex? Does that happen if someone doesn't wash, because it certainly wouldn't happen in my house!