Partner won’t shower

[TinselandWine41]

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly three years; been living together for 2. He’s lovely, supportive, etc... overall no issues in our relationship. Love him to bits. However, his hygiene is just... well.

I’ve known him to go up to a week or longer without having a shower. I’m sure most nights he doesn’t brush his teeth. Funnily enough, he doesn’t really smell. Unless I’m “noseblind”. I usually approach the subject by jokingly telling him how flabbergasted I am that he’s not showered in days and doesn’t smell. As a way of hinting. Occasionally, I’ve tried to gently explain that he needs to shower more; to think of those nooks and crannies... sorry for tmi. He always tells me he was going to, then forgets... don’t know how one couldn “forget”. I wouldn’t dream of leaving the house if I hadn’t showered in 2 days, nevermind a week!

I can completely understand that he might be someone who doesn’t need to shower every day. That’s fine. But I think he should every other day, at least. Even though he doesn’t usually smell, it’s the idea of him going so long without washing that’s quite off-putting. Do I need to approach this differently? I’d feel awful to shame him about it (as I’ve seen people suggest before) - to me that’s just nasty. How can I be more to the point whilst still being tactful?

@TwinkleTea

I’m so sorry to hear that
How does he treat you, otherwise? It sounds like it’s more than just the lack of washing, in your case.

I’ve spoken to my DP. He clearly gets that I’m put-off by it, and feels ashamed about it. He says he will make sure he showers at least every other day. Now I just need to wait and see if he follows through.

I’m not going to leave someone whose otherwise perfect for me over this. As I previously pointed out, he doesn’t smell to me, nor to my friends/family who I’ve asked.

I have known someone who doesn't smell if they don't shower for a few days but I didn't count how many days. Literally they could go to work and activities and never smell. It didn't last forever eg ten years down the line they are more normal like us! But at that time I was quite amazed. However we don't have the issue of extra things from the body as we are Muslims and thoroughly clean ourselves after going to the loo. I don't understand the no teeth brushing thing though as we do eat and drink regularly so that needs a good clean too daily.
I think it's probably the opposite of some people eg some can shower and still start feeling sweaty/smelly within hours despite not doing anything significant. Maybe he's just lucky. But it would gross me out if it's only a little wipe with a tissue.
I hope he changes his ways so you can sleep better at night!

Dowse him in Zoflora 👍

Tell him for goodness sake! It's not normal not to shower or bathe regularly, what's the matter with the man?

Every other day!!!...why's he so adverse to cleaning daily?!

OP my DP is exactly the same... never has a bath (we don't have a shower) he used to shower everyday but I think he can't be arsed now he doesn't have a shower and he would rather play on his pc which suits me as he's out of my way

He categorically DOES NOT smell... doesn't have a lot of hair anyway... never looks dirty... he plays football once a week and will have a bath after that

Sometimes I will jokingly say when the hell was the last time you had a bath... especially if MIL is present and he gets embarrassed... maybe one day he will bath every day but I think I'd have to run it for him... but I refuse to be his 'mother'

It doesn't affect me because I share a bed with DS5 (because he's cleaner and gives much better cuddles)... DP has ds5 bed haha

Honestly my husband allowed to come to bed unless he's had his shower, nothing to do with smelling it's his hygiene.

That's pure filth and I couldn't imagine being affectionate with him

Hopefully he’ll start showering more often now you’ve spoken to him. If not, make out he stinks, hold your nose, tell him he smells and how unattractive it is.

something I've done for as long as I can remember is showered down below with leg cocked over bath using shower.

This sounds like as much effort as actually taking a shower... so why not just take a shower?

I would not entertain remaining in a relationship or a bed with somebody who was that unhygienic. Even after a day at work, most of my partners have acquired some kind of "scent". I am a supertaster though... if I have garlic after about 7pm I can't sleep.

I used to come straight out with it, it's the only language people like this understand, sorry but you smell awful I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight.
My ex husband was the same and I was quite blunt.
Mind you I am divorced so I'm not sure my advice is the best.

OP I had this same problem with my dp, in every way he seemed fine apart from the hygiene. He'd lie about it too, say he'd brushed his teeth but his brush was bone dry. I assumed he was just a lazy and dirty and yes it turned me off. But then one day a whole mess of stuff came to light, really big problems in his life that he'd been hiding. He ended up being diagnosed with severe depression. He'd been putting such a good face on it that I never knew - the poor hygiene was the only sign. Once his depression started to improve so did his hygiene. So even if your bf seems totally fine, happy etc, don't dismiss the idea of depression.

I honestly can't believe what I'm reading.
I have SEN, but I don't shower regularly due to dry itchy skin.
I have a shower once or twice a week.
I wash my hands and face and my intimate regions (including my bottom, under my arms and my vagina) every morning, using a clean flannel and hot soapy water.
If my husband thinks I need to alter my routine with more showering/washing he tells me.
I clean my teeth once a day, in the morning.
I wear deodorant each morning and I wear clean pants, and tops/jumpers each day.
I don't smell.

I honestly can't believe what I'm reading

Horses for courses as I have a very acute sense of smell. I mean, I can smell what you ate a day before level of smell. I can't even tolerate my own, smell after a day so I shower twice a day. Nobody is going to say, another is "wrong", I hope, but people have tolerances.

I get using a Couple of wet wipes or flannel on non shower mornings under your arms.
But washing other bits like that ewww
Surely it's easier to just jump in the shower?
Sometimes I don't have time for a shower so yeh water everywhere quick underarm wash.
But a shower is so much easier in a way.
But I'm literally running late so don't have that extra 5 mins.

That is disgusting 😷

Precisely, for me at least, doing a half arsed job just seems more difficult

It’s revolting how many people say they don’t shower every day...it takes 2 minutes to soap up and rinse down.

Poor you OP. I think just go for the unemotional “you smell, I don’t want to be near you. Please fix this”

Why would you bother having a strip wash when you can jump into a shower, though?

You have become nose blind in regard to him and people you have asked are clearly not telling you the truth! The latter is something I have come across before, no-one likes saying that someone smells (but they will say it behind backs).

He may be 'nice' to you but it is not 'nice' or respectful to be with someone in such a dirty condition. It shows a total lack of respect and you are enabling him.

What does he have against clean water?

Sort it and soon!

Show me, no from my point of view it's always been quicker and easier, but as I said it's getting difficult. I have a full shower or bath weekly. Also it's not an excuse for myself or anyone else but it makes a difference as to how nice ones bathroom is. How warm and how nice is the shower. I long to have a really nice shower. Not just a small standard one or one over bath with a curtain. A nice sized power shower is what I hanker after.

Just yuk. Boak he wouldn't be anywhere near me, the dirty filthy article sick emoticon

Gross!!!! My Dh used to be a little like this, though not as bad .. he would just ‘forget’ sometimes to shower and go maybe 48h without one.
I wouldn’t go near him and made him sleep on the couch each time so it’s kinda stopped happening .

One week is ridiculous!!!!

And dental hygiene kisskiss

Stick to your guns OP.

Just a by the way, my DH never has smelt, and he doesn't usually use deodorant. He showers regularly but if for some reason he doesn't he still doesn't smell. Some people are just like that.