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Original poster

Partner won’t shower

143 replies

TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 17:07

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly three years; been living together for 2. He’s lovely, supportive, etc... overall no issues in our relationship. Love him to bits. However, his hygiene is just... well.

I’ve known him to go up to a week or longer without having a shower. I’m sure most nights he doesn’t brush his teeth. Funnily enough, he doesn’t really smell. Unless I’m “noseblind”. I usually approach the subject by jokingly telling him how flabbergasted I am that he’s not showered in days and doesn’t smell. As a way of hinting. Occasionally, I’ve tried to gently explain that he needs to shower more; to think of those nooks and crannies... Confused sorry for tmi. He always tells me he was going to, then forgets... don’t know how one couldn “forget”. I wouldn’t dream of leaving the house if I hadn’t showered in 2 days, nevermind a week!

I can completely understand that he might be someone who doesn’t need to shower every day. That’s fine. But I think he should every other day, at least. Even though he doesn’t usually smell, it’s the idea of him going so long without washing that’s quite off-putting. Do I need to approach this differently? I’d feel awful to shame him about it (as I’ve seen people suggest before) - to me that’s just nasty. How can I be more to the point whilst still being tactful?

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 18:44

Yes Closet, that is rank. I'd rather eat one of those big grub things they have in the jungle.

PixiKitKat · 17/01/2019 18:47

My ex was like that. Didn't really smell and always looked clean but I hated it as I knew he hadn't showered. Current partner showers every morning and I love to smell him and snuggle up to his armpit as I know he is always clean!

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 17/01/2019 18:48

That's grim! But then I shower in the morning and have a bath at night so I'm probably an over bather. The lack of teeth cleaning would bug me too!

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 18:51

Yeah, I’ll be having words tonight.

Looks like a blunt approach is the way forward.

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 18:54

Well Tinsel other than that you seem very happy together. It is bad if he doesn't wash daily especially his nether regions. So as you're happy otherwise perhaps work towards him being cleaner.

PurpleAndTurquoise · 17/01/2019 19:10

You can wash your pits and parts without having a shower. Is he washing with a sponge/flannel at the sink? Perhaps that's why he doesn't smell.

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 19:18

@PurpleAndTurquoise

Nope, not as far as I’m aware!

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 17/01/2019 19:25

@Adora10

Again, do you have cups in your kitchen cabinets that haven't been washed in however long ago you put them in an airtight container. Do you wash them?

Gina2012 · 17/01/2019 20:08

The point is , @TinselandWine41 that you want him to be clean and to shower/bathe and he doesn't keep himself clean

He knows what you want and he deliberately chooses not to do it

He puts what he wants to do above what you want

Every fucking time

I think that he is not a nice man, despite what you say to the contrary

Giesabreak · 17/01/2019 20:15

Bit of a leap there @Gina2012 I certainly don't agree with his hygiene habits, but it's his body at the end of the day.

Bluestripeddress · 17/01/2019 20:36

Sorry but everybody needs to shower every day. Anything less is just rank. You will be used to the smell now and I hate to say it but you probably smell of him too. Gross, I couldn’t live with him.

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 20:37

Yeah, it’s his body, and hardly a reflection of his respect towards me... Confused

OP posts:
murasaki · 17/01/2019 20:40

It takes 5 minutes for a shower. I do it every morning as a) it wakes me up and b) I have colleagues. DP bathes every evening as a) he works in construction so there is no point in the morning and b) he smells by the evening. It's just being civilised.

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 20:42

It’s called hygiene @Notthefordtype
My oh and me shower everyday would feel rank if I didn’t.

Gina2012 · 17/01/2019 20:49

Not a leap for me.

HugeAckmansWife · 17/01/2019 20:50

blue I think that the level of disgust in your post, that it is 'rank' not to have a full shower every single day is OTT. If you have a calm day of driving to work, sitting at a desk, driving home and really haven't exerted yourself much, wear anti perspirant and clean clothes you are unlikely to be smelling at all. I Don't understand this idea of mythical filth that clings to us that must be cleansed at least once if not twice a day. Every other day, occasionally with a quick flannel round the nether bits on a non shower day is completely fine.

Palaver1 · 17/01/2019 20:51

I once met a person who said she realky couldnt stand tbe sensation of water on her skin....she mostly had wipe downs. I didnt know what to say I actually felt really bad for her

missxdivine · 17/01/2019 20:51

I had this situation with an ex. And he did smell. It would linger and it was vile. I laid out towels so he could shower, bought him a toothbrush. All ignored. I had to wash all fabrics that he'd been in contact with. I wouldn't sleep with him. Note that he's an ex. I agree you're probably noseblind. There is no excuse for poor personal hygiene, it's just downright laziness.

goose1964 · 17/01/2019 20:53

If he doesn't shower does he at least wash daily? I bathe two or three times a week and rarely shower, however I do was my bits every day so the rest of me doesn't actually need to be cleaned every day

RhubarbTea · 17/01/2019 20:54

My ex was like this. Thy never change. I left him years ago. He now bathes a few times a year, and never ever brushes his teeth. It's disgusting but no longer my problem. THANK GOD.
I would leave, actually. It won't get better. You know that whole 'when someone tells you who they are, listen'. Yeah.

Palaver1 · 17/01/2019 21:00

Rhubarb Tea lol

anniehm · 17/01/2019 21:01

Taking a shower isn't always necessary if he's washing properly - it was very unusual until recently to daily shower. But it doesn't sound like he's having a strip down wash either. No idea how old he is but he sounds like my teenager!

theworldistoosmall · 17/01/2019 21:08

My ex was the same and I was nose blind.
A couple of days after he left I was home changing the bedding. I walked into the room and something reeked. Spent ages trying to find the culprit. It was him. Well, the bedding and the clothes. Fuck knows how I hadn't smelt it before.

TwinkleTea · 17/01/2019 21:10

Another one here whose partner is a soap dodger...

I think there is some truth to what gina2012 said, he doesnt seem to have much respect for me in many areas to be honest.

I also think rhubarb is right...they don't change. I have tried every thing from nicely nicely, to shouting at him, to showing him similar threads to this one on mumsnet. I have given up, we don't have sex and he sleeps on the sofa every night....its miserable 😞

EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 21:15

I don't think it's wrong if someone doesn't shower or get in the bath daily, as alot of it depends on lifestyle as well as people's preferences. Personally I've never showered or bathed daily, but strip washed. Well actually something I've done for as long as I can remember is showered down below with leg cocked over bath using shower. 🤔 I'd be interested to know if anyone else does this? I don't feel clean otherwise. When there's not been a shower got one of those things that fit on taps. But I find that method is getting difficult 😝 so will have to switch to showering all over!